School of Hard Knocks- Letter to My Friend

I just wrote this letter to an acquaintance, and thought I'd share parts of it with you (some minor edits for privacy's sake). It's neat to see how my perspective has changed over the last 9 months of being single (and the last 15 of being on my own). I've bolded some "life lessons" I've learned from all this. What do you think?

The single mom thing does get tiresome, but these days I'm realizing how much easier my life is! I think the last six weeks are the first time I actually had fun just living since I got married.

It's a long sob story, so I'll try not to bore you with every little detail, but basically I married the guy I was dating when you and I met. He changed instantly- even at our reception his dad tried to get him to dance with me, kiss me, etc but he would have none of it. He got what he wanted, and didn't have to work anymore. He knew with my religious conviction (and, at the time, low self esteem) I wouldn't leave. And he was right.

He turned out to be one of those guys who is used to mom/auntie/girlfriend taking care of him. He got kicked out of the AF, had a couple jobs, but eventually quit and wouldn't work. I put up with it for a long time (we'll do anything for someone we think loves us, won't we?) but once I began to resolve some issues from childhood, I become stronger and more confident, and also angry at having to work my primary job as well as two side businesses to pay his bills. I make good money. I really shouldn't have had to work so hard! After enough of my complaining that he needed to get a job he gave me an ultimatum: accept him as he is or leave. Well, he didn't actually plan on me leaving, but I did.

I was really hurt for awhile after all this, because after leaving I saw a side of him I never saw before. It scared me, and also strengthened my resolve to press for the divorce last year. He's very unstable, I'm glad we got out when we did. One thing that has helped me recover is now (almost a year after I left) most of our friends (who supported him, not me) are now seeing how erratic his behavior has become, because it's spilled over into his public life. It's a shame, but you can't fix people. They have to fix themselves.

The weird part is, most of my hurt and pain was not from having left him or missing him (I don't) but somewhat selfish pain of realizing all that time I thought we were in love and he was just looking for a meal ticket. And for most of my friends kicking me to the curb and supporting him (he's a well-known minister). And for not leaving that first year, when he first started getting abusive toward me (I almost did, but our counsel convinced me to stay- ugh).

The other weird thing is all this helped me realize that I have (inside) my own ability to be happy, no matter the situation. I'm not dependent on another person to make me happy. Not that I don't want to eventually find someone special, but I'm not sure you can ever know if someone is perfect for you. Some people are more compatible, which makes it easier to have a good relationship, but you just can't know if someone will go crazy 10 years from now.

This month and last were a lot of fun, and I'm amazed at how much easier it is to just have me and the boy to take care of. We've done a lot of "fun things" and also just sitting around watching movies- something I NEVER had time for before because I was too busy finding more ways to make money. I'm actually enjoying stuff rather than stressing about how much it costs (or how much I could have made if I had been out hustling instead of spending time with the boy).

I'm also enjoying being in charge of my life- though that comes at a bit of a cost: I can't blame anyone else anymore. I'm studying people (and couples especially) and I'm noticing good people attract good people. Folks with problems attract folks with problems. People who look (like I did), for someone to make their life complete and/or make them happy and/or take care of them, tend to end up with guys who promise all that in order to manipulate, use, and/or abuse them. People who are confident and maintain respectful boundaries run the risk of not having someone by their side all the time, but on the other hand are in charge of their lives and able to attract good people into their lives.

I guess that's why I say "I hope you find what you are looking for." I wonder if what you really need isn't where you moved to, but inside *you.*

2,363 Emails in my In-Box

I've been avoiding email all week. Most of it is spam- Viagra ads or Super RX. Or scam schemes, or invitations to porn.

I was going to clean it out today, until I saw the total number: 2,363 items in my in-box.

I know there's a few "real emails" in there. After all, I'm webmaster for several sites, including MarylandAutism.org, so I get service requests and such.

But I bet you this: out of all those emails, I'll bet not one is asking how my day went, or am I ok. I'm sure not one of them is anything personal or expressing any caring.

I've had a rough week. I received some bad news over the weekend, and all week I've been down. Up til yesterday, I did a good job of keeping a stiff upper lip on my job, but I know I've appeared down at church or with my (few) friends.

Problem is, most of my friends are like me- all business. Don't handle emotions well. Care, but don't know how to really help, and too uncomfortable to listen to anyone's pain for too long because there's nothing I can do about it.

And I want to whine, but who cares about my minor issues when one friend just got diagnosed w/cancer. Another's mother is dying, and another's marriage is falling apart.

I'm so glad that the Lord loves us. If I didn't have His love right now, I doubt I'd be sane. And I can at least be thankful that He is using this experience to show me what kind of friend *I* need to learn how to be... the kind of friend I wish I had right now.

He Said "I Love You Mommy!"

I'm so estatic, I can't believe it...

No, it's not the first time I've heard these words, because as you might have read in my "My First Hug" post, he has been saying "I love you" as a mimicked response to my saying "I love you" since he was about 2.5 years old.

But NOW he has started saying, unprompted, "I love you Mommy!" A couple times it was at awkward random moments,and I wondered if he was just testing for a response, and then repeating behavior which garnered a good response, but most of the time it occurred during "us time." We might be snuggling together, eating together, watching a movie, etc. Often, when he's said it, he throws his little arms around me and then gives me a kiss too.

He's 4.5 years old, and this is music to my ears!!!

Praise God!

A House Divided, Part 2

On ChristianMingle.com, I took the "Colors" test and found out that I am a core Red (power, gets things done efficentily, wants to be in control). I also found out that I'm almost as strongly blue (intimacy, want to love and be loved by others). I found an interesting quote about people like me:

What if you're purple

Hartman states unequivocally, “The most difficult color combination within one individual is the mixture of Red and Blue.” The reason a Blue-Red combination is such a difficult personality is that the Red and Blue core motives are in direct conflict. The example Hartman used is that a Blue-Red will delegate a task and be cutthroat about getting the job done (Red characteristic), only to feel guilty about it later (Blue characteristic).

Conflict.

A House Divided.

That is the struggle I am overcoming.

I want to be who I am, but feel guilty knowing that means going against the grain of this world and worrying about the impact of my individuality on my son.

I want to be holy, but feel bad because a holy lifestyle condemns others (even church-goers) without my even opening up my mouth.

I don't want to continue living in conflict, being embarrassed about who I am but not desiring to be like others in some ways and unable to change in others.

But the Lord didn't come for us to live in conflict! He came that we might have life and that more abundantly!

Lord help me life a life that honors YOU free from the burdens of man-made guilt-induced conflict.

A House Divided

Today, while studying scripture, I came across Lk 11:17, where Jesus says "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house divided against a house falleth."

Now, this particular passage is when then Pharisees are trying to acuse Jesus of casting out devils by the power of the devil, but today I saw the proverb from a totally unique perpspective, and thougth I'd share it with you.

A house divided against itself defeats itself. If I am "the house," am I taking actions against myself? I used to. I used to do the following things:

Said I wanted to lose weight, but then ate uncontrollably when I was upset or stressed

Said I wanted to keep my life organized, but came home and dumped papers wherever convenient (but then usually couldn't find them again!)

Said I wanted to ensure my bills were paid on time but then when the bill came in, I lumped it in with the rest of the mail and then somehow forgot it?

Professed my love to someone and then turned around and screamed at them for some stupid little thing.

In short, I was opposing myself! Defeating my own goals! Talking out both sides of my mouth! Making myself miserable through behavior which hindered my goals and my relationship.

These are all behaviors I have overcome in the last year of self-discovery, but I feel some of them (like the eating) creeping back in.

Thankfully, the Lord will give me strength (through His Holy Spirit) to resist the urge to oppose myself so that I don't become, once again, a house divided.

Why God Wants You To Take Care Of Yourself

I'm currently watching Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind. At one point she goes on a slight tangent about taking care of ourselves -and why we DON'T that really hit home with me:

You only get one body… You can’t go somewhere and order another one…You destroy this one, you’re out!

God wants to work through you; and if you destroy your health and you destroy your body, then He can’t do anything through you either. So you’re cheating yourself, you’re cheating Him, you’re cheating the people around you that God wants to use you to bless.

I think a lot of people don’t take good care of themselves b/c they got a bad attitude toward themselves they don’t think they’re worthy of doing the things they need to do to take care of themselves properly.

Some of you think that all you’re good for is work, work, work, work, all the time you grew up in an atmosphere where the only time people were happy with you was when you were working and producing. And the devil’s got you convinced that to enjoy your life is carnal and a sin. READ John 10:10

WOW! Jesus came that we might have life and that more abundantly!!!

But, especially for those of us with social impairment, we have found that people only "liked" us when we were working hard to please them or make them look good or doing something for them. And so we run ourselves into the ground trying to prove our worth for other PEOPLE, instead of guarding ourselves, and protecting ourselves, so we have enough energy to be used by HIM.

If you are interested in watching her video or reading it's accompanying book, here's the links:

Getting Along With Others

Being personable makes a WORLD of difference in what behavior workplace peers will tolerate.

And the great thing about us as Aspies is, if we can make "being sociable" our special interest for a time, then we can learn how to get along with people. It's not easy at all, and I find it very draining. BUT it can be done! We can learn from research (internet, etiquette, tv, etc), from interacting with each other (this group, our families, AAGW meetings and other "safe" places), and from PRACTICE.

I am a BIG fan of practice. I used to really hate travel, because I always like things to be the same and to be routine. BUT I now look forward to traveling for my job because each trip is a no-harm-no-foul way to practice meeting people, making them feel special, and getting them to talk about themselves. Those, along with the confidence it takes to strike up a conversation with a total stranger, are some of the skills it takes to get along with others.

If I'm not tired and on people overload, I practice talking to the people on the airplane. The shuttle driver, the person who does my tickets/keys/waitress, etc. I know I won't likely see these people ever again, so if I mess up then it's ok. I won't have impacted my life or my son's life.

The problem, at least for ME is: I can read articles/research all I want, but for some reason it takes practice, practice, practice to be able to learn social cues and learn when I've stepped on someone's toes. I'm getting much better, but sometimes I still act like an ape (such as calling someone out in front of everyone who was bringing outside food into Teaism). If any of you knew me 7 years ago, you'd definitely say I was 100% improved.

I find that reality tv helps, LOL, though I rarely have time to watch it.

This year is the first year I can say that I've done really well talking to people and "getting along with people" more times than I've flubbed it. I've learned a lot of interesting things about people I never would have learned, and it's just more pleasant than sitting by yourself lonely.

I wrote the above on an aspie-only message board where we were talking about how important it is to get along on the job. In spite of my other posts about being lonely, I have learned to make friends and get along with people. I can go somewhere and chat up someone and hang out for an evening and "not be alone."

BUT, what I need to work on now is developing close friendships- the kind where you can bare your soul and know that the person still accepts you the way you are. And for most of my life, I never cared about that (is that an Aspie trait?) but now I do. The "experts" say it takes about 2 years to fully vet someone and know that they are trustworthy enough to be in your "inner circle." So I'll keep being personable, keep being friendly, and keep retreating when I get into "people overload" rather than have a public meltdown), and maybe in a couple years, I'll have the close friendships I see others have.