*Warning* This post is another rant. And it's gonna be TMI.
I know most of you who know me IRL are used to serene, happy, Paris. Not angry bitter frowny face.
But that's who I am today. I won't be offended if you come back when I'm in a better mood!!
I've been trying to encourage myself given Mr. Man's disappearance. I am angry. Not at him, because he was a hot, italian gansta type. I can hardly blame him for being tired of prudish me.
I'm angry at my life. I'm angry at my rule-following nature.
I'm angry at all those people who said waiting for marriage was/is worth it.
I'm angry because the Bible says "flee fornication" but doesn't have an escape clause if you're "mature" and none of the guys in your age group want to be holy.
A search on "waiting for marriage" turned up several people who say they are glad they waited. And a few who say they wish they had waited. Not one of them who say they resented waiting for marriage.
But you know what?
I RESENT IT! I RESENT IT WITH EVERYTHING IN ME!
Oh, I waited alright! I kept myself til marriage. And I was faithful in that marriage even though I had many propositions. And even though I wasn't getting fulfilled at home. No hugs. No liplock. No toes curling. There was plenty of action, don't get me wrong. But *I* wasn't allowed any enjoyment. Hey, I warned you about TMI.
I never got that reward being promised to these young kids with their purity rings. The specialness and sacredness of the marriage bed.
And right now I am feeling so much bitterness and anger. I wish I could go back to a time when I hadn't read the Bible and just have some fun. Mr. Man offered me some fun. And such a big part of me wishes I could have just turned off my conscience and had fun. I wish I could do that now. "Waiting for marriage" didn't work for me the first time. Why do I keep losing man after man after a couple months because I refuse to have a little fun? After all, I'm gonna end up alone anyway... why not have some good memories to show for it???
I don't *really* feel that way, or I'd have "had some fun" by now, but those of you who are waiting for marriage surely know the angst I currently feel ;-)
I cried deep in prayer over this the past few days. If you had told me I was mad at God for anything, I wouldn't have listened to you. But the truth is, I've been angry with the Lord since my wedding night. I was angry because I felt like I did my part but He didn't do His. I didn't get marital bliss. I got abused. I didn't end up like the lover in Song of Solomon. I ended up a divorced, broke single mom with nothing but debt to show for all my efforts and faithfulness.
And I have a friend who's going through the same thing! Down to the six figure debt!
I am encouraging myself that the Lord will reward those of us who are faithful to His Word. I know He will. I know I have a place reserved for me in God's kingdom. And I know that part of my earthly reward for my obedience to His word is how gracious He's been to keep me through the sufferings of the last few years. I just wish I could get a little reward here on earth. No, scratch that... a "big" reward. ;-)