A House Divided, Part 2

On ChristianMingle.com, I took the "Colors" test and found out that I am a core Red (power, gets things done efficentily, wants to be in control). I also found out that I'm almost as strongly blue (intimacy, want to love and be loved by others). I found an interesting quote about people like me:

What if you're purple

Hartman states unequivocally, “The most difficult color combination within one individual is the mixture of Red and Blue.” The reason a Blue-Red combination is such a difficult personality is that the Red and Blue core motives are in direct conflict. The example Hartman used is that a Blue-Red will delegate a task and be cutthroat about getting the job done (Red characteristic), only to feel guilty about it later (Blue characteristic).

Conflict.

A House Divided.

That is the struggle I am overcoming.

I want to be who I am, but feel guilty knowing that means going against the grain of this world and worrying about the impact of my individuality on my son.

I want to be holy, but feel bad because a holy lifestyle condemns others (even church-goers) without my even opening up my mouth.

I don't want to continue living in conflict, being embarrassed about who I am but not desiring to be like others in some ways and unable to change in others.

But the Lord didn't come for us to live in conflict! He came that we might have life and that more abundantly!

Lord help me life a life that honors YOU free from the burdens of man-made guilt-induced conflict.

A House Divided

Today, while studying scripture, I came across Lk 11:17, where Jesus says "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house divided against a house falleth."

Now, this particular passage is when then Pharisees are trying to acuse Jesus of casting out devils by the power of the devil, but today I saw the proverb from a totally unique perpspective, and thougth I'd share it with you.

A house divided against itself defeats itself. If I am "the house," am I taking actions against myself? I used to. I used to do the following things:

Said I wanted to lose weight, but then ate uncontrollably when I was upset or stressed

Said I wanted to keep my life organized, but came home and dumped papers wherever convenient (but then usually couldn't find them again!)

Said I wanted to ensure my bills were paid on time but then when the bill came in, I lumped it in with the rest of the mail and then somehow forgot it?

Professed my love to someone and then turned around and screamed at them for some stupid little thing.

In short, I was opposing myself! Defeating my own goals! Talking out both sides of my mouth! Making myself miserable through behavior which hindered my goals and my relationship.

These are all behaviors I have overcome in the last year of self-discovery, but I feel some of them (like the eating) creeping back in.

Thankfully, the Lord will give me strength (through His Holy Spirit) to resist the urge to oppose myself so that I don't become, once again, a house divided.