Coming back isn't as easy as I had hoped...

So apparently when you've been off the grid for a couple years, your social media accounts begin to disappear on you.

I can't blame 'em for wanting to make money and closing "deadbeat" accounts but MAN my facebook account had several thousand friends and it really stinks to not be able to announce to them my return.

Guess it's time to rebuild...

Be on the lookout for a new Saved Aspie facebook, twitter, instagram,etc coming soon!

I'm BACK!

There's a story behind why I was gone so long. I'm not sure I'm going to publish it.

Let's just say that people (and by people I mean NT people) are weird. I don't understand why they do what they do or the logic they follow.  I'm not even sure it IS logic.  All I know is that when an Aspie gets caught up in a swirl of NT behavior, the end result is just not great.

That said, my life is pretty good right now! I'm doing well financially and part of a growing family. 

More on that.

Enough about ME.

How YOU doin??!!

Painful Sex (Lovemaking? Whatever you call it)

Just had this comment on the Christian Nympho post.  I typed a rather long response and would like to share it with you in case you or your partner is not enjoying your intimate times.

I am so sorry you're having such trouble with penetration. I found it very painful too the first year or so I was married. 

Your husband is getting frustrated, so he must not realize HE can do a lot to make things better.  For one, he can read "She Comes First" about how to get you truly ready for penetration and how to bring you enjoyment so you'll actually get something out of the sexual act.  For two, most women don't generate the natural lubricant that makes sex easier unless the man has been good and loving to them.  Husbands complain all day long, but never seem to realize that step one is treating their wives better!

I was married for over 10 years and never got enjoyment out of sex for three reasons:

1. I had been abused as a child and had no arousal until the Lord delivered me of that hurt.

2.  I needed to learn my body.**   A woman's body doesn't work like a man's and many men get angry because they expect a woman is like them - couple of rubs and he's done.  Well, she's not like him.  Her body takes a lot more work to get sexual enjoyment and what works for her can change from day to day. 

3.  My husband was mean to me, and that dried up all of my arousal.  For awhile I thought I was dysfunctional because even after the Lord healed the hurt of my childhood and I began to feel arousal, it would rarely come from my husband.  The few times I'd feel aroused were when some other guy was nice to me. I'd have to stay away from that other guy and pray and fast for those feelings to go away so I wouldn't risk falling into adultery.

Finally I figured it out!  IT was because he was so mean. He would only be nice when he thought about making love.  He would read an article that says "women are like crock pots, it takes them all day to heat up" so he would say he loved me in the morning and send me an email at lunch.  But woven around those things was an air of disrespect and an obvious "I'm only saying/doing these things because I want to make love tonight," which totally had the opposite effect: it made me LESS interested in spending that time with him.

I wish more men figured out that if they would treat their wives lovingly that even if she weren't into lovemaking herself, she would be more likely to want to please him in that area.

**Also, the reason I learned my body in the first place was through reading "Woman's Orgasm" which outlines a plan for helping women have one if they never have before. There's some things in that book I don't like (as a Christian - for, example, thinking of a hot star while exploring yourself...that just sounds adulterous to me), but you can skip over steps you don't like and still get a lot out of the book!

Still mad, but at least I learned a trick for making friends

I'm not feeling better today. I'm actually feeling worse.  Talking with an NT friend really hurt: not only does her mind keep track of so many things I never could hope to keep track of, but she kept using "special" the way people used to use "retard" and it really hurts to think someone close to me feels that way about those with mental disabilities.

I don't feel like writing about the "special" term. Maybe I'll do that later.  Nothing's wrong with being "special."  Many of my best friends are "special." 

The good part of our conversation, though, is learning a trick for getting people to like you more:

My friend is amazing with remembering an incredible amount of information about people she'd just met. I mean, she knew their familes names, their histories, all that stuff. I wouldn't have ever even TRIED to remember all that because I already know I wouldn't be able to do it.  But then I watched her during her visit this week and I see that's why everyone likes her!  She remembers everything about them and she shows she cares about them by weaving what she remembers in the conversation.

Lesson for Aspies:  Though you may not care about someone's great aunt and their dog's cataracts, remembering those things and bringing them up at appropriate times will help them like you.  If you are like me and can't remember those kinds of details to save your life, then you can try what I'm starting to do:  When I'm done with a conversation, I put info about the person into my phone.

So for example: I went to the car shop last week.  I put the car shop info in my phone and used the "notes" field to add details on the people who worked there.  Bob (fake name) owns the place, bought it 5 years ago, rides a harley.  Jackie (his wife) likes to garden.  Bezo (the old hairy guy) smokes and is mean. Now, a week later, I call back and get Jackie. I talk business (is my car ready yet?) and then after I'm done with business I ask her if she has tomatoes this year.  My tomatoes are growing like crazy.  Did you plant tomatoes? No? What did you plant this year?

Do I really care if she has a garden? Probably not. I mean, don't get me wrong! I love hearing about everyone's gardens because I get great ideas!  But I'm usually always in a rush. So that's not why I'm taking extra time to ask about her garden.  The real reason I'm asking is because this is the foundation for forming relationships with people.  People like to feel like you are interested in them, that you like them.  They like to feel smart, funny, beautiful around you.  So you can use that tendency to help form relationships.  When you form relationships with people, and when you do this life goes much more smoothly.  They help you more.  They give you more information.  They go look in the back for what you need rather than say "if it's not on the shelf, then we're out."

I hear some Aspies saying, "but that's being fake!"  Not so fast!  By showing interest in them, yo are making them feel better about themselves.  Don't you feel happier when someone asks your expertise on something or when they ask you how you're doing?  This is the same principal. 

Now most Aspies I know will do a job for you whether they like you or not.  Many NTs aren't that way.  If an NT likes you, he will go through great lengths to try and get you what you need.  If an NT doesn't like you, then he may not help at all (even if he COULD help, and even if it's their JOB to help).  So you're not being fake. You're genuinely wanting to make this person feel good about themselves around you because that ultimately helps YOU.

I've been using the "phone trick" to keep track of my real friends too.  Birthdays, likes, dislikes, whatever was bothering them last night (so in a week or two I can loop back and ask them "how is that going).  It's really helping!!

I hate being so stupid.

This is not going to be a happy post.  If you need happy, please come back some other time.

I hate feeling so stupid. I hate sitting in meetings not realizing what is going on. I hate talking with two other women and they start laughing because they know I've lost track of what they are saying. I hate knowing the guys at work are playing verbal tricks on me but a) not being fast enough to pick up on it in time or b) even if I do pick up on it not being fast enough with a snappy comeback.

I know I'm awesome in many ways.  Unfortunately, mental processing is not one of them. I can visualize great interstellar theories and work physics problems that take 15 pages to solve, but I cannot "read between the lines" or understand the minute intricacies of how the NT mind works.

I know, with a head knowledge, that I am awesome and that God thinks I am awesome.  But my heart doesn't feel awesome. It feels like an outsider. A lame outsider always looking in, but always some gap between me and the rest of the world. 

I know I'll feel better tomorrow.

Why I Removed the Asperger's WebRing

Hi everyone,

You may have noticed I no longer carry a link to the Asperger's WebRing on my site. It used to just be a code that let you find more Aspie websites and blogs.  Now it sometimes takes over my blog (so that when people type in savedaspie.blogspot.com instead of my blog they get sent to a WebRing page with other sites listed (but not MINE)).

I feel this is totally unacceptable, and I apologize to those of you who had been trying to tell me this was happening.  I never experienced it (all this time) until today.

Thanks for reading and take care!!

Paris

Mean People. Rude People.

Though it’s never your fault when someone is rude to them (they should have better manners than that!) sometimes we make the situation worse just by nature of being Aspies.  Unfortunately, it seems to me that in the NT world, once they've labeled someone  as a jerk it’s ok to be mean to them.  Also, once they’ve labeled someone as weaker or inferior, it’s ok to take advantage of them.

I don’t feel this way.  But many NTs do.

Here are some things I’ve noticed contribute to when are people most mean to me:

They are rude to me when I can't clearly and quickly communicate what I want.  If I take 2 minutes to get out one thought, they don't have time or interest and they get mad and be rude.

They are rude to me when I am clearly interrupting.  If they are on the phone, talking with someone, etc, this is not the time to interrupt unless very, very important.  I have trouble with this because my delayed processing means I think there is a gap in the conversation sometimes and I speak only to realize they'd started talking again and now I just cut them off.  I've learned to just stop my words when I realize this, and say, "I'm sorry I thought you were done, please go on- I really wanna know what you think" and not let my pride be hurt about it.  You have to reassure them you really want to hear what they were going to say, otherwise they will think YOU are being rude.

They are rude to me when I am annoying them (even if I don’t realize it).  What makes it worse is they will never tell you that you are annoying to them!! Here are some things I did that annoy people (I still do them when stressed, but I try really hard not to):  Laugh at the end of every sentence. Talk all the time and for a long time (I have worked hard to lose the reputation of “don’t go talk to her unless you have 30 minutes to kill”).  Talk my every move out loud as I do it (“ok, now I’m gonna click this… oh, let’s see what that site says… oh yeah that’s the one I want”), pop my knuckles/neck/back alllll the time (don’t do this!), clip my nails at my desk (don’t know why they can do this but I can’t - pout - ), make lots of desk noise (rustling papers, rattling pens etc).  Have your cell phone go off all the time (put it silent or vibrate and if the vibrate is LOUD put it on silent) - even if you use your alarm to stay on task like I do this annoys them and they may never tell you.


They are rude to me when they think I am passive, weak, dumb.  Behaviors that contribute to them thinking this of me are: looking down all the time (try to sit/stand/walk with shoulders “up, back, and down” head up in a confident pose and making eye contact often), laughing at the end of every sentence (indicates nervousness), fidgeting or clenching fists (indicates nervousness or anger), temper tantrums/meltdowns, writing down every word they say in a meeting (indicates you don’t have a strong enough mind to remember the key points), not fighting back when someone does you wrong (if thy do you wrong, you have to stand up for yourself- but you gotta do it the right way).  This actually deserves it’s own point.

They are rude to me when I don’t stand up for myself.  New people at work OFTEN do what I call “testing.”  They will dog you out, make you look foolish, or say something untrue to see what you do.  Basically, they are looking to see if you a) catch what they’ve done and b) have the guts to do something about it.  For example, a new coworker poo-poohed my program in front of my boss. I know I don’t always understand what’s going on, so I didn’t jump down his throat right there but when I got back to my office I verified that my opinion was valid, sent him documentation to that effect, and then told him perhaps he’d like to spend a few weeks getting up to speed on things like this (the doc I sent him) before he blasted me in front of the boss.  He was nice to me for about 2-3 weeks, then another “test.”  Nice for 2-3 weeks and then another “test.”  Another example:  A vender said something that clearly wasn’t true according to the laws of physics.  In the past, I would just ignore it and say in my head “he doesn’t’ know what he’s talking about.” I thought I was being gracious to just let it go.  The problem is, he probably KNEW he was blowing smoke and just wanted to see if YOU were smart enough to know it.  So the first time someone says something wrong, you gotta call them on it.  Be quick about it though, don’t take 5 minutes explaining why they’re wrong- just in 1 sentence or less.  If someone really doesn’t know their stuff, pull them aside. Just make sure, if you do this, that it’s really a “right vs wrong” thing, not just something where you have your way and they have their way of doing it, or you could be labeled as an inflexible jerk.

They are rude to me when they perceive that I only talk about myself and ask about myself.  This can be tough because I tend to think if you want to tell me something you WILL so I don't ask about your weekend or your pet. I figure if you want to talk about your weekend, you will.  But NTs don't work that way.  They actually use a code to tell you they wanna tell you about their weekend. It's crazy, but the way they tell you this is not to just start talking about their weekend (what I would do) but ask you about YOURS.  They really don't want to hear about yours- they just want you to give a quick answer and say "So how was YOUR weekend" so they can tell you all about it.  Crazy.  If you're the person who always talks about you and never about them, then they feel justified being mean to you because they've now labeled you as a jerk.  And in the NT world, it’s ok to be mean to jerks.  Never mind the fact that, to most Aspies, they’re the true jerks, but that’s another story!!

They are rude to me when they realize I don't process things fast enough or that I am naive in certain areas.  One antidote to this is to NOT tell personal stories.  I recommend you do NOT talk about how this person or that person hurt you, how no one ever likes you, no one ever appreciates you, people always take advantage of you.  This marks you as a target and a manipulator, listening to all this, will soon move in to take advantage of you.  Another antidote to this is to talk as minimally as possible- basically get the other people talking much more so they don't ever find out you have trouble processing. Never mind the fact that I can calculate in my head things they will never understand, the bottom line is I'm slower in processing many things, and they will see that weakness and go in for the kill.

They are rude to me when I'm too negative.  The same complaining I mentioned above might also label you as someone who will always bring others down. People want to feel happy. They want to surround themselves with people who make them feel better about themselves.  Unless there's a particular reason they are sad (for example, their mom or pet died or they just got fired) they don't want you to be sad around them.  And even when you have a legitimate reason to be sad, they kinda want you to get over it faster than you think is reasonable.  It stinks, I know!  Again, this goes into being labeled a jerk.  If you get labeled a jerk buy influential NTs, the others at work or school will take it upon themselves to be mean to you.  Sorry.

They are rude/mean to me when they realize I have what they call “word vomit” tendencies.  To most NTs this blog post would be entirely too long.  “Ain’t nobody got time fo dat!”  If you write like I do, or if you talk like I write (which is how I talk at home) you are going to get labeled a pompous, arrogant, selfish jerk. Even though I’m none of those things.  And people aren’t going to want to have time for you.  And, again, in the NT world, if you are labeled a jerk or are in a major way different from others, it appears socially acceptable for them to be mean to you.

My experience with NTs has show me that they are VERY into themselves but resent any indication that YOU are into yourself and will often be mean/rude to those perceived as weaker or of lesser value. 

Mostly, if I can sum this up: NTs will treat you mean if you a) waste their time, b) annoy them, c) appear too into yourselves (and not enough into them) and d) appear to be less strong mentally than they are.  It is never your fault that someone is mean to you, but by being aware of the items I wrote above, you can significantly reduce the instances where people are rude to you.