Angry Aspies (another rant on friendship)

I've got an anger management problem. Do you? I'm working on it, and getting a LOT better. I'm discovering a LOT of my life is faling into place as I address the things that built up this intense anger I carry within me.

I think many Aspies are wired to get angry with less provocation and in a more violent manner than NTs, and I think a lot of it has to deal with not understanding what happened but not being pleased about it on the subconscious level. I wonder if being different sets up a cycle of anger: be different, get treated bad, find yourself unable to process or express feelings, get angry and act our (different, weird) b/c you can't understand the rage you're feeling and just want it to stop, get treated bad because you're different, and on it goes.

We don't even realize it, but our tendencey to "hijack conversations" or "share" or lecture may be driven by our deep-seated inner desire to prove our selves. We may not even be aware of it- or even aware that we ARE trying to prove ourselves. But deep down, we're trying to prove that we're just as good as anyone else. That we deserve to be treated just as good as anyone else. When I discovered this about myself (almost a year ago) it knocked the wind out of me. All of my accomplishments up to that point meant nothing, because they could never fill the void by parents treating me bad (just leave her in the corner- she'll never be normal) and kids treating me bad (she's so stooooo-pid).

I see a lot of Aspies who are angry because life hasn't treated us fair, and we see people who are less smart, less perfect, and less fill-in-the-blank getting ahead when all we get is shunned. They're jerks, and everyone likes them. We're amazing, and no one likes us. We get angrier, and insist upon those areas in which we can prove our worth by being right.

Problem is, to the outside observer, we're not as cool and perfect as we think we are. And until we are humbled, that attitude of "always right" will turn people off (and against us) before we can get close enough to say hi. I'm not sure how NTs pick up on it, but they do. Normal people have normal faults. Normal people forget about stuff pretty quickly (even commitments, unfortunately). Normal people don't know about or know how to do everything. When I run off the long list of businesses and community boards on which I serve, people think I'm making it up because Normal People can't do all of that at one time. Normal people only go on ad-infinitum about their special interest (if they have one) with others who share that interest. Normal people have the discretion not to share too much personal history too soon.

When we show ourselves to be outside the range of "normal" we are sending a clear signal to "normal people" that they should stay away from us. We're going to take up a lot of their time. We're going to want to talk a loooooong time, mostly about us and how right we are, and other things they aren't interested in. We're going to send loooooooong emails that their minds can't follow. We're going to use, abuse, embarrass, or just plain inconvenience them, and unless they have issues, they are going to move on and be friends with someone else.

What's left? We end up scraping the bottom of the barrel and find people who use, abuse, embarrass, and inconvenience us. We're not happy with the relationship, but we don't dare end it because we don't have a lot of friends to choose from.

I learned this the hard way. I'm telling you, so you can avoid making my mistakes, and maybe have good friends in your teens and twenties, instead of waiting til your late thirties and forties to figure this stuff out. If you have an anger problem, get some help on getting in touch with your feelings and what's causing them. Once you know what's making you angry, you can fix it. Learning how to identify and fix anger causing situations will help you end toxic relationships, which will help you respect yourself more, and that in turn will help you attract better people. Not sure why that works, but it does.

Hope it helps.