*Warning* This post is another rant. And it's gonna be TMI.
I know most of you who know me IRL are used to serene, happy, Paris. Not angry bitter frowny face.
But that's who I am today. I won't be offended if you come back when I'm in a better mood!!
I've been trying to encourage myself given Mr. Man's disappearance. I am angry. Not at him, because he was a hot, italian gansta type. I can hardly blame him for being tired of prudish me.
I'm angry at my life. I'm angry at my rule-following nature.
I'm angry at all those people who said waiting for marriage was/is worth it.
I'm angry because the Bible says "flee fornication" but doesn't have an escape clause if you're "mature" and none of the guys in your age group want to be holy.
ARGH!
A search on "waiting for marriage" turned up several people who say they are glad they waited. And a few who say they wish they had waited. Not one of them who say they resented waiting for marriage.
But you know what?
I RESENT IT! I RESENT IT WITH EVERYTHING IN ME!
Oh, I waited alright! I kept myself til marriage. And I was faithful in that marriage even though I had many propositions. And even though I wasn't getting fulfilled at home. No hugs. No liplock. No toes curling. There was plenty of action, don't get me wrong. But *I* wasn't allowed any enjoyment. Hey, I warned you about TMI.
I never got that reward being promised to these young kids with their purity rings. The specialness and sacredness of the marriage bed.
And right now I am feeling so much bitterness and anger. I wish I could go back to a time when I hadn't read the Bible and just have some fun. Mr. Man offered me some fun. And such a big part of me wishes I could have just turned off my conscience and had fun. I wish I could do that now. "Waiting for marriage" didn't work for me the first time. Why do I keep losing man after man after a couple months because I refuse to have a little fun? After all, I'm gonna end up alone anyway... why not have some good memories to show for it???
I don't *really* feel that way, or I'd have "had some fun" by now, but those of you who are waiting for marriage surely know the angst I currently feel ;-)
I cried deep in prayer over this the past few days. If you had told me I was mad at God for anything, I wouldn't have listened to you. But the truth is, I've been angry with the Lord since my wedding night. I was angry because I felt like I did my part but He didn't do His. I didn't get marital bliss. I got abused. I didn't end up like the lover in Song of Solomon. I ended up a divorced, broke single mom with nothing but debt to show for all my efforts and faithfulness.
And I have a friend who's going through the same thing! Down to the six figure debt!
Ugh.
I am encouraging myself that the Lord will reward those of us who are faithful to His Word. I know He will. I know I have a place reserved for me in God's kingdom. And I know that part of my earthly reward for my obedience to His word is how gracious He's been to keep me through the sufferings of the last few years. I just wish I could get a little reward here on earth. No, scratch that... a "big" reward. ;-)
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6 comments:
Sorry that you're having a down day but you're right to feel anger and resentment. Get it out of your system and you'll feel better.
One thing that's clear from the bible is that it's full of temptation, sin and forgiveness.
You can't be free from sin and you can't be perfect.
In a world where members of major religious organisations are frequently caught indulging in not only premarital but also unconsenting, underage and un-celibrate sex, the "sin" of a middle aged woman in premarital sex seems petty indeed.
You're entitled to Forgiveness, so perhaps you need to forgive yourself and cut yourself a little slack.
Thank you, Gavin, for those kind words!
I know how life can get rough, Sis. I've had purity issues, to, though nothing quite like this.
The way I see it, life is a battle.
Next time you feel a breakdown coming, bring in our Divine Ally. He knows, in a way greater than we could, what we're going through.
We have to fight for things to be worth it. I should know that incredibly well.
I just want to let you know that there are good, single, Christian, middle-aged men out there. Perhaps not as many as would be convenient, but we do exist. My girlfriend was going through something similar to you before she met me. (Hopefully she isn't still going through it...) Be strong by letting God take care of you.
I'm not trying to pull the "don't worry--it'll all be fine" garbage. We know the end of the story turns out in our favor, but the struggles persist in the meantime.
To paraphrase from one of my favorite authors, A.W. Tozer: God wants us to be honest in our hurt and anger (just read the raw honesty in the Psalms), but He also desires that our ultimate pursuit be Him. I know that after I let my anger and frustration out, that I can return to God and He'll take care of me as the only person who truly knows me can.
I'm sorry...it seems that the response rambled. (As you could guess, I am also an aspie.) I guess my summary statement is that you are not alone, that there is someone who knows you, knows your hurt and pain, and it is okay to vent to Him.
Zhu and ICG thanks for your comments... I know the Lord is reserving me to a special purpose.
I just ask Him to give me grace and strength to celebrate His work in my life, rather than be envious at those who disobey His word but still seem to get blessed more than me.
Hi, I came across your blog a while back and decided to visit again, after finally accepting that I have AS traits.
I'm a Christian as well, I don't belong to a church (left one and had bad experiences, but hope to find another soon).
Anyway, not to be TMI as well, although I've had premarital sex and a child OOW before getting saved, it is hard to remain celibate. I've been celibate for a couple of years now, it doesn't bother me that much, but I do miss the intimacy.
It's already a bad thing I got pregnant by a guy (a bad boy/thug) that "took care of my needs well", although it was wrong, it was not worth it. Not because of my child, but because of who he was.
I'm glad you took a stand, I wish you much luck and a nice guy will come along, marry you and you will get the marital bliss you deserve!
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