I’ve done a lot of traveling over the last couple months, and one thing I have to say about the Lord is He is an AWESOME travel partner. When I listen to the Spirit, I am led in ways my natural intellect just can't fathom. The Lord helps me (when I'm obedient!) know when to keep my mouth shut (a lot!), what question to ask, how to wait so I can come up with the best response. And how to observe others in the meetings so I better pinpoint the buzzwords and "majority opinion" that would make my viewpoints more acceptable to them. The Lord has helped me do a good job (and get paid) during my travels, and to not only be courteous but enjoyable to those around me which has resulted in many travel perks.
Sure, normal people don't have to rehearse things in their head like some of us Aspies do. I could be upset about that, or I could praise God that He came into my life and is now leading me and guiding me.
I have another medium-length trip coming up. After that, I will hopefully get to post the blog notes I’ve written during my travels. I've got blog posts written in my journal on such great topics as face recognition, nonverbal communication, sound overload, and other goodies I observed while traveling. Stay tuned!
Showing posts with label aspergers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aspergers. Show all posts
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Why God Wants You To Take Care Of Yourself
I'm currently watching Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind. At one point she goes on a slight tangent about taking care of ourselves -and why we DON'T that really hit home with me:
WOW! Jesus came that we might have life and that more abundantly!!!
But, especially for those of us with social impairment, we have found that people only "liked" us when we were working hard to please them or make them look good or doing something for them. And so we run ourselves into the ground trying to prove our worth for other PEOPLE, instead of guarding ourselves, and protecting ourselves, so we have enough energy to be used by HIM.
If you are interested in watching her video or reading it's accompanying book, here's the links:
You only get one body… You can’t go somewhere and order another one…You destroy this one, you’re out!
God wants to work through you; and if you destroy your health and you destroy your body, then He can’t do anything through you either. So you’re cheating yourself, you’re cheating Him, you’re cheating the people around you that God wants to use you to bless.
I think a lot of people don’t take good care of themselves b/c they got a bad attitude toward themselves they don’t think they’re worthy of doing the things they need to do to take care of themselves properly.
Some of you think that all you’re good for is work, work, work, work, all the time you grew up in an atmosphere where the only time people were happy with you was when you were working and producing. And the devil’s got you convinced that to enjoy your life is carnal and a sin. READ John 10:10
WOW! Jesus came that we might have life and that more abundantly!!!
But, especially for those of us with social impairment, we have found that people only "liked" us when we were working hard to please them or make them look good or doing something for them. And so we run ourselves into the ground trying to prove our worth for other PEOPLE, instead of guarding ourselves, and protecting ourselves, so we have enough energy to be used by HIM.
If you are interested in watching her video or reading it's accompanying book, here's the links:
Thursday, December 31, 2009
So unique. So Alone.
I have learned how to be friendly, and maintain a social calendar that is limited ONLY by my own personal requirement for “quiet time.” I’ve cracked the code on making friends, having fun, living the life.
Or so it seems.
Because I’m really still alone.
It’s easy to have friends when you learn to suppress some of your behaviors. Don’t talk about XYZ with this group. Don’t stim around that group. Don’t frown around most people. Don’t this. Don’t that.
Don’t look at this lunch as a social, fun time for you: look at it as work; you’re networking with the people you work with so they will help you out on the job later when you need them. You’re not shopping with the ladies from church so you can get what you want, but rather, you are shopping with them because for some reason (you still don’t understand) this makes them like you and accept you. Each of these things carry a social dimension that you’re missing, and though you don’t know WHY it works, you know that your life is easier and people help you more when you do these things with the people from job, church, community.
Smile, make small talk, ask about their mothers. Find something to compliment a person you don’t know and make it a challenge: what percentage of strangers at this gathering can you get talking for more than 2 minutes? A social checklist runs in your head, governing every interaction, and reminding you that when you get home you must log the details of your conversation, so that you will remember to ask after so-and-so’s mother and query you-know-who about their sponge hobby next time you meet.
You don’t REALLY watch movies with friends because if they get to talking, you go into sensory overload and can’t process their conversations or the speech from the movie. If you get mad, they get frustrated. So you learn how to control the meltdowns that go along with sensory overload, and go to their house to "watch movies” knowing full well you’re not going to understand anything. You know you will slip out for an extended bathroom break, or go outside to “talk” on your cell phone. But somehow they like you better when you spend time with them, and besides, you can always watch the movie later, by yourself.
When you go shopping with your “friends” you know better than to try and REALLY shop. You want to do it your way, which never seems to be their way. No one else wants to circle the mall 3 times visiting 47 stores to save $2.46 on a specific sweater. No one else wants to try on every article in the store to see if it will fit/flatter you. They just grab and go, but you’re just then getting warmed up. So you smile, and look, but you don’t really shop. You enjoy having friends, but sometimes feel alone.
But at the end of your day, all alone in your room, you realize that you are still alone. And you can go shopping for yourself, and go to dinner with yourself, and watch the shows you want to watch. But there’s no one there to watch them with. Because the minute you want to start doing YOUR stuff YOUR way, those people that filled up your social calendar melt away. Your way is too intense, too demanding, too precise, too full of minutiae, too calculating, too MUCH.
You are so unique. Will you always be alone?
Or so it seems.
Because I’m really still alone.
It’s easy to have friends when you learn to suppress some of your behaviors. Don’t talk about XYZ with this group. Don’t stim around that group. Don’t frown around most people. Don’t this. Don’t that.
Don’t look at this lunch as a social, fun time for you: look at it as work; you’re networking with the people you work with so they will help you out on the job later when you need them. You’re not shopping with the ladies from church so you can get what you want, but rather, you are shopping with them because for some reason (you still don’t understand) this makes them like you and accept you. Each of these things carry a social dimension that you’re missing, and though you don’t know WHY it works, you know that your life is easier and people help you more when you do these things with the people from job, church, community.
Smile, make small talk, ask about their mothers. Find something to compliment a person you don’t know and make it a challenge: what percentage of strangers at this gathering can you get talking for more than 2 minutes? A social checklist runs in your head, governing every interaction, and reminding you that when you get home you must log the details of your conversation, so that you will remember to ask after so-and-so’s mother and query you-know-who about their sponge hobby next time you meet.
You don’t REALLY watch movies with friends because if they get to talking, you go into sensory overload and can’t process their conversations or the speech from the movie. If you get mad, they get frustrated. So you learn how to control the meltdowns that go along with sensory overload, and go to their house to "watch movies” knowing full well you’re not going to understand anything. You know you will slip out for an extended bathroom break, or go outside to “talk” on your cell phone. But somehow they like you better when you spend time with them, and besides, you can always watch the movie later, by yourself.
When you go shopping with your “friends” you know better than to try and REALLY shop. You want to do it your way, which never seems to be their way. No one else wants to circle the mall 3 times visiting 47 stores to save $2.46 on a specific sweater. No one else wants to try on every article in the store to see if it will fit/flatter you. They just grab and go, but you’re just then getting warmed up. So you smile, and look, but you don’t really shop. You enjoy having friends, but sometimes feel alone.
But at the end of your day, all alone in your room, you realize that you are still alone. And you can go shopping for yourself, and go to dinner with yourself, and watch the shows you want to watch. But there’s no one there to watch them with. Because the minute you want to start doing YOUR stuff YOUR way, those people that filled up your social calendar melt away. Your way is too intense, too demanding, too precise, too full of minutiae, too calculating, too MUCH.
You are so unique. Will you always be alone?
Fun, But Still Alone.
I wrote the post "So Unique. So Alone." after thinking about two aspie authors who have killed themselves. It happened a long time ago and I don’t remember who they were. A Google search didn’t help me locate info on either of them so if you know who I’m talking about, please send me details. One was a lady whose book really helped me understand about being an Aspie, and the other was a young man whose aspie friendship site really helped others. I discovered them a couple years ago, after just learning about AS myself. I was shocked that someone who appeared to crack the code on friendship and getting along in an NT world would commit suicide. They had it made, right?
But one day I was sitting in my apartment. Alone. I could go to church. But I would still be alone. I can go to work tomorrow and laugh, joke, even go to lunch with my coworkers. But I would still be alone. I could go home to visit family who loves me. But I would still be alone. I can go out to meet new people, by joining a new group or trying to get closer to people I know but haven’t really hung around, because I hope that by meeting lots and lots of people I’ll eventually find some like me. But I’ve only found 1 other person who is enough like me that I can totally be myself around her; and she’s now living on another continent, so most likely I would still be alone.
So I sat there, alone. And felt the most hopeless and forlorn I had felt in a long time. In spite of all my efforts to be friendly, fill up my social calendar, and the fact that I was actually succeeding at my highly interpersonal job, I felt like there was too much missing. Like I would never be able to connect with someone in a way that was fulfilling to ALL of me. The part of me that loves the Lord AND the part of me that loves science AND the part of me that loves food AND the part of me that loves long-distance running AND the part of me that loves being a blend of two ethnic cultures AND the part of me that doesn’t like TV AND the part of me that doesn’t like movie theaters AND the part of me that loves to watch movies at home AND the part of me that likes outdoor sports AND the part of me that loves watching football AND the part of me that hates sports bars.
It sounds dumb when you read it, because none of that SHOULD be enough to make you depressed, but I didn’t want to live. I didn’t want to keep trying. I didn’t want to keep playing the NT game. I didn’t want to have to always adjust myself. It wasn’t fair. Other people didn’t have to change, why should I??? But in that instant, I discovered how others could help 1000s of other Aspies, appear to have cracked the code on how to have the good life, and yet still take their life.
I decided to pick myself up, accept the reality that my life is just going to be more of a battle than other people’s lives seemed to be (which really isn’t true- we just feel that way), and make the best out of a bad situation. Maybe I couldn’t be completely myself around others, but at least I could have fun. And I do have fun. But I have yet to feel as if I "belong," so even in the midst of my fun, I'm still alone.
But one day I was sitting in my apartment. Alone. I could go to church. But I would still be alone. I can go to work tomorrow and laugh, joke, even go to lunch with my coworkers. But I would still be alone. I could go home to visit family who loves me. But I would still be alone. I can go out to meet new people, by joining a new group or trying to get closer to people I know but haven’t really hung around, because I hope that by meeting lots and lots of people I’ll eventually find some like me. But I’ve only found 1 other person who is enough like me that I can totally be myself around her; and she’s now living on another continent, so most likely I would still be alone.
So I sat there, alone. And felt the most hopeless and forlorn I had felt in a long time. In spite of all my efforts to be friendly, fill up my social calendar, and the fact that I was actually succeeding at my highly interpersonal job, I felt like there was too much missing. Like I would never be able to connect with someone in a way that was fulfilling to ALL of me. The part of me that loves the Lord AND the part of me that loves science AND the part of me that loves food AND the part of me that loves long-distance running AND the part of me that loves being a blend of two ethnic cultures AND the part of me that doesn’t like TV AND the part of me that doesn’t like movie theaters AND the part of me that loves to watch movies at home AND the part of me that likes outdoor sports AND the part of me that loves watching football AND the part of me that hates sports bars.
It sounds dumb when you read it, because none of that SHOULD be enough to make you depressed, but I didn’t want to live. I didn’t want to keep trying. I didn’t want to keep playing the NT game. I didn’t want to have to always adjust myself. It wasn’t fair. Other people didn’t have to change, why should I??? But in that instant, I discovered how others could help 1000s of other Aspies, appear to have cracked the code on how to have the good life, and yet still take their life.
I decided to pick myself up, accept the reality that my life is just going to be more of a battle than other people’s lives seemed to be (which really isn’t true- we just feel that way), and make the best out of a bad situation. Maybe I couldn’t be completely myself around others, but at least I could have fun. And I do have fun. But I have yet to feel as if I "belong," so even in the midst of my fun, I'm still alone.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Overcoming Depression, Part 2
Today's tip on overcoming depression comes from one of the daily "DivorceCare" devotionals I have been receiving.
Tip #2 Manage your expectations
Says Dr. Jim A. Talley "You expected somebody to do something. That person didn't do it, and you get mad. What makes you even madder is that person doesn't seem to give a rip that he or she didn't do it. Now you're really hurt, and you begin to boil on the inside. You shift at that point to real bitterness. You have to go back and reset your expectations to what you can control and deal with. You can't force other people into your expectations."
I was really down about myself- I had worked so hard to lose weight, only to put it all back on when my ex announced our marriage's demise. Then, I was so emotionally overloaded that I felt like I couldn't handle even the smallest stressors. And, to top it off, my friends (what few I have!) were keeping their distance, because they didn't know how to handle the situation.
Through the course, I learned that it's normal to be overwhelmed with a divorce, to have a rough time dealing with things and to respond by overeating (or undereating, if that's your stress-mechanism). I learned to be gentle with myself, and tell myself that it's *normal* to be emotional, *normal* to not be able to focus all day long, *normal* to be sad, and *normal* for others to withdraw from you (either because they don't know how to help, they feel uncomfortable, or they just don't like being around sad people). I told myself NOT to expect my usual star performance on the job, and not to expect that everything would be perfect around the house.
And, over time, it worked. I can go out with those few friends now and have a good time, without thinking about all the hurt I suffered in that marriage. I can focus on losing that weight, and my productivity on the job has returned to normal. I don't have the life I wanted or expected, but things are starting to go really well and my outlook on life has greatly improved.
So, if you're faced with a tough time, try re-evaluating your expectations, and see if there are areas where you can lighten up a little bit.
Tip #2 Manage your expectations
Says Dr. Jim A. Talley "You expected somebody to do something. That person didn't do it, and you get mad. What makes you even madder is that person doesn't seem to give a rip that he or she didn't do it. Now you're really hurt, and you begin to boil on the inside. You shift at that point to real bitterness. You have to go back and reset your expectations to what you can control and deal with. You can't force other people into your expectations."
I was really down about myself- I had worked so hard to lose weight, only to put it all back on when my ex announced our marriage's demise. Then, I was so emotionally overloaded that I felt like I couldn't handle even the smallest stressors. And, to top it off, my friends (what few I have!) were keeping their distance, because they didn't know how to handle the situation.
Through the course, I learned that it's normal to be overwhelmed with a divorce, to have a rough time dealing with things and to respond by overeating (or undereating, if that's your stress-mechanism). I learned to be gentle with myself, and tell myself that it's *normal* to be emotional, *normal* to not be able to focus all day long, *normal* to be sad, and *normal* for others to withdraw from you (either because they don't know how to help, they feel uncomfortable, or they just don't like being around sad people). I told myself NOT to expect my usual star performance on the job, and not to expect that everything would be perfect around the house.
And, over time, it worked. I can go out with those few friends now and have a good time, without thinking about all the hurt I suffered in that marriage. I can focus on losing that weight, and my productivity on the job has returned to normal. I don't have the life I wanted or expected, but things are starting to go really well and my outlook on life has greatly improved.
So, if you're faced with a tough time, try re-evaluating your expectations, and see if there are areas where you can lighten up a little bit.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Overcoming Depression, Part 1
Hello everyone... I've been gone for a bit between teaching and extensive traveling over the last two months.
I've also had some very low moments where any blog post would have been simply my cry for attention and external affirmation. The change in my family status really hit me hard, and I haven't been this depressed since college, many years ago.
I discovered a few neat "coping" techniques and I thought I'd share them with you over the next few weeks. I don't know of any specific place where I learned of these, but I"m sure I didn't come up with the ideas on my own. They may have come from the Spirit, or perhaps from things I read/learned/overheard but took so long to process that I forgot where the ideas originated.
The first tip is this:
Tell yourself you are happy.
The next time you feel down in the dumps, try remembering something that you have every right to feel good about, and then tell yourself over and over how happy you are about that one thing (even if everything else is going wrong).
If you don't have something that you feel good about, then maybe you can create such a memory by volunteering, accomplishing a task on your "gonna do one day" list, or tackling a concrete project around the house.
Sounds simplistic, but let me illustrate with a real life example:
I received some very good news a couple weeks ago. But, now facing the world as a single mom, I had been quite down in the dumps about my change in marital status. But this very good news should have set me on cloud nine because it is something I had worked 12 years for. I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. XYZ worked out, and now your life will be immensely better. I should have been celebrating, dancing in the streets. Then I decided to tell myself, "I AM happy. I AM so thankful to God that this worked out, and so HAPPY that I won't have to suffer like I expected to." Every time I had a few moments to myself to dwell on things, I kept telling myself over and over: "This is good news! I am SO happy about it! I am not in a 'happy mood' right now, but I'm going to choose to celebrate this good news and be happy about it. Things are falling into place as best as they possibly can, and I'm not going to mope about it. No, I'm going to be happy!"
Without realizing it, I talked myself into a good mood because the next day I was back to my old self, and a few days after that people began to comment about how happy I'd been.
Affirmations really work. Try it and let me know how it works out for you.
I've also had some very low moments where any blog post would have been simply my cry for attention and external affirmation. The change in my family status really hit me hard, and I haven't been this depressed since college, many years ago.
I discovered a few neat "coping" techniques and I thought I'd share them with you over the next few weeks. I don't know of any specific place where I learned of these, but I"m sure I didn't come up with the ideas on my own. They may have come from the Spirit, or perhaps from things I read/learned/overheard but took so long to process that I forgot where the ideas originated.
The first tip is this:
Tell yourself you are happy.
The next time you feel down in the dumps, try remembering something that you have every right to feel good about, and then tell yourself over and over how happy you are about that one thing (even if everything else is going wrong).
If you don't have something that you feel good about, then maybe you can create such a memory by volunteering, accomplishing a task on your "gonna do one day" list, or tackling a concrete project around the house.
Sounds simplistic, but let me illustrate with a real life example:
I received some very good news a couple weeks ago. But, now facing the world as a single mom, I had been quite down in the dumps about my change in marital status. But this very good news should have set me on cloud nine because it is something I had worked 12 years for. I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. XYZ worked out, and now your life will be immensely better. I should have been celebrating, dancing in the streets. Then I decided to tell myself, "I AM happy. I AM so thankful to God that this worked out, and so HAPPY that I won't have to suffer like I expected to." Every time I had a few moments to myself to dwell on things, I kept telling myself over and over: "This is good news! I am SO happy about it! I am not in a 'happy mood' right now, but I'm going to choose to celebrate this good news and be happy about it. Things are falling into place as best as they possibly can, and I'm not going to mope about it. No, I'm going to be happy!"
Without realizing it, I talked myself into a good mood because the next day I was back to my old self, and a few days after that people began to comment about how happy I'd been.
Affirmations really work. Try it and let me know how it works out for you.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Good Colleges for Aspies
In the article, "More Students With Asperger Syndrome Going to College," ABC news presents a brief discussion of colleges that show promise for young adults with Aspergers. Although a bit sensationalist (for examples phrases like, "As scores of autistic young adults enter universities for the first time", and "deal with the first generation of Asperger's students to hit campuses in large numbers"), the article touches on the main problems Aspie college students have: They can be too trusting, too honest, too easily overwhelmed by a large campus, and then too anxious or stressed to properly ask for help.
Those schools, some of which have AS/ASD specific programs and others which assist students through their disabilities office, include:
For more information, you might also visit:
Higher Education and Autism Spectrum Disorders
University of Connecticut Disabilities Office
Those schools, some of which have AS/ASD specific programs and others which assist students through their disabilities office, include:
- Marshall University
- University of Connecticut
- Marshall University Asperger's Program
- University of Connecticut School of Law
- Kelly Autism Program at Western Kentucky University
- Gersh Program at Daemon College, Buffalo, N.Y. York
- Georgia State University
For more information, you might also visit:
Higher Education and Autism Spectrum Disorders
University of Connecticut Disabilities Office
Monday, August 24, 2009
ESPN Surfing Wrong About Asperger's and Empathy
This just in from Ari Ne'eman, President of ASAN, as an example of how to address negative Aspie press:
From: Ari Ne'eman
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 2:53 PM
Subject: ESPN Surfing Gets it wrong about Asperger's and Empathy
To: espnsurfing@...
Dear ESPN Surfing:
In a recent article on the ESPN Surfing Blog, contributor Jon Coen applauded surfer Clay Marzo's recent win in the Quiksilver Pro Puerto Escondido, adding the following:
"What may have been most interesting is that he was adamant about dedicating his victory to Honolua Bay artist/surfer Ron Cassidy who died at Puerto last year. It's striking because if there was one thing we learned about Marzo in "JAW" and the string of press he got following it, was that his mind doesn't work socially the way ours works. Sure, the win is remarkable, but does this point to some growth in his character as well? Is he developing a sense of empathy uncommon in Asperger's patients?"
While we join Mr. Coen in applauding Clay Marzo's win, we'd like to express concern about the characterization of empathy as uncommon amongst adults and youth diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Autistic people face difficulty perceiving and expressing neurotypical social communication. This communication gap is often misunderstood as a lack of empathy on the part of Autistic people. It is understandable why Mr. Coen repeated this common stereotype, reflecting an outdated understanding of the autism spectrum still frequently cited in media and the medical literature. It has been only relatively recently that the medical community has begun to catch up to what Autistic adults already know - that there is a world of difference between the lack of empathy ascribed to us and the difficulty in communication that we actually experience (Rogers, Dziobek, Hassenstab, Wolf & Convit). However, it is nonetheless important that the record be corrected. This stereotype and similar mischaracterizations of the nature of the autism spectrum is the basis for much of the fear, stigma and prejudice faced by Autistic adults in society today. We encourage ESPN Surfing to correct the record by posting this letter and an accurate explanation of social communication issues faced by Autistic adults on its website.
Regards,
Ari Ne'eman
President
The Autistic Self Advocacy Network
http://www.autisticadvocacy.org
732.763.5530
From: Ari Ne'eman
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 2:53 PM
Subject: ESPN Surfing Gets it wrong about Asperger's and Empathy
To: espnsurfing@...
Dear ESPN Surfing:
In a recent article on the ESPN Surfing Blog, contributor Jon Coen applauded surfer Clay Marzo's recent win in the Quiksilver Pro Puerto Escondido, adding the following:
"What may have been most interesting is that he was adamant about dedicating his victory to Honolua Bay artist/surfer Ron Cassidy who died at Puerto last year. It's striking because if there was one thing we learned about Marzo in "JAW" and the string of press he got following it, was that his mind doesn't work socially the way ours works. Sure, the win is remarkable, but does this point to some growth in his character as well? Is he developing a sense of empathy uncommon in Asperger's patients?"
While we join Mr. Coen in applauding Clay Marzo's win, we'd like to express concern about the characterization of empathy as uncommon amongst adults and youth diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Autistic people face difficulty perceiving and expressing neurotypical social communication. This communication gap is often misunderstood as a lack of empathy on the part of Autistic people. It is understandable why Mr. Coen repeated this common stereotype, reflecting an outdated understanding of the autism spectrum still frequently cited in media and the medical literature. It has been only relatively recently that the medical community has begun to catch up to what Autistic adults already know - that there is a world of difference between the lack of empathy ascribed to us and the difficulty in communication that we actually experience (Rogers, Dziobek, Hassenstab, Wolf & Convit). However, it is nonetheless important that the record be corrected. This stereotype and similar mischaracterizations of the nature of the autism spectrum is the basis for much of the fear, stigma and prejudice faced by Autistic adults in society today. We encourage ESPN Surfing to correct the record by posting this letter and an accurate explanation of social communication issues faced by Autistic adults on its website.
Regards,
Ari Ne'eman
President
The Autistic Self Advocacy Network
http://www.autisticadvocacy.org
732.763.5530
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Kissing My Baby's Face Off (Guilt and Envy)
In today's video blog, Dr Laura answers a question from a lady who was criticized for kissing her baby too much in public.
I'll be the first to admit I don't like the way Dr. Laura treats most of her radio-show callers, but I really liked this entry. She said in this case it was most likely that the criticism came because of guilt and envy.
I think that applies a lot to all situations, not just the baby kissing.
When people criticize us, why are they doing it?
Do they really have our best interest at heart and are trying to help us?
I think this is rare.
Or (more likely)
Are they guilty they didn't put as much effort into their lives?
Are they envious because we have something they don't?
Are they envious because we are providing something to others (but not them)?
Are they envious of some skill, intelligence, even the Aspie ability to not really "care" about social norms and fashions (and yes, this CAN be a gift)?
I still don't know why people go out of their way to criticize my weight, but 3 years ago someone sat me down and explained to me that most of the criticism I receive is REALLY is out of jealousy. It really helped me to feel better about myself and carry myself with confidence, knowing that I'm not "bad" but that the other person is just envious. I suspect NTs probably pick up on this, but if you have an Aspie relative who seems to be the brunt of outside criticism, you might want to share these questions and get them thinking.
I'll be the first to admit I don't like the way Dr. Laura treats most of her radio-show callers, but I really liked this entry. She said in this case it was most likely that the criticism came because of guilt and envy.
I think that applies a lot to all situations, not just the baby kissing.
When people criticize us, why are they doing it?
Do they really have our best interest at heart and are trying to help us?
I think this is rare.
Or (more likely)
Are they guilty they didn't put as much effort into their lives?
Are they envious because we have something they don't?
Are they envious because we are providing something to others (but not them)?
Are they envious of some skill, intelligence, even the Aspie ability to not really "care" about social norms and fashions (and yes, this CAN be a gift)?
I still don't know why people go out of their way to criticize my weight, but 3 years ago someone sat me down and explained to me that most of the criticism I receive is REALLY is out of jealousy. It really helped me to feel better about myself and carry myself with confidence, knowing that I'm not "bad" but that the other person is just envious. I suspect NTs probably pick up on this, but if you have an Aspie relative who seems to be the brunt of outside criticism, you might want to share these questions and get them thinking.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sure, It Gives Your Life Meaning, But it DOES NOT Pay the Bills
This is what I just told myself after spending an hour or so reading and responding to emails, blog comments, and facebook. Inner conversation went like this:
Interacting with my Aspie friends out there gives my life meaning- I love the connections I've made, and it puts a perspective to my life (making the sorrows seem less threatening and giving me opportunities to share my joyous moments). The feelings of belonging are so addictive, that I am tempted to spend more than just my lunch period home working on it. But if I do that too often, my production at work will fall off. And eventually, while they can't fire me, they'll find someone more productive to give all the juicy, lucrative assignments. And then I won't be able to maintain my lifestyle and pay my bills.
So, if you're like me, wasting time on the computer that should be better put to use whether it's performing at your job, taking care of the house, "loving on" your kids, or spending quality time with the Lord, STOP RIGHT NOW and GO DO IT for at least ten minutes.
Then come back and comment on my blog LOL!!!
Oh my goodness, I can't believe I spent an hour on this! I was supposed to do the find the budget worksheet and get back to work.
Well, there's no harm in losing an hour- these people {the people I was responding to} give my life meaning, make me feel better about myself, and let me know I'm making a difference.
Sure, it gives your life meaning, but that DOES NOT pay the bills!!
Interacting with my Aspie friends out there gives my life meaning- I love the connections I've made, and it puts a perspective to my life (making the sorrows seem less threatening and giving me opportunities to share my joyous moments). The feelings of belonging are so addictive, that I am tempted to spend more than just my lunch period home working on it. But if I do that too often, my production at work will fall off. And eventually, while they can't fire me, they'll find someone more productive to give all the juicy, lucrative assignments. And then I won't be able to maintain my lifestyle and pay my bills.
So, if you're like me, wasting time on the computer that should be better put to use whether it's performing at your job, taking care of the house, "loving on" your kids, or spending quality time with the Lord, STOP RIGHT NOW and GO DO IT for at least ten minutes.
Then come back and comment on my blog LOL!!!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Fat, Dumb, and Happy
The phrase, "Fat, Dumb, and Happy" is stuck in my mind because I've been wondering what life would be like if I never realized I was "different."
There was a time, back in high school, when I was blissfully unaware of my differences. Sure, I didn't have a lot of friends, but that's because I was focused on grades to get free college ride. And I was a nerd. Lack of friendship was expected. But when I went to college, my eyes were opened. I saw that others -even nerds- experienced a depth in relationships I had never known. I saw that people treat me worse when I presented myself as "me," and learned how to project a confidence I don't really feel. I lost about 60 pounds, became part of the "normal weight club" and discovered just how horribly others thought of "fatties" LIKE ME. Even now I can hardly purchase groceries without worrying over whether people are judging me for what I throw in the basket, for I've regained a few of those pounds.
I know I should be thankful. These revelations have allowed me to ascend to a higher professional status than I deserve. To make more money than I deserve. To be more than the Goodwill Janitor prescribed by my psych eval no offense to my Goodwill brethren intended- I'm just saying I should be where you are, but praise God, am able to hold a better job. I also have more social interaction, participate in networking events, and are routinely invited to events with coworkers (though none are as fulfilling as my friendships with a handful of other intense Aspies).
But on the other hand, my days are shadowed by a growing dislike of my natural self and seething anger of the injustice of having to conform. Before I knew I was different, I was happy. Happy with who I was and what I could accomplish.
What if I still believed that everyone else out there processes information like I do, or that they all have the same level of social interaction as I do. To not know how they belittle me when my weight creeps up. To not know how they make fun of my strange behaviors (before I learned to control and hide them). I wonder what it would be like to go back to not caring what anyone thinks of me. And one day, when I secure my retirement, and buy my house in the middle of nowhere, I intend to do just that. But it won't be the same for me.
It takes every ounce of energy I have to put up the proper front during the day, leaving me collapsed in a heap at the end of the day, with little time or energy for the things that truly give me joy. Why do I continue? Because I want to keep my job til I can retire, and I want people to take good care of my son while he's under my care. Those two goals inflict a requirement to get along with others, play "the game," be mindful of what they think about my appearance, behavior, life, etc. I tell myself it will be worth it 10 years from now when I have a "check for life" coming in and my son is a confident, productive member of society. I also tell myself that one day I will accept myself for who I am, embrace the good and the bad, and stop holding myself to someone else's standards of who I should be.
But until then, I'll sludge along and try not to look back wistfully at the days when I was "Fat, Dumb, and Happy."
There was a time, back in high school, when I was blissfully unaware of my differences. Sure, I didn't have a lot of friends, but that's because I was focused on grades to get free college ride. And I was a nerd. Lack of friendship was expected. But when I went to college, my eyes were opened. I saw that others -even nerds- experienced a depth in relationships I had never known. I saw that people treat me worse when I presented myself as "me," and learned how to project a confidence I don't really feel. I lost about 60 pounds, became part of the "normal weight club" and discovered just how horribly others thought of "fatties" LIKE ME. Even now I can hardly purchase groceries without worrying over whether people are judging me for what I throw in the basket, for I've regained a few of those pounds.
I know I should be thankful. These revelations have allowed me to ascend to a higher professional status than I deserve. To make more money than I deserve. To be more than the Goodwill Janitor prescribed by my psych eval no offense to my Goodwill brethren intended- I'm just saying I should be where you are, but praise God, am able to hold a better job. I also have more social interaction, participate in networking events, and are routinely invited to events with coworkers (though none are as fulfilling as my friendships with a handful of other intense Aspies).
But on the other hand, my days are shadowed by a growing dislike of my natural self and seething anger of the injustice of having to conform. Before I knew I was different, I was happy. Happy with who I was and what I could accomplish.
What if I still believed that everyone else out there processes information like I do, or that they all have the same level of social interaction as I do. To not know how they belittle me when my weight creeps up. To not know how they make fun of my strange behaviors (before I learned to control and hide them). I wonder what it would be like to go back to not caring what anyone thinks of me. And one day, when I secure my retirement, and buy my house in the middle of nowhere, I intend to do just that. But it won't be the same for me.
It takes every ounce of energy I have to put up the proper front during the day, leaving me collapsed in a heap at the end of the day, with little time or energy for the things that truly give me joy. Why do I continue? Because I want to keep my job til I can retire, and I want people to take good care of my son while he's under my care. Those two goals inflict a requirement to get along with others, play "the game," be mindful of what they think about my appearance, behavior, life, etc. I tell myself it will be worth it 10 years from now when I have a "check for life" coming in and my son is a confident, productive member of society. I also tell myself that one day I will accept myself for who I am, embrace the good and the bad, and stop holding myself to someone else's standards of who I should be.
But until then, I'll sludge along and try not to look back wistfully at the days when I was "Fat, Dumb, and Happy."
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
If Your Friends are Just Using You, They're Not Really Friends
Tonight I posted a response to someone whose "friends" didn't seem to really care about xem. While the message board itself is anonymous, so I won't post the original message or details, I thought my response might help some of my fellow Aspies and autistic children of my NT readers. Here it is:
Hi XXXXXX,
You are not alone.
Unfortunately, I don't have the answer for you, but I can tell you a little about my experience... warning, this is very long...
It was heartbreaking for me to realize, toward the end of my senior year of college, that my friendships were shallow and one-sided. Every once in a blue moon I'd find someone who just liked hanging around me- watching the same things I watch, going to bookstores, going hiking, but for the most part my "friends" had specific agendas:
Even though it's in my nature to want to help everyone and do things for people, I try really hard to resist now. People that are just using others do not care about the people they are using. In fact, I've worked with a lot of people that think those of us who are willing to help were put here to be taken advantage of. Basically, they subscribe to the belief that some people were made to be used, and it's ok to take advantage of someone if they deserve it. Of course I don't believe this, myself, but since I know most of my coworkers do I try to keep myself from doing things for them so I don't establish a cycle of being used.
After realizing most of my friendships were not really friendships at all, I made a concerted effort to minimize my involvement with those who are only out to use me. So I saw that someone didn't really care for me (because they never wanted to do what I want, and when we did stuff I always gave, never received, or they never cared how I was, only about themselves), I stopped doing things for them and I stop talking to them. Not completely, but mostly. It hurt to lose my friends. But they weren't really friends. And the funny thing is, I opened myself up to finding new friends (at church, the bookstore) now that I wasn't wasting all my time trying to please people who didn't really care about me.
Nowadays, when I meet someone, I am very careful not to do things for them or to tell too many of my stories. It's hard because I always want to help. Early on, I let others to talk more about themselves because the more you let others talk, the more they will enjoy being around you. But I keep an eye out for clues that this friendship will be one-sided, abusive, or just plain depressing, and if so, then I minimize my time spent with that person.
Some main results of this are:
Wow, that's longer than usual but I hope you are encouraged to know you are not alone and that you DON'T have to SETTLE for poor quality relationships. We still have to work with (and sometimes live with) people who are not good for us, but we don't have to spend our free time being hurt and ignored. It takes time to attract quality people into your life, but the first step is valuing yourself enough to put aside the people who are causing you pain.
Hi XXXXXX,
You are not alone.
Unfortunately, I don't have the answer for you, but I can tell you a little about my experience... warning, this is very long...
It was heartbreaking for me to realize, toward the end of my senior year of college, that my friendships were shallow and one-sided. Every once in a blue moon I'd find someone who just liked hanging around me- watching the same things I watch, going to bookstores, going hiking, but for the most part my "friends" had specific agendas:
- They didn't have anyone else to hang around with at the moment
- If they wanted to talk and whine about their problems and all their other friends were tired of listening to it
- They wanted to use me/take advantage of me
In school I was one of few students who had a car, so I would get offers to go places if I drove. I often got "friends" who needed help on their homework (I was an honor roll student) and "liked me" long enough to get the homework or project done. Sometimes the Christian and Mormon girls would need a "chaperone" and invite me to tag along with them hiking with a guy.
Even though it's in my nature to want to help everyone and do things for people, I try really hard to resist now. People that are just using others do not care about the people they are using. In fact, I've worked with a lot of people that think those of us who are willing to help were put here to be taken advantage of. Basically, they subscribe to the belief that some people were made to be used, and it's ok to take advantage of someone if they deserve it. Of course I don't believe this, myself, but since I know most of my coworkers do I try to keep myself from doing things for them so I don't establish a cycle of being used.
After realizing most of my friendships were not really friendships at all, I made a concerted effort to minimize my involvement with those who are only out to use me. So I saw that someone didn't really care for me (because they never wanted to do what I want, and when we did stuff I always gave, never received, or they never cared how I was, only about themselves), I stopped doing things for them and I stop talking to them. Not completely, but mostly. It hurt to lose my friends. But they weren't really friends. And the funny thing is, I opened myself up to finding new friends (at church, the bookstore) now that I wasn't wasting all my time trying to please people who didn't really care about me.
Nowadays, when I meet someone, I am very careful not to do things for them or to tell too many of my stories. It's hard because I always want to help. Early on, I let others to talk more about themselves because the more you let others talk, the more they will enjoy being around you. But I keep an eye out for clues that this friendship will be one-sided, abusive, or just plain depressing, and if so, then I minimize my time spent with that person.
Some main results of this are:
- (good result) I feel much better about myself. I don't feel like a doormat anymore. Sometimes I will accommodate someone who is just trying to use me, but usually only if it's in line with my own personal goals to do so.
- (good result) I have a lower percentage of "superficial friendships." When I stopped letting people use me all the time, they moved on to other targets, er, I mean, more accommodating people. And it seems like when I started treating myself better by getting rid of people who were toxic for me, I started attracting better people into my life. Not MORE people, but BETTER people.
- (sometimes depressing result) of course, that unfortunately means I have less friends overall. I go more places by myself and do more things by myself. I'm not completely happy about that, but now when I do go out with people, I have more meaningful interaction so when I get down about being alone more than I like, I tell myself "choose quality over quantity."
- (really caught me by surprise) Finally, I want to note a side-effect of this change in my life is that, over time, I stopped really trusting people who come in to my life.
meetings notwithstanding, I find if someone new is really friendly to me, or really seems interested in me, I get wary and start looking for "what do they want? what are they trying to butter me up for? what are they trying to get out of me?" 99% of the time they are, indeed, trying to take advantage of me. But I try to keep an open mind because every so often someone comes along who is just happy to meet someone like me (who is just like them).
- I, like most Aspies, have the problem of driving away "quality people" by expecting them to be like us. They're not. Even another Aspie isn’t going to be just like me. We can't always gauge someone's friendship potential by what we want or by whether or not our needs are always met because we may have unique needs other people are unable to meet. For example, I am a very "intense" person. Most people are not as intense, and will never be able to satisfy my need for that "intensity" in friendships. For example, I'm sure you couldn't tell by the length of this post, LOL, but I love long detailed descriptions. Most people (especially NTs) like to keep emails and posts to one or two paragraphs at most, and get overwhelmed when I send something this long. I can't allow myself to feel like they don't care about me if I write them a book and they just send one or two lines back. MOST people send short emails. That's NORMAL. They don't LIKE long emails. So I have to accept that. I have a few friends who like to write the way I do, and I always have to encourage them to ramble on and express themselves, otherwise they have been so conditioned by everyone else that they will automatically shorten what they say to me. I can't judge others by my own personal conduct because my conduct is not "normal."
- Many people are, as XXXXXXXXX2 mentioned, narcissistic and only friends with us to feed their own egos and meet their own goals. It's good to stay away from those folks (because they drain us, and make us depressed) but we need to be honest with ourselves and realize that most of us are a little like that- we want friends that like US, make US feel good about ourselves, listen to US, and are interested in US. Since I know this is true for me, I don't cut off interaction with everyone who is just out for themselves, but I keep my expectations realistic. For example, a coworker often arranges events (dinners, trips, museums, etc). She has the personality that always finds special deals and gets people to make special concessions for her. We have spent a good portion of free time together, but I have no false expectations that she cares deeply about me. She simply does not like to be alone, and since I'm adventurous but unable to come up with the cool events she does, the "relationship" works for both of us.
Wow, that's longer than usual but I hope you are encouraged to know you are not alone and that you DON'T have to SETTLE for poor quality relationships. We still have to work with (and sometimes live with) people who are not good for us, but we don't have to spend our free time being hurt and ignored. It takes time to attract quality people into your life, but the first step is valuing yourself enough to put aside the people who are causing you pain.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
75 of Us
I am enjoying this new blog thing, but was having trouble finding other autism blogs. I did some searches on autism, and searched for people on blogger whose profiles reflected an interest in autism. But most of those were parents. I was looking for Aspies or Auties themselves. Not their NT parents. Well, I searched on "Neurodiversity" and guess what?
There are 75 bloggers (on blogger) whose profiles include the word "Neurodiversity" in their interests. I love it when the numbers work out to "even groupings" of 5 like that. ;-)
Unfortunately, I've only visited 10 so far, and most have blogspot (not blogger), so I'm at a loss as to how to get their blogs in my "blogs I follow" list so I can easily see all the recent posts. No matter. I am sure I will enjoy working my way down the list as time progresses.
Just thought you'd like to know, in case you, too, are having trouble locating blogs writen by "us."
There are 75 bloggers (on blogger) whose profiles include the word "Neurodiversity" in their interests. I love it when the numbers work out to "even groupings" of 5 like that. ;-)
Unfortunately, I've only visited 10 so far, and most have blogspot (not blogger), so I'm at a loss as to how to get their blogs in my "blogs I follow" list so I can easily see all the recent posts. No matter. I am sure I will enjoy working my way down the list as time progresses.
Just thought you'd like to know, in case you, too, are having trouble locating blogs writen by "us."
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