Back in Country!!! God Bless the US of A!!!

I've had an amazing adventure overseas and can't WAIT to tell you all about it!!

My trip taxed the limiits of my ability to deal with people, that's for sure!

I will admit I had one little meltdown... well, not LITTLE because I went off on the WRONG PERSON.

Of all the people for me to meltdown on...I went off on MY BOSS!!  OOPS!!  But the trip was still successful and I just received word I will be moving back to the DC area.

So AAGW* and ASAN** here I come!!  I was there in the beginning, and I look forward to working with you both again.  Hope you guys still remember me, lol!



* Asperger Adults of Greater Washington  www.AAGW.net
**Autistic Self Advocacy Network   http://autisticadvocacy.org/

How to Fail A Job Interview

I'm flying out to another work project. The woman in the seat behind me is gabbing loudly on her cell phone. Before I can get too upset at her verbal invasion of my space, I realize she is an interviewer. She is telling her BFF about this horrible interview she just conducted. I thought I’d tell you what this guy did… DON’T DO what he did!!

1. He showed up to the interview in wrinkly clothes and smelled bad. 
2. He was visibly nervous shaking and sweating. She couldn’t stand to smell or look at him, and almost canceled the interview. I didn’t hear why she continued… but she did. 
3. She asked to see his resume and he couldn’t find it- was fumbling, dropping stuff, digging through papers trying to find it. Finally gave it to her in half crumpled b/c he was so stressed out. I don’t understand why she asked this- she should already have it- but the bottom line is, he appeared unprepared. 
4.  He stumbled and stuttered over her questions. 
5. When he realized she wasn’t going to hire him, he pleaded with her to give him a chance. 

What can we learn from this?

1. Sometimes it hurts, but looks matter! Dress appropriately for the job in clean, wrinkle-free clothes and make sure you are freshly groomed. EVEN if *YOU* don’t think it’s important, it I*IS* important to most other people that you. So shower, apply cologne if you need it, make sure your hair is done (to *THEIR* standards, not necessarily *YOURS*), brush your teeth, add makeup if you need it, trim/shave if you appear unkempt, and if your hair is shaggy get a haircut. Learn to smile naturally. This takes practice, especially for folks on the spectrum who’ve never realized they were constantly frowning. 
2. If you get nervous, find ways to PRACTICE talking in stressful situations. Being on the spectrum is often accompanied by extreme anxiety at new situations. A job interview can be really, REALLY stressful. You know that once you learn how to do the job you’ll be great at it. But the interviewer doesn’t know that. All s/he sees is someone who may be too anxious to perform needed job tasks. You can practice interviewing with friends, or even join a formal organization geared towards helping people speaking on-the-spot. Toastmasters is one such organization that’s helped me improve both my written speeches and no-notice impromptu talks. If you don’t have time or access to a Toastmasters meeting, or if you feel uncomfortable asking friends/family to help you practice, and you can also practice making small talk with strangers in the store. It’s not an interview, but it’s stressful enough to help you overcome nervousness. Another great resource that helped me is an audio called “How to make your point in 30 seconds or less.” 
3. Be prepared. Have all your paperwork in easy to find manner- whatever works for you. Some people use folders with pockets, padfolios with multiple folder pockets, 3-ring binders with tabs for each entry. Some good things to have are your resume, any articles/accomplishments you’ve had, quick notes about the company and/or the person doing the interview. The key is to make it quick. You don’t want 20 pages on every award you won in elementary and high school. Under pressure you won’t be able to find what you need to show the interviewer that you are the best fit for the job. 
4. This goes in hand with #2. Prepare! There are interview websites that list all kinds of crazy interview questions. If you don’t have a friend who can help quiz you, then use these websites to generate your own bank of questions to practice with. This is especially important for people on the spectrum with “experienced” based memories that will help you if you have at least practiced answering the question at least once. Similarly, many people with this type of memory freeze up and panic when hit with an awkward question catches them by surprise. The more you practice, the better able you will be to draw from your memory of closely related questions and answer with calm clarity. 
5. Do not beg the interviewer. If you have to beg, you’ve probably lost your chance at the job. If you know you didn’t do well at the interview, but this really is the job for you, try your best to calm down and explain (in 30 seconds or less) why you are a good fit for the job. Remember, the 2 most important things an interviewer is evaluating are 1) your ability to do the job and 2) your ability to fit in with the company’s culture (that is, get along with your coworkers). 

Sometimes being able to get along with your coworkers is even more important than how well you can do the job so make sure to smile and above all, show the interviewer that hiring you will not only profit the company, but make him/her look good as the person who selected you. After reading my little notes, I hope you’ll be the kind of person that causes an interviewer to rave about how she was blown away during your interview!! If you have a job interview coming up, I do hope you’ll let me know how it goes.

 XOXO,

Paris!

Desperately need time alone!

I've been traveling a LOT for work, so I haven't had much time to blog over the past year. I also haven't had much time to *myself* which makes it hard for me. I can only "keep up appearances" for so long. Then I need a break, time alone or with friends who accept me as I am, so I can just be myself and unwind.

Unfortunately, it seems like the better I do in my work, the more jobs I get assigned, and the less time I have for myself. I'll have to figure something out eventually.

For now, though, let me just say that I really appreciate those of you who continue to comment on my blog posts or email me to tell me what's going on in your life. Knowing my writing is helping people really keeps me energized!

Love y'all,

Paris

How to Stop Appearing to Be So Judgmental (How To Stop Coming Off Judgmental)

I lost a few friends recently. I feel sad about it. I basically told some people things about themselves that they didn't ask to hear but that I, as a true friend, felt it wrong to hold in.

I really can't describe the incidences due to privacy of the other parties, but let's just say that in one case I am right and told a coworker something that all our other coworkers wanted to but were too chicken too. I've done this in the past (such as with a particularly odoriferous coworker) and it's usually worked out for the best. This time, however, things did not work out. This is actually the first time I've had something of this nature (where I address something the whole office complains about) actually go wrong. Every other time there was some short-term discomfort, but long term peace and acceptance.

The other one, I think my intentions were pure... but my delivery was waaaay too judgmental.

The funny thing is, I don't really judge others. Not in *THAT* sense. I love everyone. I may not trust just everyone. And I may not date just anyone. But I'll hang out with just about anyone who isn't trying to involve me in anything illegal and who will accommodate my desire to stay away from things/behaviors in which I don't want to engage. For example: I don't care if you drink around me, but don't pressure *me* to drink.

As long as you let me be me, I'll let you be you.

So, I feel like I have to improve my delivery. And I went online today in search of ways to deliver my messages without coming across so judgmental.

At first, I couldn't find anything. I searched on how to stop appearing judgmental, how to stop coming off judgmental, how to prevent others from thinking you are judgmental... Nothing. So I searched, "How to stop BEING judgmental," and BINGO! A ton of websites I now need to go through.

Why is this a problem, you ask? Because most of us Aspies who care about appearing to be judgmental and want to fix it are not of the opinion that we ARE judgmental. I don't think I am. I think I just come across that way. So I'm not naturally inclined to read these because I don't want to learn how to not BE judgmental. And I certainly don't wan to listen to some better-than-me NT dripping with condescension try to teach me how I can stop being so "bad."

I'm going to go through those sites, see what I can learn, and then write some posts on it. And I'll give you examples of where people pointed out that I was judgmental (surprising me!) so you can learn from my mistakes.

In the meantime, if you have any useful advice on how someone can learn to stop appearing to be judgmental when all they are doing is expressing an alternate viewpoint, do let me know!

Are you Fat, Dumb, or Ugly (Dr. Laura)?

The other day, I was listening to "call of the day" on Dr. Laura's website*, and she asked a young lady who was putting up with a man who didn't treat her very well, "Are you fat, dumb, or ugly?" Dr. Laura's point was that this girl must feel she is one of those three categories if she was willing to tolerate such poor treatment in her relationship. It came out that the girl was overweight, and Dr. Laura gave her some advice for improving her body as well as her body image.

My question then remains... what do you do if you feel you are in the other two categories?

If you are ugly, there ARE things you can do to improve your appearance, but if you have certain physical deformities/injuries/body weaknesses (like I do!) there's just not much you can do about it. I know there's a certain physical feature that I have that turns guys off. It's not readily visible, but if I ever get into a close relationship he will discover it. And then what? That is so scary to me!

And what if you are dumb? Or maybe not "really" dumb, but what if you, like me, are very slow at processing things? So you (like me) can comprehend great theories that hurt other peoples heads... but it takes you a longer time to do it. And when people talk to you, you have a delay before you can fully process what they are saying and appropriately respond? How do you overcome the negative self-esteem that goes along with THAT? I "fake it till you make it" well enough at work to get along and keep my good-paying job, but I don't even attempt to keep up the "I'm just as smart as you" facade off duty.

Would like your suggestions... what has worked for other people you know?

* I'm having trouble with her site, but when I find the link to this call I'll post it.

Do You Think Like Others?

Sometimes I forget that I don't think like other people.

One one hand, my mind conceives of amazing theories- math and physics are SO easy for me. I can pick up a book, read it, and know how to do whatever the book is talking about, even if no one is there to show me. I can't leap tall buildings in a single bound, I'm not faster than a speeding bullet, but my mind is an amazing computer. The stuff I comprehend makes other people's head hurt.

But on the other hand, I still don't (after 4 decades of living!) get how my friends can know every episode of every season of their favorite show, know the interactions of all these actresses and actors, love (obviously fake and poorly written) shows, talk about nothingness for hours and have a great time doing it! It makes MY head hurt!!

And, wow, how can they sit in a crowded room of 10 other ladies, 5 conversations, plus a tv show they've never seen playing, and at the end of the night know what each other said AND what happened in that TV show? If you get two separate convos going in the same room... all I hear is NOISE!

I don't get them! But I love my friends. And I'm glad they are my friends. Even though half of what they say goes over my head. I'm pretty sure half of what I say goes over their head too. Lol.

Don't be a target, patsy, or schwimp

On a private Aspie board I frequent, someone posted about apologizing over and over for the same thing.

I'd like to warn anyone else who does this why I had to learn to stop doing the exact same thing: Because when I would do that, people saw me as an easy target. They knew I guilt-tripped easily, and they used that apologetic, wants to please, wants to make everything right part of my nature to manipulate me into doing/giving stuff (favors, work, money) for them.

Three things have really helped me cut down on the number of people who manipulate me (very rarely happens now, but I'm still a big softie-always will be- so sometimes someone gets me, lol)

1. Look as confident as I can (often pretending, "fake it til you make it"
2. Don't apologize much (even if I'm wrong, and even if deep down inside I feel that huge pressure to apologize and try and "make it right")
3. Don't do things for people til I've known them for awhile (at least 6 months) and even then, try to tell them "no" every other time if not more often.

The weird thing about all this, is that when I started enacting these boundaries in my life, I thought I would lose all my friends. But what happened is I only lost my "so called friends," those people who didn't really like me, but were just pretending to like me so they could take advantage of me.


And I began attracting more quality people into my life. I still don't have as many close friends as I'd like, but now I at least have a small nucleus of folks I trust to have my best interest at heart. Couple years ago, all I had were people who would use me up and wear me out, and then not be there for me when *I* needed some help.