So... tonight at 318Live, my little Peanut was a bit wild. Translation: overtired. He was whirling around, flapping his arms, and exhibiting autistic traits I hadn't seen in awhile in this extremely sociable, usually well behaved little man. I was a bit frustrated at first because I really liked the praise and worship songs they were singing this time, and wanted to get into it. But since he was overtired I knew my best bet was to jump in the water with him, calm him down, and help him get to sleep.
As he alternated between pressing my hands hard to his ears and giving my hands an abundance of kisses, I reflected back on how he was over 2 years old before he purposely gave me a hug. Over 4 years old before he actually said "I love you" without it being a mimicked my response to my having said so.
As I began to thank God for his over-the-top displays of love (which sometimes drives me crazy now, lol!) I realized that for every time I have to take him to a back corner, so he can whirl around and flap his arms, I have 20+ times of awesome behavior that always garners compliments like, "my, how very well behaved your son is."
Finally, I remembered how I cried out for 8 years to the Lord to heal my body so that I could have a child. This is always where the Spirit takes me back to, when I get overwhelmed with parenting ;-)
I left 318 that night, not only with a heart for the mission we raised funds for (HelloSomebody), but also with a heart full of gratitude for the great God who gave me a wonderful, bright, intelligent, loving little boy.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
My Baby Boy Loves Me
guest post by Janine Wiggins:
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Loving Ourselves
Quick thought for today... I was browsing an old self-help book on building self esteem. Wish I could find the title for you. One thing she mentioned stuck out to me because it's something I'm currently focusing on: Loving myself.
We need to love ourselves.
This is hard, sometimes, because we may never have experienced real love from our parents, so-called friends, etc. But I've been working on accepting myself (faults included) and loving myself. And her chapter actually outlined what I'm doing along with a few tips and tricks. I will have to get that book for you, but in the meantime, here's what I wanted to share:
Every day:
1. Tell yourself, I am worthy of being loved.
2. Be your own best friend.
3. During the day compliment yourself at least once.
4. At the end of the day, if there's something you're mad about yourself for, or have been beating yourself up over, tell yourself "I forgive you for {insert whatever it was you're mad at yourself for}"
When we begin to internalize that we are worthy of being loved, people who will actually love us (not just use us) will be attracted to our lives.
We need to love ourselves.
This is hard, sometimes, because we may never have experienced real love from our parents, so-called friends, etc. But I've been working on accepting myself (faults included) and loving myself. And her chapter actually outlined what I'm doing along with a few tips and tricks. I will have to get that book for you, but in the meantime, here's what I wanted to share:
Every day:
1. Tell yourself, I am worthy of being loved.
2. Be your own best friend.
3. During the day compliment yourself at least once.
4. At the end of the day, if there's something you're mad about yourself for, or have been beating yourself up over, tell yourself "I forgive you for {insert whatever it was you're mad at yourself for}"
When we begin to internalize that we are worthy of being loved, people who will actually love us (not just use us) will be attracted to our lives.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I don't take care of *me* I can't take care of my son
I just responded to a comment left last week, and I was surprised to see that my last post was back in March.
It shouldn't have been a surprise, though, because I've been traveling a lot for my new job and that takes a LOT of energy out of me. I replied to that commenter "I have much higher travel commitment than I'm used to. That's part of why I don't post here or on fb as much as I used to- I just don't have the energy to post anything other than pity parties lately, and that's not helpful for anyone, lol!"
What is helpful for anyone reading this is that I am not beating myself up about not doing all that I would like to. And I hope that if you are having to trim your life of some things (whether permanently or temporarily) that you are gentle and loving with yourself about it.
I've accepted the fact that I only have so much energy, and I have to pick and choose where it goes: God, taking care of me, taking care of my son, my job. Yep, in that order- yes, I know some mammas will take issue with me putting myself before my son, but I've realized if I don't take care of *me* I will be unable to take care of my son. This may not hold true for other, more capagle, more energetic, more NT (lol) mammas out there.
What does taking care of *me* look like?
Gotta make sure I eat right, which means allowing time to both cook AND clean up later
Gotta exercise (ugh, but it helps my mood and my waistline)
Gotta get enough sleep (yes, I'm going to bed in 5 minutes!)
Gotta make sure I have a clean house and clothes (because if I let the clutter build up, then it overwhelms and paralyzes me and takes WAY MORE effort to clean than if I just attacked it a little bit each day)
And finally, I must budget adequate time for proper grooming, which improves the way other people treat me as well as the way I feel about myself.
It shouldn't have been a surprise, though, because I've been traveling a lot for my new job and that takes a LOT of energy out of me. I replied to that commenter "I have much higher travel commitment than I'm used to. That's part of why I don't post here or on fb as much as I used to- I just don't have the energy to post anything other than pity parties lately, and that's not helpful for anyone, lol!"
What is helpful for anyone reading this is that I am not beating myself up about not doing all that I would like to. And I hope that if you are having to trim your life of some things (whether permanently or temporarily) that you are gentle and loving with yourself about it.
I've accepted the fact that I only have so much energy, and I have to pick and choose where it goes: God, taking care of me, taking care of my son, my job. Yep, in that order- yes, I know some mammas will take issue with me putting myself before my son, but I've realized if I don't take care of *me* I will be unable to take care of my son. This may not hold true for other, more capagle, more energetic, more NT (lol) mammas out there.
What does taking care of *me* look like?
Gotta make sure I eat right, which means allowing time to both cook AND clean up later
Gotta exercise (ugh, but it helps my mood and my waistline)
Gotta get enough sleep (yes, I'm going to bed in 5 minutes!)
Gotta make sure I have a clean house and clothes (because if I let the clutter build up, then it overwhelms and paralyzes me and takes WAY MORE effort to clean than if I just attacked it a little bit each day)
And finally, I must budget adequate time for proper grooming, which improves the way other people treat me as well as the way I feel about myself.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
If I do everything for everyone, there's nothing left for ME
"I have to remind myself that if I do everything for everyone, then I won't have any energy to be there for people in the future."
I really liked this comment "Intellectual Christian Geek" left on my Boundaries post, and just thought I'd highlight its wisdom.
Our energy, time, resources are not infinite. 5 minutes I spend helping Person A is 5 less minutes I have available to help Person B, or 5 minutes less I have available to do something nice for myself.
The $50 I allow Person C to guilt-trip me out of is $50 less I have to spend on my kid's art supplies or new clothes.
With God's help, I'm learning that serving Him doesn't mean giving others ALL of my available time, energy, resources.
Sometimes, the best way to take care of ourselves is to guard our energy so we don't spend it on activities that bring us no real joy or benefit. And to guard our time, so we don't fill it up with frivolity and then later not have enough time to take care of what's really important. And to guard our resources (money, stuff) so we don't end up surprised later when we have nothing to show for all our effort.
I really liked this comment "Intellectual Christian Geek" left on my Boundaries post, and just thought I'd highlight its wisdom.
Our energy, time, resources are not infinite. 5 minutes I spend helping Person A is 5 less minutes I have available to help Person B, or 5 minutes less I have available to do something nice for myself.
The $50 I allow Person C to guilt-trip me out of is $50 less I have to spend on my kid's art supplies or new clothes.
With God's help, I'm learning that serving Him doesn't mean giving others ALL of my available time, energy, resources.
Sometimes, the best way to take care of ourselves is to guard our energy so we don't spend it on activities that bring us no real joy or benefit. And to guard our time, so we don't fill it up with frivolity and then later not have enough time to take care of what's really important. And to guard our resources (money, stuff) so we don't end up surprised later when we have nothing to show for all our effort.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Another Man Will Come Along Soon Enough
Today I discovered Mr. Man's myspace page. In the 4 months we were dating, I didn't even know he HAD a myspace page. He never used a computer around me, and though he needed one for work I just assumed he wasn't an "online" kind of guy. But he logged in yesterday to myspace, according to his myspace page.
(If you missed the "Mr. Man" saga, my previous posts Where's *MY* Reward, HUH?? and Had An Adult Breakdown Today...But Recovered will give you a few details.
The picture, though not one of his best, took my heart away. He's so gorgeous. And I spent the next hour obsessing over how I could friend him, because his profile was private.
But then I took a cold, hard, look at him, and surprised myself by saying, "He was an awesome man. But another one will come along soon enough." It sounds silly, but I really wasn't expecting to feel that way.
Praise God! I think I'm actually starting to get over him!
(If you missed the "Mr. Man" saga, my previous posts Where's *MY* Reward, HUH?? and Had An Adult Breakdown Today...But Recovered will give you a few details.
The picture, though not one of his best, took my heart away. He's so gorgeous. And I spent the next hour obsessing over how I could friend him, because his profile was private.
But then I took a cold, hard, look at him, and surprised myself by saying, "He was an awesome man. But another one will come along soon enough." It sounds silly, but I really wasn't expecting to feel that way.
Praise God! I think I'm actually starting to get over him!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Yoga Makes Me Cry
Well, it finally happened. I broke down in tears during yoga.
I've been going to yoga* for about two months now, and each time I see myself in the mirror, I am so filled with sadness, anger, and self-loathing. With the Spirit's help, I'm slowly learning to truly love myself (even my faulty parts), yet in yoga my mind slows down enough for anger at the childhood and genetics that caused me to be deficient in self-love to rise to the surface. I get sad knowing I have these handicaps to overcome through no fault of my own. I get angry at the handicaps themselves and the effect they've had on my life.
I especially get upset at my appearance. I look at all the thin, flexible people in that class and, even though I hold my poses pretty well, I can't stand what I see in that mirror.
This doesn't happen in other classes. Step, weights, kickboxing. I am powerful in all of them, typically one of the top performers, even though I'm a size 16. On the track, I run fast and look good (so I'm told).
But in yoga, somehow, I come face to face with who I am. And who I can never be.
I see that my clothes never fit right- they always make me look fatter than my kickboxing or running clothes. Funny how most of the time, they ARE my kickboxing or running clothes. So what's up with the yoga mirror?
Instead of seeing the wonderful person who lost almost 50 pounds, I see the size 22 I used to be. The fatty no one liked, and everyone treated like was so dumb and lazy. I see the grown woman who still struggles with adolescent social concepts- who is learning in her 4th decade what others learned before high-school. I see the mind that doesn't quite follow others, ears that get lost in a sea of voices, the eyes that don't quite express to others what I really feel, leading them to think I'm angry, disappointed, condescending when I'm not.
I see everything about me that makes me "not good enough," "undesirable," "useless." words that echo in my subconscious and produce in me a desire I must always fight to please too many people, to ingratiate myself so maybe they'll accept me and be my friends.
And so yesterday I broke down in tears about halfway through my yoga class. And I realized that in spite of all my accomplishments, I have never truly loved myself. I always hated being a who I was. I hated being a goody-two-shoes. I wanted to be "bad" like others. Just let loose, let my hair down, and have some fun. Yet, even as an adult, I can't bring myself to break "the rules." I get angry that I can't just turn my conscience off and relax like "normal" people. I get mad that, deep down inside, I don't really WANT to. I just want people to accept me. And they don't accept you when you're different- even if that different means living a good, clean, godly life.
But what good is that? All I'm doing is hurting my own self!
I made up my mind that, with the Lord's help, I would stop being so hard on myself. I would celebrate my victories instead of beating myself up for what is largely out of my control. And I would be gentle and loving- something I've yet to receive from my family. I believe I can do it! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
* For those who are spiritually inclined, I resisted going to yoga for years because too many yoga instructors I met were over-emphasizing the spiritual aspect (which often feels opposed to the Holy Spirit). This yoga instructor does not. She simply leads us through the poses and cautions us to mind our breathing and thought patterns. My intention for each "practice" as they call it is "to honor God through proper care of my body," and I'm very glad to have found her class because it's done wonders for my nerve problems and flexibility.
I've been going to yoga* for about two months now, and each time I see myself in the mirror, I am so filled with sadness, anger, and self-loathing. With the Spirit's help, I'm slowly learning to truly love myself (even my faulty parts), yet in yoga my mind slows down enough for anger at the childhood and genetics that caused me to be deficient in self-love to rise to the surface. I get sad knowing I have these handicaps to overcome through no fault of my own. I get angry at the handicaps themselves and the effect they've had on my life.
I especially get upset at my appearance. I look at all the thin, flexible people in that class and, even though I hold my poses pretty well, I can't stand what I see in that mirror.
This doesn't happen in other classes. Step, weights, kickboxing. I am powerful in all of them, typically one of the top performers, even though I'm a size 16. On the track, I run fast and look good (so I'm told).
But in yoga, somehow, I come face to face with who I am. And who I can never be.
I see that my clothes never fit right- they always make me look fatter than my kickboxing or running clothes. Funny how most of the time, they ARE my kickboxing or running clothes. So what's up with the yoga mirror?
Instead of seeing the wonderful person who lost almost 50 pounds, I see the size 22 I used to be. The fatty no one liked, and everyone treated like was so dumb and lazy. I see the grown woman who still struggles with adolescent social concepts- who is learning in her 4th decade what others learned before high-school. I see the mind that doesn't quite follow others, ears that get lost in a sea of voices, the eyes that don't quite express to others what I really feel, leading them to think I'm angry, disappointed, condescending when I'm not.
I see everything about me that makes me "not good enough," "undesirable," "useless." words that echo in my subconscious and produce in me a desire I must always fight to please too many people, to ingratiate myself so maybe they'll accept me and be my friends.
And so yesterday I broke down in tears about halfway through my yoga class. And I realized that in spite of all my accomplishments, I have never truly loved myself. I always hated being a who I was. I hated being a goody-two-shoes. I wanted to be "bad" like others. Just let loose, let my hair down, and have some fun. Yet, even as an adult, I can't bring myself to break "the rules." I get angry that I can't just turn my conscience off and relax like "normal" people. I get mad that, deep down inside, I don't really WANT to. I just want people to accept me. And they don't accept you when you're different- even if that different means living a good, clean, godly life.
But what good is that? All I'm doing is hurting my own self!
I made up my mind that, with the Lord's help, I would stop being so hard on myself. I would celebrate my victories instead of beating myself up for what is largely out of my control. And I would be gentle and loving- something I've yet to receive from my family. I believe I can do it! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
* For those who are spiritually inclined, I resisted going to yoga for years because too many yoga instructors I met were over-emphasizing the spiritual aspect (which often feels opposed to the Holy Spirit). This yoga instructor does not. She simply leads us through the poses and cautions us to mind our breathing and thought patterns. My intention for each "practice" as they call it is "to honor God through proper care of my body," and I'm very glad to have found her class because it's done wonders for my nerve problems and flexibility.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Had An Adult Breakdown Today...But Recovered
I can't believe it. I actually had a meltdown today. In public. With my son, who had started a meltdown phase himself. We both made a scene. The good news is, I realized what was happening and removed us from public view quickly. I'm just so shocked and appalled at myself! But I'm glad we "recovered" quickly.
The long version:
My son and I were playing at the fountain today. He loves the fountain in our swanky new mall. We usually sit there for about 20-30 minutes while he splashes around. Free entertainment.
Well, the weather was warm so there were a lot of people there today. That was problem number one.
Both of us were overtired-were up too late last night. That was problem number two.
But I had promised him the fountain and even though circumstances led to us being a couple hours later than I wanted (problem number 3) he insisted I hold to my promise
I should have just driven us home. I felt like we were quickly approaching our respective edges and when road construction had me detour for over half an hour I was too through. Note to self: a disappointed toddler's tantrum at home is better than both of you having one in public. Next time you feel like you should go home... GO HOME... thus problem #4 is listening to a toddler rather than to my gut.
There were lots of people around so I had to greatly restrict his splashing but we adjusted and had a good time. In fact, we had too good of a time because I eventually forgot that I was a) a grown woman and b) a senior manager in my new job and was soon running around the fountain like a toddler, playing with my son. It was lots of fun, and I don't really regret that but lots of people were there, including some in my organization and the raised eyebrows were probably not worth it.
We had fun though. Sometimes my son and I get lost in each other and I just have to remember how it looks to other people!!*
But THEN I saw Mr. Man. He and his buddies were looking at me, shaking their heads (my mind interpreted it as disgust and ascribed the thoughts "look at her making a fool of herself" even though IRL I have no clue what they were thinking...they could have been discussing the dinner they just had for all I know). I toned down my "playing" both because I was getting weird stares from other people and mostly because I really, really, wanted Mr. Man to come say hi. He's a bit of a gansta type, and it occurred to me that it was not "cool" for his girl to be acting that way. Not that I'm his girl anymore. Sigh. And I didn't care what anyone though of us til he showed up.
My son was getting testy- talking back, being willfully disobedient, getting more and more belligerent about my splashing restrictions. Really he was tired and I should have took him home. But now that Mr. Man showed up, I was rooted to the spot and spent the next 5-7 minutes watching him out the corner of my eye, trying to be slick since I had sunglasses on. He stopped watching us and left. That was the straw that broke the camels back.
He wasn't supposed to do that! He was supposed to walk over, apologize for breaking up with me, and scoop me up in his arms. My hurt, anger, and frustration came pouring out the next time my son said something rude to me and I lost it. The good news is, as soon as I started yelling at him, I realized I was overreacting and quickly removed us to a vending booth no longer being used.
I made him sit down for a few minutes while I paced around, pretending to be on my cell phone, calming down. Then we made our way to the car. He was upset but I told him, look we are both acting mean. That means we are wound up and need to calm down. When we get like this, we need to go to our rooms and calm down because it's not nice for us to be like this around other people. If you are not calm by time we get home, you will go to your room and finish calming down. And if mommy is not calm, she will go to her room.
We came home and both promptly fell asleep. I'm still stunned that I lost control like that today in public, but I'm at least glad I got us out of there before I could do something that might make my boss regret giving me this new job. Usually, when I feel myself losing control I hurry home so I can try and calm down before it happens. Or, if I still lose it, I'm at least at home in my private place.
If any of my readers don't mind commenting... I'd love to hear how you know a meltdown is coming on and what you do to prevent/deal with it.
** We're getting better about our public appearance though, with rules like "we can blow milk bubbles at home, and we can make IIIAA faces at home, but not out in public because other people will think we're weird."
The long version:
My son and I were playing at the fountain today. He loves the fountain in our swanky new mall. We usually sit there for about 20-30 minutes while he splashes around. Free entertainment.
Well, the weather was warm so there were a lot of people there today. That was problem number one.
Both of us were overtired-were up too late last night. That was problem number two.
But I had promised him the fountain and even though circumstances led to us being a couple hours later than I wanted (problem number 3) he insisted I hold to my promise
I should have just driven us home. I felt like we were quickly approaching our respective edges and when road construction had me detour for over half an hour I was too through. Note to self: a disappointed toddler's tantrum at home is better than both of you having one in public. Next time you feel like you should go home... GO HOME... thus problem #4 is listening to a toddler rather than to my gut.
There were lots of people around so I had to greatly restrict his splashing but we adjusted and had a good time. In fact, we had too good of a time because I eventually forgot that I was a) a grown woman and b) a senior manager in my new job and was soon running around the fountain like a toddler, playing with my son. It was lots of fun, and I don't really regret that but lots of people were there, including some in my organization and the raised eyebrows were probably not worth it.
We had fun though. Sometimes my son and I get lost in each other and I just have to remember how it looks to other people!!*
But THEN I saw Mr. Man. He and his buddies were looking at me, shaking their heads (my mind interpreted it as disgust and ascribed the thoughts "look at her making a fool of herself" even though IRL I have no clue what they were thinking...they could have been discussing the dinner they just had for all I know). I toned down my "playing" both because I was getting weird stares from other people and mostly because I really, really, wanted Mr. Man to come say hi. He's a bit of a gansta type, and it occurred to me that it was not "cool" for his girl to be acting that way. Not that I'm his girl anymore. Sigh. And I didn't care what anyone though of us til he showed up.
My son was getting testy- talking back, being willfully disobedient, getting more and more belligerent about my splashing restrictions. Really he was tired and I should have took him home. But now that Mr. Man showed up, I was rooted to the spot and spent the next 5-7 minutes watching him out the corner of my eye, trying to be slick since I had sunglasses on. He stopped watching us and left. That was the straw that broke the camels back.
He wasn't supposed to do that! He was supposed to walk over, apologize for breaking up with me, and scoop me up in his arms. My hurt, anger, and frustration came pouring out the next time my son said something rude to me and I lost it. The good news is, as soon as I started yelling at him, I realized I was overreacting and quickly removed us to a vending booth no longer being used.
I made him sit down for a few minutes while I paced around, pretending to be on my cell phone, calming down. Then we made our way to the car. He was upset but I told him, look we are both acting mean. That means we are wound up and need to calm down. When we get like this, we need to go to our rooms and calm down because it's not nice for us to be like this around other people. If you are not calm by time we get home, you will go to your room and finish calming down. And if mommy is not calm, she will go to her room.
We came home and both promptly fell asleep. I'm still stunned that I lost control like that today in public, but I'm at least glad I got us out of there before I could do something that might make my boss regret giving me this new job. Usually, when I feel myself losing control I hurry home so I can try and calm down before it happens. Or, if I still lose it, I'm at least at home in my private place.
If any of my readers don't mind commenting... I'd love to hear how you know a meltdown is coming on and what you do to prevent/deal with it.
** We're getting better about our public appearance though, with rules like "we can blow milk bubbles at home, and we can make IIIAA faces at home, but not out in public because other people will think we're weird."
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