Mean People. Rude People.

Though it’s never your fault when someone is rude to them (they should have better manners than that!) sometimes we make the situation worse just by nature of being Aspies.  Unfortunately, it seems to me that in the NT world, once they've labeled someone  as a jerk it’s ok to be mean to them.  Also, once they’ve labeled someone as weaker or inferior, it’s ok to take advantage of them.

I don’t feel this way.  But many NTs do.

Here are some things I’ve noticed contribute to when are people most mean to me:

They are rude to me when I can't clearly and quickly communicate what I want.  If I take 2 minutes to get out one thought, they don't have time or interest and they get mad and be rude.

They are rude to me when I am clearly interrupting.  If they are on the phone, talking with someone, etc, this is not the time to interrupt unless very, very important.  I have trouble with this because my delayed processing means I think there is a gap in the conversation sometimes and I speak only to realize they'd started talking again and now I just cut them off.  I've learned to just stop my words when I realize this, and say, "I'm sorry I thought you were done, please go on- I really wanna know what you think" and not let my pride be hurt about it.  You have to reassure them you really want to hear what they were going to say, otherwise they will think YOU are being rude.

They are rude to me when I am annoying them (even if I don’t realize it).  What makes it worse is they will never tell you that you are annoying to them!! Here are some things I did that annoy people (I still do them when stressed, but I try really hard not to):  Laugh at the end of every sentence. Talk all the time and for a long time (I have worked hard to lose the reputation of “don’t go talk to her unless you have 30 minutes to kill”).  Talk my every move out loud as I do it (“ok, now I’m gonna click this… oh, let’s see what that site says… oh yeah that’s the one I want”), pop my knuckles/neck/back alllll the time (don’t do this!), clip my nails at my desk (don’t know why they can do this but I can’t - pout - ), make lots of desk noise (rustling papers, rattling pens etc).  Have your cell phone go off all the time (put it silent or vibrate and if the vibrate is LOUD put it on silent) - even if you use your alarm to stay on task like I do this annoys them and they may never tell you.


They are rude to me when they think I am passive, weak, dumb.  Behaviors that contribute to them thinking this of me are: looking down all the time (try to sit/stand/walk with shoulders “up, back, and down” head up in a confident pose and making eye contact often), laughing at the end of every sentence (indicates nervousness), fidgeting or clenching fists (indicates nervousness or anger), temper tantrums/meltdowns, writing down every word they say in a meeting (indicates you don’t have a strong enough mind to remember the key points), not fighting back when someone does you wrong (if thy do you wrong, you have to stand up for yourself- but you gotta do it the right way).  This actually deserves it’s own point.

They are rude to me when I don’t stand up for myself.  New people at work OFTEN do what I call “testing.”  They will dog you out, make you look foolish, or say something untrue to see what you do.  Basically, they are looking to see if you a) catch what they’ve done and b) have the guts to do something about it.  For example, a new coworker poo-poohed my program in front of my boss. I know I don’t always understand what’s going on, so I didn’t jump down his throat right there but when I got back to my office I verified that my opinion was valid, sent him documentation to that effect, and then told him perhaps he’d like to spend a few weeks getting up to speed on things like this (the doc I sent him) before he blasted me in front of the boss.  He was nice to me for about 2-3 weeks, then another “test.”  Nice for 2-3 weeks and then another “test.”  Another example:  A vender said something that clearly wasn’t true according to the laws of physics.  In the past, I would just ignore it and say in my head “he doesn’t’ know what he’s talking about.” I thought I was being gracious to just let it go.  The problem is, he probably KNEW he was blowing smoke and just wanted to see if YOU were smart enough to know it.  So the first time someone says something wrong, you gotta call them on it.  Be quick about it though, don’t take 5 minutes explaining why they’re wrong- just in 1 sentence or less.  If someone really doesn’t know their stuff, pull them aside. Just make sure, if you do this, that it’s really a “right vs wrong” thing, not just something where you have your way and they have their way of doing it, or you could be labeled as an inflexible jerk.

They are rude to me when they perceive that I only talk about myself and ask about myself.  This can be tough because I tend to think if you want to tell me something you WILL so I don't ask about your weekend or your pet. I figure if you want to talk about your weekend, you will.  But NTs don't work that way.  They actually use a code to tell you they wanna tell you about their weekend. It's crazy, but the way they tell you this is not to just start talking about their weekend (what I would do) but ask you about YOURS.  They really don't want to hear about yours- they just want you to give a quick answer and say "So how was YOUR weekend" so they can tell you all about it.  Crazy.  If you're the person who always talks about you and never about them, then they feel justified being mean to you because they've now labeled you as a jerk.  And in the NT world, it’s ok to be mean to jerks.  Never mind the fact that, to most Aspies, they’re the true jerks, but that’s another story!!

They are rude to me when they realize I don't process things fast enough or that I am naive in certain areas.  One antidote to this is to NOT tell personal stories.  I recommend you do NOT talk about how this person or that person hurt you, how no one ever likes you, no one ever appreciates you, people always take advantage of you.  This marks you as a target and a manipulator, listening to all this, will soon move in to take advantage of you.  Another antidote to this is to talk as minimally as possible- basically get the other people talking much more so they don't ever find out you have trouble processing. Never mind the fact that I can calculate in my head things they will never understand, the bottom line is I'm slower in processing many things, and they will see that weakness and go in for the kill.

They are rude to me when I'm too negative.  The same complaining I mentioned above might also label you as someone who will always bring others down. People want to feel happy. They want to surround themselves with people who make them feel better about themselves.  Unless there's a particular reason they are sad (for example, their mom or pet died or they just got fired) they don't want you to be sad around them.  And even when you have a legitimate reason to be sad, they kinda want you to get over it faster than you think is reasonable.  It stinks, I know!  Again, this goes into being labeled a jerk.  If you get labeled a jerk buy influential NTs, the others at work or school will take it upon themselves to be mean to you.  Sorry.

They are rude/mean to me when they realize I have what they call “word vomit” tendencies.  To most NTs this blog post would be entirely too long.  “Ain’t nobody got time fo dat!”  If you write like I do, or if you talk like I write (which is how I talk at home) you are going to get labeled a pompous, arrogant, selfish jerk. Even though I’m none of those things.  And people aren’t going to want to have time for you.  And, again, in the NT world, if you are labeled a jerk or are in a major way different from others, it appears socially acceptable for them to be mean to you.

My experience with NTs has show me that they are VERY into themselves but resent any indication that YOU are into yourself and will often be mean/rude to those perceived as weaker or of lesser value. 

Mostly, if I can sum this up: NTs will treat you mean if you a) waste their time, b) annoy them, c) appear too into yourselves (and not enough into them) and d) appear to be less strong mentally than they are.  It is never your fault that someone is mean to you, but by being aware of the items I wrote above, you can significantly reduce the instances where people are rude to you.

Learn how to be social and overcome social anxiety!!

Asperger’s people generally have a lot of trouble with social anxiety and many don't like to make eye contact.  About 10 years ago, I got my first managerial job and it required me to be more of a people person.  Eye contact was SOOO painful for me!  And random chit chat?  WHY??  Why should I pretend to care about your cat??  Ugh!!

Anyway, I had to learn how to be more comfortable with eye contact and random chit-chat or I was gonna lose this job. Here is my strategy for how to "practice" being social by progression.  I still have some days where I’m bad at this, but more good days than bad and so I have given this strategy to many young adult Aspies with great success. I hope it helps you!!

For each of these do as much as you can handle and have time for: 5, 10, 20 minutes.  The key is to do these practice behaviors consistently (at least once a week) until you get better. It took me about a year to be able to look people in the eyes and say hi, and another year to get comfortable initiating chit-chat with strangers.  In the beginning, I  also said a lot of dumb stuff (oops) and had people looking at me crazy.  You get better over time- so don’t give up!

1. Walk around Walmart/Target/etc and practice looking people in the eye as you walk past them.  Drive to a nearby town if you don't want friends/coworkers/peers to see you.

2.  Walk around Walmart/Target/etc and both look people in the eye and smile as you walk past them

3.  Same thing, just add saying "Hi"

4.  Once you're comfortable with the above, walk around any store (again, if you’re scared out of your mind do this in another town or a place where people don’t know you!!) and approach people looking for something in the shelves.  Before you approach them, have a conversation topic handy that gives a good reason for you interrupting them. 

For example:  You’re in the spice aisle, and there’s a lady looking around.  She doesn’t look like she’s in a rush, so you pick up a spice blend and ask her, “Excuse me, have you tried this before?”  You could also ask if she’s tried this brand before.  If it’s a tall guy, you could ask him to get something from a high shelf for you (even if you don’t really need it- the clerk can help you put it back later or, if it’s not perishable, you can just leave it at the checkout).    Don’t just pick the first person you see for this!!  Pick someone who is more likely to give you a good experience by looking for those who seem peaceful and happy and not in a rush. If they look angry or agitated, or if their kids are screaming, don’t practice on them.  They’ll probably just be mean to you, and that would hurt.

**The key here is to practice talking to random people.  This can be very painful!  It was for me!!  Just spend 5, 10, 20 minutes a session and it will work wonders for you!

5.  Once you are comfortable talking to someone “in context” (that is, it would seem reasonable for you to ask for help or advice in context of shopping) now it’s time to be random. Yep.  You’re going to practice making random conversation with anyone around you: in the elevator, in line at the checkout, waiting for the metro, wherever you and someone else are “stuck together” for a few minutes.

I know, I know, you probably feel like this is going to be a waste of your time!  It’s not and here’s why:  Over the years I’ve become pretty good at doing this.  Not only has it helped me professionally (that is, I get better jobs now) but it’s also helped me get along with people who can help me in my daily life.  See, before I learned to make chit-chat with people it seemed like everyone was so mean to me. If I went into a store and asked for help, seemed like they didn’t want to help me.  If I went to a new church, none of the young adults would talk to me.  I didn’t understand why because I’m such a nice, caring person.  Well, I don’t understand WHY but I do know that being able to make this kind of chit-chat with random strangers totally changes them into people who WANT to help you.  I’ve learned a lot about cool things chit-chatting with strangers in line at the grocery store. I’ve gotten freebies from chit-chatting with waiters and other service agents.  Finally, the BIGGEST benefit with all of this for me is it’s made it easier for me to make friends and engage in romantic relationships.  I used to stress out so bad I would look for any reason not to go out with a guy (and then beat myself up about no guys wanting me!!).  This reason alone is well worth the pain and anxiety of working through these steps.

Like I said above, I still have my bad days. I have days where I can’t make eye contact with anyone in the store, but those days are rare. 

If this has helped you, please comment and let me know!

Thanks,

Paris

Ability and Sensory Tolerant Bible Study in Virginia

Hello everyone!  My best friend and I have moved to the DC area and she is starting a Bible Study. Her Bible Study will focus on teaching the Word of God and not personal agendas.  Also, she will not ostracize you for being different or stimming or any such thing. 

Please check out her facebook page, and I'll see you there!

https://www.facebook.com/KingstowneCLGI

Back in Country!!! God Bless the US of A!!!

I've had an amazing adventure overseas and can't WAIT to tell you all about it!!

My trip taxed the limiits of my ability to deal with people, that's for sure!

I will admit I had one little meltdown... well, not LITTLE because I went off on the WRONG PERSON.

Of all the people for me to meltdown on...I went off on MY BOSS!!  OOPS!!  But the trip was still successful and I just received word I will be moving back to the DC area.

So AAGW* and ASAN** here I come!!  I was there in the beginning, and I look forward to working with you both again.  Hope you guys still remember me, lol!



* Asperger Adults of Greater Washington  www.AAGW.net
**Autistic Self Advocacy Network   http://autisticadvocacy.org/

How to Fail A Job Interview

I'm flying out to another work project. The woman in the seat behind me is gabbing loudly on her cell phone. Before I can get too upset at her verbal invasion of my space, I realize she is an interviewer. She is telling her BFF about this horrible interview she just conducted. I thought I’d tell you what this guy did… DON’T DO what he did!!

1. He showed up to the interview in wrinkly clothes and smelled bad. 
2. He was visibly nervous shaking and sweating. She couldn’t stand to smell or look at him, and almost canceled the interview. I didn’t hear why she continued… but she did. 
3. She asked to see his resume and he couldn’t find it- was fumbling, dropping stuff, digging through papers trying to find it. Finally gave it to her in half crumpled b/c he was so stressed out. I don’t understand why she asked this- she should already have it- but the bottom line is, he appeared unprepared. 
4.  He stumbled and stuttered over her questions. 
5. When he realized she wasn’t going to hire him, he pleaded with her to give him a chance. 

What can we learn from this?

1. Sometimes it hurts, but looks matter! Dress appropriately for the job in clean, wrinkle-free clothes and make sure you are freshly groomed. EVEN if *YOU* don’t think it’s important, it I*IS* important to most other people that you. So shower, apply cologne if you need it, make sure your hair is done (to *THEIR* standards, not necessarily *YOURS*), brush your teeth, add makeup if you need it, trim/shave if you appear unkempt, and if your hair is shaggy get a haircut. Learn to smile naturally. This takes practice, especially for folks on the spectrum who’ve never realized they were constantly frowning. 
2. If you get nervous, find ways to PRACTICE talking in stressful situations. Being on the spectrum is often accompanied by extreme anxiety at new situations. A job interview can be really, REALLY stressful. You know that once you learn how to do the job you’ll be great at it. But the interviewer doesn’t know that. All s/he sees is someone who may be too anxious to perform needed job tasks. You can practice interviewing with friends, or even join a formal organization geared towards helping people speaking on-the-spot. Toastmasters is one such organization that’s helped me improve both my written speeches and no-notice impromptu talks. If you don’t have time or access to a Toastmasters meeting, or if you feel uncomfortable asking friends/family to help you practice, and you can also practice making small talk with strangers in the store. It’s not an interview, but it’s stressful enough to help you overcome nervousness. Another great resource that helped me is an audio called “How to make your point in 30 seconds or less.” 
3. Be prepared. Have all your paperwork in easy to find manner- whatever works for you. Some people use folders with pockets, padfolios with multiple folder pockets, 3-ring binders with tabs for each entry. Some good things to have are your resume, any articles/accomplishments you’ve had, quick notes about the company and/or the person doing the interview. The key is to make it quick. You don’t want 20 pages on every award you won in elementary and high school. Under pressure you won’t be able to find what you need to show the interviewer that you are the best fit for the job. 
4. This goes in hand with #2. Prepare! There are interview websites that list all kinds of crazy interview questions. If you don’t have a friend who can help quiz you, then use these websites to generate your own bank of questions to practice with. This is especially important for people on the spectrum with “experienced” based memories that will help you if you have at least practiced answering the question at least once. Similarly, many people with this type of memory freeze up and panic when hit with an awkward question catches them by surprise. The more you practice, the better able you will be to draw from your memory of closely related questions and answer with calm clarity. 
5. Do not beg the interviewer. If you have to beg, you’ve probably lost your chance at the job. If you know you didn’t do well at the interview, but this really is the job for you, try your best to calm down and explain (in 30 seconds or less) why you are a good fit for the job. Remember, the 2 most important things an interviewer is evaluating are 1) your ability to do the job and 2) your ability to fit in with the company’s culture (that is, get along with your coworkers). 

Sometimes being able to get along with your coworkers is even more important than how well you can do the job so make sure to smile and above all, show the interviewer that hiring you will not only profit the company, but make him/her look good as the person who selected you. After reading my little notes, I hope you’ll be the kind of person that causes an interviewer to rave about how she was blown away during your interview!! If you have a job interview coming up, I do hope you’ll let me know how it goes.

 XOXO,

Paris!

Desperately need time alone!

I've been traveling a LOT for work, so I haven't had much time to blog over the past year. I also haven't had much time to *myself* which makes it hard for me. I can only "keep up appearances" for so long. Then I need a break, time alone or with friends who accept me as I am, so I can just be myself and unwind.

Unfortunately, it seems like the better I do in my work, the more jobs I get assigned, and the less time I have for myself. I'll have to figure something out eventually.

For now, though, let me just say that I really appreciate those of you who continue to comment on my blog posts or email me to tell me what's going on in your life. Knowing my writing is helping people really keeps me energized!

Love y'all,

Paris

How to Stop Appearing to Be So Judgmental (How To Stop Coming Off Judgmental)

I lost a few friends recently. I feel sad about it. I basically told some people things about themselves that they didn't ask to hear but that I, as a true friend, felt it wrong to hold in.

I really can't describe the incidences due to privacy of the other parties, but let's just say that in one case I am right and told a coworker something that all our other coworkers wanted to but were too chicken too. I've done this in the past (such as with a particularly odoriferous coworker) and it's usually worked out for the best. This time, however, things did not work out. This is actually the first time I've had something of this nature (where I address something the whole office complains about) actually go wrong. Every other time there was some short-term discomfort, but long term peace and acceptance.

The other one, I think my intentions were pure... but my delivery was waaaay too judgmental.

The funny thing is, I don't really judge others. Not in *THAT* sense. I love everyone. I may not trust just everyone. And I may not date just anyone. But I'll hang out with just about anyone who isn't trying to involve me in anything illegal and who will accommodate my desire to stay away from things/behaviors in which I don't want to engage. For example: I don't care if you drink around me, but don't pressure *me* to drink.

As long as you let me be me, I'll let you be you.

So, I feel like I have to improve my delivery. And I went online today in search of ways to deliver my messages without coming across so judgmental.

At first, I couldn't find anything. I searched on how to stop appearing judgmental, how to stop coming off judgmental, how to prevent others from thinking you are judgmental... Nothing. So I searched, "How to stop BEING judgmental," and BINGO! A ton of websites I now need to go through.

Why is this a problem, you ask? Because most of us Aspies who care about appearing to be judgmental and want to fix it are not of the opinion that we ARE judgmental. I don't think I am. I think I just come across that way. So I'm not naturally inclined to read these because I don't want to learn how to not BE judgmental. And I certainly don't wan to listen to some better-than-me NT dripping with condescension try to teach me how I can stop being so "bad."

I'm going to go through those sites, see what I can learn, and then write some posts on it. And I'll give you examples of where people pointed out that I was judgmental (surprising me!) so you can learn from my mistakes.

In the meantime, if you have any useful advice on how someone can learn to stop appearing to be judgmental when all they are doing is expressing an alternate viewpoint, do let me know!