I hate being so stupid.

This is not going to be a happy post.  If you need happy, please come back some other time.

I hate feeling so stupid. I hate sitting in meetings not realizing what is going on. I hate talking with two other women and they start laughing because they know I've lost track of what they are saying. I hate knowing the guys at work are playing verbal tricks on me but a) not being fast enough to pick up on it in time or b) even if I do pick up on it not being fast enough with a snappy comeback.

I know I'm awesome in many ways.  Unfortunately, mental processing is not one of them. I can visualize great interstellar theories and work physics problems that take 15 pages to solve, but I cannot "read between the lines" or understand the minute intricacies of how the NT mind works.

I know, with a head knowledge, that I am awesome and that God thinks I am awesome.  But my heart doesn't feel awesome. It feels like an outsider. A lame outsider always looking in, but always some gap between me and the rest of the world. 

I know I'll feel better tomorrow.