He Said "I Love You Mommy!"

I'm so estatic, I can't believe it...

No, it's not the first time I've heard these words, because as you might have read in my "My First Hug" post, he has been saying "I love you" as a mimicked response to my saying "I love you" since he was about 2.5 years old.

But NOW he has started saying, unprompted, "I love you Mommy!" A couple times it was at awkward random moments,and I wondered if he was just testing for a response, and then repeating behavior which garnered a good response, but most of the time it occurred during "us time." We might be snuggling together, eating together, watching a movie, etc. Often, when he's said it, he throws his little arms around me and then gives me a kiss too.

He's 4.5 years old, and this is music to my ears!!!

Praise God!

A House Divided, Part 2

On ChristianMingle.com, I took the "Colors" test and found out that I am a core Red (power, gets things done efficentily, wants to be in control). I also found out that I'm almost as strongly blue (intimacy, want to love and be loved by others). I found an interesting quote about people like me:

What if you're purple

Hartman states unequivocally, “The most difficult color combination within one individual is the mixture of Red and Blue.” The reason a Blue-Red combination is such a difficult personality is that the Red and Blue core motives are in direct conflict. The example Hartman used is that a Blue-Red will delegate a task and be cutthroat about getting the job done (Red characteristic), only to feel guilty about it later (Blue characteristic).

Conflict.

A House Divided.

That is the struggle I am overcoming.

I want to be who I am, but feel guilty knowing that means going against the grain of this world and worrying about the impact of my individuality on my son.

I want to be holy, but feel bad because a holy lifestyle condemns others (even church-goers) without my even opening up my mouth.

I don't want to continue living in conflict, being embarrassed about who I am but not desiring to be like others in some ways and unable to change in others.

But the Lord didn't come for us to live in conflict! He came that we might have life and that more abundantly!

Lord help me life a life that honors YOU free from the burdens of man-made guilt-induced conflict.

A House Divided

Today, while studying scripture, I came across Lk 11:17, where Jesus says "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house divided against a house falleth."

Now, this particular passage is when then Pharisees are trying to acuse Jesus of casting out devils by the power of the devil, but today I saw the proverb from a totally unique perpspective, and thougth I'd share it with you.

A house divided against itself defeats itself. If I am "the house," am I taking actions against myself? I used to. I used to do the following things:

Said I wanted to lose weight, but then ate uncontrollably when I was upset or stressed

Said I wanted to keep my life organized, but came home and dumped papers wherever convenient (but then usually couldn't find them again!)

Said I wanted to ensure my bills were paid on time but then when the bill came in, I lumped it in with the rest of the mail and then somehow forgot it?

Professed my love to someone and then turned around and screamed at them for some stupid little thing.

In short, I was opposing myself! Defeating my own goals! Talking out both sides of my mouth! Making myself miserable through behavior which hindered my goals and my relationship.

These are all behaviors I have overcome in the last year of self-discovery, but I feel some of them (like the eating) creeping back in.

Thankfully, the Lord will give me strength (through His Holy Spirit) to resist the urge to oppose myself so that I don't become, once again, a house divided.

Why God Wants You To Take Care Of Yourself

I'm currently watching Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind. At one point she goes on a slight tangent about taking care of ourselves -and why we DON'T that really hit home with me:

You only get one body… You can’t go somewhere and order another one…You destroy this one, you’re out!

God wants to work through you; and if you destroy your health and you destroy your body, then He can’t do anything through you either. So you’re cheating yourself, you’re cheating Him, you’re cheating the people around you that God wants to use you to bless.

I think a lot of people don’t take good care of themselves b/c they got a bad attitude toward themselves they don’t think they’re worthy of doing the things they need to do to take care of themselves properly.

Some of you think that all you’re good for is work, work, work, work, all the time you grew up in an atmosphere where the only time people were happy with you was when you were working and producing. And the devil’s got you convinced that to enjoy your life is carnal and a sin. READ John 10:10

WOW! Jesus came that we might have life and that more abundantly!!!

But, especially for those of us with social impairment, we have found that people only "liked" us when we were working hard to please them or make them look good or doing something for them. And so we run ourselves into the ground trying to prove our worth for other PEOPLE, instead of guarding ourselves, and protecting ourselves, so we have enough energy to be used by HIM.

If you are interested in watching her video or reading it's accompanying book, here's the links:

Getting Along With Others

Being personable makes a WORLD of difference in what behavior workplace peers will tolerate.

And the great thing about us as Aspies is, if we can make "being sociable" our special interest for a time, then we can learn how to get along with people. It's not easy at all, and I find it very draining. BUT it can be done! We can learn from research (internet, etiquette, tv, etc), from interacting with each other (this group, our families, AAGW meetings and other "safe" places), and from PRACTICE.

I am a BIG fan of practice. I used to really hate travel, because I always like things to be the same and to be routine. BUT I now look forward to traveling for my job because each trip is a no-harm-no-foul way to practice meeting people, making them feel special, and getting them to talk about themselves. Those, along with the confidence it takes to strike up a conversation with a total stranger, are some of the skills it takes to get along with others.

If I'm not tired and on people overload, I practice talking to the people on the airplane. The shuttle driver, the person who does my tickets/keys/waitress, etc. I know I won't likely see these people ever again, so if I mess up then it's ok. I won't have impacted my life or my son's life.

The problem, at least for ME is: I can read articles/research all I want, but for some reason it takes practice, practice, practice to be able to learn social cues and learn when I've stepped on someone's toes. I'm getting much better, but sometimes I still act like an ape (such as calling someone out in front of everyone who was bringing outside food into Teaism). If any of you knew me 7 years ago, you'd definitely say I was 100% improved.

I find that reality tv helps, LOL, though I rarely have time to watch it.

This year is the first year I can say that I've done really well talking to people and "getting along with people" more times than I've flubbed it. I've learned a lot of interesting things about people I never would have learned, and it's just more pleasant than sitting by yourself lonely.

I wrote the above on an aspie-only message board where we were talking about how important it is to get along on the job. In spite of my other posts about being lonely, I have learned to make friends and get along with people. I can go somewhere and chat up someone and hang out for an evening and "not be alone."

BUT, what I need to work on now is developing close friendships- the kind where you can bare your soul and know that the person still accepts you the way you are. And for most of my life, I never cared about that (is that an Aspie trait?) but now I do. The "experts" say it takes about 2 years to fully vet someone and know that they are trustworthy enough to be in your "inner circle." So I'll keep being personable, keep being friendly, and keep retreating when I get into "people overload" rather than have a public meltdown), and maybe in a couple years, I'll have the close friendships I see others have.

So unique. So Alone.

I have learned how to be friendly, and maintain a social calendar that is limited ONLY by my own personal requirement for “quiet time.” I’ve cracked the code on making friends, having fun, living the life.

Or so it seems.

Because I’m really still alone.

It’s easy to have friends when you learn to suppress some of your behaviors. Don’t talk about XYZ with this group. Don’t stim around that group. Don’t frown around most people. Don’t this. Don’t that.

Don’t look at this lunch as a social, fun time for you: look at it as work; you’re networking with the people you work with so they will help you out on the job later when you need them. You’re not shopping with the ladies from church so you can get what you want, but rather, you are shopping with them because for some reason (you still don’t understand) this makes them like you and accept you. Each of these things carry a social dimension that you’re missing, and though you don’t know WHY it works, you know that your life is easier and people help you more when you do these things with the people from job, church, community.

Smile, make small talk, ask about their mothers. Find something to compliment a person you don’t know and make it a challenge: what percentage of strangers at this gathering can you get talking for more than 2 minutes? A social checklist runs in your head, governing every interaction, and reminding you that when you get home you must log the details of your conversation, so that you will remember to ask after so-and-so’s mother and query you-know-who about their sponge hobby next time you meet.

You don’t REALLY watch movies with friends because if they get to talking, you go into sensory overload and can’t process their conversations or the speech from the movie. If you get mad, they get frustrated. So you learn how to control the meltdowns that go along with sensory overload, and go to their house to "watch movies” knowing full well you’re not going to understand anything. You know you will slip out for an extended bathroom break, or go outside to “talk” on your cell phone. But somehow they like you better when you spend time with them, and besides, you can always watch the movie later, by yourself.

When you go shopping with your “friends” you know better than to try and REALLY shop. You want to do it your way, which never seems to be their way. No one else wants to circle the mall 3 times visiting 47 stores to save $2.46 on a specific sweater. No one else wants to try on every article in the store to see if it will fit/flatter you. They just grab and go, but you’re just then getting warmed up. So you smile, and look, but you don’t really shop. You enjoy having friends, but sometimes feel alone.

But at the end of your day, all alone in your room, you realize that you are still alone. And you can go shopping for yourself, and go to dinner with yourself, and watch the shows you want to watch. But there’s no one there to watch them with. Because the minute you want to start doing YOUR stuff YOUR way, those people that filled up your social calendar melt away. Your way is too intense, too demanding, too precise, too full of minutiae, too calculating, too MUCH.

You are so unique. Will you always be alone?

Fun, But Still Alone.

I wrote the post "So Unique. So Alone." after thinking about two aspie authors who have killed themselves. It happened a long time ago and I don’t remember who they were. A Google search didn’t help me locate info on either of them so if you know who I’m talking about, please send me details. One was a lady whose book really helped me understand about being an Aspie, and the other was a young man whose aspie friendship site really helped others. I discovered them a couple years ago, after just learning about AS myself. I was shocked that someone who appeared to crack the code on friendship and getting along in an NT world would commit suicide. They had it made, right?

But one day I was sitting in my apartment. Alone. I could go to church. But I would still be alone. I can go to work tomorrow and laugh, joke, even go to lunch with my coworkers. But I would still be alone. I could go home to visit family who loves me. But I would still be alone. I can go out to meet new people, by joining a new group or trying to get closer to people I know but haven’t really hung around, because I hope that by meeting lots and lots of people I’ll eventually find some like me. But I’ve only found 1 other person who is enough like me that I can totally be myself around her; and she’s now living on another continent, so most likely I would still be alone.

So I sat there, alone. And felt the most hopeless and forlorn I had felt in a long time. In spite of all my efforts to be friendly, fill up my social calendar, and the fact that I was actually succeeding at my highly interpersonal job, I felt like there was too much missing. Like I would never be able to connect with someone in a way that was fulfilling to ALL of me. The part of me that loves the Lord AND the part of me that loves science AND the part of me that loves food AND the part of me that loves long-distance running AND the part of me that loves being a blend of two ethnic cultures AND the part of me that doesn’t like TV AND the part of me that doesn’t like movie theaters AND the part of me that loves to watch movies at home AND the part of me that likes outdoor sports AND the part of me that loves watching football AND the part of me that hates sports bars.

It sounds dumb when you read it, because none of that SHOULD be enough to make you depressed, but I didn’t want to live. I didn’t want to keep trying. I didn’t want to keep playing the NT game. I didn’t want to have to always adjust myself. It wasn’t fair. Other people didn’t have to change, why should I??? But in that instant, I discovered how others could help 1000s of other Aspies, appear to have cracked the code on how to have the good life, and yet still take their life.

I decided to pick myself up, accept the reality that my life is just going to be more of a battle than other people’s lives seemed to be (which really isn’t true- we just feel that way), and make the best out of a bad situation. Maybe I couldn’t be completely myself around others, but at least I could have fun. And I do have fun. But I have yet to feel as if I "belong," so even in the midst of my fun, I'm still alone.