Fitting In/Being Shy- Advice For Overcoming

A friend sent me this advice presented (on a public dating forum- click HERE for original post) to someone who is shy and having trouble making friends because she's way more cerebral than most kids. I thought it might help fellow Aspies (whether or not you're dating). Please note, the website this came from is not Christian and you will find a LOT of expletives and rather graphic stuff. But not in this particular shyness post:

if you really want to "fit in" and have more friends, I think you need to try and tap into the energy of your peers a little more. You operate at a completely different level to what they do. Your thought processes are much more complex, so in order to relate and affiliate with them you need to bring yourself back. If it is really what you want then emulate those that you would like to become friends with, while adding a touch of the sophisticated you. As you penetrate a friendship group they will be more accepting of your eccentricities.

My advice however is to be yourself and don't put so much value on having loads of friends. I have had the copious amount of friends thing and find it can be extremely draining of time and energy. I too love to have "me" time and with too many friends that consider you too be one of their "bestees" (my daughters terminology) then it becomes almost impossible to keep everyone happy as you spread your time among many.

How to develop confidence and get on with any complete stranger: Use their name in the conversation; comment on something unusual they are wearing (or appealing facial features etc) or that you know they are passionate about (ie., sport, music, cars, dancing, hair, make-up, fashion etc), allow them to lead the conversation and throw in paraphrasing and jokes that you know will appeal to their level of maturity. With experience and maturity comes confidence Chelse........... but also know, trying too hard can come across as nerdy Grin I hope that might have helped a little. Wink

2,363 Emails in my In-Box

I've been avoiding email all week. Most of it is spam- Viagra ads or Super RX. Or scam schemes, or invitations to porn.

I was going to clean it out today, until I saw the total number: 2,363 items in my in-box.

I know there's a few "real emails" in there. After all, I'm webmaster for several sites, including MarylandAutism.org, so I get service requests and such.

But I bet you this: out of all those emails, I'll bet not one is asking how my day went, or am I ok. I'm sure not one of them is anything personal or expressing any caring.

I've had a rough week. I received some bad news over the weekend, and all week I've been down. Up til yesterday, I did a good job of keeping a stiff upper lip on my job, but I know I've appeared down at church or with my (few) friends.

Problem is, most of my friends are like me- all business. Don't handle emotions well. Care, but don't know how to really help, and too uncomfortable to listen to anyone's pain for too long because there's nothing I can do about it.

And I want to whine, but who cares about my minor issues when one friend just got diagnosed w/cancer. Another's mother is dying, and another's marriage is falling apart.

I'm so glad that the Lord loves us. If I didn't have His love right now, I doubt I'd be sane. And I can at least be thankful that He is using this experience to show me what kind of friend *I* need to learn how to be... the kind of friend I wish I had right now.

Why God Wants You To Take Care Of Yourself

I'm currently watching Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind. At one point she goes on a slight tangent about taking care of ourselves -and why we DON'T that really hit home with me:

You only get one body… You can’t go somewhere and order another one…You destroy this one, you’re out!

God wants to work through you; and if you destroy your health and you destroy your body, then He can’t do anything through you either. So you’re cheating yourself, you’re cheating Him, you’re cheating the people around you that God wants to use you to bless.

I think a lot of people don’t take good care of themselves b/c they got a bad attitude toward themselves they don’t think they’re worthy of doing the things they need to do to take care of themselves properly.

Some of you think that all you’re good for is work, work, work, work, all the time you grew up in an atmosphere where the only time people were happy with you was when you were working and producing. And the devil’s got you convinced that to enjoy your life is carnal and a sin. READ John 10:10

WOW! Jesus came that we might have life and that more abundantly!!!

But, especially for those of us with social impairment, we have found that people only "liked" us when we were working hard to please them or make them look good or doing something for them. And so we run ourselves into the ground trying to prove our worth for other PEOPLE, instead of guarding ourselves, and protecting ourselves, so we have enough energy to be used by HIM.

If you are interested in watching her video or reading it's accompanying book, here's the links:

So unique. So Alone.

I have learned how to be friendly, and maintain a social calendar that is limited ONLY by my own personal requirement for “quiet time.” I’ve cracked the code on making friends, having fun, living the life.

Or so it seems.

Because I’m really still alone.

It’s easy to have friends when you learn to suppress some of your behaviors. Don’t talk about XYZ with this group. Don’t stim around that group. Don’t frown around most people. Don’t this. Don’t that.

Don’t look at this lunch as a social, fun time for you: look at it as work; you’re networking with the people you work with so they will help you out on the job later when you need them. You’re not shopping with the ladies from church so you can get what you want, but rather, you are shopping with them because for some reason (you still don’t understand) this makes them like you and accept you. Each of these things carry a social dimension that you’re missing, and though you don’t know WHY it works, you know that your life is easier and people help you more when you do these things with the people from job, church, community.

Smile, make small talk, ask about their mothers. Find something to compliment a person you don’t know and make it a challenge: what percentage of strangers at this gathering can you get talking for more than 2 minutes? A social checklist runs in your head, governing every interaction, and reminding you that when you get home you must log the details of your conversation, so that you will remember to ask after so-and-so’s mother and query you-know-who about their sponge hobby next time you meet.

You don’t REALLY watch movies with friends because if they get to talking, you go into sensory overload and can’t process their conversations or the speech from the movie. If you get mad, they get frustrated. So you learn how to control the meltdowns that go along with sensory overload, and go to their house to "watch movies” knowing full well you’re not going to understand anything. You know you will slip out for an extended bathroom break, or go outside to “talk” on your cell phone. But somehow they like you better when you spend time with them, and besides, you can always watch the movie later, by yourself.

When you go shopping with your “friends” you know better than to try and REALLY shop. You want to do it your way, which never seems to be their way. No one else wants to circle the mall 3 times visiting 47 stores to save $2.46 on a specific sweater. No one else wants to try on every article in the store to see if it will fit/flatter you. They just grab and go, but you’re just then getting warmed up. So you smile, and look, but you don’t really shop. You enjoy having friends, but sometimes feel alone.

But at the end of your day, all alone in your room, you realize that you are still alone. And you can go shopping for yourself, and go to dinner with yourself, and watch the shows you want to watch. But there’s no one there to watch them with. Because the minute you want to start doing YOUR stuff YOUR way, those people that filled up your social calendar melt away. Your way is too intense, too demanding, too precise, too full of minutiae, too calculating, too MUCH.

You are so unique. Will you always be alone?

Fun, But Still Alone.

I wrote the post "So Unique. So Alone." after thinking about two aspie authors who have killed themselves. It happened a long time ago and I don’t remember who they were. A Google search didn’t help me locate info on either of them so if you know who I’m talking about, please send me details. One was a lady whose book really helped me understand about being an Aspie, and the other was a young man whose aspie friendship site really helped others. I discovered them a couple years ago, after just learning about AS myself. I was shocked that someone who appeared to crack the code on friendship and getting along in an NT world would commit suicide. They had it made, right?

But one day I was sitting in my apartment. Alone. I could go to church. But I would still be alone. I can go to work tomorrow and laugh, joke, even go to lunch with my coworkers. But I would still be alone. I could go home to visit family who loves me. But I would still be alone. I can go out to meet new people, by joining a new group or trying to get closer to people I know but haven’t really hung around, because I hope that by meeting lots and lots of people I’ll eventually find some like me. But I’ve only found 1 other person who is enough like me that I can totally be myself around her; and she’s now living on another continent, so most likely I would still be alone.

So I sat there, alone. And felt the most hopeless and forlorn I had felt in a long time. In spite of all my efforts to be friendly, fill up my social calendar, and the fact that I was actually succeeding at my highly interpersonal job, I felt like there was too much missing. Like I would never be able to connect with someone in a way that was fulfilling to ALL of me. The part of me that loves the Lord AND the part of me that loves science AND the part of me that loves food AND the part of me that loves long-distance running AND the part of me that loves being a blend of two ethnic cultures AND the part of me that doesn’t like TV AND the part of me that doesn’t like movie theaters AND the part of me that loves to watch movies at home AND the part of me that likes outdoor sports AND the part of me that loves watching football AND the part of me that hates sports bars.

It sounds dumb when you read it, because none of that SHOULD be enough to make you depressed, but I didn’t want to live. I didn’t want to keep trying. I didn’t want to keep playing the NT game. I didn’t want to have to always adjust myself. It wasn’t fair. Other people didn’t have to change, why should I??? But in that instant, I discovered how others could help 1000s of other Aspies, appear to have cracked the code on how to have the good life, and yet still take their life.

I decided to pick myself up, accept the reality that my life is just going to be more of a battle than other people’s lives seemed to be (which really isn’t true- we just feel that way), and make the best out of a bad situation. Maybe I couldn’t be completely myself around others, but at least I could have fun. And I do have fun. But I have yet to feel as if I "belong," so even in the midst of my fun, I'm still alone.

How To Lose A Friendship Before It Starts

Let me share with you an excerpt from my list of “No-Nos,” things I used to do that kept me from making friends with "quality" people. I've come a long way in my behavior over the last 10-12 years, so I don't mind sharing. Maybe you'll recognize yourself or someone you know in some parts of this list.

First, I'd like to mention we need to be careful of calling people "friends." I often used to consider people my friends then they were actually just being polite. Because I would never invite someone to join me if I didn't want them there, it's hard to for me to remember that people often act like they want us around when they don't. They're just being polite. We're supposed to pick up on the subtle hints and conveniently come up with other plans. Subtle hints are hard for most Aspies to catch, but I'm getting better and I'm sure you will too.

We have to remember that people won't generally tell us if these things are a problem. They will just avoid us in public and conveniently forget about us when doing things as a group, even if they like our personality and have no problem hanging out with us one-on-one in private. It is more important to MOST people to fit in than to nurture our friendship if our friendship threatens their ability to fit in with the group.

• Dominating the conversation, turning every conversation to be something about ourselves or our special interest. Even when talking about "them" somehow our comments always insert *us* and our accomplishments. We think we are building a bridge by sharing what we have in common. Others take it as bragging, narcissism, or dominating the conversation. I still have to watch out for this.
  
• Digging in eyes, ears, scratching scalp, or picking nails in public. Especially for women- you are not supposed to touch your face a lot, unless it is with a napkin or to push up glasses, etc. Good thing my mom taught me not to pick my nose, or I probably would have done that too.
  
• Poor grooming- look disheveled, strong body scent (according to their standards), hair not done (according to their standards), visible dirt on body, clothes rumpled or dirty (remember, they don't have tactile issues and don't understand why we always want to wear that same soft outfit all the time), also, if the group is fashionable (clothing, style) and you're not- the members of the group are less likely to invite you along, even if they like hanging around with you one-on-one (in private)
  
• Talking too loud in public
  
• Lack of "discretion," talking about things that are not "socially acceptable" As an example: in the airport one day, an aspie friend and I were talking about her upbringing. She explained childhood physical and sexual abuse in explicit detail, and was quite loud and agitated. I noticed that other passengers were getting uncomfortable with our conversation and directed it to something less distressing for those who overheard us. I consider this a victory, because 10 years ago I wouldn't have noticed their discomfort, and even if I had, I would have thought tough- that’s their problem and been happy to shake them out of their idyllic fake reality! I wouldn't have realized that extreme abuse isn't the kind of thing you talk about loudly in the airport waiting room.
  
• Always dropping stuff because of carrying too much or too unorganized; always fumbling to find keys wallet, etc
  
• Always tripping, falling, stumbling, etc. This is tough to overcome because many Aspies have spatial/clumsiness problems.
  
• Always causing "trouble" by too many special requests at the restaurant, or by asking too many questions when someone "hooks up" your group with a special deal (I always did this, because I was scared I was getting conned or they were going to charge me later)
  
• Being too critical of others (because we're so perfect, this is easy to do, LOL)
  
• Acting "weird," which is admittedly hard to quantify but basically most people don't like to stand out. And they don't want to be in a group with someone who sticks out like a sore thumb. Sometimes I have to be "true to myself" and stand out, but I have to accept the consequence that the people I'm with will be less likely to invite me along next time.

Like I said, most NTs won’t come out and tell you these things. And a lot of Aspies won’t either, because in most of the Aspie groups I’ve attended, much of the above doesn’t bother anyone. I guess we all carry too much stuff, and we’re all tripping and bumping into things. Or stimming in public. Or looking a little rumpled. I learned this stuff through trial and error and by overhearing what people say about me and others like me. BTW: If this looks familiar to you, it’s because I pulled it from another post I made to an anonymous aspie group I frequent. Hope it is of some use to you.

If Your Friends are Just Using You, They're Not Really Friends

Tonight I posted a response to someone whose "friends" didn't seem to really care about xem. While the message board itself is anonymous, so I won't post the original message or details, I thought my response might help some of my fellow Aspies and autistic children of my NT readers. Here it is:

Hi XXXXXX,

You are not alone.

Unfortunately, I don't have the answer for you, but I can tell you a little about my experience... warning, this is very long...

It was heartbreaking for me to realize, toward the end of my senior year of college, that my friendships were shallow and one-sided. Every once in a blue moon I'd find someone who just liked hanging around me- watching the same things I watch, going to bookstores, going hiking, but for the most part my "friends" had specific agendas:

1. They didn't have anyone else to hang around with at the moment
2. If they wanted to talk and whine about their problems and all their other friends were tired of listening to it
3. They wanted to use me/take advantage of me

Some examples of "3" include:

In school I was one of few students who had a car, so I would get offers to go places if I drove. I often got "friends" who needed help on their homework (I was an honor roll student) and "liked me" long enough to get the homework or project done. Sometimes the Christian and Mormon girls would need a "chaperone" and invite me to tag along with them hiking with a guy.

Even though it's in my nature to want to help everyone and do things for people, I try really hard to resist now. People that are just using others do not care about the people they are using. In fact, I've worked with a lot of people that think those of us who are willing to help were put here to be taken advantage of. Basically, they subscribe to the belief that some people were made to be used, and it's ok to take advantage of someone if they deserve it. Of course I don't believe this, myself, but since I know most of my coworkers do I try to keep myself from doing things for them so I don't establish a cycle of being used.

After realizing most of my friendships were not really friendships at all, I made a concerted effort to minimize my involvement with those who are only out to use me. So I saw that someone didn't really care for me (because they never wanted to do what I want, and when we did stuff I always gave, never received, or they never cared how I was, only about themselves), I stopped doing things for them and I stop talking to them. Not completely, but mostly. It hurt to lose my friends. But they weren't really friends. And the funny thing is, I opened myself up to finding new friends (at church, the bookstore) now that I wasn't wasting all my time trying to please people who didn't really care about me.

Nowadays, when I meet someone, I am very careful not to do things for them or to tell too many of my stories. It's hard because I always want to help. Early on, I let others to talk more about themselves because the more you let others talk, the more they will enjoy being around you. But I keep an eye out for clues that this friendship will be one-sided, abusive, or just plain depressing, and if so, then I minimize my time spent with that person.

Some main results of this are:

1. (good result) I feel much better about myself. I don't feel like a doormat anymore. Sometimes I will accommodate someone who is just trying to use me, but usually only if it's in line with my own personal goals to do so.
2. (good result) I have a lower percentage of "superficial friendships." When I stopped letting people use me all the time, they moved on to other targets, er, I mean, more accommodating people. And it seems like when I started treating myself better by getting rid of people who were toxic for me, I started attracting better people into my life. Not MORE people, but BETTER people.
3. (sometimes depressing result) of course, that unfortunately means I have less friends overall. I go more places by myself and do more things by myself. I'm not completely happy about that, but now when I do go out with people, I have more meaningful interaction so when I get down about being alone more than I like, I tell myself "choose quality over quantity."
4. (really caught me by surprise) Finally, I want to note a side-effect of this change in my life is that, over time, I stopped really trusting people who come in to my life. meetings notwithstanding, I find if someone new is really friendly to me, or really seems interested in me, I get wary and start looking for "what do they want? what are they trying to butter me up for? what are they trying to get out of me?" 99% of the time they are, indeed, trying to take advantage of me. But I try to keep an open mind because every so often someone comes along who is just happy to meet someone like me (who is just like them).

Two big caveats I need to add to my advice are:

1. I, like most Aspies, have the problem of driving away "quality people" by expecting them to be like us. They're not. Even another Aspie isn’t going to be just like me. We can't always gauge someone's friendship potential by what we want or by whether or not our needs are always met because we may have unique needs other people are unable to meet. For example, I am a very "intense" person. Most people are not as intense, and will never be able to satisfy my need for that "intensity" in friendships. For example, I'm sure you couldn't tell by the length of this post, LOL, but I love long detailed descriptions. Most people (especially NTs) like to keep emails and posts to one or two paragraphs at most, and get overwhelmed when I send something this long. I can't allow myself to feel like they don't care about me if I write them a book and they just send one or two lines back. MOST people send short emails. That's NORMAL. They don't LIKE long emails. So I have to accept that. I have a few friends who like to write the way I do, and I always have to encourage them to ramble on and express themselves, otherwise they have been so conditioned by everyone else that they will automatically shorten what they say to me. I can't judge others by my own personal conduct because my conduct is not "normal."
2. Many people are, as XXXXXXXXX2 mentioned, narcissistic and only friends with us to feed their own egos and meet their own goals. It's good to stay away from those folks (because they drain us, and make us depressed) but we need to be honest with ourselves and realize that most of us are a little like that- we want friends that like US, make US feel good about ourselves, listen to US, and are interested in US. Since I know this is true for me, I don't cut off interaction with everyone who is just out for themselves, but I keep my expectations realistic. For example, a coworker often arranges events (dinners, trips, museums, etc). She has the personality that always finds special deals and gets people to make special concessions for her. We have spent a good portion of free time together, but I have no false expectations that she cares deeply about me. She simply does not like to be alone, and since I'm adventurous but unable to come up with the cool events she does, the "relationship" works for both of us.

Wow, that's longer than usual but I hope you are encouraged to know you are not alone and that you DON'T have to SETTLE for poor quality relationships. We still have to work with (and sometimes live with) people who are not good for us, but we don't have to spend our free time being hurt and ignored. It takes time to attract quality people into your life, but the first step is valuing yourself enough to put aside the people who are causing you pain.