Asperger’s people generally have a lot of trouble with
social anxiety and many don't like to make eye contact. About 10 years ago, I got my first managerial
job and it required me to be more of a people person. Eye contact was SOOO painful for me! And random chit chat? WHY??
Why should I pretend to care about your cat?? Ugh!!
Anyway, I had to learn how to be more comfortable with
eye contact and random chit-chat or I was gonna lose this job. Here is my
strategy for how to "practice" being social by progression. I still have some days where I’m bad at this,
but more good days than bad and so I have given this strategy to many young
adult Aspies with great success. I hope it helps you!!
For each of these do as much as you can handle and have
time for: 5, 10, 20 minutes. The key is
to do these practice behaviors consistently (at least once a week) until you
get better. It took me about a year to be able to look people in the eyes and
say hi, and another year to get comfortable initiating chit-chat with
strangers. In the beginning, I also said a lot of dumb stuff (oops) and had
people looking at me crazy. You get
better over time- so don’t give up!
1. Walk around Walmart/Target/etc and practice looking
people in the eye as you walk past them.
Drive to a nearby town if you don't want friends/coworkers/peers to see
you.
2. Walk around
Walmart/Target/etc and both look people in the eye and smile as you walk past
them
3. Same thing,
just add saying "Hi"
4. Once you're
comfortable with the above, walk around any store (again, if you’re scared out
of your mind do this in another town or a place where people don’t know you!!)
and approach people looking for something in the shelves. Before you approach them, have a conversation
topic handy that gives a good reason for you interrupting them.
For example: You’re
in the spice aisle, and there’s a lady looking around. She doesn’t look like she’s in a rush, so you
pick up a spice blend and ask her, “Excuse me, have you tried this before?” You could also ask if she’s tried this brand
before. If it’s a tall guy, you could
ask him to get something from a high shelf for you (even if you don’t really
need it- the clerk can help you put it back later or, if it’s not perishable,
you can just leave it at the checkout). Don’t just pick the first person you see for
this!! Pick someone who is more likely
to give you a good experience by looking for those who seem peaceful and happy
and not in a rush. If they look angry or agitated, or if their kids are
screaming, don’t practice on them. They’ll
probably just be mean to you, and that would hurt.
**The key here is to practice talking to random
people. This can be very painful! It was for me!! Just spend 5, 10, 20 minutes a session and it
will work wonders for you!
5. Once you are comfortable
talking to someone “in context” (that is, it would seem reasonable for you to
ask for help or advice in context of shopping) now it’s time to be random. Yep. You’re going to practice making random
conversation with anyone around you: in the elevator, in line at the checkout,
waiting for the metro, wherever you and someone else are “stuck together” for a
few minutes.
I know, I know, you probably feel like this is going to
be a waste of your time! It’s not and
here’s why: Over the years I’ve become
pretty good at doing this. Not only has
it helped me professionally (that is, I get better jobs now) but it’s also
helped me get along with people who can help me in my daily life. See, before I learned to make chit-chat with
people it seemed like everyone was so mean to me. If I went into a store and
asked for help, seemed like they didn’t want to help me. If I went to a new church, none of the young
adults would talk to me. I didn’t
understand why because I’m such a nice, caring person. Well, I don’t understand WHY but I do know
that being able to make this kind of chit-chat with random strangers totally
changes them into people who WANT to help you.
I’ve learned a lot about cool things chit-chatting with strangers in
line at the grocery store. I’ve gotten freebies from chit-chatting with waiters
and other service agents. Finally, the
BIGGEST benefit with all of this for me is it’s made it easier for me to make
friends and engage in romantic relationships.
I used to stress out so bad I would look for any reason not to go out
with a guy (and then beat myself up about no guys wanting me!!). This reason alone is well worth the pain and
anxiety of working through these steps.
Like I said above, I still have my bad days. I have days
where I can’t make eye contact with anyone in the store, but those days are
rare.
If this has helped you, please comment and let me know!
Thanks,
Paris
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