I lost a few friends recently. I feel sad about it. I basically told some people things about themselves that they didn't ask to hear but that I, as a true friend, felt it wrong to hold in.
I really can't describe the incidences due to privacy of the other parties, but let's just say that in one case I am right and told a coworker something that all our other coworkers wanted to but were too chicken too. I've done this in the past (such as with a particularly odoriferous coworker) and it's usually worked out for the best. This time, however, things did not work out. This is actually the first time I've had something of this nature (where I address something the whole office complains about) actually go wrong. Every other time there was some short-term discomfort, but long term peace and acceptance.
The other one, I think my intentions were pure... but my delivery was waaaay too judgmental.
The funny thing is, I don't really judge others. Not in *THAT* sense. I love everyone. I may not trust just everyone. And I may not date just anyone. But I'll hang out with just about anyone who isn't trying to involve me in anything illegal and who will accommodate my desire to stay away from things/behaviors in which I don't want to engage. For example: I don't care if you drink around me, but don't pressure *me* to drink.
As long as you let me be me, I'll let you be you.
So, I feel like I have to improve my delivery. And I went online today in search of ways to deliver my messages without coming across so judgmental.
At first, I couldn't find anything. I searched on how to stop appearing judgmental, how to stop coming off judgmental, how to prevent others from thinking you are judgmental... Nothing. So I searched, "How to stop BEING judgmental," and BINGO! A ton of websites I now need to go through.
Why is this a problem, you ask? Because most of us Aspies who care about appearing to be judgmental and want to fix it are not of the opinion that we ARE judgmental. I don't think I am. I think I just come across that way. So I'm not naturally inclined to read these because I don't want to learn how to not BE judgmental. And I certainly don't wan to listen to some better-than-me NT dripping with condescension try to teach me how I can stop being so "bad."
I'm going to go through those sites, see what I can learn, and then write some posts on it. And I'll give you examples of where people pointed out that I was judgmental (surprising me!) so you can learn from my mistakes.
In the meantime, if you have any useful advice on how someone can learn to stop appearing to be judgmental when all they are doing is expressing an alternate viewpoint, do let me know!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Are you Fat, Dumb, or Ugly (Dr. Laura)?
The other day, I was listening to "call of the day" on Dr. Laura's website*, and she asked a young lady who was putting up with a man who didn't treat her very well, "Are you fat, dumb, or ugly?" Dr. Laura's point was that this girl must feel she is one of those three categories if she was willing to tolerate such poor treatment in her relationship. It came out that the girl was overweight, and Dr. Laura gave her some advice for improving her body as well as her body image.
My question then remains... what do you do if you feel you are in the other two categories?
If you are ugly, there ARE things you can do to improve your appearance, but if you have certain physical deformities/injuries/body weaknesses (like I do!) there's just not much you can do about it. I know there's a certain physical feature that I have that turns guys off. It's not readily visible, but if I ever get into a close relationship he will discover it. And then what? That is so scary to me!
And what if you are dumb? Or maybe not "really" dumb, but what if you, like me, are very slow at processing things? So you (like me) can comprehend great theories that hurt other peoples heads... but it takes you a longer time to do it. And when people talk to you, you have a delay before you can fully process what they are saying and appropriately respond? How do you overcome the negative self-esteem that goes along with THAT? I "fake it till you make it" well enough at work to get along and keep my good-paying job, but I don't even attempt to keep up the "I'm just as smart as you" facade off duty.
Would like your suggestions... what has worked for other people you know?
* I'm having trouble with her site, but when I find the link to this call I'll post it.
My question then remains... what do you do if you feel you are in the other two categories?
If you are ugly, there ARE things you can do to improve your appearance, but if you have certain physical deformities/injuries/body weaknesses (like I do!) there's just not much you can do about it. I know there's a certain physical feature that I have that turns guys off. It's not readily visible, but if I ever get into a close relationship he will discover it. And then what? That is so scary to me!
And what if you are dumb? Or maybe not "really" dumb, but what if you, like me, are very slow at processing things? So you (like me) can comprehend great theories that hurt other peoples heads... but it takes you a longer time to do it. And when people talk to you, you have a delay before you can fully process what they are saying and appropriately respond? How do you overcome the negative self-esteem that goes along with THAT? I "fake it till you make it" well enough at work to get along and keep my good-paying job, but I don't even attempt to keep up the "I'm just as smart as you" facade off duty.
Would like your suggestions... what has worked for other people you know?
* I'm having trouble with her site, but when I find the link to this call I'll post it.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Do You Think Like Others?
Sometimes I forget that I don't think like other people.
One one hand, my mind conceives of amazing theories- math and physics are SO easy for me. I can pick up a book, read it, and know how to do whatever the book is talking about, even if no one is there to show me. I can't leap tall buildings in a single bound, I'm not faster than a speeding bullet, but my mind is an amazing computer. The stuff I comprehend makes other people's head hurt.
But on the other hand, I still don't (after 4 decades of living!) get how my friends can know every episode of every season of their favorite show, know the interactions of all these actresses and actors, love (obviously fake and poorly written) shows, talk about nothingness for hours and have a great time doing it! It makes MY head hurt!!
And, wow, how can they sit in a crowded room of 10 other ladies, 5 conversations, plus a tv show they've never seen playing, and at the end of the night know what each other said AND what happened in that TV show? If you get two separate convos going in the same room... all I hear is NOISE!
I don't get them! But I love my friends. And I'm glad they are my friends. Even though half of what they say goes over my head. I'm pretty sure half of what I say goes over their head too. Lol.
One one hand, my mind conceives of amazing theories- math and physics are SO easy for me. I can pick up a book, read it, and know how to do whatever the book is talking about, even if no one is there to show me. I can't leap tall buildings in a single bound, I'm not faster than a speeding bullet, but my mind is an amazing computer. The stuff I comprehend makes other people's head hurt.
But on the other hand, I still don't (after 4 decades of living!) get how my friends can know every episode of every season of their favorite show, know the interactions of all these actresses and actors, love (obviously fake and poorly written) shows, talk about nothingness for hours and have a great time doing it! It makes MY head hurt!!
And, wow, how can they sit in a crowded room of 10 other ladies, 5 conversations, plus a tv show they've never seen playing, and at the end of the night know what each other said AND what happened in that TV show? If you get two separate convos going in the same room... all I hear is NOISE!
I don't get them! But I love my friends. And I'm glad they are my friends. Even though half of what they say goes over my head. I'm pretty sure half of what I say goes over their head too. Lol.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Don't be a target, patsy, or schwimp
On a private Aspie board I frequent, someone posted about apologizing over and over for the same thing.
I'd like to warn anyone else who does this why I had to learn to stop doing the exact same thing: Because when I would do that, people saw me as an easy target. They knew I guilt-tripped easily, and they used that apologetic, wants to please, wants to make everything right part of my nature to manipulate me into doing/giving stuff (favors, work, money) for them.
Three things have really helped me cut down on the number of people who manipulate me (very rarely happens now, but I'm still a big softie-always will be- so sometimes someone gets me, lol)
1. Look as confident as I can (often pretending, "fake it til you make it"
2. Don't apologize much (even if I'm wrong, and even if deep down inside I feel that huge pressure to apologize and try and "make it right")
3. Don't do things for people til I've known them for awhile (at least 6 months) and even then, try to tell them "no" every other time if not more often.
The weird thing about all this, is that when I started enacting these boundaries in my life, I thought I would lose all my friends. But what happened is I only lost my "so called friends," those people who didn't really like me, but were just pretending to like me so they could take advantage of me.
And I began attracting more quality people into my life. I still don't have as many close friends as I'd like, but now I at least have a small nucleus of folks I trust to have my best interest at heart. Couple years ago, all I had were people who would use me up and wear me out, and then not be there for me when *I* needed some help.
I'd like to warn anyone else who does this why I had to learn to stop doing the exact same thing: Because when I would do that, people saw me as an easy target. They knew I guilt-tripped easily, and they used that apologetic, wants to please, wants to make everything right part of my nature to manipulate me into doing/giving stuff (favors, work, money) for them.
Three things have really helped me cut down on the number of people who manipulate me (very rarely happens now, but I'm still a big softie-always will be- so sometimes someone gets me, lol)
1. Look as confident as I can (often pretending, "fake it til you make it"
2. Don't apologize much (even if I'm wrong, and even if deep down inside I feel that huge pressure to apologize and try and "make it right")
3. Don't do things for people til I've known them for awhile (at least 6 months) and even then, try to tell them "no" every other time if not more often.
The weird thing about all this, is that when I started enacting these boundaries in my life, I thought I would lose all my friends. But what happened is I only lost my "so called friends," those people who didn't really like me, but were just pretending to like me so they could take advantage of me.
And I began attracting more quality people into my life. I still don't have as many close friends as I'd like, but now I at least have a small nucleus of folks I trust to have my best interest at heart. Couple years ago, all I had were people who would use me up and wear me out, and then not be there for me when *I* needed some help.
My Baby Boy Loves Me
guest post by Janine Wiggins:
So... tonight at 318Live, my little Peanut was a bit wild. Translation: overtired. He was whirling around, flapping his arms, and exhibiting autistic traits I hadn't seen in awhile in this extremely sociable, usually well behaved little man. I was a bit frustrated at first because I really liked the praise and worship songs they were singing this time, and wanted to get into it. But since he was overtired I knew my best bet was to jump in the water with him, calm him down, and help him get to sleep.
As he alternated between pressing my hands hard to his ears and giving my hands an abundance of kisses, I reflected back on how he was over 2 years old before he purposely gave me a hug. Over 4 years old before he actually said "I love you" without it being a mimicked my response to my having said so.
As I began to thank God for his over-the-top displays of love (which sometimes drives me crazy now, lol!) I realized that for every time I have to take him to a back corner, so he can whirl around and flap his arms, I have 20+ times of awesome behavior that always garners compliments like, "my, how very well behaved your son is."
Finally, I remembered how I cried out for 8 years to the Lord to heal my body so that I could have a child. This is always where the Spirit takes me back to, when I get overwhelmed with parenting ;-)
I left 318 that night, not only with a heart for the mission we raised funds for (HelloSomebody), but also with a heart full of gratitude for the great God who gave me a wonderful, bright, intelligent, loving little boy.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Loving Ourselves
Quick thought for today... I was browsing an old self-help book on building self esteem. Wish I could find the title for you. One thing she mentioned stuck out to me because it's something I'm currently focusing on: Loving myself.
We need to love ourselves.
This is hard, sometimes, because we may never have experienced real love from our parents, so-called friends, etc. But I've been working on accepting myself (faults included) and loving myself. And her chapter actually outlined what I'm doing along with a few tips and tricks. I will have to get that book for you, but in the meantime, here's what I wanted to share:
Every day:
1. Tell yourself, I am worthy of being loved.
2. Be your own best friend.
3. During the day compliment yourself at least once.
4. At the end of the day, if there's something you're mad about yourself for, or have been beating yourself up over, tell yourself "I forgive you for {insert whatever it was you're mad at yourself for}"
When we begin to internalize that we are worthy of being loved, people who will actually love us (not just use us) will be attracted to our lives.
We need to love ourselves.
This is hard, sometimes, because we may never have experienced real love from our parents, so-called friends, etc. But I've been working on accepting myself (faults included) and loving myself. And her chapter actually outlined what I'm doing along with a few tips and tricks. I will have to get that book for you, but in the meantime, here's what I wanted to share:
Every day:
1. Tell yourself, I am worthy of being loved.
2. Be your own best friend.
3. During the day compliment yourself at least once.
4. At the end of the day, if there's something you're mad about yourself for, or have been beating yourself up over, tell yourself "I forgive you for {insert whatever it was you're mad at yourself for}"
When we begin to internalize that we are worthy of being loved, people who will actually love us (not just use us) will be attracted to our lives.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I don't take care of *me* I can't take care of my son
I just responded to a comment left last week, and I was surprised to see that my last post was back in March.
It shouldn't have been a surprise, though, because I've been traveling a lot for my new job and that takes a LOT of energy out of me. I replied to that commenter "I have much higher travel commitment than I'm used to. That's part of why I don't post here or on fb as much as I used to- I just don't have the energy to post anything other than pity parties lately, and that's not helpful for anyone, lol!"
What is helpful for anyone reading this is that I am not beating myself up about not doing all that I would like to. And I hope that if you are having to trim your life of some things (whether permanently or temporarily) that you are gentle and loving with yourself about it.
I've accepted the fact that I only have so much energy, and I have to pick and choose where it goes: God, taking care of me, taking care of my son, my job. Yep, in that order- yes, I know some mammas will take issue with me putting myself before my son, but I've realized if I don't take care of *me* I will be unable to take care of my son. This may not hold true for other, more capagle, more energetic, more NT (lol) mammas out there.
What does taking care of *me* look like?
Gotta make sure I eat right, which means allowing time to both cook AND clean up later
Gotta exercise (ugh, but it helps my mood and my waistline)
Gotta get enough sleep (yes, I'm going to bed in 5 minutes!)
Gotta make sure I have a clean house and clothes (because if I let the clutter build up, then it overwhelms and paralyzes me and takes WAY MORE effort to clean than if I just attacked it a little bit each day)
And finally, I must budget adequate time for proper grooming, which improves the way other people treat me as well as the way I feel about myself.
It shouldn't have been a surprise, though, because I've been traveling a lot for my new job and that takes a LOT of energy out of me. I replied to that commenter "I have much higher travel commitment than I'm used to. That's part of why I don't post here or on fb as much as I used to- I just don't have the energy to post anything other than pity parties lately, and that's not helpful for anyone, lol!"
What is helpful for anyone reading this is that I am not beating myself up about not doing all that I would like to. And I hope that if you are having to trim your life of some things (whether permanently or temporarily) that you are gentle and loving with yourself about it.
I've accepted the fact that I only have so much energy, and I have to pick and choose where it goes: God, taking care of me, taking care of my son, my job. Yep, in that order- yes, I know some mammas will take issue with me putting myself before my son, but I've realized if I don't take care of *me* I will be unable to take care of my son. This may not hold true for other, more capagle, more energetic, more NT (lol) mammas out there.
What does taking care of *me* look like?
Gotta make sure I eat right, which means allowing time to both cook AND clean up later
Gotta exercise (ugh, but it helps my mood and my waistline)
Gotta get enough sleep (yes, I'm going to bed in 5 minutes!)
Gotta make sure I have a clean house and clothes (because if I let the clutter build up, then it overwhelms and paralyzes me and takes WAY MORE effort to clean than if I just attacked it a little bit each day)
And finally, I must budget adequate time for proper grooming, which improves the way other people treat me as well as the way I feel about myself.
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