Painful Sex (Lovemaking? Whatever you call it)

Just had this comment on the Christian Nympho post.  I typed a rather long response and would like to share it with you in case you or your partner is not enjoying your intimate times.

I am so sorry you're having such trouble with penetration. I found it very painful too the first year or so I was married. 

Your husband is getting frustrated, so he must not realize HE can do a lot to make things better.  For one, he can read "She Comes First" about how to get you truly ready for penetration and how to bring you enjoyment so you'll actually get something out of the sexual act.  For two, most women don't generate the natural lubricant that makes sex easier unless the man has been good and loving to them.  Husbands complain all day long, but never seem to realize that step one is treating their wives better!

I was married for over 10 years and never got enjoyment out of sex for three reasons:

1. I had been abused as a child and had no arousal until the Lord delivered me of that hurt.

2.  I needed to learn my body.**   A woman's body doesn't work like a man's and many men get angry because they expect a woman is like them - couple of rubs and he's done.  Well, she's not like him.  Her body takes a lot more work to get sexual enjoyment and what works for her can change from day to day. 

3.  My husband was mean to me, and that dried up all of my arousal.  For awhile I thought I was dysfunctional because even after the Lord healed the hurt of my childhood and I began to feel arousal, it would rarely come from my husband.  The few times I'd feel aroused were when some other guy was nice to me. I'd have to stay away from that other guy and pray and fast for those feelings to go away so I wouldn't risk falling into adultery.

Finally I figured it out!  IT was because he was so mean. He would only be nice when he thought about making love.  He would read an article that says "women are like crock pots, it takes them all day to heat up" so he would say he loved me in the morning and send me an email at lunch.  But woven around those things was an air of disrespect and an obvious "I'm only saying/doing these things because I want to make love tonight," which totally had the opposite effect: it made me LESS interested in spending that time with him.

I wish more men figured out that if they would treat their wives lovingly that even if she weren't into lovemaking herself, she would be more likely to want to please him in that area.

**Also, the reason I learned my body in the first place was through reading "Woman's Orgasm" which outlines a plan for helping women have one if they never have before. There's some things in that book I don't like (as a Christian - for, example, thinking of a hot star while exploring yourself...that just sounds adulterous to me), but you can skip over steps you don't like and still get a lot out of the book!

Still mad, but at least I learned a trick for making friends

I'm not feeling better today. I'm actually feeling worse.  Talking with an NT friend really hurt: not only does her mind keep track of so many things I never could hope to keep track of, but she kept using "special" the way people used to use "retard" and it really hurts to think someone close to me feels that way about those with mental disabilities.

I don't feel like writing about the "special" term. Maybe I'll do that later.  Nothing's wrong with being "special."  Many of my best friends are "special." 

The good part of our conversation, though, is learning a trick for getting people to like you more:

My friend is amazing with remembering an incredible amount of information about people she'd just met. I mean, she knew their familes names, their histories, all that stuff. I wouldn't have ever even TRIED to remember all that because I already know I wouldn't be able to do it.  But then I watched her during her visit this week and I see that's why everyone likes her!  She remembers everything about them and she shows she cares about them by weaving what she remembers in the conversation.

Lesson for Aspies:  Though you may not care about someone's great aunt and their dog's cataracts, remembering those things and bringing them up at appropriate times will help them like you.  If you are like me and can't remember those kinds of details to save your life, then you can try what I'm starting to do:  When I'm done with a conversation, I put info about the person into my phone.

So for example: I went to the car shop last week.  I put the car shop info in my phone and used the "notes" field to add details on the people who worked there.  Bob (fake name) owns the place, bought it 5 years ago, rides a harley.  Jackie (his wife) likes to garden.  Bezo (the old hairy guy) smokes and is mean. Now, a week later, I call back and get Jackie. I talk business (is my car ready yet?) and then after I'm done with business I ask her if she has tomatoes this year.  My tomatoes are growing like crazy.  Did you plant tomatoes? No? What did you plant this year?

Do I really care if she has a garden? Probably not. I mean, don't get me wrong! I love hearing about everyone's gardens because I get great ideas!  But I'm usually always in a rush. So that's not why I'm taking extra time to ask about her garden.  The real reason I'm asking is because this is the foundation for forming relationships with people.  People like to feel like you are interested in them, that you like them.  They like to feel smart, funny, beautiful around you.  So you can use that tendency to help form relationships.  When you form relationships with people, and when you do this life goes much more smoothly.  They help you more.  They give you more information.  They go look in the back for what you need rather than say "if it's not on the shelf, then we're out."

I hear some Aspies saying, "but that's being fake!"  Not so fast!  By showing interest in them, yo are making them feel better about themselves.  Don't you feel happier when someone asks your expertise on something or when they ask you how you're doing?  This is the same principal. 

Now most Aspies I know will do a job for you whether they like you or not.  Many NTs aren't that way.  If an NT likes you, he will go through great lengths to try and get you what you need.  If an NT doesn't like you, then he may not help at all (even if he COULD help, and even if it's their JOB to help).  So you're not being fake. You're genuinely wanting to make this person feel good about themselves around you because that ultimately helps YOU.

I've been using the "phone trick" to keep track of my real friends too.  Birthdays, likes, dislikes, whatever was bothering them last night (so in a week or two I can loop back and ask them "how is that going).  It's really helping!!

I hate being so stupid.

This is not going to be a happy post.  If you need happy, please come back some other time.

I hate feeling so stupid. I hate sitting in meetings not realizing what is going on. I hate talking with two other women and they start laughing because they know I've lost track of what they are saying. I hate knowing the guys at work are playing verbal tricks on me but a) not being fast enough to pick up on it in time or b) even if I do pick up on it not being fast enough with a snappy comeback.

I know I'm awesome in many ways.  Unfortunately, mental processing is not one of them. I can visualize great interstellar theories and work physics problems that take 15 pages to solve, but I cannot "read between the lines" or understand the minute intricacies of how the NT mind works.

I know, with a head knowledge, that I am awesome and that God thinks I am awesome.  But my heart doesn't feel awesome. It feels like an outsider. A lame outsider always looking in, but always some gap between me and the rest of the world. 

I know I'll feel better tomorrow.