Why People Take Advantage of Me

I've been doing a series called "You Think You're So Perfect" this month. One thing I talked about was the fact that:

By always having a story to match what they are talking about, I appear to be bragging. This is not my intent. But it doesn't matter. They don't hear, "Wow, I'm so excited to meet you- we have SO much in common!" What they "hear" is that Paris thinks she is better than me. Sometimes they "hear" Paris is so rude that she has no respect for me and my accomplishments!

Now, sometimes when we talk a lot about ourselves, or try to connect with people who have similar experiences by telling our stories, they interpret that as bragging or trying to put them down.

That’s bad, because we can lose friends this way and not even know why.

But there’s something else I want to warn my fellow Aspies about: Sometimes when we do this, people interpret our storytelling as a sign that we must really feel bad about ourselves. They think we are trying too hard for their approval and that means they can take advantage of us. Or, if we are prone to a little exaggeration in our storytelling, they think maybe we’re not “all there in the head” and figure they can get away with doing us wrong.

Then they add us to the list of people they can take advantage of, and they start asking us to do stuff for them that they could do themselves. Or, even worse, we start getting friendly invitations that are really veiled request for us to do something for them.

For example, they ask if we want to go to the mall and hang out. But, we always have to drive.

Or they invite us out to dinner, but forget their wallet so we have to pay. We actually DON’T have to pay! But we think that’s what friends do. And this person seems to be a friend, and we don’t want to jeopardize our new, budding, friendship.

If you get caught in that situation, I’d like to share with you what I do even though I try not to get in these situations anymore by not being very giving. By that I mean, I don’t give cash anymore. I don’t buy things for people unless I really know them and like them. I don’t let people borrow my stuff unless they are really good friends I’ve known a long time, and even then I don’t let them borrow stuff I really want back (because I know I might not ever get it back).

But if I find that a new friendship is more like a “usership” then I stop it by being unavailable.

For example, they ask if we want to go to the mall but I always have to drive, then when they call I might say, “Sure, I’d like to hang out but I’ll have to meet you there. Sorry, I can’t come get you.” It’s even better if I’m already out and about and can use that as an excuse.

Or, if someone invites me to dinner but doesn’t have money to pay, I might cover it if I have room in the budget. If I don’t, I politely say, “I’m sorry, but I only have enough to cover mine, but I’ll help you wash dishes or whatever the staff wants us to do.” Usually they “discover” another card or “find” some money in their pocket. I’ve never had to wash dishes. They really had the money, but were really taking advantage of me.

A friend did this to me one time, but I liked her, so I paid and said it was no big deal. I didn’t stop taking her phone calls, or get mad and say I was going to stop being her friend. But, the next time she wanted to go out, told her when we made plans over the phone that I only had enough funds to cover my portion of the meal. She canceled and we haven’t been out since.

Sometimes we don’t want to do this, because we feel like it makes us look less in their eyes. If you’re out with your coworkers, maybe it’s worth it to let them “take advantage” of you a little bit so you can be “part of the team.” If you’re too independent at work, they won’t like you and it will be hard to get promoted or get along with the team. But even then, coworkers often gang up to take advantage of people (like most of my readers) who aren’t good at social cues. And I've fallen into that trap more times than I wish to count! It's hard not to, because we don't want to appear disagreeable.

So please be careful of the impression you give off. And if you feel like someone is taking advantage of you, stop them. Don’t make excuses for not giving them what they want. Most of the time, they KNOW they are being unreasonable and while they SAY something mean to you so they can save face, deep inside they know you're right.

It’s more important to your well being, your self esteem, and your financial bottom line to spend your time, energy, and money doing what YOU want, not wasting it on what others want. And, BELIEVE IT OR NOT their respect for you goes UP when you put a stop to it.

You Think You're So Perfect, Part 4

So I've been doing a series called "You Think You're So Perfect" this month. Here's a quote I'd like to expand upon:

By always having a story to match what they are talking about, I appear to be bragging. This is not my intent. But it doesn't matter. They don't hear, "Wow, I'm so excited to meet you- we have SO much in common!" What they "hear" is that Paris thinks she is better than me. Sometimes they "hear" Paris is so rude that she has no respect for me and my accomplishments!

I learned this about 10 or so years ago when I had run into an old college friend who had just started working in my office. We were talking with a group of our coworkers when he started telling a story about his dad almost getting blown up by a terrorist bomb. I was so shocked because we'd been friends in college and I didn't know he shared my experience! Few people had. I asked if he'd been in XYZ country at the time, and began to tell him about what happened to my dad. He looked at me. Looked at my coworkers. And said, very calmly, "I was trying to tell a story. Are you done stealing my limelight?"

You see, he didn't hear "Wow, this girl is really excited to find someone else in the world who knows what it's like to live where terrorist bombs can blow you up." Instead, what he heard is, "Here I am, trying to make friends in my new workcenter and this girl is trying to show me up and make me look bad."

And I didn't realize that to everyone else, I was appearing to cut him down, prevent him from joining the group. That's not what I was trying to do (this was my old college buddy who I was quite fond of!), but that's how it looked to him and the group.

Whether we are NT or Aspie, others don't always think the same way we do. So our job is to figure out how they think and then behave so their mind translates our words and behaviors into the message we really want to give.

And for most people that means trying not to give the impression that we think we're perfect or better than them.

You Think You're So Perfect, Part 3

One more thought from a quote from my post You Think You're So Perfect, Don't You??

People who are too perfect don't make friends. I have some friends I can talk about that stuff with, but not most of them.

I don't *truly* understand why but accept that the above quote is true. When you're around people who aren't as pretty, accomplished, "good," or experienced, they feel terribly flawed. Part of what I don't understand** is because at the same time, I'm looking at their ability to "read between the lines" and pick up on social cues that I don't see and *I'm* feeling terribly flawed.

Even at church the other day- a group of folks who don't drink were passing around a rum cake. They were all joking about how it takes them back to old times when they used to drink. They were commenting on how strong the cake was. I didn't know what they were talking about so when it came to me, I said, "yum, smells like cake!" They all burst out laughing and teased me about alcohol. They thought I was trying to be funny by pretending I didn't smell the rum, and they liked the joke.

Only it wasn't a joke! I asked if that's what they were talking about- the rum, and told them I didn't smell it. They passed the cake back to me and were shocked that I couldn't smell the rum. I honestly tell you it just smelled like cake. When they quizzed me a bit and discovered that I rarely drank growing up and really, honestly, had no idea what part of the cake smelled like rum, the whole atmosphere changed.

It's happened before- people stiffen up, they draw back from you. You know you've said something wrong, but you usually don't know what. Only, this time I knew because I've been in this situation before. Usually with church folks, strangely.

So I made some comment about how, "well, I never was a drinker or smoker, but I was still deep in SIN." The mood lightened and the rest of the evening was fun.

But it still goes to show: You can't be too "perfect" or too "different" around NTs. They take too great offense.

You Think You're So Perfect, Part 2

My last post dealt with how most people don’t like to be around perfect people. And how sometimes we give off the impression that we think we are perfect or how we just naturally have "good" habits that make others feel bad about themselves.

I don't get it, but I accept it and try to deal with it.

In this post, I'd like to point out how my thinking differs from the bulk of the population on this. I have more Aspie friends who think like me, so I hope this post will help them (and you) understand some of the differences.

I like being around people who are better than me. It inspires me. Unless they’re the kind that rub my nose in it. I don’t like being around THOSE meanies, but most of the awesome people I know aren’t that mean. They're proud of themselves and enjoy being around people like me who think highly of them and aren't trying to bring them down.

When you're around people who aren't as pretty, accomplished, "good," or experienced, they feel terribly flawed. I have this problem a lot, and I don’t understand why because I’m not perfect! At the same time they think I’m looking down on them, I'm actually looking at their ability to "read between the lines" and pick up on social cues that I don't see and *I'm* feeling terribly flawed.

I don't understand how people are like that, because I DON'T say to myself, "Gee, that person is so awesome and can hear 10 conversations at once. They never forget a face -or a name- and they don't go into sensory overload. They have their lives handed to them on a silver platter and I have to work for every drop of happiness I get. So I hate them."

Instead, I say, "Gee, that person is so awesome and can hear 10 conversations at once. They never forget a face -or a name- and they don't go into sensory overload. Their life does seem to be a lot easier than mine- seems like I have to work for every drop of happiness I get. I wish I could have had that life growing up, but I'm doing pretty good with the life I have. I wonder if they have something cool to teach me, so let's see if they want to grab a coffee"

I DON'T look at a beautiful woman and say, "Gee she is so thin, blond, and gorgeous and all the guys flock to her. I hate her!"

Instead, I say, "Gee she is so thin, blond, and gorgeous and all the guys flock to her. I know I'll never be thin or blond, but her earrings are cute so I'll ask her where she got 'em! And she probably doesn't feel beautiful because all the guys who approach her probably just want sex, and that actually makes you feel REALLY bad inside, so I'll find something to compliment her on and brighten her day."

And I really do say that even though I know most guys like tall, thin, blond girls and I'll never be one. I don't take my sadness at being short, dark, and plump into my interactions with the tall, blonde, and thin girl. She can't help being tall and beautiful. It's a genetic gift. I can't help that I would look bad if I bleached my hair blonde, but I can work with what I've got.

But most girls don't think that way.

Hm, there was a point to all this when I started writing... there really was! Oh, yeah: I just want to remind everyone that we all think differently. Whether we are NT or Aspie, others don't always think the same way we do. So our job is to figure out how they think and then behave so their mind translates our words and behaviors into the message we really want to give.

And for most people that means trying not to give the impression that we think we're perfect.

You Think You're So Perfect, Don't You??

This is so true- but was a tough lesson for me to learn!

What's wrong with being imperfect? Perfect wouldn't be perfect, would it? ...In case you really don't know....Nobody likes somebody like that -- somebody "perfect" would make everyone feel terribly flawed. So perfect is actually imperfect. If you are imperfect with plenty to improve and a motivation to steadily improve yourself, you're probably as perfect as possible."

I was the kind of kid who never did anything "wrong." You tell me a rule, and I would never break it. I had plenty of social faux-pas, still do, but I've always been a rule follower. I didn't drink before 21. I didn't drive before I had a permit. I never snuck out of my parents house. I never snuck into a club. I've never been high. I didn't go where I knew the kids were doing drugs. I've never skipped school. I had straight As.

I went to college free. I have a great job. And now, thanks to some image counseling early in my career, I'm good looking too so I appear to have it all.*

And I've always been the kind of person to go all-out and learn how to be the best in whatever sport/game/endeavor I'm currently focused on. So when you talk about art, I can reach back to my art phase and talk about my first prizes in art contests. You talk about writing, and I can talk about my published books. You talk about extreme sports, I can talk about skydiving, snowboarding, etc. You talk about third world, I can talk about living in Asia eating dinner picked off the trees outside. You talk about terrorism, I can talk about terrorist bomb that blew up my dad's office (good thing he was late that day) and the protesters camped outside my house during the war. You talk about Berlin, I can show you my piece of the wall. You talk about half the countries in existence, I can pull out my photo album and show you when I was there.

I can talk about all that. But I don’t.

Why? Because when I do so, people think I'm too perfect! Granted, I'm not all those things at once, and I'm really not even that awesome in real life but the fact I've lived in most continents and done more stuff in my lifetime than 10 people put together.

And you know what? People who are too perfect don't make friends. I have some friends I can talk about that stuff with, but not most of them.

I don't *truly* understand why but accept that the above quote is true. When you're around people who aren't as pretty, accomplished, "good," or experienced, they feel terribly flawed. Part of what I don't understand** is because at the same time, I'm looking at their ability to "read between the lines" and pick up on social cues that I don't see and *I'm* feeling terribly flawed.

But my flaws are different.

I’ve boiled it down to two ways that my interactions with people remind them of their flaws (which makes them not want to be around me):

1. By pointing out that I don't share certain of their flaws (no drinking, never smoked, never fornicated, etc) I am communicating to them that I think I am better them. This is not true. But this is what they "hear." They are wrong. But them being wrong doesn't matter. What matters is that they "hear" Paris think she is better than us.

2. By always having a story to match what they are talking about, I appear to be bragging. This is not my intent. But it doesn't matter. They don't hear, "Wow, I'm so excited to meet you- we have SO much in common!" What they "hear" is that Paris thinks she is better than me. Sometimes they "hear" Paris is so rude that she has no respect for me and my accomplishments!

Even now I have to be careful not to fall into old habits. When I say something and suddenly people stiffen up, they draw back from me, the "air" gets tense/uncomfortable, or the conversation starts to die down, I review what I've said to see if I’ve said something explosive or offensive. Then I look to see if it's appearing to them that I am trying to seem perfect. And if it looks like they are taking it to mean I think I am better than them, I throw in some sort of gentle fault and see if that perks things up.

I also try not to win all the time which is getting easier as I get older and not so good at the games anymore because I don't have time to practice! But still from time to time I get on a winning streak and when that happens, I purposefully punctuate that streak with losses.

I have more friends who are accepting of me than ever in my life, but the bottom line is, no one likes a know-it-all, and most people don't like to be around someone who gives off the impression that they are perfect.



Oh, to give credit where credit is due... I got that quote from this website today. I almost hate to admit I was doing this, but I was researching self-esteem. A comment on What Women Never Hear (I can't find it now) said you can't improve self-esteem and I was doing research on that. I actually think you can, and think I did. But am I just fooling myself? After all, when I get sad about myself I REALLY get sad. That's a whole 'nother post!

* Ha ha, as an aside, I wonder if the NTs reading this are saying, “boy this girl is too full of herself! I’m not going to read any more of this.” And, I wonder if the Aspies are saying, “She sounds like someone cool to know! I’m going to read more, then pick her brain to see what I can learn.”

** This is another one of those things that I, as an Aspie, don't understand. I just accept it and try to live with it.

Gotta Stop Hating Myself

This has truly been a month of tears. But in a good way: The Lord has been opening my eyes to so many hurts since even my youngest memories. I've been reviewing these events, analyzing them for lessons I can learn, and finally feeling the grief/anger/sadness I never allowed myself to feel all these years.

Many hurts over the years were in response to my own behavior. I'm thinking of the many "Take advantage of me" messages I didn't realize I was sending out to NTs that triggered their less-than-ideal treatment of me.* And, the times when I meant to communicate one thought/feeling/message but through a combination of poor non-verbal communication, poor word choice, and sometimes poor behavior (for example, laughing when I am very sad, or yawning when I am exercising very hard)

But some hurts have been external. Realizing that my parents, both (IMHO) wired with ASD tendencies themselves, were at times incapable of providing the love I needed and at other times made choices to their benefit that hindered all of their children.

But as I reflect on these memories, I come to the conclusion that I don't want to be ruled by anxiety, fear, self-hatred.

Anxiety of doing or saying the wrong thing. I have so little approval (and love) from others that I am constantly fearful of blowing it, doing something stupid, saying something that makes no sense, and thus losing what little approval (or love) I receive.

Fear of never accomplishing what I want in life. Yeah, I know to those who read this blog that sounds strange because I am quite accomplished professionally. And I am saved, thus on my way to Heaven. So what more do I want? Well! I want friends. TRUE friends. I've got a ton of facebook friends. But none of them know me. And in my personal life I have a ton of people I can hang out with. My social calendar is rarely empty. But I'm not 100% the real me with those folks.*** I want "Know-I-get-overwhelmed-with-sensory-overload-but-still-loves-me-anyway" friends. I want a man who will be my life partner even though I don't always "get it" and by nature am just a sweet, amicable, lady.**

And self-hatred. I never realized how much I hated myself! And in the process, gave off a vibe that I hated other people, even though I really love them. I have been so critical and not accepting of my own faults (which sub-consciously translate into less love from others) and so demanding of my own perfection that I pushed away the very people I loved.

So I am asking the Lord to help me be characterized by love. LOVE.

Love for myself and others. But I'm starting with myself. Love for myself in spite of my faults and frailties. Love for myself even though I'm not perfect. Love for myself even though I feel I was handicapped by my upbringing (how many mothers do you know left their babies alone in a corner every night so they could run a bar?). Love for who I am and what I've accomplished. Love for ME because God so loved ME that He gave His only begotten Son that I might have life- abundant live NOW and also in the world to come.

I may have seemed very calm on the exterior, but inside filled with this self-loathing. I have made good progress trying to catch the internal dialogue "You're so STUPID!" when I make a mistake and replace it with "You're still learning- pay better attention next time." As I learn to love -not hate- myself, I find that I am much nicer to others. And I'm happier. I'm taking baby steps (with the Lord's help), but at least I'm moving forward.

- Paris




* I am NOT making excuses for how many NTs treat "different" people mean. I'm just accepting the fact that if you are different, if you don't always understand what's going on, if you are a little slow in some areas (even though you are brilliant in others) something about you triggers the beast in them. This beast treats you bad, takes advantage of you, preys on every bit of weakness it can find in you and has absolutely no remorse in doing so. I don't understand this. It just is.

** For the non-dating, you might be surprised to discover that guys don't want sweet nice girls. They want spicy girls. Girls with a quick wit, who are clever and sexy. I'm pretty good looking, but it takes awhile for me to process some things so I will never be quick-witted, and even worse: I prefer to reserve most spiciness for after the wedding ;-) and, well, that pretty much guarantees I'll be single til the Lord returns!

*** We often complain that we can't be the "real us" with anyone. But the truth of the matter is, neither can NTs. Their relationships are often less intense than ours, very superficial, and that's all they get. And they only get that by suppressing their true selves. That's why they cherish the rare moments they can let loose.