Overcoming Depression, Series Wrap Up

My hope is that this series has helped others overcome depression by looking at some of the factors that contribute to anxiety/stress in our lives. By reducing the anxiety of daily living, and taking positive action to direct our lives in the way WE want to go, we can begin to climb out of depression and into "life more abundantly."

As a wrap-up, here are my 5 tips to Overcoming Depression:

Tip #1: Tell yourself you are happy

Tip #2: Manage your expectations

Tip #3: Focus on what's good

Tip #4: Make sure your goals are things you can control

Tip 5: Accept yourself the way you are, or do something about it

Please note, thesse posts in no way qualify as professional advice. I am simply telling you what worked for me. Please seek your own counsel before implementing any of this advice.

Overcoming Depression, Part 5

Today's tip for overcoming depression is, to me, the toughest thing I ever did:

Tip 5: Accept yourself the way you are, or do something about it

To do this, I must examine myself, good and bad, and catagorize myself into things I can change and things I can't.

I must acknowledge what I can't change, and find ways to work around (or overcome)those obstacles. I must also acknowledge what I CAN change, and this can be tough because we really can change more than we like to believe we can.

A couple of examples:

I am African-American. In some places I visit, this affords me poor treatment. I cannot change that, though I can try to limit my travels (as much as possible) to places that aren't predominantly racist. And if I get treated poorly because of race, I can tell myself not to take it personally, not to let the incident get me down.

I am also a woman. In some jobs I've held, I've been told the reason my evals were poor was because I was a woman, not because of poor performance. I can't change that, though when I end up working for a boss who thinks less of women, I can quickly seek out another job. And if I get treated poorly because of gender, I can tell myself not to take it personally, not to let the incident get me down.

I prefer my own natural scent, and often don't understand why others don't agree. However, I have discovered that my scent offends others just as much as it pleases me, so I've learned to use nice grooming products with a pleasant smell and clean myself every morning (whether I feel like I need a wash or not). Being clean and somewhat fashionable results in more positive interactions with others, so this means less times people treat me bad, thus less hurtful experiences to be depressed about.

I must take a hard look at what I can change, and stop making excuses for not changing. If I choose not to change, that's one thing- I must accept the consequences of not changing as a matter of accepting myself the way I am. But many things that contribute to our depression can be changed. Behaviours, mannerisms, the way we present ourselves to others, etc, are things we can change. By changing them, we change how people react to us, and that in turn gives us more positive interactions, which helps lighten our depression.

My life will never be different if I keep doing the same things. Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” and I think he's right.

As much as I like to whine and complain about how other people have it easy, the bottom line is we all have handicaps. We all have personality issues. We all have strengths and weaknesses, including NTs. We all have to overcome SOMETHING, and the first thing we need to overcome is the tendency to look at ourselves and either sugar coat the truth so we can avoid change, or paint ourselves as horrible hopeless creatures, which discourages us so bad that we lose motivation to change.

Overcoming Depression, Part 4

Today's tip for overcoming depression requires some serious introspection: We're going to look at our goals, and see which ones may be setting us up for failure, and/or depression.

Tip #4: Make sure your goals are things you can control.

In my experience, one of the greatest contributors to depression is the feeling of failure. Failure on the job. Failure on the social scene. Failure with family. Failure with friends. Failure trying to learn a new skill. Join a new club. Find a new outfit. And so on.

One day I realized** that my goals were actually setting me up for failure. I wanted respect, admiration, acceptance.

But you know what?

I can't make that happen. Not one of us has power to control what another person thinks and feels! We can manipulate them (if they care enough about what we think) to get them to say the words we want to hear and even exhibit the behaviors we want to see. But we can't make them love us. We can't make anyone accept us deep down inside.

I can lose weight and get in shape, BUT there's no guarantee others will think I'm beautiful.

I can do things that are friendly and might increase my likableness, such as smiling and asking others about their day, BUT I can't make them like me.

I can make all the money I want, BUT that doesn't guarantee others will value my opinion.

I can do things that are respectable, such as hold a good job and volunteer my time, BUT I can't make others respect me.

I was working hard towards my goals, but coming up short because my goals were not something I could actually accomplish! I was spinning my wheels for nothing! My goals needed adjusting! They needed to be things I could accomplish no matter how other people feel.

For example, instead of trying to lose weight so others would think I was beautiful, I realized that I needed to be in good shape and protect my health whatever they thought of my beauty. Also, I realized that as a black female in a white-male dominated career field, they might never respect me or accept me. I shifted that goal toward doing the best job that I could do. At the same time, I began to seek outlets (or pockets) of creativity where I could be myself amongst like-minded people.

My depression began to lift when, in concert with the other tips I shared previously, when I adjusted my goals. I encourage you to look at your goals and see which ones are things you cannot really control. Write down what you want to get out of life. What are you striving for? Are those dreams under your power? Or do they depend on others. I'm not saying cast aside your dreams -not at all! But if you are struggling with depression, try adding a few goals that are entirely under your control, things you can accomplish no matter how others feel about you. Then go out and do them.

My depression began to lift when, in concert with the other tips I shared previously, when I adjusted my goals and began to accept myself the way I am (which will be the 5th and final goal in this series).

Take Care,
Paris

Overcoming Depression, Part 3

Today's tip on overcoming depression challenges us to look past the current dismal state we may be feeling, and reaching out to things that are good.

Tip #3: Focus on what's good

When it feels like our world is crashing down around us, and we don't even look for the "light at the end of the tunnel" because we know if we see the light, it's probably a train, we can improve our mood by focusing on what's going right. What things we have going for us. How the world is a better place because we're in it.

For example, one day, I got some very bad news: I found out I did NOT qualify for a program I needed to progress further in my career, and was told (in political, polite, language) that I've gone as far as I can go and I'm the bottom of the barrel. Lots of losers get into this school, so I was feeling really, really, down about it. Now that I'm facing life as a single mom, money has become more important to me. I'm now the provider. And in a couple years, this job will turn into a pumpkin. So I was crying and sad and feeling like nothing in my life was going well. I didn't get the program, my promotion recommendation was laughed at, my weight won't budge (in spite of all these half-marathons I've been running), and my son has developed a very disrespectful mouth.

But then the Lord spoke to me.

And reminded me that my problems are minimal. No, my weight isn't going down, but I'm in great shape and unlike my peers I no longer need medication. I'm not likely to get promoted (*1) but I make good money. And I have a healthy retirement package. No, things aren't going well in the social department either (the dating and friend scene has really changed in the last 15 years since I've swam in it), but I have a beautiful son who gives me a legal excuse to do Aspie things most adults would get disrespected for (like play with sounds (mouth/throat), explore textures (grass, fence, etc), and twirl around like nobody's business).

So, one by one I started thinking about all the good things in my life. What's right. I started praying and thanking God for all the good things.

And I realized, sitting around moping in my room was NOT making the world a better place. So I started (slowly) volunteering again and doing things for others. And slowly but surely this helped pick me up out of my depressive slump.

I encourage you to try these tips, and let me know they work out for you and/or your friends the next time a depression comes along.






(*1) I'm NOT going to say I'll never get promoted, though this school is pretty much required in my line of work, since, after all, promotion comes not from the east, west, or the south- but GOD sets up one and takes down another. If God wants me to get promoted, I will. I have to do the work, of course, but He can put me where He wants me, in spite of what my administration says (ps 76:6-7).

Overcoming Depression, Part 2

Today's tip on overcoming depression comes from one of the daily "DivorceCare" devotionals I have been receiving.

Tip #2 Manage your expectations

Says Dr. Jim A. Talley "You expected somebody to do something. That person didn't do it, and you get mad. What makes you even madder is that person doesn't seem to give a rip that he or she didn't do it. Now you're really hurt, and you begin to boil on the inside. You shift at that point to real bitterness. You have to go back and reset your expectations to what you can control and deal with. You can't force other people into your expectations."

I was really down about myself- I had worked so hard to lose weight, only to put it all back on when my ex announced our marriage's demise. Then, I was so emotionally overloaded that I felt like I couldn't handle even the smallest stressors. And, to top it off, my friends (what few I have!) were keeping their distance, because they didn't know how to handle the situation.

Through the course, I learned that it's normal to be overwhelmed with a divorce, to have a rough time dealing with things and to respond by overeating (or undereating, if that's your stress-mechanism). I learned to be gentle with myself, and tell myself that it's *normal* to be emotional, *normal* to not be able to focus all day long, *normal* to be sad, and *normal* for others to withdraw from you (either because they don't know how to help, they feel uncomfortable, or they just don't like being around sad people). I told myself NOT to expect my usual star performance on the job, and not to expect that everything would be perfect around the house.

And, over time, it worked. I can go out with those few friends now and have a good time, without thinking about all the hurt I suffered in that marriage. I can focus on losing that weight, and my productivity on the job has returned to normal. I don't have the life I wanted or expected, but things are starting to go really well and my outlook on life has greatly improved.

So, if you're faced with a tough time, try re-evaluating your expectations, and see if there are areas where you can lighten up a little bit.

Overcoming Depression, Part 1

Hello everyone... I've been gone for a bit between teaching and extensive traveling over the last two months.

I've also had some very low moments where any blog post would have been simply my cry for attention and external affirmation. The change in my family status really hit me hard, and I haven't been this depressed since college, many years ago.

I discovered a few neat "coping" techniques and I thought I'd share them with you over the next few weeks. I don't know of any specific place where I learned of these, but I"m sure I didn't come up with the ideas on my own. They may have come from the Spirit, or perhaps from things I read/learned/overheard but took so long to process that I forgot where the ideas originated.

The first tip is this:

Tell yourself you are happy.

The next time you feel down in the dumps, try remembering something that you have every right to feel good about, and then tell yourself over and over how happy you are about that one thing (even if everything else is going wrong).

If you don't have something that you feel good about, then maybe you can create such a memory by volunteering, accomplishing a task on your "gonna do one day" list, or tackling a concrete project around the house.

Sounds simplistic, but let me illustrate with a real life example:

I received some very good news a couple weeks ago. But, now facing the world as a single mom, I had been quite down in the dumps about my change in marital status. But this very good news should have set me on cloud nine because it is something I had worked 12 years for. I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. XYZ worked out, and now your life will be immensely better. I should have been celebrating, dancing in the streets. Then I decided to tell myself, "I AM happy. I AM so thankful to God that this worked out, and so HAPPY that I won't have to suffer like I expected to." Every time I had a few moments to myself to dwell on things, I kept telling myself over and over: "This is good news! I am SO happy about it! I am not in a 'happy mood' right now, but I'm going to choose to celebrate this good news and be happy about it. Things are falling into place as best as they possibly can, and I'm not going to mope about it. No, I'm going to be happy!"

Without realizing it, I talked myself into a good mood because the next day I was back to my old self, and a few days after that people began to comment about how happy I'd been.

Affirmations really work. Try it and let me know how it works out for you.

Good Colleges for Aspies

In the article, "More Students With Asperger Syndrome Going to College," ABC news presents a brief discussion of colleges that show promise for young adults with Aspergers. Although a bit sensationalist (for examples phrases like, "As scores of autistic young adults enter universities for the first time", and "deal with the first generation of Asperger's students to hit campuses in large numbers"), the article touches on the main problems Aspie college students have: They can be too trusting, too honest, too easily overwhelmed by a large campus, and then too anxious or stressed to properly ask for help.

Those schools, some of which have AS/ASD specific programs and others which assist students through their disabilities office, include:

• Marshall University
  
• University of Connecticut
  
• Marshall University Asperger's Program
  
• University of Connecticut School of Law
  
• Kelly Autism Program at Western Kentucky University
  
• Gersh Program at Daemon College, Buffalo, N.Y. York
  
• Georgia State University
  

For more information, you might also visit:

Higher Education and Autism Spectrum Disorders
University of Connecticut Disabilities Office