tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82566784138000098062024-03-08T04:53:20.278-08:00Saved AspieMay this site bless, encourage, and help fellow Aspies.SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.comBlogger105125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-83245264517026732342016-03-11T16:57:00.001-08:002016-03-11T16:57:06.514-08:00Coming back isn't as easy as I had hoped...So apparently when you've been off the grid for a couple years, your social media accounts begin to disappear on you.<br />
<br />
I can't blame 'em for wanting to make money and closing "deadbeat" accounts but MAN my facebook account had several thousand friends and it really stinks to not be able to announce to them my return.<br />
<br />
Guess it's time to rebuild...<br />
<br />
Be on the lookout for a new Saved Aspie facebook, twitter, instagram,etc coming soon!SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-834781627709604612016-03-11T16:42:00.001-08:002016-03-11T16:42:32.828-08:00I'm BACK!There's a story behind why I was gone so long. I'm not sure I'm going to publish it.<br />
<br />
Let's just say that people (and by people I mean NT people) are weird. I don't understand why they do what they do or the logic they follow. I'm not even sure it IS logic. All I know is that when an Aspie gets caught up in a swirl of NT behavior, the end result is just not great.<br />
<br />
That said, my life is pretty good right now! I'm doing well financially and part of a growing family. <br />
<br />
More on that.<br />
<br />
Enough about ME.<br />
<br />
How YOU doin??!!SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-28210642810739499042014-07-28T14:10:00.000-07:002016-03-11T17:00:23.188-08:00Painful Sex (Lovemaking? Whatever you call it)Just had this comment on the Christian Nympho post. I typed a rather long response and would like to share it with you in case you or your partner is not enjoying your intimate times.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I am so sorry you're having such trouble with penetration. I found it very painful too the first year or so I was married. <br />
<br />
Your husband is getting frustrated, so he must not realize HE can do a lot to make things better. For one, he can read "She Comes First" about how to get you truly ready for penetration and how to bring you enjoyment so you'll actually get something out of the sexual act. For two, most women don't generate the natural lubricant that makes sex easier unless the man has been good and loving to them. Husbands complain all day long, but never seem to realize that step one is treating their wives better!<br />
<br />
I was married for over 10 years and never got enjoyment out of sex for three reasons: <br />
<br />
1. I had been abused as a child and had no arousal until the Lord delivered me of that hurt.<br />
<br />
2. I needed to learn my body.** A woman's body doesn't work like a man's and many men get angry because they expect a woman is like them - couple of rubs and he's done. Well, she's not like him. Her body takes a lot more work to get sexual enjoyment and what works for her can change from day to day. <br />
<br />
3. My husband was mean to me, and that dried up all of my arousal. For awhile I thought I was dysfunctional because even after the Lord healed the hurt of my childhood and I began to feel arousal, it would rarely come from my husband. The few times I'd feel aroused were when some other guy was nice to me. I'd have to stay away from that other guy and pray and fast for those feelings to go away so I wouldn't risk falling into adultery. <br />
<br />
Finally I figured it out! IT was because he was so mean. He would only be nice when he thought about making love. He would read an article that says "women are like crock pots, it takes them all day to heat up" so he would say he loved me in the morning and send me an email at lunch. But woven around those things was an air of disrespect and an obvious "I'm only saying/doing these things because I want to make love tonight," which totally had the opposite effect: it made me LESS interested in spending that time with him.<br />
<br />
I wish more men figured out that if they would treat their wives lovingly that even if she weren't into lovemaking herself, she would be more likely to want to please him in that area.</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
**Also, the reason I learned my body in the first place was through
reading "Woman's Orgasm" which outlines a plan for helping women have
one if they never have before. There's some things in that book I don't
like (as a Christian - for, example, thinking of a hot star while
exploring yourself...that just sounds adulterous to me), but you can
skip over steps you don't like and still get a lot out of the book!</blockquote>
SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-79194448314975587482014-07-27T08:00:00.000-07:002014-07-27T08:00:02.754-07:00Still mad, but at least I learned a trick for making friendsI'm not feeling better today. I'm actually feeling worse. Talking with an NT friend really hurt: not only does her mind keep track of so many things I never could hope to keep track of, but she kept using "special" the way people used to use "retard" and it really hurts to think someone close to me feels that way about those with mental disabilities.<br />
<br />
I don't feel like writing about the "special" term. Maybe I'll do that
later. Nothing's wrong with being "special." Many of my best friends
are "special." <br />
<br />
The good part of our conversation, though, is learning a trick for getting people to like you more:<br />
<br />
My friend is amazing with remembering an incredible amount of information about people she'd just met. I mean, she knew their familes names, their histories, all that stuff. I wouldn't have ever even TRIED to remember all that because I already know I wouldn't be able to do it. But then I watched her during her visit this week and I see that's why everyone likes her! She remembers everything about them and she shows she cares about them by weaving what she remembers in the conversation.<br />
<br />
Lesson for Aspies: Though you may not care about someone's great aunt and their dog's cataracts, remembering those things and bringing them up at appropriate times will help them like you. If you are like me and can't remember those kinds of details to save your life, then you can try what I'm starting to do: When I'm done with a conversation, I put info about the person into my phone.<br />
<br />
So for example: I went to the car shop last week. I put the car shop info in my phone and used the "notes" field to add details on the people who worked there. Bob (fake name) owns the place, bought it 5 years ago, rides a harley. Jackie (his wife) likes to garden. Bezo (the old hairy guy) smokes and is mean. Now, a week later, I call back and get Jackie. I talk business (is my car ready yet?) and then after I'm done with business I ask her if she has tomatoes this year. My tomatoes are growing like crazy. Did you plant tomatoes? No? What did you plant this year?<br />
<br />
Do I really care if she has a garden? Probably not. I mean, don't get me wrong! I love hearing about everyone's gardens because I get great ideas! But I'm usually always in a rush. So that's not why I'm taking extra time to ask about her garden. The real reason I'm asking is because this is the foundation for forming relationships with people. People like to feel like you are interested in them, that you like them. They like to feel smart, funny, beautiful around you. So you can use that tendency to help form relationships. When you form relationships with people, and when you do this life goes much more smoothly. They help you more. They give you more information. They go look in the back for what you need rather than say "if it's not on the shelf, then we're out."<br />
<br />
I hear some Aspies saying, "but that's being fake!" Not so fast! By showing interest in them, yo are making them feel better about themselves. Don't you feel happier when someone asks your expertise on something or when they ask you how you're doing? This is the same principal. <br />
<br />
Now most Aspies I know will do a job for you whether they like you or not. Many NTs aren't that way. If an NT likes you, he will go through great lengths to try and get you what you need. If an NT doesn't like you, then he may not help at all (even if he COULD help, and even if it's their JOB to help). So you're not being fake. You're genuinely wanting to make this person feel good about themselves around you because that ultimately helps YOU.<br />
<br />
I've been using the "phone trick" to keep track of my real friends too. Birthdays, likes, dislikes, whatever was bothering them last night (so in a week or two I can loop back and ask them "how is that going). It's really helping!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-53704369287110966872014-07-26T20:29:00.002-07:002014-07-26T20:29:29.697-07:00I hate being so stupid.This is not going to be a happy post. If you need happy, please come back some other time.<br />
<br />
I hate feeling so stupid. I hate sitting in meetings not realizing what is going on. I hate talking with two other women and they start laughing because they know I've lost track of what they are saying. I hate knowing the guys at work are playing verbal tricks on me but a) not being fast enough to pick up on it in time or b) even if I do pick up on it not being fast enough with a snappy comeback.<br />
<br />
I know I'm awesome in many ways. Unfortunately, mental processing is not one of them. I can visualize great interstellar theories and work physics problems that take 15 pages to solve, but I cannot "read between the lines" or understand the minute intricacies of how the NT mind works.<br />
<br />
I know, with a head knowledge, that I am awesome and that God thinks I am awesome. But my heart doesn't feel awesome. It feels like an outsider. A lame outsider always looking in, but always some gap between me and the rest of the world. <br />
<br />
I know I'll feel better tomorrow.SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-21223562597408241862014-02-17T07:03:00.002-08:002014-02-17T07:03:29.873-08:00Why I Removed the Asperger's WebRingHi everyone,<br />
<br />
You may have noticed I no longer carry a link to the Asperger's WebRing on my site. It used to just be a code that let you find more Aspie websites and blogs. Now it sometimes takes over my blog (so that when people type in savedaspie.blogspot.com instead of my blog they get sent to a WebRing page with other sites listed (but not MINE)).<br />
<br />
I feel this is totally unacceptable, and I apologize to those of you who had been trying to tell me this was happening. I never experienced it (all this time) until today.<br />
<br />
Thanks for reading and take care!!<br />
<br />
ParisSavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-17027529606334762182013-10-24T20:49:00.003-07:002013-10-24T20:49:29.110-07:00Mean People. Rude People.<br />Though it’s never your fault when someone is rude to them (they should have better manners than that!) sometimes we make the situation worse just by nature of being Aspies. Unfortunately, it seems to me that in the NT world, once they've labeled someone as a jerk it’s ok to be mean to them. Also, once they’ve labeled someone as weaker or inferior, it’s ok to take advantage of them. <br /><br />I don’t feel this way. But many NTs do.<br /><br />Here are some things I’ve noticed contribute to when are people most mean to me:<br /><br />They are rude to me when I can't clearly and quickly communicate what I want. If I take 2 minutes to get out one thought, they don't have time or interest and they get mad and be rude.<br /><br />They are rude to me when I am clearly interrupting. If they are on the phone, talking with someone, etc, this is not the time to interrupt unless very, very important. I have trouble with this because my delayed processing means I think there is a gap in the conversation sometimes and I speak only to realize they'd started talking again and now I just cut them off. I've learned to just stop my words when I realize this, and say, "I'm sorry I thought you were done, please go on- I really wanna know what you think" and not let my pride be hurt about it. You have to reassure them you really want to hear what they were going to say, otherwise they will think YOU are being rude.<br /><br />They are rude to me when I am annoying them (even if I don’t realize it). What makes it worse is they will never tell you that you are annoying to them!! Here are some things I did that annoy people (I still do them when stressed, but I try really hard not to): Laugh at the end of every sentence. Talk all the time and for a long time (I have worked hard to lose the reputation of “don’t go talk to her unless you have 30 minutes to kill”). Talk my every move out loud as I do it (“ok, now I’m gonna click this… oh, let’s see what that site says… oh yeah that’s the one I want”), pop my knuckles/neck/back alllll the time (don’t do this!), clip my nails at my desk (don’t know why they can do this but I can’t - pout - ), make lots of desk noise (rustling papers, rattling pens etc). Have your cell phone go off all the time (put it silent or vibrate and if the vibrate is LOUD put it on silent) - even if you use your alarm to stay on task like I do this annoys them and they may never tell you.<br /><br /><br />They are rude to me when they think I am passive, weak, dumb. Behaviors that contribute to them thinking this of me are: looking down all the time (try to sit/stand/walk with shoulders “up, back, and down” head up in a confident pose and making eye contact often), laughing at the end of every sentence (indicates nervousness), fidgeting or clenching fists (indicates nervousness or anger), temper tantrums/meltdowns, writing down every word they say in a meeting (indicates you don’t have a strong enough mind to remember the key points), not fighting back when someone does you wrong (if thy do you wrong, you have to stand up for yourself- but you gotta do it the right way). This actually deserves it’s own point.<br /><br />They are rude to me when I don’t stand up for myself. New people at work OFTEN do what I call “testing.” They will dog you out, make you look foolish, or say something untrue to see what you do. Basically, they are looking to see if you a) catch what they’ve done and b) have the guts to do something about it. For example, a new coworker poo-poohed my program in front of my boss. I know I don’t always understand what’s going on, so I didn’t jump down his throat right there but when I got back to my office I verified that my opinion was valid, sent him documentation to that effect, and then told him perhaps he’d like to spend a few weeks getting up to speed on things like this (the doc I sent him) before he blasted me in front of the boss. He was nice to me for about 2-3 weeks, then another “test.” Nice for 2-3 weeks and then another “test.” Another example: A vender said something that clearly wasn’t true according to the laws of physics. In the past, I would just ignore it and say in my head “he doesn’t’ know what he’s talking about.” I thought I was being gracious to just let it go. The problem is, he probably KNEW he was blowing smoke and just wanted to see if YOU were smart enough to know it. So the first time someone says something wrong, you gotta call them on it. Be quick about it though, don’t take 5 minutes explaining why they’re wrong- just in 1 sentence or less. If someone really doesn’t know their stuff, pull them aside. Just make sure, if you do this, that it’s really a “right vs wrong” thing, not just something where you have your way and they have their way of doing it, or you could be labeled as an inflexible jerk.<br /><br />They are rude to me when they perceive that I only talk about myself and ask about myself. This can be tough because I tend to think if you want to tell me something you WILL so I don't ask about your weekend or your pet. I figure if you want to talk about your weekend, you will. But NTs don't work that way. They actually use a code to tell you they wanna tell you about their weekend. It's crazy, but the way they tell you this is not to just start talking about their weekend (what I would do) but ask you about YOURS. They really don't want to hear about yours- they just want you to give a quick answer and say "So how was YOUR weekend" so they can tell you all about it. Crazy. If you're the person who always talks about you and never about them, then they feel justified being mean to you because they've now labeled you as a jerk. And in the NT world, it’s ok to be mean to jerks. Never mind the fact that, to most Aspies, they’re the true jerks, but that’s another story!!<br /><br />They are rude to me when they realize I don't process things fast enough or that I am naive in certain areas. One antidote to this is to NOT tell personal stories. I recommend you do NOT talk about how this person or that person hurt you, how no one ever likes you, no one ever appreciates you, people always take advantage of you. This marks you as a target and a manipulator, listening to all this, will soon move in to take advantage of you. Another antidote to this is to talk as minimally as possible- basically get the other people talking much more so they don't ever find out you have trouble processing. Never mind the fact that I can calculate in my head things they will never understand, the bottom line is I'm slower in processing many things, and they will see that weakness and go in for the kill.<br /><br />They are rude to me when I'm too negative. The same complaining I mentioned above might also label you as someone who will always bring others down. People want to feel happy. They want to surround themselves with people who make them feel better about themselves. Unless there's a particular reason they are sad (for example, their mom or pet died or they just got fired) they don't want you to be sad around them. And even when you have a legitimate reason to be sad, they kinda want you to get over it faster than you think is reasonable. It stinks, I know! Again, this goes into being labeled a jerk. If you get labeled a jerk buy influential NTs, the others at work or school will take it upon themselves to be mean to you. Sorry.<br /><br />They are rude/mean to me when they realize I have what they call “word vomit” tendencies. To most NTs this blog post would be entirely too long. “Ain’t nobody got time fo dat!” If you write like I do, or if you talk like I write (which is how I talk at home) you are going to get labeled a pompous, arrogant, selfish jerk. Even though I’m none of those things. And people aren’t going to want to have time for you. And, again, in the NT world, if you are labeled a jerk or are in a major way different from others, it appears socially acceptable for them to be mean to you.<br /><br />My experience with NTs has show me that they are VERY into themselves but resent any indication that YOU are into yourself and will often be mean/rude to those perceived as weaker or of lesser value. <br /><br />Mostly, if I can sum this up: NTs will treat you mean if you a) waste their time, b) annoy them, c) appear too into yourselves (and not enough into them) and d) appear to be less strong mentally than they are. It is never your fault that someone is mean to you, but by being aware of the items I wrote above, you can significantly reduce the instances where people are rude to you.<br /><br />SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-44248072233142707552013-10-20T16:36:00.000-07:002013-10-20T16:36:21.424-07:00Learn how to be social and overcome social anxiety!!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Asperger’s people generally have a lot of trouble with
social anxiety and many don't like to make eye contact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>About 10 years ago, I got my first managerial
job and it required me to be more of a people person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eye contact was SOOO painful for me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And random chit chat?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WHY??<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Why should I pretend to care about your cat??<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ugh!!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Anyway, I had to learn how to be more comfortable with
eye contact and random chit-chat or I was gonna lose this job. Here is my
strategy for how to "practice" being social by progression. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still have some days where I’m bad at this,
but more good days than bad and so I have given this strategy to many young
adult Aspies with great success. I hope it helps you!!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
For each of these do as much as you can handle and have
time for: 5, 10, 20 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The key is
to do these practice behaviors consistently (at least once a week) until you
get better. It took me about a year to be able to look people in the eyes and
say hi, and another year to get comfortable initiating chit-chat with
strangers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the beginning, I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>also said a lot of dumb stuff (oops) and had
people looking at me crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You get
better over time- so don’t give up!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
1. Walk around Walmart/Target/etc and practice looking
people in the eye as you walk past them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Drive to a nearby town if you don't want friends/coworkers/peers to see
you. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Walk around
Walmart/Target/etc and both look people in the eye and smile as you walk past
them</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Same thing,
just add saying "Hi"</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once you're
comfortable with the above, walk around any store (again, if you’re scared out
of your mind do this in another town or a place where people don’t know you!!)
and approach people looking for something in the shelves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before you approach them, have a conversation
topic handy that gives a good reason for you interrupting them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
For example:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re
in the spice aisle, and there’s a lady looking around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She doesn’t look like she’s in a rush, so you
pick up a spice blend and ask her, “Excuse me, have you tried this before?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You could also ask if she’s tried this brand
before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it’s a tall guy, you could
ask him to get something from a high shelf for you (even if you don’t really
need it- the clerk can help you put it back later or, if it’s not perishable,
you can just leave it at the checkout).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t just pick the first person you see for
this!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick someone who is more likely
to give you a good experience by looking for those who seem peaceful and happy
and not in a rush. If they look angry or agitated, or if their kids are
screaming, don’t practice on them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’ll
probably just be mean to you, and that would hurt. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
**The key here is to practice talking to random
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This can be very painful!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was for me!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just spend 5, 10, 20 minutes a session and it
will work wonders for you!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once you are comfortable
talking to someone “in context” (that is, it would seem reasonable for you to
ask for help or advice in context of shopping) now it’s time to be random. Yep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re going to practice making random
conversation with anyone around you: in the elevator, in line at the checkout,
waiting for the metro, wherever you and someone else are “stuck together” for a
few minutes.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I know, I know, you probably feel like this is going to
be a waste of your time!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not and
here’s why: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over the years I’ve become
pretty good at doing this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only has
it helped me professionally (that is, I get better jobs now) but it’s also
helped me get along with people who can help me in my daily life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See, before I learned to make chit-chat with
people it seemed like everyone was so mean to me. If I went into a store and
asked for help, seemed like they didn’t want to help me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I went to a new church, none of the young
adults would talk to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t
understand why because I’m such a nice, caring person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, I don’t understand WHY but I do know
that being able to make this kind of chit-chat with random strangers totally
changes them into people who WANT to help you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ve learned a lot about cool things chit-chatting with strangers in
line at the grocery store. I’ve gotten freebies from chit-chatting with waiters
and other service agents. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally, the
BIGGEST benefit with all of this for me is it’s made it easier for me to make
friends and engage in romantic relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I used to stress out so bad I would look for any reason not to go out
with a guy (and then beat myself up about no guys wanting me!!).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This reason alone is well worth the pain and
anxiety of working through these steps.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Like I said above, I still have my bad days. I have days
where I can’t make eye contact with anyone in the store, but those days are
rare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
If this has helped you, please comment and let me know!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Thanks,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Paris</div>
SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-45230546308106453772013-09-28T04:22:00.001-07:002013-09-28T04:22:14.939-07:00Ability and Sensory Tolerant Bible Study in VirginiaHello everyone! My best friend and I have moved to the DC area and she is starting a Bible Study. Her Bible Study will focus on teaching the Word of God and not personal agendas. Also, she will not ostracize you for being different or stimming or any such thing. <br />
<br />
Please check out her facebook page<span class="userContent"><span class="text_exposed_show">, and I'll see you there!<br /> <br /> <a href="https://www.facebook.com/KingstowneCLGI" rel="nofollow">https://www.facebook.com/KingstowneCLGI</a></span></span>SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-14004832321204607212013-04-17T18:26:00.001-07:002013-04-17T18:26:04.568-07:00Back in Country!!! God Bless the US of A!!!I've had an amazing adventure overseas and can't WAIT to tell you all about it!!<br />
<br />
My trip taxed the limiits of my ability to deal with people, that's for sure!<br />
<br />
I will admit I had one little meltdown... well, not LITTLE because I went off on the WRONG PERSON.<br />
<br />
Of all the people for me to meltdown on...I went off on MY BOSS!! OOPS!! But the trip was still successful and I just received word I will be moving back to the DC area.<br />
<br />
So AAGW* and ASAN** here I come!! I was there in the beginning, and I look forward to working with you both again. Hope you guys still remember me, lol!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
* Asperger Adults of Greater Washington www.AAGW.net <br />
**Autistic Self Advocacy Network http://autisticadvocacy.org/SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-7484956797963956152012-08-22T05:55:00.001-07:002012-08-22T05:58:20.745-07:00How to Fail A Job InterviewI'm flying out to another work project. The woman in the seat behind me is gabbing loudly on her cell phone. Before I can get too upset at her verbal invasion of my space, I realize she is an interviewer. She is telling her BFF about this horrible interview she just conducted. I thought I’d tell you what this guy did… DON’T DO what he did!!<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>He showed up to the interview in wrinkly clothes and smelled bad. </li>
<li>He was visibly nervous shaking and sweating. She couldn’t stand to smell or look at him, and almost canceled the interview. I didn’t hear why she continued… but she did. </li>
<li>She asked to see his resume and he couldn’t find it- was fumbling, dropping stuff, digging through papers trying to find it. Finally gave it to her in half crumpled b/c he was so stressed out. I don’t understand why she asked this- she should already have it- but the bottom line is, he appeared unprepared. </li>
<li> He stumbled and stuttered over her questions. </li>
<li>When he realized she wasn’t going to hire him, he pleaded with her to give him a chance. </li>
</ol>
<br />
What can we learn from this?<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Sometimes it hurts, but looks matter! Dress appropriately for the job in clean, wrinkle-free clothes and make sure you are freshly groomed. EVEN if *YOU* don’t think it’s important, it I*IS* important to most other people that you. So shower, apply cologne if you need it, make sure your hair is done (to *THEIR* standards, not necessarily *YOURS*), brush your teeth, add makeup if you need it, trim/shave if you appear unkempt, and if your hair is shaggy get a haircut. Learn to smile naturally. This takes practice, especially for folks on the spectrum who’ve never realized they were constantly frowning. </li>
<li>If you get nervous, find ways to PRACTICE talking in stressful situations. Being on the spectrum is often accompanied by extreme anxiety at new situations. A job interview can be really, REALLY stressful. You know that once you learn how to do the job you’ll be great at it. But the interviewer doesn’t know that. All s/he sees is someone who may be too anxious to perform needed job tasks. You can practice interviewing with friends, or even join a formal organization geared towards helping people speaking on-the-spot. Toastmasters is one such organization that’s helped me improve both my written speeches and no-notice impromptu talks. If you don’t have time or access to a Toastmasters meeting, or if you feel uncomfortable asking friends/family to help you practice, and you can also practice making small talk with strangers in the store. It’s not an interview, but it’s stressful enough to help you overcome nervousness. Another great resource that helped me is an audio called “How to make your point in 30 seconds or less.” </li>
<li>Be prepared. Have all your paperwork in easy to find manner- whatever works for you. Some people use folders with pockets, padfolios with multiple folder pockets, 3-ring binders with tabs for each entry. Some good things to have are your resume, any articles/accomplishments you’ve had, quick notes about the company and/or the person doing the interview. The key is to make it quick. You don’t want 20 pages on every award you won in elementary and high school. Under pressure you won’t be able to find what you need to show the interviewer that you are the best fit for the job. </li>
<li>This goes in hand with #2. Prepare! There are interview websites that list all kinds of crazy interview questions. If you don’t have a friend who can help quiz you, then use these websites to generate your own bank of questions to practice with. This is especially important for people on the spectrum with “experienced” based memories that will help you if you have at least practiced answering the question at least once. Similarly, many people with this type of memory freeze up and panic when hit with an awkward question catches them by surprise. The more you practice, the better able you will be to draw from your memory of closely related questions and answer with calm clarity. </li>
<li>Do not beg the interviewer. If you have to beg, you’ve probably lost your chance at the job. If you know you didn’t do well at the interview, but this really is the job for you, try your best to calm down and explain (in 30 seconds or less) why you are a good fit for the job. Remember, the 2 most important things an interviewer is evaluating are 1) your ability to do the job and 2) your ability to fit in with the company’s culture (that is, get along with your coworkers). </li>
</ol>
<br />
Sometimes being able to get along with your coworkers is even more important than how well you can do the job so make sure to smile and above all, show the interviewer that hiring you will not only profit the company, but make him/her look good as the person who selected you. After reading my little notes, I hope you’ll be the kind of person that causes an interviewer to rave about how she was blown away during your interview!! If you have a job interview coming up, I do hope you’ll let me know how it goes.<br />
<br />
XOXO,<br />
<br />
Paris!
SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-8216506419808198732012-04-04T06:41:00.003-07:002012-04-04T06:44:49.210-07:00Desperately need time alone!I've been traveling a LOT for work, so I haven't had much time to blog over the past year. I also haven't had much time to *myself* which makes it hard for me. I can only "keep up appearances" for so long. Then I need a break, time alone or with friends who accept me as I am, so I can just be myself and unwind. <br /><br />Unfortunately, it seems like the better I do in my work, the more jobs I get assigned, and the less time I have for myself. I'll have to figure something out eventually. <br /><br />For now, though, let me just say that I really appreciate those of you who continue to comment on my blog posts or email me to tell me what's going on in your life. Knowing my writing is helping people really keeps me energized!<br /><br />Love y'all,<br /><br />ParisSavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-7564372595155354552011-11-10T22:22:00.000-08:002011-11-10T22:37:43.017-08:00How to Stop Appearing to Be So Judgmental (How To Stop Coming Off Judgmental)I lost a few friends recently. I feel sad about it. I basically told some people things about themselves that they didn't ask to hear but that I, as a true friend, felt it wrong to hold in.<br /><br />I really can't describe the incidences due to privacy of the other parties, but let's just say that in one case I am right and told a coworker something that all our other coworkers wanted to but were too chicken too. I've done this in the past (such as with a particularly odoriferous coworker) and it's usually worked out for the best. This time, however, things did not work out. This is actually the first time I've had something of this nature (where I address something the whole office complains about) actually go wrong. Every other time there was some short-term discomfort, but long term peace and acceptance.<br /><br />The other one, I think my intentions were pure... but my delivery was waaaay too judgmental.<br /><br />The funny thing is, I don't really judge others. Not in *THAT* sense. I love everyone. I may not trust just everyone. And I may not date just anyone. But I'll hang out with just about anyone who isn't trying to involve me in anything illegal and who will accommodate my desire to stay away from things/behaviors in which I don't want to engage. For example: I don't care if you drink around me, but don't pressure *me* to drink.<br /><br />As long as you let me be me, I'll let you be you.<br /><br />So, I feel like I have to improve my delivery. And I went online today in search of ways to deliver my messages without coming across so judgmental. <br /><br />At first, I couldn't find anything. I searched on how to stop appearing judgmental, how to stop coming off judgmental, how to prevent others from thinking you are judgmental... Nothing. So I searched, "How to stop BEING judgmental," and BINGO! A ton of websites I now need to go through. <br /><br />Why is this a problem, you ask? Because most of us Aspies who care about appearing to be judgmental and want to fix it are not of the opinion that we ARE judgmental. I don't think I am. I think I just come across that way. So I'm not naturally inclined to read these because I don't want to learn how to not BE judgmental. And I certainly don't wan to listen to some better-than-me NT dripping with condescension try to teach me how I can stop being so "bad."<br /><br />I'm going to go through those sites, see what I can learn, and then write some posts on it. And I'll give you examples of where people pointed out that I was judgmental (surprising me!) so you can learn from my mistakes.<br /><br />In the meantime, if you have any useful advice on how someone can learn to stop appearing to be judgmental when all they are doing is expressing an alternate viewpoint, do let me know!SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-67234321432356871332011-09-06T20:00:00.001-07:002011-09-06T20:08:55.735-07:00Are you Fat, Dumb, or Ugly (Dr. Laura)?The other day, I was listening to "call of the day" on Dr. Laura's website*, and she asked a young lady who was putting up with a man who didn't treat her very well, "Are you fat, dumb, or ugly?" Dr. Laura's point was that this girl must feel she is one of those three categories if she was willing to tolerate such poor treatment in her relationship. It came out that the girl was overweight, and Dr. Laura gave her some advice for improving her body as well as her body image.<br /><br />My question then remains... what do you do if you feel you are in the other two categories? <br /><br />If you are ugly, there ARE things you can do to improve your appearance, but if you have certain physical deformities/injuries/body weaknesses (like I do!) there's just not much you can do about it. I know there's a certain physical feature that I have that turns guys off. It's not readily visible, but if I ever get into a close relationship he will discover it. And then what? That is so scary to me! <br /><br />And what if you are dumb? Or maybe not "really" dumb, but what if you, like me, are very slow at processing things? So you (like me) can comprehend great theories that hurt other peoples heads... but it takes you a longer time to do it. And when people talk to you, you have a delay before you can fully process what they are saying and appropriately respond? How do you overcome the negative self-esteem that goes along with THAT? I "fake it till you make it" well enough at work to get along and keep my good-paying job, but I don't even attempt to keep up the "I'm just as smart as you" facade off duty.<br /><br />Would like your suggestions... what has worked for other people you know? <br /><br />* I'm having trouble with her site, but when I find the link to this call I'll post it.SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-84546574646145193262011-08-13T20:37:00.000-07:002011-08-13T20:43:41.812-07:00Do You Think Like Others?Sometimes I forget that I don't think like other people.
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<br />One one hand, my mind conceives of amazing theories- math and physics are SO easy for me. I can pick up a book, read it, and know how to do whatever the book is talking about, even if no one is there to show me. I can't leap tall buildings in a single bound, I'm not faster than a speeding bullet, but my mind is an amazing computer. The stuff I comprehend makes other people's head hurt.
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<br />But on the other hand, I still don't (after 4 decades of living!) get how my friends can know every episode of every season of their favorite show, know the interactions of all these actresses and actors, love (obviously fake and poorly written) shows, talk about nothingness for hours and have a great time doing it! It makes MY head hurt!!
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<br />And, wow, how can they sit in a crowded room of 10 other ladies, 5 conversations, plus a tv show they've never seen playing, and at the end of the night know what each other said AND what happened in that TV show? If you get two separate convos going in the same room... all I hear is NOISE!
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<br />I don't get them! But I love my friends. And I'm glad they are my friends. Even though half of what they say goes over my head. I'm pretty sure half of what I say goes over their head too. Lol.
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<br />SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-25893072420285722492011-05-22T14:28:00.000-07:002011-05-22T14:29:50.353-07:00Don't be a target, patsy, or schwimpOn a private Aspie board I frequent, someone posted about apologizing over and over for the same thing. <br /><br />I'd like to warn anyone else who does this why I had to learn to stop doing the exact same thing: Because when I would do that, people saw me as an easy target. They knew I guilt-tripped easily, and they used that apologetic, wants to please, wants to make everything right part of my nature to manipulate me into doing/giving stuff (favors, work, money) for them.<br /><br />Three things have really helped me cut down on the number of people who manipulate me (very rarely happens now, but I'm still a big softie-always will be- so sometimes someone gets me, lol)<br /><br />1. Look as confident as I can (often pretending, "fake it til you make it"<br />2. Don't apologize much (even if I'm wrong, and even if deep down inside I feel that huge pressure to apologize and try and "make it right")<br />3. Don't do things for people til I've known them for awhile (at least 6 months) and even then, try to tell them "no" every other time if not more often.<br /><br />The weird thing about all this, is that when I started enacting these boundaries in my life, I thought I would lose all my friends. But what happened is I only lost my "so called friends," those people who didn't really like me, but were just pretending to like me so they could take advantage of me. <br /><br /><br />And I began attracting more quality people into my life. I still don't have as many close friends as I'd like, but now I at least have a small nucleus of folks I trust to have my best interest at heart. Couple years ago, all I had were people who would use me up and wear me out, and then not be there for me when *I* needed some help.SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-34316120982448732642011-05-22T13:57:00.001-07:002011-05-22T13:59:36.038-07:00My Baby Boy Loves Me<span style="font-style:italic;">guest post by <a href="http://www.janinewiggins.com/news.php?item.306.5">Janine Wiggins</a>:</span><br /><br /><blockquote>So... tonight at <a href="http://www.318live.com/">318Live</a>, my little Peanut was a bit wild. Translation: overtired. He was whirling around, flapping his arms, and exhibiting autistic traits I hadn't seen in awhile in this extremely sociable, usually well behaved little man. I was a bit frustrated at first because I really liked the praise and worship songs they were singing this time, and wanted to get into it. But since he was overtired I knew my best bet was to jump in the water with him, calm him down, and help him get to sleep.<br /><br />As he alternated between pressing my hands hard to his ears and giving my hands an abundance of kisses, I reflected back on how he was over 2 years old before he purposely gave me a hug. Over 4 years old before he actually said "I love you" without it being a mimicked my response to my having said so.<br /><br />As I began to thank God for his over-the-top displays of love (which sometimes drives me crazy now, lol!) I realized that for every time I have to take him to a back corner, so he can whirl around and flap his arms, I have 20+ times of awesome behavior that always garners compliments like, "my, how very well behaved your son is."<br /><br />Finally, I remembered how I cried out for 8 years to the Lord to heal my body so that I could have a child. This is always where the Spirit takes me back to, when I get overwhelmed with parenting ;-)<br /><br />I left 318 that night, not only with a heart for the mission we raised funds for (<a href="http://www.hello-somebody.com/">HelloSomebody</a>), but also with a heart full of gratitude for the great God who gave me a wonderful, bright, intelligent, loving little boy.</blockquote>SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-52159009537674912382011-05-19T22:15:00.000-07:002011-05-19T22:26:34.508-07:00Loving OurselvesQuick thought for today... I was browsing an old self-help book on building self esteem. Wish I could find the title for you. One thing she mentioned stuck out to me because it's something I'm currently focusing on: Loving myself.<br /><br />We need to love ourselves.<br /><br />This is hard, sometimes, because we may never have experienced real love from our parents, so-called friends, etc. But I've been working on accepting myself (faults included) and loving myself. And her chapter actually outlined what I'm doing along with a few tips and tricks. I will have to get that book for you, but in the meantime, here's what I wanted to share:<br /><br />Every day:<br /><br />1. Tell yourself, I am worthy of being loved.<br />2. Be your own best friend.<br />3. During the day compliment yourself at least once.<br />4. At the end of the day, if there's something you're mad about yourself for, or have been beating yourself up over, tell yourself "I forgive you for {insert whatever it was you're mad at yourself for}"<br /><br />When we begin to internalize that we are worthy of being loved, people who will actually love us (not just use us) will be attracted to our lives.SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-6268094343852433642011-05-17T22:04:00.000-07:002011-05-17T22:13:17.475-07:00I don't take care of *me* I can't take care of my sonI just responded to a comment left last week, and I was surprised to see that my last post was back in March.<br /><br />It shouldn't have been a surprise, though, because I've been traveling a lot for my new job and that takes a LOT of energy out of me. I replied to that commenter "I have much higher travel commitment than I'm used to. That's part of why I don't post here or on fb as much as I used to- I just don't have the energy to post anything other than pity parties lately, and that's not helpful for anyone, lol!"<br /><br />What is helpful for anyone reading this is that I am not beating myself up about not doing all that I would like to. And I hope that if you are having to trim your life of some things (whether permanently or temporarily) that you are gentle and loving with yourself about it.<br /><br />I've accepted the fact that I only have so much energy, and I have to pick and choose where it goes: God, taking care of me, taking care of my son, my job. Yep, in that order- yes, I know some mammas will take issue with me putting myself before my son, but I've realized if I don't take care of *me* I will be unable to take care of my son. This may not hold true for other, more capagle, more energetic, more NT (lol) mammas out there.<br /><br />What does taking care of *me* look like? <br /> <br />Gotta make sure I eat right, which means allowing time to both cook AND clean up later<br />Gotta exercise (ugh, but it helps my mood and my waistline)<br />Gotta get enough sleep (yes, I'm going to bed in 5 minutes!)<br />Gotta make sure I have a clean house and clothes (because if I let the clutter build up, then it overwhelms and paralyzes me and takes WAY MORE effort to clean than if I just attacked it a little bit each day)<br />And finally, I must budget adequate time for proper grooming, which improves the way other people treat me as well as the way I feel about myself.SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-67650537716178372112011-03-27T06:36:00.000-07:002011-03-27T06:44:24.029-07:00If I do everything for everyone, there's nothing left for ME"I have to remind myself that if I do everything for everyone, then I won't have any energy to be there for people in the future."<br /><br />I really liked this comment "Intellectual Christian Geek" left on my <a href="http://savedaspie.blogspot.com/2011/02/boundaries-victories.html">Boundaries </a>post, and just thought I'd highlight its wisdom.<br /><br />Our energy, time, resources are not infinite. 5 minutes I spend helping Person A is 5 less minutes I have available to help Person B, or 5 minutes less I have available to do something nice for myself. <br /><br />The $50 I allow Person C to guilt-trip me out of is $50 less I have to spend on my kid's art supplies or new clothes.<br /><br />With God's help, I'm learning that serving Him doesn't mean giving others ALL of my available time, energy, resources.<br /><br />Sometimes, the best way to take care of ourselves is to guard our energy so we don't spend it on activities that bring us no real joy or benefit. And to guard our time, so we don't fill it up with frivolity and then later not have enough time to take care of what's really important. And to guard our resources (money, stuff) so we don't end up surprised later when we have nothing to show for all our effort.SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-69056371149000872842011-03-17T20:28:00.000-07:002011-03-17T20:38:31.173-07:00Another Man Will Come Along Soon EnoughToday I discovered Mr. Man's myspace page. In the 4 months we were dating, I didn't even know he HAD a myspace page. He never used a computer around me, and though he needed one for work I just assumed he wasn't an "online" kind of guy. But he logged in yesterday to myspace, according to his myspace page.<br /><br />(If you missed the "Mr. Man" saga, my previous posts <a href="http://savedaspie.blogspot.com/2011/02/wheres-my-reward-huh.html">Where's *MY* Reward, HUH??</a> and <a href="http://savedaspie.blogspot.com/2011/02/had-adult-breakdown-todaybut-recovered.html">Had An Adult Breakdown Today...But Recovered</a> will give you a few details.<br /><br />The picture, though not one of his best, took my heart away. He's so gorgeous. And I spent the next hour obsessing over how I could friend him, because his profile was private. <br /><br />But then I took a cold, hard, look at him, and surprised myself by saying, "He was an awesome man. But another one will come along soon enough." It sounds silly, but I really wasn't expecting to feel that way.<br /><br />Praise God! I think I'm actually starting to get over him!SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-53849013104221977012011-03-16T20:24:00.001-07:002011-03-16T20:53:49.919-07:00Yoga Makes Me CryWell, it finally happened. I broke down in tears during yoga.<br /><br />I've been going to yoga* for about two months now, and each time I see myself in the mirror, I am so filled with sadness, anger, and self-loathing. With the Spirit's help, I'm slowly learning to truly love myself (even my faulty parts), yet in yoga my mind slows down enough for anger at the childhood and genetics that caused me to be deficient in self-love to rise to the surface. I get sad knowing I have these handicaps to overcome through no fault of my own. I get angry at the handicaps themselves and the effect they've had on my life.<br /><br />I especially get upset at my appearance. I look at all the thin, flexible people in that class and, even though I hold my poses pretty well, I can't stand what I see in that mirror. <br /><br />This doesn't happen in other classes. Step, weights, kickboxing. I am powerful in all of them, typically one of the top performers, even though I'm a size 16. On the track, I run fast and look good (so I'm told).<br /><br />But in yoga, somehow, I come face to face with who I am. And who I can never be. <br /><br />I see that my clothes never fit right- they always make me look fatter than my kickboxing or running clothes. Funny how most of the time, they ARE my kickboxing or running clothes. So what's up with the yoga mirror?<br /><br />Instead of seeing the wonderful person who lost almost 50 pounds, I see the size 22 I used to be. The fatty no one liked, and everyone treated like was so dumb and lazy. I see the grown woman who still struggles with adolescent social concepts- who is learning in her 4th decade what others learned before high-school. I see the mind that doesn't quite follow others, ears that get lost in a sea of voices, the eyes that don't quite express to others what I really feel, leading them to think I'm angry, disappointed, condescending when I'm not. <br /><br />I see everything about me that makes me "not good enough," "undesirable," "useless." words that echo in my subconscious and produce in me a desire I must always fight to please too many people, to ingratiate myself so maybe they'll accept me and be my friends.<br /><br />And so yesterday I broke down in tears about halfway through my yoga class. And I realized that in spite of all my accomplishments, I have never truly loved myself. I always hated being a who I was. I hated being a goody-two-shoes. I wanted to be "bad" like others. Just let loose, let my hair down, and have some fun. Yet, even as an adult, I can't bring myself to break "the rules." I get angry that I can't just turn my conscience off and relax like "normal" people. I get mad that, deep down inside, I don't really WANT to. I just want people to accept me. And they don't accept you when you're different- even if that different means living a good, clean, godly life.<br /><br />But what good is that? All I'm doing is hurting my own self!<br /><br />I made up my mind that, with the Lord's help, I would stop being so hard on myself. I would celebrate my victories instead of beating myself up for what is largely out of my control. And I would be gentle and loving- something I've yet to receive from my family. I believe I can do it! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.<br /><br /><br /><br />* For those who are spiritually inclined, I resisted going to yoga for years because too many yoga instructors I met were over-emphasizing the spiritual aspect (which often feels opposed to the Holy Spirit). This yoga instructor does not. She simply leads us through the poses and cautions us to mind our breathing and thought patterns. My intention for each "practice" as they call it is "to honor God through proper care of my body," and I'm very glad to have found her class because it's done wonders for my nerve problems and flexibility.SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-56967930463623203132011-02-19T19:48:00.000-08:002011-02-19T20:24:43.762-08:00Had An Adult Breakdown Today...But RecoveredI can't believe it. I actually had a meltdown today. In public. With my son, who had started a meltdown phase himself. We both made a scene. The good news is, I realized what was happening and removed us from public view quickly. I'm just so shocked and appalled at myself! But I'm glad we "recovered" quickly.<br /><br />The long version:<br /><br />My son and I were playing at the fountain today. He loves the fountain in our swanky new mall. We usually sit there for about 20-30 minutes while he splashes around. Free entertainment. <br /><br />Well, the weather was warm so there were a lot of people there today. That was problem number one. <br /><br />Both of us were overtired-were up too late last night. That was problem number two. <br /><br />But I had promised him the fountain and even though circumstances led to us being a couple hours later than I wanted (problem number 3) he insisted I hold to my promise <br /><br />I should have just driven us home. I felt like we were quickly approaching our respective edges and when road construction had me detour for over half an hour I was too through. Note to self: a disappointed toddler's tantrum at home is better than both of you having one in public. Next time you feel like you should go home... GO HOME... thus problem #4 is listening to a toddler rather than to my gut.<br /><br />There were lots of people around so I had to greatly restrict his splashing but we adjusted and had a good time. In fact, we had too good of a time because I eventually forgot that I was a) a grown woman and b) a senior manager in my new job and was soon running around the fountain like a toddler, playing with my son. It was lots of fun, and I don't really regret that but lots of people were there, including some in my organization and the raised eyebrows were probably not worth it. <br /><br />We had fun though. Sometimes my son and I get lost in each other and I just have to remember how it looks to other people!!*<br /><br />But THEN I saw Mr. Man. He and his buddies were looking at me, shaking their heads (my mind interpreted it as disgust and ascribed the thoughts "look at her making a fool of herself" even though IRL I have no clue what they were thinking...they could have been discussing the dinner they just had for all I know). I toned down my "playing" both because I was getting weird stares from other people and mostly because I really, really, wanted Mr. Man to come say hi. He's a bit of a gansta type, and it occurred to me that it was not "cool" for his girl to be acting that way. Not that I'm his girl anymore. Sigh. And I didn't care what anyone though of us til he showed up.<br /><br />My son was getting testy- talking back, being willfully disobedient, getting more and more belligerent about my splashing restrictions. Really he was tired and I should have took him home. But now that Mr. Man showed up, I was rooted to the spot and spent the next 5-7 minutes watching him out the corner of my eye, trying to be slick since I had sunglasses on. He stopped watching us and left. That was the straw that broke the camels back. <br /><br />He wasn't supposed to do that! He was supposed to walk over, apologize for breaking up with me, and scoop me up in his arms. My hurt, anger, and frustration came pouring out the next time my son said something rude to me and I lost it. The good news is, as soon as I started yelling at him, I realized I was overreacting and quickly removed us to a vending booth no longer being used. <br /><br />I made him sit down for a few minutes while I paced around, pretending to be on my cell phone, calming down. Then we made our way to the car. He was upset but I told him, look we are both acting mean. That means we are wound up and need to calm down. When we get like this, we need to go to our rooms and calm down because it's not nice for us to be like this around other people. If you are not calm by time we get home, you will go to your room and finish calming down. And if mommy is not calm, she will go to her room.<br /><br />We came home and both promptly fell asleep. I'm still stunned that I lost control like that today in public, but I'm at least glad I got us out of there before I could do something that might make my boss regret giving me this new job. Usually, when I feel myself losing control I hurry home so I can try and calm down before it happens. Or, if I still lose it, I'm at least at home in my private place.<br /><br />If any of my readers don't mind commenting... I'd love to hear how you know a meltdown is coming on and what you do to prevent/deal with it.<br /><br />** We're getting better about our public appearance though, with rules like "we can blow milk bubbles at home, and we can make IIIAA faces at home, but not out in public because other people will think we're weird."SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-44851348431182682302011-02-16T19:29:00.000-08:002011-02-16T19:50:58.761-08:00"Boundaries" Victories*note: non-aspies reading this will probably say, "that's WAY too much thought put into this," but someone with my flavor of aspie-thinking will totally get this!<br /><br />The other day I had a two small "boundaries" victories. By "boundaries" I mean the process of setting boundaries so that people do not take advantage of us or cause us to work so hard we burn out (like the phrase "use us up and wear us out").<br /><br />A new acquaintance called me in the middle of the night to check on (then vent about) her live-in boyfriend. Supposedly, he and Mr. Man (who disappeared on me a few weeks ago) went out drinking on her anniversary. She didn't realize me and Mr. Man were through, and wondered if I knew where her guy was. When I didn't, she proceeded to vent for about 25 minutes before I realized (this is the first victory): that the only reason she is keeping me out of bed is because I am letting her. Yes, she is hurting. I would be too. But there's no reason for me to lose sleep when I had a very important appointment the next day. If she was my best friend, it would be different. But I didn't know this girl. Let her call someone else or I might soon become her free therapist! I politely informed her I needed to go but that she was welcome to call back later (hoping in my heart I had the strength not to answer the phone when she did). That afternoon, her guy still hadn't come home and she had a series of bad events all morning. Which led to a barrage of text messages from her. <br /><br />My original reply to her latest catastrophe text said something like, "that stinks-I wish I wasn't tied up today, or I'd take you to XYZ and buy you a dessert to cheer you up."<br /><br />I was about to hit "send" when the Spirit nudged me.<br /><br />I took another look at that text.<br /><br />Nothing wrong with that, is there? After all, if *I* were hurting, and had a really bad day, I would love for one of my friends to take me out for dessert. Or have me over for a cry-fest. Or just spend time together.<br /><br />But this wasn't a friend.<br /><br />This is someone I met one day b/c her boyfriend started working w/my then boyfriend.<br /><br />This isn't even someone I even liked.<br /><br />But she reached out to me in the middle of the night hurting, and I felt bonded, obligated to help her. The way I would have wanted to be helped. <br /><br />But that's not real bonding. And if I had offered to take her out, even though I qualified that statement by saying I was tied up (which mean I would not actually be able to take her out- only that I would if I could), I then would have marked myself (in her mind) as someone who easily does favors.<br /><br />Someone who would take her out to an expensive dessert place even though we a) hardly knew each other and b) woke me up in the middle of the night-a great inconvenience by normal standards.<br /><br />Someone who can be easily convinced, pressured, manipulated to doing much more for her. See, this is how it starts. <br /><br />People can be nice to you, but when you do some little thing that exposes you as a potential target, it's like their "mean" gene turns on and they start looking for ways to take advantage of you I don't even know if they consciously do it, or if it just happens. You offer to do something nice for folks, the next thing you know they are pressuring you to give them money, guilt tripping you into driving them places, whatever it takes to make their lives easier at your expense. <br /><br />Most aspies I know aren't like this. I don't know if this is just an NT thing, or if my sample set is too small ;-)<br /><br />But the second boundaries victory came in deleting the part about taking her out and replacing it with sentence like "I sure hope you have some bubble bath or something nice you can do to make yourself feel better after the day you've had."<br /><br />It's not that I don't care. It's just that I've been down this road, and finally am learning not to open the door. I care for her and offer her as much encouragement as I can without getting personally involved. If she were, down the road, to become a friend or even a "close friend" then I would do more. But for someone whose last name I don't even know, I fell great that I just erected a proper boundary that someone like my sister would have learned to do subconsciously much earlier in life.SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8256678413800009806.post-77823206553112741832011-02-04T16:26:00.001-08:002011-02-04T16:27:25.347-08:00Do you think I was rude to this girl?On my first flight, I was comfortably seated in what I thought was my middle seat, when two guys came to the row, presumably to occupy the aisle and window seats. I excitedly moved over to the window so one could sit with his buddy. I love window seats! But soon the guy who REALLY owned the window seat came by and I discovered the guy I "gave up my seat" to was actually the rightful owner of that middle seat. Turned out my seat was a couple rows back (I was reading an old ticket stub).<br /><br />The new guy wanted his window seat. Not my middle seat in the back. He was very sweet about it. You could tell he was uncomfortable making me move but he really wanted his seat. I was ok because it was my fault, and if I were him, I would insist on my seat. Also I didn't want him to think I was one of THOSE people.*** <br /><br />On the return flight today, I had thought a little boy sitting next to his mom was sitting in my seat. Because I made the mistake on my flight out, I first checked my ticket before sitting down in what I thought was his window seat and exclaimed, "OH whoops, my seat is behind you. That's too bad because I sure would have taken that empty window seat." They laughed, which was cool.<br /><br />But the girl I was now sitting next to also laughed, because she was on the first flight and remembered me making the same mistake. I was laughing with her at first, because hey, it was funny and I am kinda loud, hard to miss. But then she turned critical and mean toward me, how dumb that is to make the same mistake twice. Like I was some feeble-minded old lady who she was patronizing. I'm not saying that's really how she felt. I'm saying that's how I felt, and I could have misinterpreted. I feel triggered when I think people are laughing with me and suddenly I realize they are laughing *at* me.<br /><br />I then ignored her for the rest of the flight. If she asked or said something to me (and it was obvious she was talking to me, not under her breath) I pretended I didn't hear and kept doing whatever I was doing. It wasn't til the end of the flight that I realized what she was trying to do. She was trying to apologize for her rudeness, in that weird way NTs apologize without really saying they're sorry. I actually <a href="http://savedaspie.blogspot.com/2009/04/indirect-apologies.html">wrote a blog post about this a while back, called "Indirect Apologies</a>, but sometimes I forget stuff I've learned.<br /><br /><br />My question to you all is, do you think I was too rude? How would you have handled her, if at all?<br /><br />- Paris<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />***You know THOSE people, don't you? Most of my jobs have required a lot of travel. I actually WORK with people who will move up and take other people's seats just because most times people won't challenge. Or they'll sit together up front as a couple (in two seats not theirs). When the first rightful owner comes up the one guy says, do you mind taking my seat so I can sit next to my friend. Usually the rightful owner, trying to be a nice guy, will say ok even though you can tell he's not happy. And they'll do the same thing to the next rightful owner. So they've effectively conned two people out of their up front seats.SavedAspiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08711812514826013534noreply@blogger.com5