Where's *MY* Reward, HUH??

*Warning* This post is another rant. And it's gonna be TMI.

I know most of you who know me IRL are used to serene, happy, Paris. Not angry bitter frowny face.

But that's who I am today. I won't be offended if you come back when I'm in a better mood!!

I've been trying to encourage myself given Mr. Man's disappearance. I am angry. Not at him, because he was a hot, italian gansta type. I can hardly blame him for being tired of prudish me.

I'm angry at my life. I'm angry at my rule-following nature.

I'm angry at all those people who said waiting for marriage was/is worth it.

I'm angry because the Bible says "flee fornication" but doesn't have an escape clause if you're "mature" and none of the guys in your age group want to be holy.

ARGH!

A search on "waiting for marriage" turned up several people who say they are glad they waited. And a few who say they wish they had waited. Not one of them who say they resented waiting for marriage.

But you know what?

I RESENT IT! I RESENT IT WITH EVERYTHING IN ME!

Oh, I waited alright! I kept myself til marriage. And I was faithful in that marriage even though I had many propositions. And even though I wasn't getting fulfilled at home. No hugs. No liplock. No toes curling. There was plenty of action, don't get me wrong. But *I* wasn't allowed any enjoyment. Hey, I warned you about TMI.

I never got that reward being promised to these young kids with their purity rings. The specialness and sacredness of the marriage bed.

And right now I am feeling so much bitterness and anger. I wish I could go back to a time when I hadn't read the Bible and just have some fun. Mr. Man offered me some fun. And such a big part of me wishes I could have just turned off my conscience and had fun. I wish I could do that now. "Waiting for marriage" didn't work for me the first time. Why do I keep losing man after man after a couple months because I refuse to have a little fun? After all, I'm gonna end up alone anyway... why not have some good memories to show for it???

I don't *really* feel that way, or I'd have "had some fun" by now, but those of you who are waiting for marriage surely know the angst I currently feel ;-)

I cried deep in prayer over this the past few days. If you had told me I was mad at God for anything, I wouldn't have listened to you. But the truth is, I've been angry with the Lord since my wedding night. I was angry because I felt like I did my part but He didn't do His. I didn't get marital bliss. I got abused. I didn't end up like the lover in Song of Solomon. I ended up a divorced, broke single mom with nothing but debt to show for all my efforts and faithfulness.

And I have a friend who's going through the same thing! Down to the six figure debt!

Ugh.

I am encouraging myself that the Lord will reward those of us who are faithful to His Word. I know He will. I know I have a place reserved for me in God's kingdom. And I know that part of my earthly reward for my obedience to His word is how gracious He's been to keep me through the sufferings of the last few years. I just wish I could get a little reward here on earth. No, scratch that... a "big" reward. ;-)

The Lord is a Great Travel Partner

I’ve done a lot of traveling over the last couple months, and one thing I have to say about the Lord is He is an AWESOME travel partner. When I listen to the Spirit, I am led in ways my natural intellect just can't fathom. The Lord helps me (when I'm obedient!) know when to keep my mouth shut (a lot!), what question to ask, how to wait so I can come up with the best response. And how to observe others in the meetings so I better pinpoint the buzzwords and "majority opinion" that would make my viewpoints more acceptable to them. The Lord has helped me do a good job (and get paid) during my travels, and to not only be courteous but enjoyable to those around me which has resulted in many travel perks.

Sure, normal people don't have to rehearse things in their head like some of us Aspies do. I could be upset about that, or I could praise God that He came into my life and is now leading me and guiding me.

I have another medium-length trip coming up. After that, I will hopefully get to post the blog notes I’ve written during my travels. I've got blog posts written in my journal on such great topics as face recognition, nonverbal communication, sound overload, and other goodies I observed while traveling. Stay tuned!

Why God Wants You To Take Care Of Yourself

I'm currently watching Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind. At one point she goes on a slight tangent about taking care of ourselves -and why we DON'T that really hit home with me:

You only get one body… You can’t go somewhere and order another one…You destroy this one, you’re out!

God wants to work through you; and if you destroy your health and you destroy your body, then He can’t do anything through you either. So you’re cheating yourself, you’re cheating Him, you’re cheating the people around you that God wants to use you to bless.

I think a lot of people don’t take good care of themselves b/c they got a bad attitude toward themselves they don’t think they’re worthy of doing the things they need to do to take care of themselves properly.

Some of you think that all you’re good for is work, work, work, work, all the time you grew up in an atmosphere where the only time people were happy with you was when you were working and producing. And the devil’s got you convinced that to enjoy your life is carnal and a sin. READ John 10:10

WOW! Jesus came that we might have life and that more abundantly!!!

But, especially for those of us with social impairment, we have found that people only "liked" us when we were working hard to please them or make them look good or doing something for them. And so we run ourselves into the ground trying to prove our worth for other PEOPLE, instead of guarding ourselves, and protecting ourselves, so we have enough energy to be used by HIM.

If you are interested in watching her video or reading it's accompanying book, here's the links:

So unique. So Alone.

I have learned how to be friendly, and maintain a social calendar that is limited ONLY by my own personal requirement for “quiet time.” I’ve cracked the code on making friends, having fun, living the life.

Or so it seems.

Because I’m really still alone.

It’s easy to have friends when you learn to suppress some of your behaviors. Don’t talk about XYZ with this group. Don’t stim around that group. Don’t frown around most people. Don’t this. Don’t that.

Don’t look at this lunch as a social, fun time for you: look at it as work; you’re networking with the people you work with so they will help you out on the job later when you need them. You’re not shopping with the ladies from church so you can get what you want, but rather, you are shopping with them because for some reason (you still don’t understand) this makes them like you and accept you. Each of these things carry a social dimension that you’re missing, and though you don’t know WHY it works, you know that your life is easier and people help you more when you do these things with the people from job, church, community.

Smile, make small talk, ask about their mothers. Find something to compliment a person you don’t know and make it a challenge: what percentage of strangers at this gathering can you get talking for more than 2 minutes? A social checklist runs in your head, governing every interaction, and reminding you that when you get home you must log the details of your conversation, so that you will remember to ask after so-and-so’s mother and query you-know-who about their sponge hobby next time you meet.

You don’t REALLY watch movies with friends because if they get to talking, you go into sensory overload and can’t process their conversations or the speech from the movie. If you get mad, they get frustrated. So you learn how to control the meltdowns that go along with sensory overload, and go to their house to "watch movies” knowing full well you’re not going to understand anything. You know you will slip out for an extended bathroom break, or go outside to “talk” on your cell phone. But somehow they like you better when you spend time with them, and besides, you can always watch the movie later, by yourself.

When you go shopping with your “friends” you know better than to try and REALLY shop. You want to do it your way, which never seems to be their way. No one else wants to circle the mall 3 times visiting 47 stores to save $2.46 on a specific sweater. No one else wants to try on every article in the store to see if it will fit/flatter you. They just grab and go, but you’re just then getting warmed up. So you smile, and look, but you don’t really shop. You enjoy having friends, but sometimes feel alone.

But at the end of your day, all alone in your room, you realize that you are still alone. And you can go shopping for yourself, and go to dinner with yourself, and watch the shows you want to watch. But there’s no one there to watch them with. Because the minute you want to start doing YOUR stuff YOUR way, those people that filled up your social calendar melt away. Your way is too intense, too demanding, too precise, too full of minutiae, too calculating, too MUCH.

You are so unique. Will you always be alone?

Fun, But Still Alone.

I wrote the post "So Unique. So Alone." after thinking about two aspie authors who have killed themselves. It happened a long time ago and I don’t remember who they were. A Google search didn’t help me locate info on either of them so if you know who I’m talking about, please send me details. One was a lady whose book really helped me understand about being an Aspie, and the other was a young man whose aspie friendship site really helped others. I discovered them a couple years ago, after just learning about AS myself. I was shocked that someone who appeared to crack the code on friendship and getting along in an NT world would commit suicide. They had it made, right?

But one day I was sitting in my apartment. Alone. I could go to church. But I would still be alone. I can go to work tomorrow and laugh, joke, even go to lunch with my coworkers. But I would still be alone. I could go home to visit family who loves me. But I would still be alone. I can go out to meet new people, by joining a new group or trying to get closer to people I know but haven’t really hung around, because I hope that by meeting lots and lots of people I’ll eventually find some like me. But I’ve only found 1 other person who is enough like me that I can totally be myself around her; and she’s now living on another continent, so most likely I would still be alone.

So I sat there, alone. And felt the most hopeless and forlorn I had felt in a long time. In spite of all my efforts to be friendly, fill up my social calendar, and the fact that I was actually succeeding at my highly interpersonal job, I felt like there was too much missing. Like I would never be able to connect with someone in a way that was fulfilling to ALL of me. The part of me that loves the Lord AND the part of me that loves science AND the part of me that loves food AND the part of me that loves long-distance running AND the part of me that loves being a blend of two ethnic cultures AND the part of me that doesn’t like TV AND the part of me that doesn’t like movie theaters AND the part of me that loves to watch movies at home AND the part of me that likes outdoor sports AND the part of me that loves watching football AND the part of me that hates sports bars.

It sounds dumb when you read it, because none of that SHOULD be enough to make you depressed, but I didn’t want to live. I didn’t want to keep trying. I didn’t want to keep playing the NT game. I didn’t want to have to always adjust myself. It wasn’t fair. Other people didn’t have to change, why should I??? But in that instant, I discovered how others could help 1000s of other Aspies, appear to have cracked the code on how to have the good life, and yet still take their life.

I decided to pick myself up, accept the reality that my life is just going to be more of a battle than other people’s lives seemed to be (which really isn’t true- we just feel that way), and make the best out of a bad situation. Maybe I couldn’t be completely myself around others, but at least I could have fun. And I do have fun. But I have yet to feel as if I "belong," so even in the midst of my fun, I'm still alone.

Overcoming Depression, Part 2

Today's tip on overcoming depression comes from one of the daily "DivorceCare" devotionals I have been receiving.

Tip #2 Manage your expectations

Says Dr. Jim A. Talley "You expected somebody to do something. That person didn't do it, and you get mad. What makes you even madder is that person doesn't seem to give a rip that he or she didn't do it. Now you're really hurt, and you begin to boil on the inside. You shift at that point to real bitterness. You have to go back and reset your expectations to what you can control and deal with. You can't force other people into your expectations."

I was really down about myself- I had worked so hard to lose weight, only to put it all back on when my ex announced our marriage's demise. Then, I was so emotionally overloaded that I felt like I couldn't handle even the smallest stressors. And, to top it off, my friends (what few I have!) were keeping their distance, because they didn't know how to handle the situation.

Through the course, I learned that it's normal to be overwhelmed with a divorce, to have a rough time dealing with things and to respond by overeating (or undereating, if that's your stress-mechanism). I learned to be gentle with myself, and tell myself that it's *normal* to be emotional, *normal* to not be able to focus all day long, *normal* to be sad, and *normal* for others to withdraw from you (either because they don't know how to help, they feel uncomfortable, or they just don't like being around sad people). I told myself NOT to expect my usual star performance on the job, and not to expect that everything would be perfect around the house.

And, over time, it worked. I can go out with those few friends now and have a good time, without thinking about all the hurt I suffered in that marriage. I can focus on losing that weight, and my productivity on the job has returned to normal. I don't have the life I wanted or expected, but things are starting to go really well and my outlook on life has greatly improved.

So, if you're faced with a tough time, try re-evaluating your expectations, and see if there are areas where you can lighten up a little bit.

Overcoming Depression, Part 1

Hello everyone... I've been gone for a bit between teaching and extensive traveling over the last two months.

I've also had some very low moments where any blog post would have been simply my cry for attention and external affirmation. The change in my family status really hit me hard, and I haven't been this depressed since college, many years ago.

I discovered a few neat "coping" techniques and I thought I'd share them with you over the next few weeks. I don't know of any specific place where I learned of these, but I"m sure I didn't come up with the ideas on my own. They may have come from the Spirit, or perhaps from things I read/learned/overheard but took so long to process that I forgot where the ideas originated.

The first tip is this:

Tell yourself you are happy.

The next time you feel down in the dumps, try remembering something that you have every right to feel good about, and then tell yourself over and over how happy you are about that one thing (even if everything else is going wrong).

If you don't have something that you feel good about, then maybe you can create such a memory by volunteering, accomplishing a task on your "gonna do one day" list, or tackling a concrete project around the house.

Sounds simplistic, but let me illustrate with a real life example:

I received some very good news a couple weeks ago. But, now facing the world as a single mom, I had been quite down in the dumps about my change in marital status. But this very good news should have set me on cloud nine because it is something I had worked 12 years for. I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. XYZ worked out, and now your life will be immensely better. I should have been celebrating, dancing in the streets. Then I decided to tell myself, "I AM happy. I AM so thankful to God that this worked out, and so HAPPY that I won't have to suffer like I expected to." Every time I had a few moments to myself to dwell on things, I kept telling myself over and over: "This is good news! I am SO happy about it! I am not in a 'happy mood' right now, but I'm going to choose to celebrate this good news and be happy about it. Things are falling into place as best as they possibly can, and I'm not going to mope about it. No, I'm going to be happy!"

Without realizing it, I talked myself into a good mood because the next day I was back to my old self, and a few days after that people began to comment about how happy I'd been.

Affirmations really work. Try it and let me know how it works out for you.

Good Colleges for Aspies

In the article, "More Students With Asperger Syndrome Going to College," ABC news presents a brief discussion of colleges that show promise for young adults with Aspergers. Although a bit sensationalist (for examples phrases like, "As scores of autistic young adults enter universities for the first time", and "deal with the first generation of Asperger's students to hit campuses in large numbers"), the article touches on the main problems Aspie college students have: They can be too trusting, too honest, too easily overwhelmed by a large campus, and then too anxious or stressed to properly ask for help.

Those schools, some of which have AS/ASD specific programs and others which assist students through their disabilities office, include:

• Marshall University
  
• University of Connecticut
  
• Marshall University Asperger's Program
  
• University of Connecticut School of Law
  
• Kelly Autism Program at Western Kentucky University
  
• Gersh Program at Daemon College, Buffalo, N.Y. York
  
• Georgia State University
  

For more information, you might also visit:

Higher Education and Autism Spectrum Disorders
University of Connecticut Disabilities Office

ESPN Surfing Wrong About Asperger's and Empathy

This just in from Ari Ne'eman, President of ASAN, as an example of how to address negative Aspie press:

From: Ari Ne'eman
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 2:53 PM
Subject: ESPN Surfing Gets it wrong about Asperger's and Empathy
To: espnsurfing@...


Dear ESPN Surfing:

In a recent article on the ESPN Surfing Blog, contributor Jon Coen applauded surfer Clay Marzo's recent win in the Quiksilver Pro Puerto Escondido, adding the following:

"What may have been most interesting is that he was adamant about dedicating his victory to Honolua Bay artist/surfer Ron Cassidy who died at Puerto last year. It's striking because if there was one thing we learned about Marzo in "JAW" and the string of press he got following it, was that his mind doesn't work socially the way ours works. Sure, the win is remarkable, but does this point to some growth in his character as well? Is he developing a sense of empathy uncommon in Asperger's patients?"

While we join Mr. Coen in applauding Clay Marzo's win, we'd like to express concern about the characterization of empathy as uncommon amongst adults and youth diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Autistic people face difficulty perceiving and expressing neurotypical social communication. This communication gap is often misunderstood as a lack of empathy on the part of Autistic people. It is understandable why Mr. Coen repeated this common stereotype, reflecting an outdated understanding of the autism spectrum still frequently cited in media and the medical literature. It has been only relatively recently that the medical community has begun to catch up to what Autistic adults already know - that there is a world of difference between the lack of empathy ascribed to us and the difficulty in communication that we actually experience (Rogers, Dziobek, Hassenstab, Wolf & Convit). However, it is nonetheless important that the record be corrected. This stereotype and similar mischaracterizations of the nature of the autism spectrum is the basis for much of the fear, stigma and prejudice faced by Autistic adults in society today. We encourage ESPN Surfing to correct the record by posting this letter and an accurate explanation of social communication issues faced by Autistic adults on its website.

Regards,
Ari Ne'eman
President
The Autistic Self Advocacy Network
http://www.autisticadvocacy.org
732.763.5530

Kissing My Baby's Face Off (Guilt and Envy)

In today's video blog, Dr Laura answers a question from a lady who was criticized for kissing her baby too much in public.

I'll be the first to admit I don't like the way Dr. Laura treats most of her radio-show callers, but I really liked this entry. She said in this case it was most likely that the criticism came because of guilt and envy.

I think that applies a lot to all situations, not just the baby kissing.

When people criticize us, why are they doing it?
Do they really have our best interest at heart and are trying to help us?
I think this is rare.

Or (more likely)

Are they guilty they didn't put as much effort into their lives?
Are they envious because we have something they don't?
Are they envious because we are providing something to others (but not them)?
Are they envious of some skill, intelligence, even the Aspie ability to not really "care" about social norms and fashions (and yes, this CAN be a gift)?

I still don't know why people go out of their way to criticize my weight, but 3 years ago someone sat me down and explained to me that most of the criticism I receive is REALLY is out of jealousy. It really helped me to feel better about myself and carry myself with confidence, knowing that I'm not "bad" but that the other person is just envious. I suspect NTs probably pick up on this, but if you have an Aspie relative who seems to be the brunt of outside criticism, you might want to share these questions and get them thinking.

Sure, It Gives Your Life Meaning, But it DOES NOT Pay the Bills

This is what I just told myself after spending an hour or so reading and responding to emails, blog comments, and facebook. Inner conversation went like this:

Oh my goodness, I can't believe I spent an hour on this! I was supposed to do the find the budget worksheet and get back to work.

Well, there's no harm in losing an hour- these people {the people I was responding to} give my life meaning, make me feel better about myself, and let me know I'm making a difference.

Sure, it gives your life meaning, but that DOES NOT pay the bills!!

Interacting with my Aspie friends out there gives my life meaning- I love the connections I've made, and it puts a perspective to my life (making the sorrows seem less threatening and giving me opportunities to share my joyous moments). The feelings of belonging are so addictive, that I am tempted to spend more than just my lunch period home working on it. But if I do that too often, my production at work will fall off. And eventually, while they can't fire me, they'll find someone more productive to give all the juicy, lucrative assignments. And then I won't be able to maintain my lifestyle and pay my bills.

So, if you're like me, wasting time on the computer that should be better put to use whether it's performing at your job, taking care of the house, "loving on" your kids, or spending quality time with the Lord, STOP RIGHT NOW and GO DO IT for at least ten minutes.

Then come back and comment on my blog LOL!!!

Fat, Dumb, and Happy

The phrase, "Fat, Dumb, and Happy" is stuck in my mind because I've been wondering what life would be like if I never realized I was "different."

There was a time, back in high school, when I was blissfully unaware of my differences. Sure, I didn't have a lot of friends, but that's because I was focused on grades to get free college ride. And I was a nerd. Lack of friendship was expected. But when I went to college, my eyes were opened. I saw that others -even nerds- experienced a depth in relationships I had never known. I saw that people treat me worse when I presented myself as "me," and learned how to project a confidence I don't really feel. I lost about 60 pounds, became part of the "normal weight club" and discovered just how horribly others thought of "fatties" LIKE ME. Even now I can hardly purchase groceries without worrying over whether people are judging me for what I throw in the basket, for I've regained a few of those pounds.

I know I should be thankful. These revelations have allowed me to ascend to a higher professional status than I deserve. To make more money than I deserve. To be more than the Goodwill Janitor prescribed by my psych eval no offense to my Goodwill brethren intended- I'm just saying I should be where you are, but praise God, am able to hold a better job. I also have more social interaction, participate in networking events, and are routinely invited to events with coworkers (though none are as fulfilling as my friendships with a handful of other intense Aspies).

But on the other hand, my days are shadowed by a growing dislike of my natural self and seething anger of the injustice of having to conform. Before I knew I was different, I was happy. Happy with who I was and what I could accomplish.

What if I still believed that everyone else out there processes information like I do, or that they all have the same level of social interaction as I do. To not know how they belittle me when my weight creeps up. To not know how they make fun of my strange behaviors (before I learned to control and hide them). I wonder what it would be like to go back to not caring what anyone thinks of me. And one day, when I secure my retirement, and buy my house in the middle of nowhere, I intend to do just that. But it won't be the same for me.

It takes every ounce of energy I have to put up the proper front during the day, leaving me collapsed in a heap at the end of the day, with little time or energy for the things that truly give me joy. Why do I continue? Because I want to keep my job til I can retire, and I want people to take good care of my son while he's under my care. Those two goals inflict a requirement to get along with others, play "the game," be mindful of what they think about my appearance, behavior, life, etc. I tell myself it will be worth it 10 years from now when I have a "check for life" coming in and my son is a confident, productive member of society. I also tell myself that one day I will accept myself for who I am, embrace the good and the bad, and stop holding myself to someone else's standards of who I should be.

But until then, I'll sludge along and try not to look back wistfully at the days when I was "Fat, Dumb, and Happy."

How To Lose A Friendship Before It Starts

Let me share with you an excerpt from my list of “No-Nos,” things I used to do that kept me from making friends with "quality" people. I've come a long way in my behavior over the last 10-12 years, so I don't mind sharing. Maybe you'll recognize yourself or someone you know in some parts of this list.

First, I'd like to mention we need to be careful of calling people "friends." I often used to consider people my friends then they were actually just being polite. Because I would never invite someone to join me if I didn't want them there, it's hard to for me to remember that people often act like they want us around when they don't. They're just being polite. We're supposed to pick up on the subtle hints and conveniently come up with other plans. Subtle hints are hard for most Aspies to catch, but I'm getting better and I'm sure you will too.

We have to remember that people won't generally tell us if these things are a problem. They will just avoid us in public and conveniently forget about us when doing things as a group, even if they like our personality and have no problem hanging out with us one-on-one in private. It is more important to MOST people to fit in than to nurture our friendship if our friendship threatens their ability to fit in with the group.

• Dominating the conversation, turning every conversation to be something about ourselves or our special interest. Even when talking about "them" somehow our comments always insert *us* and our accomplishments. We think we are building a bridge by sharing what we have in common. Others take it as bragging, narcissism, or dominating the conversation. I still have to watch out for this.
  
• Digging in eyes, ears, scratching scalp, or picking nails in public. Especially for women- you are not supposed to touch your face a lot, unless it is with a napkin or to push up glasses, etc. Good thing my mom taught me not to pick my nose, or I probably would have done that too.
  
• Poor grooming- look disheveled, strong body scent (according to their standards), hair not done (according to their standards), visible dirt on body, clothes rumpled or dirty (remember, they don't have tactile issues and don't understand why we always want to wear that same soft outfit all the time), also, if the group is fashionable (clothing, style) and you're not- the members of the group are less likely to invite you along, even if they like hanging around with you one-on-one (in private)
  
• Talking too loud in public
  
• Lack of "discretion," talking about things that are not "socially acceptable" As an example: in the airport one day, an aspie friend and I were talking about her upbringing. She explained childhood physical and sexual abuse in explicit detail, and was quite loud and agitated. I noticed that other passengers were getting uncomfortable with our conversation and directed it to something less distressing for those who overheard us. I consider this a victory, because 10 years ago I wouldn't have noticed their discomfort, and even if I had, I would have thought tough- that’s their problem and been happy to shake them out of their idyllic fake reality! I wouldn't have realized that extreme abuse isn't the kind of thing you talk about loudly in the airport waiting room.
  
• Always dropping stuff because of carrying too much or too unorganized; always fumbling to find keys wallet, etc
  
• Always tripping, falling, stumbling, etc. This is tough to overcome because many Aspies have spatial/clumsiness problems.
  
• Always causing "trouble" by too many special requests at the restaurant, or by asking too many questions when someone "hooks up" your group with a special deal (I always did this, because I was scared I was getting conned or they were going to charge me later)
  
• Being too critical of others (because we're so perfect, this is easy to do, LOL)
  
• Acting "weird," which is admittedly hard to quantify but basically most people don't like to stand out. And they don't want to be in a group with someone who sticks out like a sore thumb. Sometimes I have to be "true to myself" and stand out, but I have to accept the consequence that the people I'm with will be less likely to invite me along next time.

Like I said, most NTs won’t come out and tell you these things. And a lot of Aspies won’t either, because in most of the Aspie groups I’ve attended, much of the above doesn’t bother anyone. I guess we all carry too much stuff, and we’re all tripping and bumping into things. Or stimming in public. Or looking a little rumpled. I learned this stuff through trial and error and by overhearing what people say about me and others like me. BTW: If this looks familiar to you, it’s because I pulled it from another post I made to an anonymous aspie group I frequent. Hope it is of some use to you.