Thursday, December 31, 2009

Fun, But Still Alone.

I wrote the post "So Unique. So Alone." after thinking about two aspie authors who have killed themselves. It happened a long time ago and I don’t remember who they were. A Google search didn’t help me locate info on either of them so if you know who I’m talking about, please send me details. One was a lady whose book really helped me understand about being an Aspie, and the other was a young man whose aspie friendship site really helped others. I discovered them a couple years ago, after just learning about AS myself. I was shocked that someone who appeared to crack the code on friendship and getting along in an NT world would commit suicide. They had it made, right?

But one day I was sitting in my apartment. Alone. I could go to church. But I would still be alone. I can go to work tomorrow and laugh, joke, even go to lunch with my coworkers. But I would still be alone. I could go home to visit family who loves me. But I would still be alone. I can go out to meet new people, by joining a new group or trying to get closer to people I know but haven’t really hung around, because I hope that by meeting lots and lots of people I’ll eventually find some like me. But I’ve only found 1 other person who is enough like me that I can totally be myself around her; and she’s now living on another continent, so most likely I would still be alone.

So I sat there, alone. And felt the most hopeless and forlorn I had felt in a long time. In spite of all my efforts to be friendly, fill up my social calendar, and the fact that I was actually succeeding at my highly interpersonal job, I felt like there was too much missing. Like I would never be able to connect with someone in a way that was fulfilling to ALL of me. The part of me that loves the Lord AND the part of me that loves science AND the part of me that loves food AND the part of me that loves long-distance running AND the part of me that loves being a blend of two ethnic cultures AND the part of me that doesn’t like TV AND the part of me that doesn’t like movie theaters AND the part of me that loves to watch movies at home AND the part of me that likes outdoor sports AND the part of me that loves watching football AND the part of me that hates sports bars.

It sounds dumb when you read it, because none of that SHOULD be enough to make you depressed, but I didn’t want to live. I didn’t want to keep trying. I didn’t want to keep playing the NT game. I didn’t want to have to always adjust myself. It wasn’t fair. Other people didn’t have to change, why should I??? But in that instant, I discovered how others could help 1000s of other Aspies, appear to have cracked the code on how to have the good life, and yet still take their life.

I decided to pick myself up, accept the reality that my life is just going to be more of a battle than other people’s lives seemed to be (which really isn’t true- we just feel that way), and make the best out of a bad situation. Maybe I couldn’t be completely myself around others, but at least I could have fun. And I do have fun. But I have yet to feel as if I "belong," so even in the midst of my fun, I'm still alone.


Kdaspie987 said...

Hang in there! Life works in unusual ways! The thing that seems to inhibit you now can turn to your greatest joy when you dont see how it could happen :) God puts things and people all around us in awesome multitudes for us to see and enjoy in a multitude of ways. The power of one taught me that :)


Hi Paris! As you probably know if you got my facebook frindship message, I just discovered a day ago that I am an Aspie. Is 5:35 in the morning so I started reading your posts about 11:00 pm . Lol Of course I couldn't stop but I am not tired. Through your writing I feel that I know you. Is like listening to the ME inside that for many years I just couldn't understand why I always felt like this. Say,this inexplicable existential pain. Recently I discovered that much of that pain was feeling as I don't belong even within my family.Now thanks to the Lord realized that I belong to Him and I am not like you alone. Never. He is everywhere and His presence fills everything. I love outdoors too. I think we are very similar. I also used to have a very good job, I have had many but always ended up losing them for my fault or my Aspie things not getting along, saying the wrong things at the wrong people etc. And I could talk about that a lot but is too much and too long as you can imagine. So I just wanted to tell you that many times I felt like not doing it anymore, especially now that I am unemployed for obvious reasons as Aspie LOL! But now that I have been reading a lot about AS and your posts I realize that I am not the only one feeling like that. I was this last time after being fired I got into many arguments with a bullie until I told her off really well that she cried. So I was shortly after let go. And it hurt me a lot. Then I got into another job and ended bad too. Because my car was repossesed, and got another job which let me go because I didn't have a car to do the home visits etc. So I got so tired tired of fighting this life that I thought I just wanted to stop it. But what has always kept me up is my daughter. She is 19 I am 47 and I started reading abour AS more in detail because I thought she might have traits of AS and she does, but I am more... intensely affected in my social area than her. Plus I came to the US 12 years ago and is when it became even more evident than my country. I am mixed too like you. And I like the same things than you except that I like movie theaters because they are fresh. And try to look for a clean one a nice spot, you know lol! And I don't like long distance running because I get super tired but I like surfing and ridding my bike which I recently learned to do without hands. Yeah! so I guess old dogs yes can learn new tricks. But lately my social traits are more acutely affecting me since I am not working nor have a definite schedule like before etc. Anyway I hope you get this post. I definitely would like to be friends i feel you as a sister. In Christ we are. Ruby. Oh and Paris is my favorite name and city. :)