You Think You're So Perfect, Part 3

One more thought from a quote from my post You Think You're So Perfect, Don't You??

People who are too perfect don't make friends. I have some friends I can talk about that stuff with, but not most of them.

I don't *truly* understand why but accept that the above quote is true. When you're around people who aren't as pretty, accomplished, "good," or experienced, they feel terribly flawed. Part of what I don't understand** is because at the same time, I'm looking at their ability to "read between the lines" and pick up on social cues that I don't see and *I'm* feeling terribly flawed.

Even at church the other day- a group of folks who don't drink were passing around a rum cake. They were all joking about how it takes them back to old times when they used to drink. They were commenting on how strong the cake was. I didn't know what they were talking about so when it came to me, I said, "yum, smells like cake!" They all burst out laughing and teased me about alcohol. They thought I was trying to be funny by pretending I didn't smell the rum, and they liked the joke.

Only it wasn't a joke! I asked if that's what they were talking about- the rum, and told them I didn't smell it. They passed the cake back to me and were shocked that I couldn't smell the rum. I honestly tell you it just smelled like cake. When they quizzed me a bit and discovered that I rarely drank growing up and really, honestly, had no idea what part of the cake smelled like rum, the whole atmosphere changed.

It's happened before- people stiffen up, they draw back from you. You know you've said something wrong, but you usually don't know what. Only, this time I knew because I've been in this situation before. Usually with church folks, strangely.

So I made some comment about how, "well, I never was a drinker or smoker, but I was still deep in SIN." The mood lightened and the rest of the evening was fun.

But it still goes to show: You can't be too "perfect" or too "different" around NTs. They take too great offense.

You Think You're So Perfect, Part 2

My last post dealt with how most people don’t like to be around perfect people. And how sometimes we give off the impression that we think we are perfect or how we just naturally have "good" habits that make others feel bad about themselves.

I don't get it, but I accept it and try to deal with it.

In this post, I'd like to point out how my thinking differs from the bulk of the population on this. I have more Aspie friends who think like me, so I hope this post will help them (and you) understand some of the differences.

I like being around people who are better than me. It inspires me. Unless they’re the kind that rub my nose in it. I don’t like being around THOSE meanies, but most of the awesome people I know aren’t that mean. They're proud of themselves and enjoy being around people like me who think highly of them and aren't trying to bring them down.

When you're around people who aren't as pretty, accomplished, "good," or experienced, they feel terribly flawed. I have this problem a lot, and I don’t understand why because I’m not perfect! At the same time they think I’m looking down on them, I'm actually looking at their ability to "read between the lines" and pick up on social cues that I don't see and *I'm* feeling terribly flawed.

I don't understand how people are like that, because I DON'T say to myself, "Gee, that person is so awesome and can hear 10 conversations at once. They never forget a face -or a name- and they don't go into sensory overload. They have their lives handed to them on a silver platter and I have to work for every drop of happiness I get. So I hate them."

Instead, I say, "Gee, that person is so awesome and can hear 10 conversations at once. They never forget a face -or a name- and they don't go into sensory overload. Their life does seem to be a lot easier than mine- seems like I have to work for every drop of happiness I get. I wish I could have had that life growing up, but I'm doing pretty good with the life I have. I wonder if they have something cool to teach me, so let's see if they want to grab a coffee"

I DON'T look at a beautiful woman and say, "Gee she is so thin, blond, and gorgeous and all the guys flock to her. I hate her!"

Instead, I say, "Gee she is so thin, blond, and gorgeous and all the guys flock to her. I know I'll never be thin or blond, but her earrings are cute so I'll ask her where she got 'em! And she probably doesn't feel beautiful because all the guys who approach her probably just want sex, and that actually makes you feel REALLY bad inside, so I'll find something to compliment her on and brighten her day."

And I really do say that even though I know most guys like tall, thin, blond girls and I'll never be one. I don't take my sadness at being short, dark, and plump into my interactions with the tall, blonde, and thin girl. She can't help being tall and beautiful. It's a genetic gift. I can't help that I would look bad if I bleached my hair blonde, but I can work with what I've got.

But most girls don't think that way.

Hm, there was a point to all this when I started writing... there really was! Oh, yeah: I just want to remind everyone that we all think differently. Whether we are NT or Aspie, others don't always think the same way we do. So our job is to figure out how they think and then behave so their mind translates our words and behaviors into the message we really want to give.

And for most people that means trying not to give the impression that we think we're perfect.

You Think You're So Perfect, Don't You??

This is so true- but was a tough lesson for me to learn!

What's wrong with being imperfect? Perfect wouldn't be perfect, would it? ...In case you really don't know....Nobody likes somebody like that -- somebody "perfect" would make everyone feel terribly flawed. So perfect is actually imperfect. If you are imperfect with plenty to improve and a motivation to steadily improve yourself, you're probably as perfect as possible."

I was the kind of kid who never did anything "wrong." You tell me a rule, and I would never break it. I had plenty of social faux-pas, still do, but I've always been a rule follower. I didn't drink before 21. I didn't drive before I had a permit. I never snuck out of my parents house. I never snuck into a club. I've never been high. I didn't go where I knew the kids were doing drugs. I've never skipped school. I had straight As.

I went to college free. I have a great job. And now, thanks to some image counseling early in my career, I'm good looking too so I appear to have it all.*

And I've always been the kind of person to go all-out and learn how to be the best in whatever sport/game/endeavor I'm currently focused on. So when you talk about art, I can reach back to my art phase and talk about my first prizes in art contests. You talk about writing, and I can talk about my published books. You talk about extreme sports, I can talk about skydiving, snowboarding, etc. You talk about third world, I can talk about living in Asia eating dinner picked off the trees outside. You talk about terrorism, I can talk about terrorist bomb that blew up my dad's office (good thing he was late that day) and the protesters camped outside my house during the war. You talk about Berlin, I can show you my piece of the wall. You talk about half the countries in existence, I can pull out my photo album and show you when I was there.

I can talk about all that. But I don’t.

Why? Because when I do so, people think I'm too perfect! Granted, I'm not all those things at once, and I'm really not even that awesome in real life but the fact I've lived in most continents and done more stuff in my lifetime than 10 people put together.

And you know what? People who are too perfect don't make friends. I have some friends I can talk about that stuff with, but not most of them.

I don't *truly* understand why but accept that the above quote is true. When you're around people who aren't as pretty, accomplished, "good," or experienced, they feel terribly flawed. Part of what I don't understand** is because at the same time, I'm looking at their ability to "read between the lines" and pick up on social cues that I don't see and *I'm* feeling terribly flawed.

But my flaws are different.

I’ve boiled it down to two ways that my interactions with people remind them of their flaws (which makes them not want to be around me):

1. By pointing out that I don't share certain of their flaws (no drinking, never smoked, never fornicated, etc) I am communicating to them that I think I am better them. This is not true. But this is what they "hear." They are wrong. But them being wrong doesn't matter. What matters is that they "hear" Paris think she is better than us.

2. By always having a story to match what they are talking about, I appear to be bragging. This is not my intent. But it doesn't matter. They don't hear, "Wow, I'm so excited to meet you- we have SO much in common!" What they "hear" is that Paris thinks she is better than me. Sometimes they "hear" Paris is so rude that she has no respect for me and my accomplishments!

Even now I have to be careful not to fall into old habits. When I say something and suddenly people stiffen up, they draw back from me, the "air" gets tense/uncomfortable, or the conversation starts to die down, I review what I've said to see if I’ve said something explosive or offensive. Then I look to see if it's appearing to them that I am trying to seem perfect. And if it looks like they are taking it to mean I think I am better than them, I throw in some sort of gentle fault and see if that perks things up.

I also try not to win all the time which is getting easier as I get older and not so good at the games anymore because I don't have time to practice! But still from time to time I get on a winning streak and when that happens, I purposefully punctuate that streak with losses.

I have more friends who are accepting of me than ever in my life, but the bottom line is, no one likes a know-it-all, and most people don't like to be around someone who gives off the impression that they are perfect.



Oh, to give credit where credit is due... I got that quote from this website today. I almost hate to admit I was doing this, but I was researching self-esteem. A comment on What Women Never Hear (I can't find it now) said you can't improve self-esteem and I was doing research on that. I actually think you can, and think I did. But am I just fooling myself? After all, when I get sad about myself I REALLY get sad. That's a whole 'nother post!

* Ha ha, as an aside, I wonder if the NTs reading this are saying, “boy this girl is too full of herself! I’m not going to read any more of this.” And, I wonder if the Aspies are saying, “She sounds like someone cool to know! I’m going to read more, then pick her brain to see what I can learn.”

** This is another one of those things that I, as an Aspie, don't understand. I just accept it and try to live with it.

Gotta Stop Hating Myself

This has truly been a month of tears. But in a good way: The Lord has been opening my eyes to so many hurts since even my youngest memories. I've been reviewing these events, analyzing them for lessons I can learn, and finally feeling the grief/anger/sadness I never allowed myself to feel all these years.

Many hurts over the years were in response to my own behavior. I'm thinking of the many "Take advantage of me" messages I didn't realize I was sending out to NTs that triggered their less-than-ideal treatment of me.* And, the times when I meant to communicate one thought/feeling/message but through a combination of poor non-verbal communication, poor word choice, and sometimes poor behavior (for example, laughing when I am very sad, or yawning when I am exercising very hard)

But some hurts have been external. Realizing that my parents, both (IMHO) wired with ASD tendencies themselves, were at times incapable of providing the love I needed and at other times made choices to their benefit that hindered all of their children.

But as I reflect on these memories, I come to the conclusion that I don't want to be ruled by anxiety, fear, self-hatred.

Anxiety of doing or saying the wrong thing. I have so little approval (and love) from others that I am constantly fearful of blowing it, doing something stupid, saying something that makes no sense, and thus losing what little approval (or love) I receive.

Fear of never accomplishing what I want in life. Yeah, I know to those who read this blog that sounds strange because I am quite accomplished professionally. And I am saved, thus on my way to Heaven. So what more do I want? Well! I want friends. TRUE friends. I've got a ton of facebook friends. But none of them know me. And in my personal life I have a ton of people I can hang out with. My social calendar is rarely empty. But I'm not 100% the real me with those folks.*** I want "Know-I-get-overwhelmed-with-sensory-overload-but-still-loves-me-anyway" friends. I want a man who will be my life partner even though I don't always "get it" and by nature am just a sweet, amicable, lady.**

And self-hatred. I never realized how much I hated myself! And in the process, gave off a vibe that I hated other people, even though I really love them. I have been so critical and not accepting of my own faults (which sub-consciously translate into less love from others) and so demanding of my own perfection that I pushed away the very people I loved.

So I am asking the Lord to help me be characterized by love. LOVE.

Love for myself and others. But I'm starting with myself. Love for myself in spite of my faults and frailties. Love for myself even though I'm not perfect. Love for myself even though I feel I was handicapped by my upbringing (how many mothers do you know left their babies alone in a corner every night so they could run a bar?). Love for who I am and what I've accomplished. Love for ME because God so loved ME that He gave His only begotten Son that I might have life- abundant live NOW and also in the world to come.

I may have seemed very calm on the exterior, but inside filled with this self-loathing. I have made good progress trying to catch the internal dialogue "You're so STUPID!" when I make a mistake and replace it with "You're still learning- pay better attention next time." As I learn to love -not hate- myself, I find that I am much nicer to others. And I'm happier. I'm taking baby steps (with the Lord's help), but at least I'm moving forward.

- Paris




* I am NOT making excuses for how many NTs treat "different" people mean. I'm just accepting the fact that if you are different, if you don't always understand what's going on, if you are a little slow in some areas (even though you are brilliant in others) something about you triggers the beast in them. This beast treats you bad, takes advantage of you, preys on every bit of weakness it can find in you and has absolutely no remorse in doing so. I don't understand this. It just is.

** For the non-dating, you might be surprised to discover that guys don't want sweet nice girls. They want spicy girls. Girls with a quick wit, who are clever and sexy. I'm pretty good looking, but it takes awhile for me to process some things so I will never be quick-witted, and even worse: I prefer to reserve most spiciness for after the wedding ;-) and, well, that pretty much guarantees I'll be single til the Lord returns!

*** We often complain that we can't be the "real us" with anyone. But the truth of the matter is, neither can NTs. Their relationships are often less intense than ours, very superficial, and that's all they get. And they only get that by suppressing their true selves. That's why they cherish the rare moments they can let loose.

Do Aspies Need Healing? Aren't we OK as we are?

A new acquaintance left this comment on my facebook page:

i feel that God made us for who we are jsut sometiems we need alittle more help but we not need to be fixed . some christians treid to pray for a healing which was ncie of them but i dont need a healing God has helped me allready so.. how do you feel about this?

My reply got me stirred up, so I thought I'd post it here:

Hi XXXXXX, sorry I've been offline so long! I don't know if all Aspies need "fixing" but I know that some of us, myself included, have needed God's power in their lives.

I know some Aspies who just needed to learn some social and emotion management skills. I wouldn't tell them they need a "healing" per se.

I know others (where they fall on the Aspie/Autie scale I don't know) who can't manage money or live their lives without extreme anxiety.

I had a counselor tell me last year that because I had made such good progress in adapting to the NT world that she wasn't sure I was on the spectrum after all, that her opinion is that my Aspie-like symptoms were the result of childhood neglect. When your mom brags about leaving you in a corner so she can run her bar, or brags about how she never played with you, I can certainly say neglect played a role.

But the bottom line is there is an extreme anger and anxiety that used to rise up in me at the slightest provocation, and sometimes with NO provocation, and I do believe that it is only the Spirit of God dwelling in me that has diminished the effect of this imbalance.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law." Gal 5:22-23

These are the things that become more prevalent in our lives as we walk in the Spirit. For many Aspies, the fruits of joy, peace and longsuffering are lacking... and in many cases, love (true, gentle, love for one's self and for others), is lacking too.

As we walk longer with the Lord, His Spirit bears more fruit in our lives and that fruit is the above mentioned things like joy and peace. And as Aspies get more joy and peace etc, their behavior becomes more "normal" and so some consider that a healing.

Then there is the healing like when Jesus laid hands on the blind, the maniac, the suffering and healed them. This kind of healing also happens in my church today.

But the bottom line is we all have a right to be happy with ourselves how we are. Many of us (NTs included) find that we increase happiness by changing our behaviors or thinking patters to match society. But if you enjoy your live without such "bending" then who am I to tell you that you need a healing?

The more I thought about this, the more I thought it deserves more attention, and I intend to write more on this. But I'm still trying to make time for my travel-related posts, so it might be awhile.

For Aspies reading this blog: Think about your life. Are you HAPPY??? I was not happy until I changed some of my behaviors to fit in better (and keep a job better). But I also wasn't happy when I tried to change TOO MUCH to be like others. I am who I am. I have simply learned to coexist and try to minimize how often I offend others. But I don't enjoy loud chaotic environments and that will likely never change. So I don't try to be a party girl. I don't try to like movie theaters or wild parties. I'm still me. I just "blend in" better.

If you're happy great! If you're not, think about what kind of life you want and see what it will take to get you there. Whether you need "healing" or not depends heavily on whether or not you are happy with your life and whether you feel the Lord is calling you to change.

For parents reading this blog: Please ask yourself if your child is happy. If s/he is, and s/he has the skills to continue being happy throughout adult hood, kindly consider leaving them alone. They may not need healing or fixing. They may just be different.

Regular readers to my forum, facebook, and blog posts are probably tired of this example but it's the best one I have: years ago I was berated for telling an NT mom that it's no big deal if her son doesn't play football, never goes to prom. She was very upset that his Aspieness would prevent him from having a "normal" senior year. I tried, unsuccessfully, to explain to her that chances are those things weren't important to HIM... only to HER. She should first see if he even cared before stressing out over it. She couldn't see my point. I could see hers all to well, because my least favorite thing to hear my mom saying was, "Why can't you be more NORMAL??" My attempts to do the things she actually WANTED me to do (get a boyfriend, go to parties, skip school like normal kids) all got me into trouble. Why couldn't she just be happy that I was a studious little bookworm who liked to keep to herself? Today I make more money than all of my siblings and while my life isn't perfect I'm pretty happy too.

WOW that's so much more than I intended to say... but it's heartfelt and I hope it blesses someone.

The Lord is a Great Travel Partner

I’ve done a lot of traveling over the last couple months, and one thing I have to say about the Lord is He is an AWESOME travel partner. When I listen to the Spirit, I am led in ways my natural intellect just can't fathom. The Lord helps me (when I'm obedient!) know when to keep my mouth shut (a lot!), what question to ask, how to wait so I can come up with the best response. And how to observe others in the meetings so I better pinpoint the buzzwords and "majority opinion" that would make my viewpoints more acceptable to them. The Lord has helped me do a good job (and get paid) during my travels, and to not only be courteous but enjoyable to those around me which has resulted in many travel perks.

Sure, normal people don't have to rehearse things in their head like some of us Aspies do. I could be upset about that, or I could praise God that He came into my life and is now leading me and guiding me.

I have another medium-length trip coming up. After that, I will hopefully get to post the blog notes I’ve written during my travels. I've got blog posts written in my journal on such great topics as face recognition, nonverbal communication, sound overload, and other goodies I observed while traveling. Stay tuned!

Been a Long Time, But The Lord is Keeping Me

Hi everyone... it's been awhile since I logged in here. I've spent the last two months moving to a new state, new job, new life. I have many "blog posts" pent up in my journal, and hopefully soon I'll get my new life settled and be able to post them.

The bottom line is, I'm doing well and thankful that the Lord is keeping me. I didn't want this move, fought it kicking and screaming, but now I see that it is the hand of the Lord.

God Bless You!

Paris