Overcoming Depression, Part 2

Today's tip on overcoming depression comes from one of the daily "DivorceCare" devotionals I have been receiving.

Tip #2 Manage your expectations

Says Dr. Jim A. Talley "You expected somebody to do something. That person didn't do it, and you get mad. What makes you even madder is that person doesn't seem to give a rip that he or she didn't do it. Now you're really hurt, and you begin to boil on the inside. You shift at that point to real bitterness. You have to go back and reset your expectations to what you can control and deal with. You can't force other people into your expectations."

I was really down about myself- I had worked so hard to lose weight, only to put it all back on when my ex announced our marriage's demise. Then, I was so emotionally overloaded that I felt like I couldn't handle even the smallest stressors. And, to top it off, my friends (what few I have!) were keeping their distance, because they didn't know how to handle the situation.

Through the course, I learned that it's normal to be overwhelmed with a divorce, to have a rough time dealing with things and to respond by overeating (or undereating, if that's your stress-mechanism). I learned to be gentle with myself, and tell myself that it's *normal* to be emotional, *normal* to not be able to focus all day long, *normal* to be sad, and *normal* for others to withdraw from you (either because they don't know how to help, they feel uncomfortable, or they just don't like being around sad people). I told myself NOT to expect my usual star performance on the job, and not to expect that everything would be perfect around the house.

And, over time, it worked. I can go out with those few friends now and have a good time, without thinking about all the hurt I suffered in that marriage. I can focus on losing that weight, and my productivity on the job has returned to normal. I don't have the life I wanted or expected, but things are starting to go really well and my outlook on life has greatly improved.

So, if you're faced with a tough time, try re-evaluating your expectations, and see if there are areas where you can lighten up a little bit.

Overcoming Depression, Part 1

Hello everyone... I've been gone for a bit between teaching and extensive traveling over the last two months.

I've also had some very low moments where any blog post would have been simply my cry for attention and external affirmation. The change in my family status really hit me hard, and I haven't been this depressed since college, many years ago.

I discovered a few neat "coping" techniques and I thought I'd share them with you over the next few weeks. I don't know of any specific place where I learned of these, but I"m sure I didn't come up with the ideas on my own. They may have come from the Spirit, or perhaps from things I read/learned/overheard but took so long to process that I forgot where the ideas originated.

The first tip is this:

Tell yourself you are happy.

The next time you feel down in the dumps, try remembering something that you have every right to feel good about, and then tell yourself over and over how happy you are about that one thing (even if everything else is going wrong).

If you don't have something that you feel good about, then maybe you can create such a memory by volunteering, accomplishing a task on your "gonna do one day" list, or tackling a concrete project around the house.

Sounds simplistic, but let me illustrate with a real life example:

I received some very good news a couple weeks ago. But, now facing the world as a single mom, I had been quite down in the dumps about my change in marital status. But this very good news should have set me on cloud nine because it is something I had worked 12 years for. I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. XYZ worked out, and now your life will be immensely better. I should have been celebrating, dancing in the streets. Then I decided to tell myself, "I AM happy. I AM so thankful to God that this worked out, and so HAPPY that I won't have to suffer like I expected to." Every time I had a few moments to myself to dwell on things, I kept telling myself over and over: "This is good news! I am SO happy about it! I am not in a 'happy mood' right now, but I'm going to choose to celebrate this good news and be happy about it. Things are falling into place as best as they possibly can, and I'm not going to mope about it. No, I'm going to be happy!"

Without realizing it, I talked myself into a good mood because the next day I was back to my old self, and a few days after that people began to comment about how happy I'd been.

Affirmations really work. Try it and let me know how it works out for you.

Am I a Glutton? Part 3

From today's lesson (Day 12) of The Lord's Table:

Overeating is a sin for the following reasons:

• Whether we eat or drink, or whatever we do, we are to do to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). God is not glorified when we evidence a lack of self control in our eating habits.
  
• My body is the temple of God (1 Corinthians 3:17, 6:19). The temple of God is not to be destroyed or defiled. Overeating or other sinful eating habits defiles the temple and if continued in can lead to its early destruction.
  
• Sinning leads to slavery (John 8:34). Overeating, like any sin, becomes addictive and can be extremely hard to overcome.
  
• Jesus told us to take up our cross daily (Luke 9:23) and Paul told us to crucify the desires of the flesh (Romans 8:13, Colossians 3:5). To overeat is to gratify the cravings of the flesh, rather than to crucify them. This is sin. This is not to say that it's a sin to eat when hungry. The sin of gluttony is the habit of overeating. Food is not evil, and eating is not a sin.
  
• There are many passages of Scripture which speak of the sin of gluttony; the Bible instructs us to avoid the path of the glutton (Proverbs 23:20-21) and to "put a knife to our throat" if we are given to gluttony (Proverbs 23:2). (The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines gluttony as "excess eating.")
  

I'm still not 100% sure I would classify my problem of eating as sin, but then again I can see that it's not pleasing to the Lord. Why? Because I comfort myself by eating rather than by running to Him. I use food to calm myself down rather than taking refuge in the shadow of His wings. And finally, when people see me, there's no hiding that I'm larger than average, and thus I am sending a clear signal that I have no self-control, no discipline, and in today's society, that is automatically NOT bringing God any glory. In fact, I don't know what the opposite of "glorifying God through our lives" would be, but when people see us and we're too heavy, our lives have the opposite effect. Rather than glorify God, we are, in effect, telling others that He is not enough so we have to placate ourselves with sin.

Wow, maybe it *is* sin after all.

And maybe I really am a glutton.

I will have to pray about that.

Am I a Glutton? Part 2

While I'm still quite resistant to the idea that my stress-induced eating is Sin (described as such in The Lord's Table online course I'm taking), I certainly am more aware of it now. I see now that I'm eating out of stress, anxiety, rather than taking it before the Lord, and because my eyes have been opened, I am more often taking it before the Lord rather than soothing myself with something to eat.

It hinders our spiritual development, our relationship with God, to put anything before God and stress eating is certainly putting the comfort derived from food before the comfort of the Spirit.

When I think of the scriptures on gluttony, I don't feel it's describing me. But then, when I did some online research and my eyes were opened that gluttonly isn't just eating. It encompases a variety of excesses, including some that we, as Aspies, really struggle with:
White Stone Journal says there are at least three forms of Gluttony:

1) Wanting more pleasure from something than it was made for.
2) Wanting it exactly our way (delicacy).
3) Demanding too much from people (excessive desire for other people's time or presence).

Yikes and double yikes! I am definitely on that list:

1. I get angry when things/people don't provide the amount of pleasure I (usually unreasonably or illogically) expect it to
2. It has taken a looooooong time for me to realize that it's not all about me- that everything doesn't have to be my way, and that other people can have ideas that are just as good, even of those ideas are nothing like mine.
3. I have long since resigned myself to having an "intense" personality and try hard to realize that other people aren't as intense- so they aren't going to write as long an email, and they aren't going to spend as much time with me (or with my special interest). I've had to reign in myself, stop wanting too much of people. In the process of doing so, I've been able to form more "quality" friendships.

So when I take another look at the idea of gluttony (excess), I realize there are many, many areas of my life that have spiraled out of control.

I guess that's a tough thing about being an Aspie: You can pull it all together for awhile, but if you're not careful, one swoop of life can knock you off your feet and cause it all to unravel.

I'm going to rebuild my life, and in doing so, I hope to fortify myself so that the next circumstance that takes a punch at me knocks me down, but not out. Hope you'll join me.

Am I a Glutton? Part 1

For those who don't know me, I'm going through a very stressful life change right now. Although things are looking up, I'm having to deal with the consequences of some of my coping mechanisms.

I've tried to:

• Give myself space to cry, grieve, and just exist without external pressures
  
• Pull myself out of the aspie trance that often overtakes me around others
  
• Resolve the issues that make me angry, rather than just pushing them under the rug
  
• Remember that most people are unreliable, so I'm not too disappointed in them when they fail to keep their promises
  
• Stop daydreaming so much that I neglect handling necessary business
  
• Pretend I've got it all together when I'm feeling really anxious and on edge (and then rushing home ASAP to de-compress!
  
• Constantly remind myself that looks matter, and no matter how bad I feel, I MUST take care of my grooming and present myself professionally
  
• Remind myself that it's ok to feel a little down considering what I'm going through
  

I really think I've done a great job in handling all this. But there's one area that looms over me, one tell-tale sign that things are not ok, no matter how good a front I put up when I'm outside the security of my house:

My Weight. It's growing. And the visible expansion of my waistline in such a short period of time tells the world (or at least the people who see me every day) that I'm using food as a crutch, eating uncontrollably, and not taking good care of myself. That statement may not be true (I don't think I'm as bad as I look), but that's how they see me, and I have to acknowledge that.

I've gained 12 pounds in the last 3 months. I know my problem: Stress eating. I have been really, really, stressed trying to adapt to life as a single mom and taking care of all the details that must be wrapped up so I can proceed to make a future for me and my son.

I've always fought a weight problem, but this is just out of control. I started an online course called "The Lord's Table" which seeks to help us break free for the sin of gluttony. I had not considered my eating a sin, and I'm still not sure about that, but the premise of the course seems valid: Acknowledge that overeating is sinful/displeasing in the sight of God, that Jesus Christ died to set us free form the power of sin and that we,walking in newness of life upon salvation, can be free from all such bondage as gluttony, and then drawing nearer (prayer, Bible study) to the Lord when the urge to overeat arises.

We'll see how it goes. I'm going to be gentle with myself, though. I'm quite pleased with how well I've gotten through the last couple months, but I need to end this weight problem asap! I'm bursting out of my work clothes (even my BIG work clothes!!). Keep me in prayer :-)

A Better Day

It occurred to me last night that I hadn't cried myself to sleep in almost a week.

For two months after receiving some bad family news, I pretty much cried myself to sleep every night.

And now, though I'm still kinda down, I'm realizing that when one door closes, another opens. One chapter of my life- that I wasn't ready to end- has closed on me and now I need to look forward to the door that's about to open.

Thanks everyone for your support through this tough time- for carrying me until I could stop crying and see "A Better Day."

Fat, Dumb, and Happy

The phrase, "Fat, Dumb, and Happy" is stuck in my mind because I've been wondering what life would be like if I never realized I was "different."

There was a time, back in high school, when I was blissfully unaware of my differences. Sure, I didn't have a lot of friends, but that's because I was focused on grades to get free college ride. And I was a nerd. Lack of friendship was expected. But when I went to college, my eyes were opened. I saw that others -even nerds- experienced a depth in relationships I had never known. I saw that people treat me worse when I presented myself as "me," and learned how to project a confidence I don't really feel. I lost about 60 pounds, became part of the "normal weight club" and discovered just how horribly others thought of "fatties" LIKE ME. Even now I can hardly purchase groceries without worrying over whether people are judging me for what I throw in the basket, for I've regained a few of those pounds.

I know I should be thankful. These revelations have allowed me to ascend to a higher professional status than I deserve. To make more money than I deserve. To be more than the Goodwill Janitor prescribed by my psych eval no offense to my Goodwill brethren intended- I'm just saying I should be where you are, but praise God, am able to hold a better job. I also have more social interaction, participate in networking events, and are routinely invited to events with coworkers (though none are as fulfilling as my friendships with a handful of other intense Aspies).

But on the other hand, my days are shadowed by a growing dislike of my natural self and seething anger of the injustice of having to conform. Before I knew I was different, I was happy. Happy with who I was and what I could accomplish.

What if I still believed that everyone else out there processes information like I do, or that they all have the same level of social interaction as I do. To not know how they belittle me when my weight creeps up. To not know how they make fun of my strange behaviors (before I learned to control and hide them). I wonder what it would be like to go back to not caring what anyone thinks of me. And one day, when I secure my retirement, and buy my house in the middle of nowhere, I intend to do just that. But it won't be the same for me.

It takes every ounce of energy I have to put up the proper front during the day, leaving me collapsed in a heap at the end of the day, with little time or energy for the things that truly give me joy. Why do I continue? Because I want to keep my job til I can retire, and I want people to take good care of my son while he's under my care. Those two goals inflict a requirement to get along with others, play "the game," be mindful of what they think about my appearance, behavior, life, etc. I tell myself it will be worth it 10 years from now when I have a "check for life" coming in and my son is a confident, productive member of society. I also tell myself that one day I will accept myself for who I am, embrace the good and the bad, and stop holding myself to someone else's standards of who I should be.

But until then, I'll sludge along and try not to look back wistfully at the days when I was "Fat, Dumb, and Happy."

Hating Yourself Will NOT Solve the Problem

I will expound on this more when I get home from work, but right now I have been constantly re-playing the following conversation in my mind:

Thought #1: Argh! I can't believe I am so stupid (fat, ugly, insert whatever). I HATE myself!

Thought #2: Wait now, hating myself will not solve the problem. I've been working out, taking better care of my grooming, trying to get more organized (etc). These things are solving the problem. But hating myself will not solve the problem.

I feel a small sense of victory, because a couple weeks ago, thought #2 wouldn't have entered into my process. It was just a constant string of, "I hate myself," mostly in reaction to some bad news I received two months ago. I guess the moral of the story is, if you know anyone who is really hating themselves right now, encourage them to look at what they can actively do to make their lives better. This will help them combat the depression that comes with self-hatred. At least, it's helping me.