Saved Aspie

How to Stop Appearing to Be So Judgmental (How To Stop Coming Off Judgmental)

2011-11-10T22:22:00.000-08:00

I lost a few friends recently. I feel sad about it. I basically told some people things about themselves that they didn't ask to hear but that I, as a true friend, felt it wrong to hold in.

I really can't describe the incidences due to privacy of the other parties, but let's just say that in one case I am right and told a coworker something that all our other coworkers wanted to but were too chicken too. I've done this in the past (such as with a particularly odoriferous coworker) and it's usually worked out for the best. This time, however, things did not work out. This is actually the first time I've had something of this nature (where I address something the whole office complains about) actually go wrong. Every other time there was some short-term discomfort, but long term peace and acceptance.

The other one, I think my intentions were pure... but my delivery was waaaay too judgmental.

The funny thing is, I don't really judge others. Not in *THAT* sense. I love everyone. I may not trust just everyone. And I may not date just anyone. But I'll hang out with just about anyone who isn't trying to involve me in anything illegal and who will accommodate my desire to stay away from things/behaviors in which I don't want to engage. For example: I don't care if you drink around me, but don't pressure *me* to drink.

As long as you let me be me, I'll let you be you.

So, I feel like I have to improve my delivery. And I went online today in search of ways to deliver my messages without coming across so judgmental.

At first, I couldn't find anything. I searched on how to stop appearing judgmental, how to stop coming off judgmental, how to prevent others from thinking you are judgmental... Nothing. So I searched, "How to stop BEING judgmental," and BINGO! A ton of websites I now need to go through.

Why is this a problem, you ask? Because most of us Aspies who care about appearing to be judgmental and want to fix it are not of the opinion that we ARE judgmental. I don't think I am. I think I just come across that way. So I'm not naturally inclined to read these because I don't want to learn how to not BE judgmental. And I certainly don't wan to listen to some better-than-me NT dripping with condescension try to teach me how I can stop being so "bad."

I'm going to go through those sites, see what I can learn, and then write some posts on it. And I'll give you examples of where people pointed out that I was judgmental (surprising me!) so you can learn from my mistakes.

In the meantime, if you have any useful advice on how someone can learn to stop appearing to be judgmental when all they are doing is expressing an alternate viewpoint, do let me know!

Are you Fat, Dumb, or Ugly (Dr. Laura)?

2011-09-06T20:00:00.001-07:00

The other day, I was listening to "call of the day" on Dr. Laura's website*, and she asked a young lady who was putting up with a man who didn't treat her very well, "Are you fat, dumb, or ugly?" Dr. Laura's point was that this girl must feel she is one of those three categories if she was willing to tolerate such poor treatment in her relationship. It came out that the girl was overweight, and Dr. Laura gave her some advice for improving her body as well as her body image.

My question then remains... what do you do if you feel you are in the other two categories?

If you are ugly, there ARE things you can do to improve your appearance, but if you have certain physical deformities/injuries/body weaknesses (like I do!) there's just not much you can do about it. I know there's a certain physical feature that I have that turns guys off. It's not readily visible, but if I ever get into a close relationship he will discover it. And then what? That is so scary to me!

And what if you are dumb? Or maybe not "really" dumb, but what if you, like me, are very slow at processing things? So you (like me) can comprehend great theories that hurt other peoples heads... but it takes you a longer time to do it. And when people talk to you, you have a delay before you can fully process what they are saying and appropriately respond? How do you overcome the negative self-esteem that goes along with THAT? I "fake it till you make it" well enough at work to get along and keep my good-paying job, but I don't even attempt to keep up the "I'm just as smart as you" facade off duty.

Would like your suggestions... what has worked for other people you know?

* I'm having trouble with her site, but when I find the link to this call I'll post it.

Do You Think Like Others?

2011-08-13T20:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget that I don't think like other people.

One one hand, my mind conceives of amazing theories- math and physics are SO easy for me. I can pick up a book, read it, and know how to do whatever the book is talking about, even if no one is there to show me. I can't leap tall buildings in a single bound, I'm not faster than a speeding bullet, but my mind is an amazing computer. The stuff I comprehend makes other people's head hurt.

But on the other hand, I still don't (after 4 decades of living!) get how my friends can know every episode of every season of their favorite show, know the interactions of all these actresses and actors, love (obviously fake and poorly written) shows, talk about nothingness for hours and have a great time doing it! It makes MY head hurt!!

And, wow, how can they sit in a crowded room of 10 other ladies, 5 conversations, plus a tv show they've never seen playing, and at the end of the night know what each other said AND what happened in that TV show? If you get two separate convos going in the same room... all I hear is NOISE!

I don't get them! But I love my friends. And I'm glad they are my friends. Even though half of what they say goes over my head. I'm pretty sure half of what I say goes over their head too. Lol.

Don't be a target, patsy, or schwimp

2011-05-22T14:28:00.000-07:00

On a private Aspie board I frequent, someone posted about apologizing over and over for the same thing.

I'd like to warn anyone else who does this why I had to learn to stop doing the exact same thing: Because when I would do that, people saw me as an easy target. They knew I guilt-tripped easily, and they used that apologetic, wants to please, wants to make everything right part of my nature to manipulate me into doing/giving stuff (favors, work, money) for them.

Three things have really helped me cut down on the number of people who manipulate me (very rarely happens now, but I'm still a big softie-always will be- so sometimes someone gets me, lol)

1. Look as confident as I can (often pretending, "fake it til you make it"
2. Don't apologize much (even if I'm wrong, and even if deep down inside I feel that huge pressure to apologize and try and "make it right")
3. Don't do things for people til I've known them for awhile (at least 6 months) and even then, try to tell them "no" every other time if not more often.

The weird thing about all this, is that when I started enacting these boundaries in my life, I thought I would lose all my friends. But what happened is I only lost my "so called friends," those people who didn't really like me, but were just pretending to like me so they could take advantage of me.

And I began attracting more quality people into my life. I still don't have as many close friends as I'd like, but now I at least have a small nucleus of folks I trust to have my best interest at heart. Couple years ago, all I had were people who would use me up and wear me out, and then not be there for me when *I* needed some help.

My Baby Boy Loves Me

2011-05-22T13:57:00.001-07:00

guest post by Janine Wiggins:

So... tonight at 318Live, my little Peanut was a bit wild. Translation: overtired. He was whirling around, flapping his arms, and exhibiting autistic traits I hadn't seen in awhile in this extremely sociable, usually well behaved little man. I was a bit frustrated at first because I really liked the praise and worship songs they were singing this time, and wanted to get into it. But since he was overtired I knew my best bet was to jump in the water with him, calm him down, and help him get to sleep.

As he alternated between pressing my hands hard to his ears and giving my hands an abundance of kisses, I reflected back on how he was over 2 years old before he purposely gave me a hug. Over 4 years old before he actually said "I love you" without it being a mimicked my response to my having said so.

As I began to thank God for his over-the-top displays of love (which sometimes drives me crazy now, lol!) I realized that for every time I have to take him to a back corner, so he can whirl around and flap his arms, I have 20+ times of awesome behavior that always garners compliments like, "my, how very well behaved your son is."

Finally, I remembered how I cried out for 8 years to the Lord to heal my body so that I could have a child. This is always where the Spirit takes me back to, when I get overwhelmed with parenting ;-)

I left 318 that night, not only with a heart for the mission we raised funds for (HelloSomebody), but also with a heart full of gratitude for the great God who gave me a wonderful, bright, intelligent, loving little boy.

Loving Ourselves

2011-05-19T22:15:00.000-07:00

Quick thought for today... I was browsing an old self-help book on building self esteem. Wish I could find the title for you. One thing she mentioned stuck out to me because it's something I'm currently focusing on: Loving myself.

We need to love ourselves.

This is hard, sometimes, because we may never have experienced real love from our parents, so-called friends, etc. But I've been working on accepting myself (faults included) and loving myself. And her chapter actually outlined what I'm doing along with a few tips and tricks. I will have to get that book for you, but in the meantime, here's what I wanted to share:

Every day:

1. Tell yourself, I am worthy of being loved.
2. Be your own best friend.
3. During the day compliment yourself at least once.
4. At the end of the day, if there's something you're mad about yourself for, or have been beating yourself up over, tell yourself "I forgive you for {insert whatever it was you're mad at yourself for}"

When we begin to internalize that we are worthy of being loved, people who will actually love us (not just use us) will be attracted to our lives.

I don't take care of me I can't take care of my son

2011-05-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

I just responded to a comment left last week, and I was surprised to see that my last post was back in March.

It shouldn't have been a surprise, though, because I've been traveling a lot for my new job and that takes a LOT of energy out of me. I replied to that commenter "I have much higher travel commitment than I'm used to. That's part of why I don't post here or on fb as much as I used to- I just don't have the energy to post anything other than pity parties lately, and that's not helpful for anyone, lol!"

What is helpful for anyone reading this is that I am not beating myself up about not doing all that I would like to. And I hope that if you are having to trim your life of some things (whether permanently or temporarily) that you are gentle and loving with yourself about it.

I've accepted the fact that I only have so much energy, and I have to pick and choose where it goes: God, taking care of me, taking care of my son, my job. Yep, in that order- yes, I know some mammas will take issue with me putting myself before my son, but I've realized if I don't take care of *me* I will be unable to take care of my son. This may not hold true for other, more capagle, more energetic, more NT (lol) mammas out there.

What does taking care of *me* look like?

Gotta make sure I eat right, which means allowing time to both cook AND clean up later
Gotta exercise (ugh, but it helps my mood and my waistline)
Gotta get enough sleep (yes, I'm going to bed in 5 minutes!)
Gotta make sure I have a clean house and clothes (because if I let the clutter build up, then it overwhelms and paralyzes me and takes WAY MORE effort to clean than if I just attacked it a little bit each day)
And finally, I must budget adequate time for proper grooming, which improves the way other people treat me as well as the way I feel about myself.

If I do everything for everyone, there's nothing left for ME

2011-03-27T06:36:00.000-07:00

"I have to remind myself that if I do everything for everyone, then I won't have any energy to be there for people in the future."

I really liked this comment "Intellectual Christian Geek" left on my Boundaries post, and just thought I'd highlight its wisdom.

Our energy, time, resources are not infinite. 5 minutes I spend helping Person A is 5 less minutes I have available to help Person B, or 5 minutes less I have available to do something nice for myself.

The $50 I allow Person C to guilt-trip me out of is $50 less I have to spend on my kid's art supplies or new clothes.

With God's help, I'm learning that serving Him doesn't mean giving others ALL of my available time, energy, resources.

Sometimes, the best way to take care of ourselves is to guard our energy so we don't spend it on activities that bring us no real joy or benefit. And to guard our time, so we don't fill it up with frivolity and then later not have enough time to take care of what's really important. And to guard our resources (money, stuff) so we don't end up surprised later when we have nothing to show for all our effort.

Another Man Will Come Along Soon Enough

2011-03-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

Today I discovered Mr. Man's myspace page. In the 4 months we were dating, I didn't even know he HAD a myspace page. He never used a computer around me, and though he needed one for work I just assumed he wasn't an "online" kind of guy. But he logged in yesterday to myspace, according to his myspace page.

(If you missed the "Mr. Man" saga, my previous posts Where's *MY* Reward, HUH?? and Had An Adult Breakdown Today...But Recovered will give you a few details.

The picture, though not one of his best, took my heart away. He's so gorgeous. And I spent the next hour obsessing over how I could friend him, because his profile was private.

But then I took a cold, hard, look at him, and surprised myself by saying, "He was an awesome man. But another one will come along soon enough." It sounds silly, but I really wasn't expecting to feel that way.

Praise God! I think I'm actually starting to get over him!

Yoga Makes Me Cry

2011-03-16T20:24:00.001-07:00

Well, it finally happened. I broke down in tears during yoga.

I've been going to yoga* for about two months now, and each time I see myself in the mirror, I am so filled with sadness, anger, and self-loathing. With the Spirit's help, I'm slowly learning to truly love myself (even my faulty parts), yet in yoga my mind slows down enough for anger at the childhood and genetics that caused me to be deficient in self-love to rise to the surface. I get sad knowing I have these handicaps to overcome through no fault of my own. I get angry at the handicaps themselves and the effect they've had on my life.

I especially get upset at my appearance. I look at all the thin, flexible people in that class and, even though I hold my poses pretty well, I can't stand what I see in that mirror.

This doesn't happen in other classes. Step, weights, kickboxing. I am powerful in all of them, typically one of the top performers, even though I'm a size 16. On the track, I run fast and look good (so I'm told).

But in yoga, somehow, I come face to face with who I am. And who I can never be.

I see that my clothes never fit right- they always make me look fatter than my kickboxing or running clothes. Funny how most of the time, they ARE my kickboxing or running clothes. So what's up with the yoga mirror?

Instead of seeing the wonderful person who lost almost 50 pounds, I see the size 22 I used to be. The fatty no one liked, and everyone treated like was so dumb and lazy. I see the grown woman who still struggles with adolescent social concepts- who is learning in her 4th decade what others learned before high-school. I see the mind that doesn't quite follow others, ears that get lost in a sea of voices, the eyes that don't quite express to others what I really feel, leading them to think I'm angry, disappointed, condescending when I'm not.

I see everything about me that makes me "not good enough," "undesirable," "useless." words that echo in my subconscious and produce in me a desire I must always fight to please too many people, to ingratiate myself so maybe they'll accept me and be my friends.

And so yesterday I broke down in tears about halfway through my yoga class. And I realized that in spite of all my accomplishments, I have never truly loved myself. I always hated being a who I was. I hated being a goody-two-shoes. I wanted to be "bad" like others. Just let loose, let my hair down, and have some fun. Yet, even as an adult, I can't bring myself to break "the rules." I get angry that I can't just turn my conscience off and relax like "normal" people. I get mad that, deep down inside, I don't really WANT to. I just want people to accept me. And they don't accept you when you're different- even if that different means living a good, clean, godly life.

But what good is that? All I'm doing is hurting my own self!

I made up my mind that, with the Lord's help, I would stop being so hard on myself. I would celebrate my victories instead of beating myself up for what is largely out of my control. And I would be gentle and loving- something I've yet to receive from my family. I believe I can do it! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

* For those who are spiritually inclined, I resisted going to yoga for years because too many yoga instructors I met were over-emphasizing the spiritual aspect (which often feels opposed to the Holy Spirit). This yoga instructor does not. She simply leads us through the poses and cautions us to mind our breathing and thought patterns. My intention for each "practice" as they call it is "to honor God through proper care of my body," and I'm very glad to have found her class because it's done wonders for my nerve problems and flexibility.

Had An Adult Breakdown Today...But Recovered

2011-02-19T19:48:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it. I actually had a meltdown today. In public. With my son, who had started a meltdown phase himself. We both made a scene. The good news is, I realized what was happening and removed us from public view quickly. I'm just so shocked and appalled at myself! But I'm glad we "recovered" quickly.

The long version:

My son and I were playing at the fountain today. He loves the fountain in our swanky new mall. We usually sit there for about 20-30 minutes while he splashes around. Free entertainment.

Well, the weather was warm so there were a lot of people there today. That was problem number one.

Both of us were overtired-were up too late last night. That was problem number two.

But I had promised him the fountain and even though circumstances led to us being a couple hours later than I wanted (problem number 3) he insisted I hold to my promise

I should have just driven us home. I felt like we were quickly approaching our respective edges and when road construction had me detour for over half an hour I was too through. Note to self: a disappointed toddler's tantrum at home is better than both of you having one in public. Next time you feel like you should go home... GO HOME... thus problem #4 is listening to a toddler rather than to my gut.

There were lots of people around so I had to greatly restrict his splashing but we adjusted and had a good time. In fact, we had too good of a time because I eventually forgot that I was a) a grown woman and b) a senior manager in my new job and was soon running around the fountain like a toddler, playing with my son. It was lots of fun, and I don't really regret that but lots of people were there, including some in my organization and the raised eyebrows were probably not worth it.

We had fun though. Sometimes my son and I get lost in each other and I just have to remember how it looks to other people!!*

But THEN I saw Mr. Man. He and his buddies were looking at me, shaking their heads (my mind interpreted it as disgust and ascribed the thoughts "look at her making a fool of herself" even though IRL I have no clue what they were thinking...they could have been discussing the dinner they just had for all I know). I toned down my "playing" both because I was getting weird stares from other people and mostly because I really, really, wanted Mr. Man to come say hi. He's a bit of a gansta type, and it occurred to me that it was not "cool" for his girl to be acting that way. Not that I'm his girl anymore. Sigh. And I didn't care what anyone though of us til he showed up.

My son was getting testy- talking back, being willfully disobedient, getting more and more belligerent about my splashing restrictions. Really he was tired and I should have took him home. But now that Mr. Man showed up, I was rooted to the spot and spent the next 5-7 minutes watching him out the corner of my eye, trying to be slick since I had sunglasses on. He stopped watching us and left. That was the straw that broke the camels back.

He wasn't supposed to do that! He was supposed to walk over, apologize for breaking up with me, and scoop me up in his arms. My hurt, anger, and frustration came pouring out the next time my son said something rude to me and I lost it. The good news is, as soon as I started yelling at him, I realized I was overreacting and quickly removed us to a vending booth no longer being used.

I made him sit down for a few minutes while I paced around, pretending to be on my cell phone, calming down. Then we made our way to the car. He was upset but I told him, look we are both acting mean. That means we are wound up and need to calm down. When we get like this, we need to go to our rooms and calm down because it's not nice for us to be like this around other people. If you are not calm by time we get home, you will go to your room and finish calming down. And if mommy is not calm, she will go to her room.

We came home and both promptly fell asleep. I'm still stunned that I lost control like that today in public, but I'm at least glad I got us out of there before I could do something that might make my boss regret giving me this new job. Usually, when I feel myself losing control I hurry home so I can try and calm down before it happens. Or, if I still lose it, I'm at least at home in my private place.

If any of my readers don't mind commenting... I'd love to hear how you know a meltdown is coming on and what you do to prevent/deal with it.

** We're getting better about our public appearance though, with rules like "we can blow milk bubbles at home, and we can make IIIAA faces at home, but not out in public because other people will think we're weird."

"Boundaries" Victories

2011-02-16T19:29:00.000-08:00

*note: non-aspies reading this will probably say, "that's WAY too much thought put into this," but someone with my flavor of aspie-thinking will totally get this!

The other day I had a two small "boundaries" victories. By "boundaries" I mean the process of setting boundaries so that people do not take advantage of us or cause us to work so hard we burn out (like the phrase "use us up and wear us out").

A new acquaintance called me in the middle of the night to check on (then vent about) her live-in boyfriend. Supposedly, he and Mr. Man (who disappeared on me a few weeks ago) went out drinking on her anniversary. She didn't realize me and Mr. Man were through, and wondered if I knew where her guy was. When I didn't, she proceeded to vent for about 25 minutes before I realized (this is the first victory): that the only reason she is keeping me out of bed is because I am letting her. Yes, she is hurting. I would be too. But there's no reason for me to lose sleep when I had a very important appointment the next day. If she was my best friend, it would be different. But I didn't know this girl. Let her call someone else or I might soon become her free therapist! I politely informed her I needed to go but that she was welcome to call back later (hoping in my heart I had the strength not to answer the phone when she did). That afternoon, her guy still hadn't come home and she had a series of bad events all morning. Which led to a barrage of text messages from her.

My original reply to her latest catastrophe text said something like, "that stinks-I wish I wasn't tied up today, or I'd take you to XYZ and buy you a dessert to cheer you up."

I was about to hit "send" when the Spirit nudged me.

I took another look at that text.

Nothing wrong with that, is there? After all, if *I* were hurting, and had a really bad day, I would love for one of my friends to take me out for dessert. Or have me over for a cry-fest. Or just spend time together.

But this wasn't a friend.

This is someone I met one day b/c her boyfriend started working w/my then boyfriend.

This isn't even someone I even liked.

But she reached out to me in the middle of the night hurting, and I felt bonded, obligated to help her. The way I would have wanted to be helped.

But that's not real bonding. And if I had offered to take her out, even though I qualified that statement by saying I was tied up (which mean I would not actually be able to take her out- only that I would if I could), I then would have marked myself (in her mind) as someone who easily does favors.

Someone who would take her out to an expensive dessert place even though we a) hardly knew each other and b) woke me up in the middle of the night-a great inconvenience by normal standards.

Someone who can be easily convinced, pressured, manipulated to doing much more for her. See, this is how it starts.

People can be nice to you, but when you do some little thing that exposes you as a potential target, it's like their "mean" gene turns on and they start looking for ways to take advantage of you I don't even know if they consciously do it, or if it just happens. You offer to do something nice for folks, the next thing you know they are pressuring you to give them money, guilt tripping you into driving them places, whatever it takes to make their lives easier at your expense.

Most aspies I know aren't like this. I don't know if this is just an NT thing, or if my sample set is too small ;-)

But the second boundaries victory came in deleting the part about taking her out and replacing it with sentence like "I sure hope you have some bubble bath or something nice you can do to make yourself feel better after the day you've had."

It's not that I don't care. It's just that I've been down this road, and finally am learning not to open the door. I care for her and offer her as much encouragement as I can without getting personally involved. If she were, down the road, to become a friend or even a "close friend" then I would do more. But for someone whose last name I don't even know, I fell great that I just erected a proper boundary that someone like my sister would have learned to do subconsciously much earlier in life.

Do you think I was rude to this girl?

2011-02-04T16:26:00.001-08:00

On my first flight, I was comfortably seated in what I thought was my middle seat, when two guys came to the row, presumably to occupy the aisle and window seats. I excitedly moved over to the window so one could sit with his buddy. I love window seats! But soon the guy who REALLY owned the window seat came by and I discovered the guy I "gave up my seat" to was actually the rightful owner of that middle seat. Turned out my seat was a couple rows back (I was reading an old ticket stub).

The new guy wanted his window seat. Not my middle seat in the back. He was very sweet about it. You could tell he was uncomfortable making me move but he really wanted his seat. I was ok because it was my fault, and if I were him, I would insist on my seat. Also I didn't want him to think I was one of THOSE people.***

On the return flight today, I had thought a little boy sitting next to his mom was sitting in my seat. Because I made the mistake on my flight out, I first checked my ticket before sitting down in what I thought was his window seat and exclaimed, "OH whoops, my seat is behind you. That's too bad because I sure would have taken that empty window seat." They laughed, which was cool.

But the girl I was now sitting next to also laughed, because she was on the first flight and remembered me making the same mistake. I was laughing with her at first, because hey, it was funny and I am kinda loud, hard to miss. But then she turned critical and mean toward me, how dumb that is to make the same mistake twice. Like I was some feeble-minded old lady who she was patronizing. I'm not saying that's really how she felt. I'm saying that's how I felt, and I could have misinterpreted. I feel triggered when I think people are laughing with me and suddenly I realize they are laughing *at* me.

I then ignored her for the rest of the flight. If she asked or said something to me (and it was obvious she was talking to me, not under her breath) I pretended I didn't hear and kept doing whatever I was doing. It wasn't til the end of the flight that I realized what she was trying to do. She was trying to apologize for her rudeness, in that weird way NTs apologize without really saying they're sorry. I actually wrote a blog post about this a while back, called "Indirect Apologies, but sometimes I forget stuff I've learned.

My question to you all is, do you think I was too rude? How would you have handled her, if at all?

- Paris

***You know THOSE people, don't you? Most of my jobs have required a lot of travel. I actually WORK with people who will move up and take other people's seats just because most times people won't challenge. Or they'll sit together up front as a couple (in two seats not theirs). When the first rightful owner comes up the one guy says, do you mind taking my seat so I can sit next to my friend. Usually the rightful owner, trying to be a nice guy, will say ok even though you can tell he's not happy. And they'll do the same thing to the next rightful owner. So they've effectively conned two people out of their up front seats.

Where's MY Reward, HUH??

2011-02-03T16:45:00.000-08:00

*Warning* This post is another rant. And it's gonna be TMI.

I know most of you who know me IRL are used to serene, happy, Paris. Not angry bitter frowny face.

But that's who I am today. I won't be offended if you come back when I'm in a better mood!!

I've been trying to encourage myself given Mr. Man's disappearance. I am angry. Not at him, because he was a hot, italian gansta type. I can hardly blame him for being tired of prudish me.

I'm angry at my life. I'm angry at my rule-following nature.

I'm angry at all those people who said waiting for marriage was/is worth it.

I'm angry because the Bible says "flee fornication" but doesn't have an escape clause if you're "mature" and none of the guys in your age group want to be holy.

ARGH!

A search on "waiting for marriage" turned up several people who say they are glad they waited. And a few who say they wish they had waited. Not one of them who say they resented waiting for marriage.

But you know what?

I RESENT IT! I RESENT IT WITH EVERYTHING IN ME!

Oh, I waited alright! I kept myself til marriage. And I was faithful in that marriage even though I had many propositions. And even though I wasn't getting fulfilled at home. No hugs. No liplock. No toes curling. There was plenty of action, don't get me wrong. But *I* wasn't allowed any enjoyment. Hey, I warned you about TMI.

I never got that reward being promised to these young kids with their purity rings. The specialness and sacredness of the marriage bed.

And right now I am feeling so much bitterness and anger. I wish I could go back to a time when I hadn't read the Bible and just have some fun. Mr. Man offered me some fun. And such a big part of me wishes I could have just turned off my conscience and had fun. I wish I could do that now. "Waiting for marriage" didn't work for me the first time. Why do I keep losing man after man after a couple months because I refuse to have a little fun? After all, I'm gonna end up alone anyway... why not have some good memories to show for it???

I don't *really* feel that way, or I'd have "had some fun" by now, but those of you who are waiting for marriage surely know the angst I currently feel ;-)

I cried deep in prayer over this the past few days. If you had told me I was mad at God for anything, I wouldn't have listened to you. But the truth is, I've been angry with the Lord since my wedding night. I was angry because I felt like I did my part but He didn't do His. I didn't get marital bliss. I got abused. I didn't end up like the lover in Song of Solomon. I ended up a divorced, broke single mom with nothing but debt to show for all my efforts and faithfulness.

And I have a friend who's going through the same thing! Down to the six figure debt!

Ugh.

I am encouraging myself that the Lord will reward those of us who are faithful to His Word. I know He will. I know I have a place reserved for me in God's kingdom. And I know that part of my earthly reward for my obedience to His word is how gracious He's been to keep me through the sufferings of the last few years. I just wish I could get a little reward here on earth. No, scratch that... a "big" reward. ;-)

He Talked About Marriage, Then Disappeared!

2011-02-02T18:55:00.000-08:00

I'm royally bummin today. I usually try to be a very positive person, but I'm in a funk because just last week my boyfriend was actually throwing around the M-word last week and now has abruptly disappeared from my life. Granted, the fact that he was using the term "marriage" in a conversation about "us" after only a couple months scared me a little. But now that he's disappeared I'm even more upset.

Maybe I was too cautious when I evaded the discussion of marriage, saying instead we should just take it slow and see where this goes.

Maybe he was tired of little old me not "putting out," thought the marriage discussion would weaken my resolve, then dropped me like a lead brick when that didn't work? The dating gurus say men don't like to tell you they don't want you anymore.

I am going to spend some time with the Lord and then get some sleep.

I hope I will feel better in the morning.

Recovering From Sexual Abuse

2011-02-02T16:12:00.001-08:00

There are more educated and more "formal" sites for recovery, but THIS article on Recovering From Sexual Abuse spoke to my heart.

I especially liked this comment below the article:

I was sexually abused by my half-brother starting at the age of 10 and step-brother as a teenager. My mom chooses not to recognize or deal with the abuse. I grew up in a home where no one ever really told me not to have sex before marriage. This I think was do to the fact that I was born out of wedlock and my mom and biological father didn’t marry until I was a year old and divorced by time I was around 6 years old. My biological father was very abusive to my mom. I witnessed him try to kill my mom 3 times by the time I was 5. This lead to a very promiscuous life as teenager and an unplanned pregnancy at 19. My child was adopted by a wonderful christian couple that God put in my life. I met my future husband a year after this at work. When I saw him God told me he was the one for me. This relationship was different from all the others I had had I past. We had become friends at work over 4 to 5 month. He did ask me out until I quit working there. We were engaged a month later. But due to circumstances didn’t marry until 3 years later. My DH told me that the first time he was me at work he knew I was the one for him. He also told me that God told him that I had been hurt very badly nad would need a lot of love and care. So when I told my DH about my past before we were married he was not upset about and was willing to work throught it with me. I thank God for such a wonderful husband. The biggest problem we face with my abuse came when our daughter was born 4 and a 1/2 years ago after 13 years of marriage. It made me come face to face with my past. My DH and I went through counceling together and got through it. Now our marriag is even stronger and the sex is even better.

I'd like to be a Christian Nympho... One Day!

2011-02-02T14:58:00.000-08:00

Stumbled across this website today...Christian Nymphos... it's for married Christian women who like it spicy in the bedroom, but it really gave me (a saved and sanctified single woman) hope. See, I believe in waiting for marriage to have sex. I also believe that the Lord means it when He says "flee fornication." Contrast that with my expectation that marriage is supposed to be one wild time. Extraordinary pleasure that only comes from being with someone you can completely trust.

Unfortunately, that means the male landscape is pretty bleak for me. Unless you pretend you might one day (soon) give it up, they aren't interested. They might come back around once or twice if they think you are just being a challenge... but after that (when they realize you really ARE waiting for marriage), they kick you to the curb for someone looser. They don't wait for you to explain how exciting you want the marriage bed to be- they just hear that they aren't getting any without a ring.

There are a few "church guys" out there, but I have commiserated with many a pastor's wife about the lack of sexual fulfillment in their marriage. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of pastor/minister's wives in my 10+ years of ministry who were actually pleased in their marriage.

So here's what I wrote the Christian Nymphos admin to see if they knew of a site that would encourage me. If you know of one, please let me know!

Hello. I just discovered your website and sure wish I had it back when I was a pastor's wife. I am now divorced, but will definitely visit your site from time to time, even though you do not allow single women to post (and, honestly, I don't think my hormones can handle reading too much!!!).

My question is: do you know of any blogs/websites that encourage women who believe in waiting until marriage to have sex but at the same time hope (and expect) that said marriage will be spicy?

My last boyfriend told me that the reason I wasn't holding on to a man is that the sexy type I was attracted to wasn't going to wait to marry a woman before having sex with her because she might not be spicy enough and he wouldn't accept that risk. On the other hand, I've met a couple "church" guys who seem like they wouldn't know (or desire) spice even if they WERE married.

I guess what I'm asking is do you know of anywhere online I can be encouraged that I can indeed hold out for what's Godly and one day end up with husbands like yours who don't stifle their wives.

Thank you!

Why People Take Advantage of Me

2011-01-22T11:46:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a series called "You Think You're So Perfect" this month. One thing I talked about was the fact that:

By always having a story to match what they are talking about, I appear to be bragging. This is not my intent. But it doesn't matter. They don't hear, "Wow, I'm so excited to meet you- we have SO much in common!" What they "hear" is that Paris thinks she is better than me. Sometimes they "hear" Paris is so rude that she has no respect for me and my accomplishments!

Now, sometimes when we talk a lot about ourselves, or try to connect with people who have similar experiences by telling our stories, they interpret that as bragging or trying to put them down.

That’s bad, because we can lose friends this way and not even know why.

But there’s something else I want to warn my fellow Aspies about: Sometimes when we do this, people interpret our storytelling as a sign that we must really feel bad about ourselves. They think we are trying too hard for their approval and that means they can take advantage of us. Or, if we are prone to a little exaggeration in our storytelling, they think maybe we’re not “all there in the head” and figure they can get away with doing us wrong.

Then they add us to the list of people they can take advantage of, and they start asking us to do stuff for them that they could do themselves. Or, even worse, we start getting friendly invitations that are really veiled request for us to do something for them.

For example, they ask if we want to go to the mall and hang out. But, we always have to drive.

Or they invite us out to dinner, but forget their wallet so we have to pay. We actually DON’T have to pay! But we think that’s what friends do. And this person seems to be a friend, and we don’t want to jeopardize our new, budding, friendship.

If you get caught in that situation, I’d like to share with you what I do even though I try not to get in these situations anymore by not being very giving. By that I mean, I don’t give cash anymore. I don’t buy things for people unless I really know them and like them. I don’t let people borrow my stuff unless they are really good friends I’ve known a long time, and even then I don’t let them borrow stuff I really want back (because I know I might not ever get it back).

But if I find that a new friendship is more like a “usership” then I stop it by being unavailable.

For example, they ask if we want to go to the mall but I always have to drive, then when they call I might say, “Sure, I’d like to hang out but I’ll have to meet you there. Sorry, I can’t come get you.” It’s even better if I’m already out and about and can use that as an excuse.

Or, if someone invites me to dinner but doesn’t have money to pay, I might cover it if I have room in the budget. If I don’t, I politely say, “I’m sorry, but I only have enough to cover mine, but I’ll help you wash dishes or whatever the staff wants us to do.” Usually they “discover” another card or “find” some money in their pocket. I’ve never had to wash dishes. They really had the money, but were really taking advantage of me.

A friend did this to me one time, but I liked her, so I paid and said it was no big deal. I didn’t stop taking her phone calls, or get mad and say I was going to stop being her friend. But, the next time she wanted to go out, told her when we made plans over the phone that I only had enough funds to cover my portion of the meal. She canceled and we haven’t been out since.

Sometimes we don’t want to do this, because we feel like it makes us look less in their eyes. If you’re out with your coworkers, maybe it’s worth it to let them “take advantage” of you a little bit so you can be “part of the team.” If you’re too independent at work, they won’t like you and it will be hard to get promoted or get along with the team. But even then, coworkers often gang up to take advantage of people (like most of my readers) who aren’t good at social cues. And I've fallen into that trap more times than I wish to count! It's hard not to, because we don't want to appear disagreeable.

So please be careful of the impression you give off. And if you feel like someone is taking advantage of you, stop them. Don’t make excuses for not giving them what they want. Most of the time, they KNOW they are being unreasonable and while they SAY something mean to you so they can save face, deep inside they know you're right.

It’s more important to your well being, your self esteem, and your financial bottom line to spend your time, energy, and money doing what YOU want, not wasting it on what others want. And, BELIEVE IT OR NOT their respect for you goes UP when you put a stop to it.

You Think You're So Perfect, Part 4

2011-01-22T11:14:00.000-08:00

So I've been doing a series called "You Think You're So Perfect" this month. Here's a quote I'd like to expand upon:

By always having a story to match what they are talking about, I appear to be bragging. This is not my intent. But it doesn't matter. They don't hear, "Wow, I'm so excited to meet you- we have SO much in common!" What they "hear" is that Paris thinks she is better than me. Sometimes they "hear" Paris is so rude that she has no respect for me and my accomplishments!

I learned this about 10 or so years ago when I had run into an old college friend who had just started working in my office. We were talking with a group of our coworkers when he started telling a story about his dad almost getting blown up by a terrorist bomb. I was so shocked because we'd been friends in college and I didn't know he shared my experience! Few people had. I asked if he'd been in XYZ country at the time, and began to tell him about what happened to my dad. He looked at me. Looked at my coworkers. And said, very calmly, "I was trying to tell a story. Are you done stealing my limelight?"

You see, he didn't hear "Wow, this girl is really excited to find someone else in the world who knows what it's like to live where terrorist bombs can blow you up." Instead, what he heard is, "Here I am, trying to make friends in my new workcenter and this girl is trying to show me up and make me look bad."

And I didn't realize that to everyone else, I was appearing to cut him down, prevent him from joining the group. That's not what I was trying to do (this was my old college buddy who I was quite fond of!), but that's how it looked to him and the group.

Whether we are NT or Aspie, others don't always think the same way we do. So our job is to figure out how they think and then behave so their mind translates our words and behaviors into the message we really want to give.

And for most people that means trying not to give the impression that we think we're perfect or better than them.

You Think You're So Perfect, Part 3

2011-01-22T11:08:00.000-08:00

One more thought from a quote from my post You Think You're So Perfect, Don't You??

People who are too perfect don't make friends. I have some friends I can talk about that stuff with, but not most of them.

I don't *truly* understand why but accept that the above quote is true. When you're around people who aren't as pretty, accomplished, "good," or experienced, they feel terribly flawed. Part of what I don't understand** is because at the same time, I'm looking at their ability to "read between the lines" and pick up on social cues that I don't see and *I'm* feeling terribly flawed.

Even at church the other day- a group of folks who don't drink were passing around a rum cake. They were all joking about how it takes them back to old times when they used to drink. They were commenting on how strong the cake was. I didn't know what they were talking about so when it came to me, I said, "yum, smells like cake!" They all burst out laughing and teased me about alcohol. They thought I was trying to be funny by pretending I didn't smell the rum, and they liked the joke.

Only it wasn't a joke! I asked if that's what they were talking about- the rum, and told them I didn't smell it. They passed the cake back to me and were shocked that I couldn't smell the rum. I honestly tell you it just smelled like cake. When they quizzed me a bit and discovered that I rarely drank growing up and really, honestly, had no idea what part of the cake smelled like rum, the whole atmosphere changed.

It's happened before- people stiffen up, they draw back from you. You know you've said something wrong, but you usually don't know what. Only, this time I knew because I've been in this situation before. Usually with church folks, strangely.

So I made some comment about how, "well, I never was a drinker or smoker, but I was still deep in SIN." The mood lightened and the rest of the evening was fun.

But it still goes to show: You can't be too "perfect" or too "different" around NTs. They take too great offense.

You Think You're So Perfect, Part 2

2011-01-22T10:58:00.000-08:00

My last post dealt with how most people don’t like to be around perfect people. And how sometimes we give off the impression that we think we are perfect or how we just naturally have "good" habits that make others feel bad about themselves.

I don't get it, but I accept it and try to deal with it.

In this post, I'd like to point out how my thinking differs from the bulk of the population on this. I have more Aspie friends who think like me, so I hope this post will help them (and you) understand some of the differences.

I like being around people who are better than me. It inspires me. Unless they’re the kind that rub my nose in it. I don’t like being around THOSE meanies, but most of the awesome people I know aren’t that mean. They're proud of themselves and enjoy being around people like me who think highly of them and aren't trying to bring them down.

When you're around people who aren't as pretty, accomplished, "good," or experienced, they feel terribly flawed. I have this problem a lot, and I don’t understand why because I’m not perfect! At the same time they think I’m looking down on them, I'm actually looking at their ability to "read between the lines" and pick up on social cues that I don't see and *I'm* feeling terribly flawed.

I don't understand how people are like that, because I DON'T say to myself, "Gee, that person is so awesome and can hear 10 conversations at once. They never forget a face -or a name- and they don't go into sensory overload. They have their lives handed to them on a silver platter and I have to work for every drop of happiness I get. So I hate them."

Instead, I say, "Gee, that person is so awesome and can hear 10 conversations at once. They never forget a face -or a name- and they don't go into sensory overload. Their life does seem to be a lot easier than mine- seems like I have to work for every drop of happiness I get. I wish I could have had that life growing up, but I'm doing pretty good with the life I have. I wonder if they have something cool to teach me, so let's see if they want to grab a coffee"

I DON'T look at a beautiful woman and say, "Gee she is so thin, blond, and gorgeous and all the guys flock to her. I hate her!"

Instead, I say, "Gee she is so thin, blond, and gorgeous and all the guys flock to her. I know I'll never be thin or blond, but her earrings are cute so I'll ask her where she got 'em! And she probably doesn't feel beautiful because all the guys who approach her probably just want sex, and that actually makes you feel REALLY bad inside, so I'll find something to compliment her on and brighten her day."

And I really do say that even though I know most guys like tall, thin, blond girls and I'll never be one. I don't take my sadness at being short, dark, and plump into my interactions with the tall, blonde, and thin girl. She can't help being tall and beautiful. It's a genetic gift. I can't help that I would look bad if I bleached my hair blonde, but I can work with what I've got.

But most girls don't think that way.

Hm, there was a point to all this when I started writing... there really was! Oh, yeah: I just want to remind everyone that we all think differently. Whether we are NT or Aspie, others don't always think the same way we do. So our job is to figure out how they think and then behave so their mind translates our words and behaviors into the message we really want to give.

And for most people that means trying not to give the impression that we think we're perfect.

You Think You're So Perfect, Don't You??

2011-01-22T10:01:00.000-08:00

This is so true- but was a tough lesson for me to learn!

What's wrong with being imperfect? Perfect wouldn't be perfect, would it? ...In case you really don't know....Nobody likes somebody like that -- somebody "perfect" would make everyone feel terribly flawed. So perfect is actually imperfect. If you are imperfect with plenty to improve and a motivation to steadily improve yourself, you're probably as perfect as possible."

I was the kind of kid who never did anything "wrong." You tell me a rule, and I would never break it. I had plenty of social faux-pas, still do, but I've always been a rule follower. I didn't drink before 21. I didn't drive before I had a permit. I never snuck out of my parents house. I never snuck into a club. I've never been high. I didn't go where I knew the kids were doing drugs. I've never skipped school. I had straight As.

I went to college free. I have a great job. And now, thanks to some image counseling early in my career, I'm good looking too so I appear to have it all.*

And I've always been the kind of person to go all-out and learn how to be the best in whatever sport/game/endeavor I'm currently focused on. So when you talk about art, I can reach back to my art phase and talk about my first prizes in art contests. You talk about writing, and I can talk about my published books. You talk about extreme sports, I can talk about skydiving, snowboarding, etc. You talk about third world, I can talk about living in Asia eating dinner picked off the trees outside. You talk about terrorism, I can talk about terrorist bomb that blew up my dad's office (good thing he was late that day) and the protesters camped outside my house during the war. You talk about Berlin, I can show you my piece of the wall. You talk about half the countries in existence, I can pull out my photo album and show you when I was there.

I can talk about all that. But I don’t.

Why? Because when I do so, people think I'm too perfect! Granted, I'm not all those things at once, and I'm really not even that awesome in real life but the fact I've lived in most continents and done more stuff in my lifetime than 10 people put together.

And you know what? People who are too perfect don't make friends. I have some friends I can talk about that stuff with, but not most of them.

I don't *truly* understand why but accept that the above quote is true. When you're around people who aren't as pretty, accomplished, "good," or experienced, they feel terribly flawed. Part of what I don't understand** is because at the same time, I'm looking at their ability to "read between the lines" and pick up on social cues that I don't see and *I'm* feeling terribly flawed.

But my flaws are different.

I’ve boiled it down to two ways that my interactions with people remind them of their flaws (which makes them not want to be around me):

1. By pointing out that I don't share certain of their flaws (no drinking, never smoked, never fornicated, etc) I am communicating to them that I think I am better them. This is not true. But this is what they "hear." They are wrong. But them being wrong doesn't matter. What matters is that they "hear" Paris think she is better than us.

2. By always having a story to match what they are talking about, I appear to be bragging. This is not my intent. But it doesn't matter. They don't hear, "Wow, I'm so excited to meet you- we have SO much in common!" What they "hear" is that Paris thinks she is better than me. Sometimes they "hear" Paris is so rude that she has no respect for me and my accomplishments!

Even now I have to be careful not to fall into old habits. When I say something and suddenly people stiffen up, they draw back from me, the "air" gets tense/uncomfortable, or the conversation starts to die down, I review what I've said to see if I’ve said something explosive or offensive. Then I look to see if it's appearing to them that I am trying to seem perfect. And if it looks like they are taking it to mean I think I am better than them, I throw in some sort of gentle fault and see if that perks things up.

I also try not to win all the time which is getting easier as I get older and not so good at the games anymore because I don't have time to practice! But still from time to time I get on a winning streak and when that happens, I purposefully punctuate that streak with losses.

I have more friends who are accepting of me than ever in my life, but the bottom line is, no one likes a know-it-all, and most people don't like to be around someone who gives off the impression that they are perfect.

Oh, to give credit where credit is due... I got that quote from this website today. I almost hate to admit I was doing this, but I was researching self-esteem. A comment on What Women Never Hear (I can't find it now) said you can't improve self-esteem and I was doing research on that. I actually think you can, and think I did. But am I just fooling myself? After all, when I get sad about myself I REALLY get sad. That's a whole 'nother post!

* Ha ha, as an aside, I wonder if the NTs reading this are saying, “boy this girl is too full of herself! I’m not going to read any more of this.” And, I wonder if the Aspies are saying, “She sounds like someone cool to know! I’m going to read more, then pick her brain to see what I can learn.”

** This is another one of those things that I, as an Aspie, don't understand. I just accept it and try to live with it.

Gotta Stop Hating Myself

2011-01-17T22:50:00.000-08:00

This has truly been a month of tears. But in a good way: The Lord has been opening my eyes to so many hurts since even my youngest memories. I've been reviewing these events, analyzing them for lessons I can learn, and finally feeling the grief/anger/sadness I never allowed myself to feel all these years.

Many hurts over the years were in response to my own behavior. I'm thinking of the many "Take advantage of me" messages I didn't realize I was sending out to NTs that triggered their less-than-ideal treatment of me.* And, the times when I meant to communicate one thought/feeling/message but through a combination of poor non-verbal communication, poor word choice, and sometimes poor behavior (for example, laughing when I am very sad, or yawning when I am exercising very hard)

But some hurts have been external. Realizing that my parents, both (IMHO) wired with ASD tendencies themselves, were at times incapable of providing the love I needed and at other times made choices to their benefit that hindered all of their children.

But as I reflect on these memories, I come to the conclusion that I don't want to be ruled by anxiety, fear, self-hatred.

Anxiety of doing or saying the wrong thing. I have so little approval (and love) from others that I am constantly fearful of blowing it, doing something stupid, saying something that makes no sense, and thus losing what little approval (or love) I receive.

Fear of never accomplishing what I want in life. Yeah, I know to those who read this blog that sounds strange because I am quite accomplished professionally. And I am saved, thus on my way to Heaven. So what more do I want? Well! I want friends. TRUE friends. I've got a ton of facebook friends. But none of them know me. And in my personal life I have a ton of people I can hang out with. My social calendar is rarely empty. But I'm not 100% the real me with those folks.*** I want "Know-I-get-overwhelmed-with-sensory-overload-but-still-loves-me-anyway" friends. I want a man who will be my life partner even though I don't always "get it" and by nature am just a sweet, amicable, lady.**

And self-hatred. I never realized how much I hated myself! And in the process, gave off a vibe that I hated other people, even though I really love them. I have been so critical and not accepting of my own faults (which sub-consciously translate into less love from others) and so demanding of my own perfection that I pushed away the very people I loved.

So I am asking the Lord to help me be characterized by love. LOVE.

Love for myself and others. But I'm starting with myself. Love for myself in spite of my faults and frailties. Love for myself even though I'm not perfect. Love for myself even though I feel I was handicapped by my upbringing (how many mothers do you know left their babies alone in a corner every night so they could run a bar?). Love for who I am and what I've accomplished. Love for ME because God so loved ME that He gave His only begotten Son that I might have life- abundant live NOW and also in the world to come.

I may have seemed very calm on the exterior, but inside filled with this self-loathing. I have made good progress trying to catch the internal dialogue "You're so STUPID!" when I make a mistake and replace it with "You're still learning- pay better attention next time." As I learn to love -not hate- myself, I find that I am much nicer to others. And I'm happier. I'm taking baby steps (with the Lord's help), but at least I'm moving forward.

- Paris

* I am NOT making excuses for how many NTs treat "different" people mean. I'm just accepting the fact that if you are different, if you don't always understand what's going on, if you are a little slow in some areas (even though you are brilliant in others) something about you triggers the beast in them. This beast treats you bad, takes advantage of you, preys on every bit of weakness it can find in you and has absolutely no remorse in doing so. I don't understand this. It just is.

** For the non-dating, you might be surprised to discover that guys don't want sweet nice girls. They want spicy girls. Girls with a quick wit, who are clever and sexy. I'm pretty good looking, but it takes awhile for me to process some things so I will never be quick-witted, and even worse: I prefer to reserve most spiciness for after the wedding ;-) and, well, that pretty much guarantees I'll be single til the Lord returns!

*** We often complain that we can't be the "real us" with anyone. But the truth of the matter is, neither can NTs. Their relationships are often less intense than ours, very superficial, and that's all they get. And they only get that by suppressing their true selves. That's why they cherish the rare moments they can let loose.

Do Aspies Need Healing? Aren't we OK as we are?

2010-12-30T22:19:00.000-08:00

A new acquaintance left this comment on my facebook page:

i feel that God made us for who we are jsut sometiems we need alittle more help but we not need to be fixed . some christians treid to pray for a healing which was ncie of them but i dont need a healing God has helped me allready so.. how do you feel about this?

My reply got me stirred up, so I thought I'd post it here:

Hi XXXXXX, sorry I've been offline so long! I don't know if all Aspies need "fixing" but I know that some of us, myself included, have needed God's power in their lives.

I know some Aspies who just needed to learn some social and emotion management skills. I wouldn't tell them they need a "healing" per se.

I know others (where they fall on the Aspie/Autie scale I don't know) who can't manage money or live their lives without extreme anxiety.

I had a counselor tell me last year that because I had made such good progress in adapting to the NT world that she wasn't sure I was on the spectrum after all, that her opinion is that my Aspie-like symptoms were the result of childhood neglect. When your mom brags about leaving you in a corner so she can run her bar, or brags about how she never played with you, I can certainly say neglect played a role.

But the bottom line is there is an extreme anger and anxiety that used to rise up in me at the slightest provocation, and sometimes with NO provocation, and I do believe that it is only the Spirit of God dwelling in me that has diminished the effect of this imbalance.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law." Gal 5:22-23

These are the things that become more prevalent in our lives as we walk in the Spirit. For many Aspies, the fruits of joy, peace and longsuffering are lacking... and in many cases, love (true, gentle, love for one's self and for others), is lacking too.

As we walk longer with the Lord, His Spirit bears more fruit in our lives and that fruit is the above mentioned things like joy and peace. And as Aspies get more joy and peace etc, their behavior becomes more "normal" and so some consider that a healing.

Then there is the healing like when Jesus laid hands on the blind, the maniac, the suffering and healed them. This kind of healing also happens in my church today.

But the bottom line is we all have a right to be happy with ourselves how we are. Many of us (NTs included) find that we increase happiness by changing our behaviors or thinking patters to match society. But if you enjoy your live without such "bending" then who am I to tell you that you need a healing?

The more I thought about this, the more I thought it deserves more attention, and I intend to write more on this. But I'm still trying to make time for my travel-related posts, so it might be awhile.

For Aspies reading this blog: Think about your life. Are you HAPPY??? I was not happy until I changed some of my behaviors to fit in better (and keep a job better). But I also wasn't happy when I tried to change TOO MUCH to be like others. I am who I am. I have simply learned to coexist and try to minimize how often I offend others. But I don't enjoy loud chaotic environments and that will likely never change. So I don't try to be a party girl. I don't try to like movie theaters or wild parties. I'm still me. I just "blend in" better.

If you're happy great! If you're not, think about what kind of life you want and see what it will take to get you there. Whether you need "healing" or not depends heavily on whether or not you are happy with your life and whether you feel the Lord is calling you to change.

For parents reading this blog: Please ask yourself if your child is happy. If s/he is, and s/he has the skills to continue being happy throughout adult hood, kindly consider leaving them alone. They may not need healing or fixing. They may just be different.

Regular readers to my forum, facebook, and blog posts are probably tired of this example but it's the best one I have: years ago I was berated for telling an NT mom that it's no big deal if her son doesn't play football, never goes to prom. She was very upset that his Aspieness would prevent him from having a "normal" senior year. I tried, unsuccessfully, to explain to her that chances are those things weren't important to HIM... only to HER. She should first see if he even cared before stressing out over it. She couldn't see my point. I could see hers all to well, because my least favorite thing to hear my mom saying was, "Why can't you be more NORMAL??" My attempts to do the things she actually WANTED me to do (get a boyfriend, go to parties, skip school like normal kids) all got me into trouble. Why couldn't she just be happy that I was a studious little bookworm who liked to keep to herself? Today I make more money than all of my siblings and while my life isn't perfect I'm pretty happy too.

WOW that's so much more than I intended to say... but it's heartfelt and I hope it blesses someone.

The Lord is a Great Travel Partner

2010-11-27T17:28:00.000-08:00

I’ve done a lot of traveling over the last couple months, and one thing I have to say about the Lord is He is an AWESOME travel partner. When I listen to the Spirit, I am led in ways my natural intellect just can't fathom. The Lord helps me (when I'm obedient!) know when to keep my mouth shut (a lot!), what question to ask, how to wait so I can come up with the best response. And how to observe others in the meetings so I better pinpoint the buzzwords and "majority opinion" that would make my viewpoints more acceptable to them. The Lord has helped me do a good job (and get paid) during my travels, and to not only be courteous but enjoyable to those around me which has resulted in many travel perks.

Sure, normal people don't have to rehearse things in their head like some of us Aspies do. I could be upset about that, or I could praise God that He came into my life and is now leading me and guiding me.

I have another medium-length trip coming up. After that, I will hopefully get to post the blog notes I’ve written during my travels. I've got blog posts written in my journal on such great topics as face recognition, nonverbal communication, sound overload, and other goodies I observed while traveling. Stay tuned!

Been a Long Time, But The Lord is Keeping Me

2010-09-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone... it's been awhile since I logged in here. I've spent the last two months moving to a new state, new job, new life. I have many "blog posts" pent up in my journal, and hopefully soon I'll get my new life settled and be able to post them.

The bottom line is, I'm doing well and thankful that the Lord is keeping me. I didn't want this move, fought it kicking and screaming, but now I see that it is the hand of the Lord.

God Bless You!

Paris

Fitting In/Being Shy- Advice For Overcoming

2010-06-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

A friend sent me this advice presented (on a public dating forum- click HERE for original post) to someone who is shy and having trouble making friends because she's way more cerebral than most kids. I thought it might help fellow Aspies (whether or not you're dating). Please note, the website this came from is not Christian and you will find a LOT of expletives and rather graphic stuff. But not in this particular shyness post:

if you really want to "fit in" and have more friends, I think you need to try and tap into the energy of your peers a little more. You operate at a completely different level to what they do. Your thought processes are much more complex, so in order to relate and affiliate with them you need to bring yourself back. If it is really what you want then emulate those that you would like to become friends with, while adding a touch of the sophisticated you. As you penetrate a friendship group they will be more accepting of your eccentricities.

My advice however is to be yourself and don't put so much value on having loads of friends. I have had the copious amount of friends thing and find it can be extremely draining of time and energy. I too love to have "me" time and with too many friends that consider you too be one of their "bestees" (my daughters terminology) then it becomes almost impossible to keep everyone happy as you spread your time among many.

How to develop confidence and get on with any complete stranger: Use their name in the conversation; comment on something unusual they are wearing (or appealing facial features etc) or that you know they are passionate about (ie., sport, music, cars, dancing, hair, make-up, fashion etc), allow them to lead the conversation and throw in paraphrasing and jokes that you know will appeal to their level of maturity. With experience and maturity comes confidence Chelse........... but also know, trying too hard can come across as nerdy Grin I hope that might have helped a little. Wink

Let's All Be Secret Millionaires!

2010-06-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

Boldfaced stealing of my best friend's blog post. It's so good I'm not even going ot comment, except that you ought to check out these books. Even if you don't buy them, the amazon reviews alone tell you a LOT about money:

Check out this article about Grace Groner, a woman who lived frugally and then surprised everyone by donating $7 Million to her alma mater.

The tried-and-true tips featured in the article include:

1. Live below your means

Groner lived in a tiny one-bedroom cottage she inherited from a friend. She didn’t own a car and bought her clothes at rummage sales. Mr. Buffett lives in the same Omaha, Neb., home he purchased in 1958 for $31,500.

2. Let it ride

Groner let her investment – three shares of Abbott stock – grow untouched, a strategy of investing often touted by Buffett. While most stocks won’t see the type of returns that Groner saw, “value investing” – which Buffett has come to define as “finding an outstanding company at a sensible price" – and reinvesting the dividends will let you take advantage of the power of compound interest.

3. Discretion

Groner was more circumspect than the megabillionaire. While Buffett’s wealth is well known due to the public nature of his position, only Groner’s attorney knew about her vast reserves until she passed away recently, giving her $7 million estate to her alma mater.

As Thomas Stanley and William Danko write in The Millionaire Next Door:

Wealth is not the same as income. If you make a good income each year and you spend it all, you are not getting wealthier. You are just living high. Wealth is what you accumulate, not what you spend.

I highly recommend both "The Millionaire Next Door" and "Your Money or Your Life." "Your Money or Your Life" is really great for illustrating the point called "Enough" (as in, I have ENOUGH money to live the life I want to live. It teaches you how to get there and how to devote your life to what really matters... in my case, serving the LORD! I'm not sure about their specific investment recommendations, but this book changed my mindset on money a few years ago. "The Millionaire Next Door" amazed me and let me know that "I can do it!" I hope it will encourage you too.

Again, please click on the links above an read about the books, even if you're (like me) too cheap to buy them, LOL!

School of Hard Knocks- Letter to My Friend

2010-06-06T23:09:00.000-07:00

I just wrote this letter to an acquaintance, and thought I'd share parts of it with you (some minor edits for privacy's sake). It's neat to see how my perspective has changed over the last 9 months of being single (and the last 15 of being on my own). I've bolded some "life lessons" I've learned from all this. What do you think?

The single mom thing does get tiresome, but these days I'm realizing how much easier my life is! I think the last six weeks are the first time I actually had fun just living since I got married.

It's a long sob story, so I'll try not to bore you with every little detail, but basically I married the guy I was dating when you and I met. He changed instantly- even at our reception his dad tried to get him to dance with me, kiss me, etc but he would have none of it. He got what he wanted, and didn't have to work anymore. He knew with my religious conviction (and, at the time, low self esteem) I wouldn't leave. And he was right.

He turned out to be one of those guys who is used to mom/auntie/girlfriend taking care of him. He got kicked out of the AF, had a couple jobs, but eventually quit and wouldn't work. I put up with it for a long time (we'll do anything for someone we think loves us, won't we?) but once I began to resolve some issues from childhood, I become stronger and more confident, and also angry at having to work my primary job as well as two side businesses to pay his bills. I make good money. I really shouldn't have had to work so hard! After enough of my complaining that he needed to get a job he gave me an ultimatum: accept him as he is or leave. Well, he didn't actually plan on me leaving, but I did.

I was really hurt for awhile after all this, because after leaving I saw a side of him I never saw before. It scared me, and also strengthened my resolve to press for the divorce last year. He's very unstable, I'm glad we got out when we did. One thing that has helped me recover is now (almost a year after I left) most of our friends (who supported him, not me) are now seeing how erratic his behavior has become, because it's spilled over into his public life. It's a shame, but you can't fix people. They have to fix themselves.

The weird part is, most of my hurt and pain was not from having left him or missing him (I don't) but somewhat selfish pain of realizing all that time I thought we were in love and he was just looking for a meal ticket. And for most of my friends kicking me to the curb and supporting him (he's a well-known minister). And for not leaving that first year, when he first started getting abusive toward me (I almost did, but our counsel convinced me to stay- ugh).

The other weird thing is all this helped me realize that I have (inside) my own ability to be happy, no matter the situation. I'm not dependent on another person to make me happy. Not that I don't want to eventually find someone special, but I'm not sure you can ever know if someone is perfect for you. Some people are more compatible, which makes it easier to have a good relationship, but you just can't know if someone will go crazy 10 years from now.

This month and last were a lot of fun, and I'm amazed at how much easier it is to just have me and the boy to take care of. We've done a lot of "fun things" and also just sitting around watching movies- something I NEVER had time for before because I was too busy finding more ways to make money. I'm actually enjoying stuff rather than stressing about how much it costs (or how much I could have made if I had been out hustling instead of spending time with the boy).

I'm also enjoying being in charge of my life- though that comes at a bit of a cost: I can't blame anyone else anymore. I'm studying people (and couples especially) and I'm noticing good people attract good people. Folks with problems attract folks with problems. People who look (like I did), for someone to make their life complete and/or make them happy and/or take care of them, tend to end up with guys who promise all that in order to manipulate, use, and/or abuse them. People who are confident and maintain respectful boundaries run the risk of not having someone by their side all the time, but on the other hand are in charge of their lives and able to attract good people into their lives.

I guess that's why I say "I hope you find what you are looking for." I wonder if what you really need isn't where you moved to, but inside *you.*

2,363 Emails in my In-Box

2010-05-15T05:53:00.000-07:00

I've been avoiding email all week. Most of it is spam- Viagra ads or Super RX. Or scam schemes, or invitations to porn.

I was going to clean it out today, until I saw the total number: 2,363 items in my in-box.

I know there's a few "real emails" in there. After all, I'm webmaster for several sites, including MarylandAutism.org, so I get service requests and such.

But I bet you this: out of all those emails, I'll bet not one is asking how my day went, or am I ok. I'm sure not one of them is anything personal or expressing any caring.

I've had a rough week. I received some bad news over the weekend, and all week I've been down. Up til yesterday, I did a good job of keeping a stiff upper lip on my job, but I know I've appeared down at church or with my (few) friends.

Problem is, most of my friends are like me- all business. Don't handle emotions well. Care, but don't know how to really help, and too uncomfortable to listen to anyone's pain for too long because there's nothing I can do about it.

And I want to whine, but who cares about my minor issues when one friend just got diagnosed w/cancer. Another's mother is dying, and another's marriage is falling apart.

I'm so glad that the Lord loves us. If I didn't have His love right now, I doubt I'd be sane. And I can at least be thankful that He is using this experience to show me what kind of friend *I* need to learn how to be... the kind of friend I wish I had right now.

He Said "I Love You Mommy!"

2010-04-15T08:44:00.000-07:00

I'm so estatic, I can't believe it...

No, it's not the first time I've heard these words, because as you might have read in my "My First Hug" post, he has been saying "I love you" as a mimicked response to my saying "I love you" since he was about 2.5 years old.

But NOW he has started saying, unprompted, "I love you Mommy!" A couple times it was at awkward random moments,and I wondered if he was just testing for a response, and then repeating behavior which garnered a good response, but most of the time it occurred during "us time." We might be snuggling together, eating together, watching a movie, etc. Often, when he's said it, he throws his little arms around me and then gives me a kiss too.

He's 4.5 years old, and this is music to my ears!!!

Praise God!

A House Divided, Part 2

2010-03-24T16:12:00.000-07:00

On ChristianMingle.com, I took the "Colors" test and found out that I am a core Red (power, gets things done efficentily, wants to be in control). I also found out that I'm almost as strongly blue (intimacy, want to love and be loved by others). I found an interesting quote about people like me:

What if you're purple

Hartman states unequivocally, “The most difficult color combination within one individual is the mixture of Red and Blue.” The reason a Blue-Red combination is such a difficult personality is that the Red and Blue core motives are in direct conflict. The example Hartman used is that a Blue-Red will delegate a task and be cutthroat about getting the job done (Red characteristic), only to feel guilty about it later (Blue characteristic).

Conflict.

A House Divided.

That is the struggle I am overcoming.

I want to be who I am, but feel guilty knowing that means going against the grain of this world and worrying about the impact of my individuality on my son.

I want to be holy, but feel bad because a holy lifestyle condemns others (even church-goers) without my even opening up my mouth.

I don't want to continue living in conflict, being embarrassed about who I am but not desiring to be like others in some ways and unable to change in others.

But the Lord didn't come for us to live in conflict! He came that we might have life and that more abundantly!

Lord help me life a life that honors YOU free from the burdens of man-made guilt-induced conflict.

A House Divided

2010-03-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

Today, while studying scripture, I came across Lk 11:17, where Jesus says "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house divided against a house falleth."

Now, this particular passage is when then Pharisees are trying to acuse Jesus of casting out devils by the power of the devil, but today I saw the proverb from a totally unique perpspective, and thougth I'd share it with you.

A house divided against itself defeats itself. If I am "the house," am I taking actions against myself? I used to. I used to do the following things:

Said I wanted to lose weight, but then ate uncontrollably when I was upset or stressed

Said I wanted to keep my life organized, but came home and dumped papers wherever convenient (but then usually couldn't find them again!)

Said I wanted to ensure my bills were paid on time but then when the bill came in, I lumped it in with the rest of the mail and then somehow forgot it?

Professed my love to someone and then turned around and screamed at them for some stupid little thing.

In short, I was opposing myself! Defeating my own goals! Talking out both sides of my mouth! Making myself miserable through behavior which hindered my goals and my relationship.

These are all behaviors I have overcome in the last year of self-discovery, but I feel some of them (like the eating) creeping back in.

Thankfully, the Lord will give me strength (through His Holy Spirit) to resist the urge to oppose myself so that I don't become, once again, a house divided.

Why God Wants You To Take Care Of Yourself

2010-02-21T13:40:00.001-08:00

I'm currently watching Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind. At one point she goes on a slight tangent about taking care of ourselves -and why we DON'T that really hit home with me:

You only get one body… You can’t go somewhere and order another one…You destroy this one, you’re out!

God wants to work through you; and if you destroy your health and you destroy your body, then He can’t do anything through you either. So you’re cheating yourself, you’re cheating Him, you’re cheating the people around you that God wants to use you to bless.

I think a lot of people don’t take good care of themselves b/c they got a bad attitude toward themselves they don’t think they’re worthy of doing the things they need to do to take care of themselves properly.

Some of you think that all you’re good for is work, work, work, work, all the time you grew up in an atmosphere where the only time people were happy with you was when you were working and producing. And the devil’s got you convinced that to enjoy your life is carnal and a sin. READ John 10:10

WOW! Jesus came that we might have life and that more abundantly!!!

But, especially for those of us with social impairment, we have found that people only "liked" us when we were working hard to please them or make them look good or doing something for them. And so we run ourselves into the ground trying to prove our worth for other PEOPLE, instead of guarding ourselves, and protecting ourselves, so we have enough energy to be used by HIM.

If you are interested in watching her video or reading it's accompanying book, here's the links:

Getting Along With Others

2010-01-08T18:46:00.000-08:00

Being personable makes a WORLD of difference in what behavior workplace peers will tolerate.

And the great thing about us as Aspies is, if we can make "being sociable" our special interest for a time, then we can learn how to get along with people. It's not easy at all, and I find it very draining. BUT it can be done! We can learn from research (internet, etiquette, tv, etc), from interacting with each other (this group, our families, AAGW meetings and other "safe" places), and from PRACTICE.

I am a BIG fan of practice. I used to really hate travel, because I always like things to be the same and to be routine. BUT I now look forward to traveling for my job because each trip is a no-harm-no-foul way to practice meeting people, making them feel special, and getting them to talk about themselves. Those, along with the confidence it takes to strike up a conversation with a total stranger, are some of the skills it takes to get along with others.

If I'm not tired and on people overload, I practice talking to the people on the airplane. The shuttle driver, the person who does my tickets/keys/waitress, etc. I know I won't likely see these people ever again, so if I mess up then it's ok. I won't have impacted my life or my son's life.

The problem, at least for ME is: I can read articles/research all I want, but for some reason it takes practice, practice, practice to be able to learn social cues and learn when I've stepped on someone's toes. I'm getting much better, but sometimes I still act like an ape (such as calling someone out in front of everyone who was bringing outside food into Teaism). If any of you knew me 7 years ago, you'd definitely say I was 100% improved.

I find that reality tv helps, LOL, though I rarely have time to watch it.

This year is the first year I can say that I've done really well talking to people and "getting along with people" more times than I've flubbed it. I've learned a lot of interesting things about people I never would have learned, and it's just more pleasant than sitting by yourself lonely.

I wrote the above on an aspie-only message board where we were talking about how important it is to get along on the job. In spite of my other posts about being lonely, I have learned to make friends and get along with people. I can go somewhere and chat up someone and hang out for an evening and "not be alone."

BUT, what I need to work on now is developing close friendships- the kind where you can bare your soul and know that the person still accepts you the way you are. And for most of my life, I never cared about that (is that an Aspie trait?) but now I do. The "experts" say it takes about 2 years to fully vet someone and know that they are trustworthy enough to be in your "inner circle." So I'll keep being personable, keep being friendly, and keep retreating when I get into "people overload" rather than have a public meltdown), and maybe in a couple years, I'll have the close friendships I see others have.

So unique. So Alone.

2009-12-31T15:50:00.000-08:00

I have learned how to be friendly, and maintain a social calendar that is limited ONLY by my own personal requirement for “quiet time.” I’ve cracked the code on making friends, having fun, living the life.

Or so it seems.

Because I’m really still alone.

It’s easy to have friends when you learn to suppress some of your behaviors. Don’t talk about XYZ with this group. Don’t stim around that group. Don’t frown around most people. Don’t this. Don’t that.

Don’t look at this lunch as a social, fun time for you: look at it as work; you’re networking with the people you work with so they will help you out on the job later when you need them. You’re not shopping with the ladies from church so you can get what you want, but rather, you are shopping with them because for some reason (you still don’t understand) this makes them like you and accept you. Each of these things carry a social dimension that you’re missing, and though you don’t know WHY it works, you know that your life is easier and people help you more when you do these things with the people from job, church, community.

Smile, make small talk, ask about their mothers. Find something to compliment a person you don’t know and make it a challenge: what percentage of strangers at this gathering can you get talking for more than 2 minutes? A social checklist runs in your head, governing every interaction, and reminding you that when you get home you must log the details of your conversation, so that you will remember to ask after so-and-so’s mother and query you-know-who about their sponge hobby next time you meet.

You don’t REALLY watch movies with friends because if they get to talking, you go into sensory overload and can’t process their conversations or the speech from the movie. If you get mad, they get frustrated. So you learn how to control the meltdowns that go along with sensory overload, and go to their house to "watch movies” knowing full well you’re not going to understand anything. You know you will slip out for an extended bathroom break, or go outside to “talk” on your cell phone. But somehow they like you better when you spend time with them, and besides, you can always watch the movie later, by yourself.

When you go shopping with your “friends” you know better than to try and REALLY shop. You want to do it your way, which never seems to be their way. No one else wants to circle the mall 3 times visiting 47 stores to save $2.46 on a specific sweater. No one else wants to try on every article in the store to see if it will fit/flatter you. They just grab and go, but you’re just then getting warmed up. So you smile, and look, but you don’t really shop. You enjoy having friends, but sometimes feel alone.

But at the end of your day, all alone in your room, you realize that you are still alone. And you can go shopping for yourself, and go to dinner with yourself, and watch the shows you want to watch. But there’s no one there to watch them with. Because the minute you want to start doing YOUR stuff YOUR way, those people that filled up your social calendar melt away. Your way is too intense, too demanding, too precise, too full of minutiae, too calculating, too MUCH.

You are so unique. Will you always be alone?

Fun, But Still Alone.

2009-12-31T15:26:00.000-08:00

I wrote the post "So Unique. So Alone." after thinking about two aspie authors who have killed themselves. It happened a long time ago and I don’t remember who they were. A Google search didn’t help me locate info on either of them so if you know who I’m talking about, please send me details. One was a lady whose book really helped me understand about being an Aspie, and the other was a young man whose aspie friendship site really helped others. I discovered them a couple years ago, after just learning about AS myself. I was shocked that someone who appeared to crack the code on friendship and getting along in an NT world would commit suicide. They had it made, right?

But one day I was sitting in my apartment. Alone. I could go to church. But I would still be alone. I can go to work tomorrow and laugh, joke, even go to lunch with my coworkers. But I would still be alone. I could go home to visit family who loves me. But I would still be alone. I can go out to meet new people, by joining a new group or trying to get closer to people I know but haven’t really hung around, because I hope that by meeting lots and lots of people I’ll eventually find some like me. But I’ve only found 1 other person who is enough like me that I can totally be myself around her; and she’s now living on another continent, so most likely I would still be alone.

So I sat there, alone. And felt the most hopeless and forlorn I had felt in a long time. In spite of all my efforts to be friendly, fill up my social calendar, and the fact that I was actually succeeding at my highly interpersonal job, I felt like there was too much missing. Like I would never be able to connect with someone in a way that was fulfilling to ALL of me. The part of me that loves the Lord AND the part of me that loves science AND the part of me that loves food AND the part of me that loves long-distance running AND the part of me that loves being a blend of two ethnic cultures AND the part of me that doesn’t like TV AND the part of me that doesn’t like movie theaters AND the part of me that loves to watch movies at home AND the part of me that likes outdoor sports AND the part of me that loves watching football AND the part of me that hates sports bars.

It sounds dumb when you read it, because none of that SHOULD be enough to make you depressed, but I didn’t want to live. I didn’t want to keep trying. I didn’t want to keep playing the NT game. I didn’t want to have to always adjust myself. It wasn’t fair. Other people didn’t have to change, why should I??? But in that instant, I discovered how others could help 1000s of other Aspies, appear to have cracked the code on how to have the good life, and yet still take their life.

I decided to pick myself up, accept the reality that my life is just going to be more of a battle than other people’s lives seemed to be (which really isn’t true- we just feel that way), and make the best out of a bad situation. Maybe I couldn’t be completely myself around others, but at least I could have fun. And I do have fun. But I have yet to feel as if I "belong," so even in the midst of my fun, I'm still alone.

Change We Actually CAN Believe In

2009-12-23T20:40:00.000-08:00

Copied from my best friend's blog:

After 4 days of travel delays, I finally made it home. Since I’m flying right back out tomorrow afternoon, I decided to get take-out rather than cook. I didn’t realize how generously sized the portions would be, and was surprised when the waitress brought out two large cases of food. I pondered how to balance two cases of food, two large styrofoam cups, a sleepy toddler, and a “you fiend” purse, and had decided to make two trips (and hope I didn’t get robbed), when a white teenage boy offered to carry both cases to the car for me. I glanced at his southern belle of a mom, who further surprised me by nodding her approval, and thanked him heartily as he grabbed the cases for me, opened the door for me, then carried my dinner down to my little red bug at the far end of the parking lot.

This event surprised me for two reasons:

1. My girlfriends and I had just been whining about how the more self-sufficient a woman is, the less likely anyone is to offer her help. It’s a vicious cycle: have to do things yourself, get offered less help, b/c you get offered less help, you have to learn to do more things for yourself. So I was not expecting an offer of help.

2. I’m back home in the Gump, and, well, when was the last time any of you readers saw a white boy offer to help a black woman (unless she was paying him)? Race issues have been heavy on my mind for a while now, and this is the angle I’ll take with the rest of this post.

My thinking about race began a couple days ago when I went to dinner with a friend. I love to try new restaurants, so was excited to go. However, from the moment I walked in, something didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel right when the hostess pointed me to the ladies room, and the feeling didn’t lift when I returned to the foyer at the same time that my friend arrived. The feeling grew worse when we were seated at the worst table and requested to be moved. My friend was rightfully irritated because the place was practically empty and the other two parties were comfortably seated in the far corner. The feeling so colored my perceptions that when my friend discussed “those people” in the white house, I was horrified; having misinterpreted “those people” to mean blacks, not liberals (as was intended, and quickly explained).

The feeling left me a poor dinner partner, I suspect, because it so occupied my mind that I was rendered useless in holding up my end of what should have been a spirited political debate. With few exceptions, I shrugged off each topic with, “you’ve got a good point,” and returned, inwardly, to my reflection of how different it is living as a black person, even in the most powerful nation in the world.

Before I continue, let me say up front that being black in today’s America is NOTHING like it was 50, 40, or even 20 years ago. My struggles pale in comparison to what previous generations had to endure. I am ever so grateful that they kept on keeping on, that they fought the good fight of faith, and that they persevered so I can be where I am today. Praise God for your sacrifices! I am truly thankful.

As I munched on my stale bread and picked out the mushrooms I had asked them not to include in my salad, I thought how different life was for me and my Caucasian friend. I won’t go so far as to accuse the restaurant of seating us by the kitchen to slight us, because we weren’t in the deep south, but I’ve been in many places where there was “meaning” behind giving my group the worst seats in the house, behind getting our order wrong, and behind serving us poor quality food. My friend requested a new seat, but I was caught off guard by the request because I’m quite used to it by now. Not only have I stopped asking to be reseated, but I don’t even notice it anymore. I would never have complained about the stale bread and requested more because I’m used to it. Again, I’m not accusing that restaurant of being racist (this was after a bad blizzard, and it’s far more likely their supply trucks hadn’t come through) but it got me thinking about all the times when such incidences WERE on purpose.

When did I stop insisting on proper treatment? When did I stop noticing? When did I get used to being a second class citizen? When did I switch from outrage at not being served in a store (“uh, no I’ll take the guy behind you”), to acceptance (that’s just the way it is-go along to get along, don’t rock the boat, don’t make life harder for the rest of us)? How did I go from arriving in the USA as a 16 yr old, ready to experience the melting pot, the rainbow, and the land of the free, being shocked at the “isolated” incidences of bigotry I observed that first summer, to the young woman who doesn’t bat an eye when informed of the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment, or told “your son will never attend this school so stop trying.” Perhaps it happened when I moved to a city that has “Cradle of the Confederacy” smack dab in the middle of its city seal.

I tell of my experiences with a smile on my face. It’s a funny aberration of an otherwise great nation. I joke about the “white door” and “black door” some establishments still have (not labeled, of course, but you learn to pay attention after the first time of walking in the wrong door). Why smile, why joke, when it’s really not funny? Because it covers up some of the pain and dissipates some of the anger at not being able to DO anything about it. I tell myself to fight it with my conduct, for as Lt Col Herb Carter (an original Tuskegee Airman) says, “the antidote to racism is excellence in performance.” I try to fool myself by saying it’s a compliment when locals discus, “those people,” or, “the blacks” and qualify their statements with, “but we’re not talking about you.” That is a compliment, right? Right? Yeah. Right.

I thought about a lot more during that dinner, things that I would not feel comfortable printing here, and things I certainly wasn’t going to discuss with my Caucasian friend: experiences with which my civilian, military, and spiritual mentors have held me spellbound, stories they have told us behind closed doors, advice and warnings they have provided that, while contrary to my optimistic, glass-half-full mentality, has always served me well.

In spite of this, I look at how our nation has changed in just a few decades: A friend was telling us how as a teenager she couldn’t go into the restaurants and stores of her home town, but now, in her 60s, she can turn on the TV and look upon a (half) black president. The walls are coming down, the glass ceilings are slowly being broken. I’m not sure things will ever truly be equal, but I do know that my son can aspire to be whatever he wants to be. It may not be easy, but all things are possible. If a young white boy, in the “Cradle of the Confederacy,” is willing to carry a black woman’s packages to her car, and the leader of the free world has some color to his skin, our nation has indeed seen change… change we can actually believe in.

Overcoming Depression, Series Wrap Up

2009-12-23T20:37:00.000-08:00

My hope is that this series has helped others overcome depression by looking at some of the factors that contribute to anxiety/stress in our lives. By reducing the anxiety of daily living, and taking positive action to direct our lives in the way WE want to go, we can begin to climb out of depression and into "life more abundantly."

As a wrap-up, here are my 5 tips to Overcoming Depression:

Tip #1: Tell yourself you are happy

Tip #2: Manage your expectations

Tip #3: Focus on what's good

Tip #4: Make sure your goals are things you can control

Tip 5: Accept yourself the way you are, or do something about it

Please note, thesse posts in no way qualify as professional advice. I am simply telling you what worked for me. Please seek your own counsel before implementing any of this advice.

Overcoming Depression, Part 5

2009-12-23T20:15:00.001-08:00

Today's tip for overcoming depression is, to me, the toughest thing I ever did:

Tip 5: Accept yourself the way you are, or do something about it

To do this, I must examine myself, good and bad, and catagorize myself into things I can change and things I can't.

I must acknowledge what I can't change, and find ways to work around (or overcome)those obstacles. I must also acknowledge what I CAN change, and this can be tough because we really can change more than we like to believe we can.

A couple of examples:

I am African-American. In some places I visit, this affords me poor treatment. I cannot change that, though I can try to limit my travels (as much as possible) to places that aren't predominantly racist. And if I get treated poorly because of race, I can tell myself not to take it personally, not to let the incident get me down.

I am also a woman. In some jobs I've held, I've been told the reason my evals were poor was because I was a woman, not because of poor performance. I can't change that, though when I end up working for a boss who thinks less of women, I can quickly seek out another job. And if I get treated poorly because of gender, I can tell myself not to take it personally, not to let the incident get me down.

I prefer my own natural scent, and often don't understand why others don't agree. However, I have discovered that my scent offends others just as much as it pleases me, so I've learned to use nice grooming products with a pleasant smell and clean myself every morning (whether I feel like I need a wash or not). Being clean and somewhat fashionable results in more positive interactions with others, so this means less times people treat me bad, thus less hurtful experiences to be depressed about.

I must take a hard look at what I can change, and stop making excuses for not changing. If I choose not to change, that's one thing- I must accept the consequences of not changing as a matter of accepting myself the way I am. But many things that contribute to our depression can be changed. Behaviours, mannerisms, the way we present ourselves to others, etc, are things we can change. By changing them, we change how people react to us, and that in turn gives us more positive interactions, which helps lighten our depression.

My life will never be different if I keep doing the same things. Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” and I think he's right.

As much as I like to whine and complain about how other people have it easy, the bottom line is we all have handicaps. We all have personality issues. We all have strengths and weaknesses, including NTs. We all have to overcome SOMETHING, and the first thing we need to overcome is the tendency to look at ourselves and either sugar coat the truth so we can avoid change, or paint ourselves as horrible hopeless creatures, which discourages us so bad that we lose motivation to change.

Overcoming Depression, Part 4

2009-11-28T12:27:00.000-08:00

Today's tip for overcoming depression requires some serious introspection: We're going to look at our goals, and see which ones may be setting us up for failure, and/or depression.

Tip #4: Make sure your goals are things you can control.

In my experience, one of the greatest contributors to depression is the feeling of failure. Failure on the job. Failure on the social scene. Failure with family. Failure with friends. Failure trying to learn a new skill. Join a new club. Find a new outfit. And so on.

One day I realized** that my goals were actually setting me up for failure. I wanted respect, admiration, acceptance.

But you know what?

I can't make that happen. Not one of us has power to control what another person thinks and feels! We can manipulate them (if they care enough about what we think) to get them to say the words we want to hear and even exhibit the behaviors we want to see. But we can't make them love us. We can't make anyone accept us deep down inside.

I can lose weight and get in shape, BUT there's no guarantee others will think I'm beautiful.

I can do things that are friendly and might increase my likableness, such as smiling and asking others about their day, BUT I can't make them like me.

I can make all the money I want, BUT that doesn't guarantee others will value my opinion.

I can do things that are respectable, such as hold a good job and volunteer my time, BUT I can't make others respect me.

I was working hard towards my goals, but coming up short because my goals were not something I could actually accomplish! I was spinning my wheels for nothing! My goals needed adjusting! They needed to be things I could accomplish no matter how other people feel.

For example, instead of trying to lose weight so others would think I was beautiful, I realized that I needed to be in good shape and protect my health whatever they thought of my beauty. Also, I realized that as a black female in a white-male dominated career field, they might never respect me or accept me. I shifted that goal toward doing the best job that I could do. At the same time, I began to seek outlets (or pockets) of creativity where I could be myself amongst like-minded people.

My depression began to lift when, in concert with the other tips I shared previously, when I adjusted my goals. I encourage you to look at your goals and see which ones are things you cannot really control. Write down what you want to get out of life. What are you striving for? Are those dreams under your power? Or do they depend on others. I'm not saying cast aside your dreams -not at all! But if you are struggling with depression, try adding a few goals that are entirely under your control, things you can accomplish no matter how others feel about you. Then go out and do them.

My depression began to lift when, in concert with the other tips I shared previously, when I adjusted my goals and began to accept myself the way I am (which will be the 5th and final goal in this series).

Take Care,
Paris

Overcoming Depression, Part 3

2009-10-24T06:44:00.000-07:00

Today's tip on overcoming depression challenges us to look past the current dismal state we may be feeling, and reaching out to things that are good.

Tip #3: Focus on what's good

When it feels like our world is crashing down around us, and we don't even look for the "light at the end of the tunnel" because we know if we see the light, it's probably a train, we can improve our mood by focusing on what's going right. What things we have going for us. How the world is a better place because we're in it.

For example, one day, I got some very bad news: I found out I did NOT qualify for a program I needed to progress further in my career, and was told (in political, polite, language) that I've gone as far as I can go and I'm the bottom of the barrel. Lots of losers get into this school, so I was feeling really, really, down about it. Now that I'm facing life as a single mom, money has become more important to me. I'm now the provider. And in a couple years, this job will turn into a pumpkin. So I was crying and sad and feeling like nothing in my life was going well. I didn't get the program, my promotion recommendation was laughed at, my weight won't budge (in spite of all these half-marathons I've been running), and my son has developed a very disrespectful mouth.

But then the Lord spoke to me.

And reminded me that my problems are minimal. No, my weight isn't going down, but I'm in great shape and unlike my peers I no longer need medication. I'm not likely to get promoted (*1) but I make good money. And I have a healthy retirement package. No, things aren't going well in the social department either (the dating and friend scene has really changed in the last 15 years since I've swam in it), but I have a beautiful son who gives me a legal excuse to do Aspie things most adults would get disrespected for (like play with sounds (mouth/throat), explore textures (grass, fence, etc), and twirl around like nobody's business).

So, one by one I started thinking about all the good things in my life. What's right. I started praying and thanking God for all the good things.

And I realized, sitting around moping in my room was NOT making the world a better place. So I started (slowly) volunteering again and doing things for others. And slowly but surely this helped pick me up out of my depressive slump.

I encourage you to try these tips, and let me know they work out for you and/or your friends the next time a depression comes along.

(*1) I'm NOT going to say I'll never get promoted, though this school is pretty much required in my line of work, since, after all, promotion comes not from the east, west, or the south- but GOD sets up one and takes down another. If God wants me to get promoted, I will. I have to do the work, of course, but He can put me where He wants me, in spite of what my administration says (ps 76:6-7).

Overcoming Depression, Part 2

2009-10-17T23:52:00.001-07:00

Today's tip on overcoming depression comes from one of the daily "DivorceCare" devotionals I have been receiving.

Tip #2 Manage your expectations

Says Dr. Jim A. Talley "You expected somebody to do something. That person didn't do it, and you get mad. What makes you even madder is that person doesn't seem to give a rip that he or she didn't do it. Now you're really hurt, and you begin to boil on the inside. You shift at that point to real bitterness. You have to go back and reset your expectations to what you can control and deal with. You can't force other people into your expectations."

I was really down about myself- I had worked so hard to lose weight, only to put it all back on when my ex announced our marriage's demise. Then, I was so emotionally overloaded that I felt like I couldn't handle even the smallest stressors. And, to top it off, my friends (what few I have!) were keeping their distance, because they didn't know how to handle the situation.

Through the course, I learned that it's normal to be overwhelmed with a divorce, to have a rough time dealing with things and to respond by overeating (or undereating, if that's your stress-mechanism). I learned to be gentle with myself, and tell myself that it's *normal* to be emotional, *normal* to not be able to focus all day long, *normal* to be sad, and *normal* for others to withdraw from you (either because they don't know how to help, they feel uncomfortable, or they just don't like being around sad people). I told myself NOT to expect my usual star performance on the job, and not to expect that everything would be perfect around the house.

And, over time, it worked. I can go out with those few friends now and have a good time, without thinking about all the hurt I suffered in that marriage. I can focus on losing that weight, and my productivity on the job has returned to normal. I don't have the life I wanted or expected, but things are starting to go really well and my outlook on life has greatly improved.

So, if you're faced with a tough time, try re-evaluating your expectations, and see if there are areas where you can lighten up a little bit.

Overcoming Depression, Part 1

2009-10-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone... I've been gone for a bit between teaching and extensive traveling over the last two months.

I've also had some very low moments where any blog post would have been simply my cry for attention and external affirmation. The change in my family status really hit me hard, and I haven't been this depressed since college, many years ago.

I discovered a few neat "coping" techniques and I thought I'd share them with you over the next few weeks. I don't know of any specific place where I learned of these, but I"m sure I didn't come up with the ideas on my own. They may have come from the Spirit, or perhaps from things I read/learned/overheard but took so long to process that I forgot where the ideas originated.

The first tip is this:

Tell yourself you are happy.

The next time you feel down in the dumps, try remembering something that you have every right to feel good about, and then tell yourself over and over how happy you are about that one thing (even if everything else is going wrong).

If you don't have something that you feel good about, then maybe you can create such a memory by volunteering, accomplishing a task on your "gonna do one day" list, or tackling a concrete project around the house.

Sounds simplistic, but let me illustrate with a real life example:

I received some very good news a couple weeks ago. But, now facing the world as a single mom, I had been quite down in the dumps about my change in marital status. But this very good news should have set me on cloud nine because it is something I had worked 12 years for. I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. XYZ worked out, and now your life will be immensely better. I should have been celebrating, dancing in the streets. Then I decided to tell myself, "I AM happy. I AM so thankful to God that this worked out, and so HAPPY that I won't have to suffer like I expected to." Every time I had a few moments to myself to dwell on things, I kept telling myself over and over: "This is good news! I am SO happy about it! I am not in a 'happy mood' right now, but I'm going to choose to celebrate this good news and be happy about it. Things are falling into place as best as they possibly can, and I'm not going to mope about it. No, I'm going to be happy!"

Without realizing it, I talked myself into a good mood because the next day I was back to my old self, and a few days after that people began to comment about how happy I'd been.

Affirmations really work. Try it and let me know how it works out for you.

Good Colleges for Aspies

2009-09-09T19:53:00.000-07:00

In the article, "More Students With Asperger Syndrome Going to College," ABC news presents a brief discussion of colleges that show promise for young adults with Aspergers. Although a bit sensationalist (for examples phrases like, "As scores of autistic young adults enter universities for the first time", and "deal with the first generation of Asperger's students to hit campuses in large numbers"), the article touches on the main problems Aspie college students have: They can be too trusting, too honest, too easily overwhelmed by a large campus, and then too anxious or stressed to properly ask for help.

Those schools, some of which have AS/ASD specific programs and others which assist students through their disabilities office, include:

For more information, you might also visit:

Higher Education and Autism Spectrum Disorders
University of Connecticut Disabilities Office

Who Not To Trust, part 2

2009-08-28T05:53:00.000-07:00

In yesterday's post, we discussed an article that talks about developing your "Trust Meter" so that you learn who to put full trust in - and who NOT TO.

I think we need to watch out for the opposite side of the coin as well: If someone has shown us love and been kind when we didn't deserve it, we shouldn't let our Aspie tendency toward paranoia convince us that this person won't continue to do so.

Many of us have been so hurt by most people that we scarcely trust anyone and are genuinely shocked when someone truly does something nice for us out of the kindness of their heart.

It is certainly a valid form of protection not to trust people when 99% of people have always meant you harm, but we shouldn't cut off the 1% that loves us, cares about us, and only wants whats best for us.

But sometimes that 1% does something that upsets us or hurts us, and we instantly put them in the "mean people" category with the 99% who have hurt us in the past. But we shouldn't do that at first- we should let them know what they've done to offend us and find out their perspective. Usually they didn't mean to hurt us. Sometimes they thought we'd actually appreciate what they did. Sometimes they just weren't thinking. And, sometimes, they were just having a bad, selfish day. Everybody has a bad, selfish day at least once in their lives.

Sometimes they are telling us what we need to hear but don't WANT to hear, only it's really for our own good.

By working with them to resolve the issue, we can continue to trust them, and not cut them off from bringing future joy into our life.

Don't Get Eaten (Who to Trust & Not to Trust)

2009-08-27T11:10:00.001-07:00

Came across an interesting article on Oprah.com that discussed knowing who to trust. The author provided several questions that can be used like a "TrustMeter" to determine whether or not someone deserves your trust.

What really caught me by suprise was toward the end when the author provided the following quote by Lao Tzu:

The Master…trusts people who are trustworthy...She also trusts people who aren't trustworthy. This is true trust.

Huh? As Aspies, one of the problems we tend to have is TRUSTING the WRONG PEOPLE. So what gives? The article gives a good epxlanation:

Lions and leopards can be trusted to eat animals about my size. Baboons can be trusted to steal food whenever possible. Because I know this, I adapt my behavior to avoid getting eaten or pilfered.

By the same token, if someone in your life pulls in a dismal score on the Trust Test, perpetually failing to keep promises, tell the truth, quit drinking, or show compassion, this is exactly what you can depend on them to keep doing. Addicts can be trusted to lie. Narcissists can be trusted to backstab. And people who reliably do their best, whose stories check out against your own observations, can be trusted to stay relatively honest and stable.

That's powerful! If we know someone is out for themselves and is just using people, then we need to trust them to do what they do. What they've always done. And if they've hurt us, taken advantage of us, made sport of us, or otherwise ridiculed or abused us, we should expect them to continue to do so until we enforce boundaries that keep them from doing so.

Here's the "Trust Test" from that article:

The "yes" questions:

1. Does Person X usually show up on time?
2. When Person X says something is going to happen, does it usually happen?
3. When you hear Person X describing an event and then get more information about that event, does the new information usually match Person X's description?

The "no" questions:

4. Have you ever witnessed Person X lying to someone or assuming you'll help deceive a third person?
5. Does Person X sometimes withhold information in order to make things go more smoothly or to avoid conflict?
6. Have you ever witnessed Person X doing something (lying, cheating, being unkind) that he or she would condemn if another person did it?

As the saying goes, "the way we do anything is the way we do everything." I'm not saying we have the ultimate power or right to judge others. But if you trust someone whose behavior doesn't pass the six screening questions above, your trust-o-meter may well be misaligned. If Person X rated more than one "no" on the first three questions, and more than one "yes" on the second three, they don't warrant total trust at present. If you trust someone who blew all six questions, you need some readjustments. You don't have to change Person X (you can't), but you do need to take a hard look at your own patterns of trust.

By the way, if you're now rationalizing Person X's behavior with arguments like "But he means well" or "It's not her fault; she had a terrible childhood," your trust-o-meter is definitely on the fritz. These are the small lies we use to tell ourselves we're comfortable when we aren't. It's not the end of the world if Person X lies to you. Lying to yourself, on the other hand, can make your life so miserable, the end of the world might be a relief.

You can read the article HERE.

ESPN Surfing Wrong About Asperger's and Empathy

2009-08-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

This just in from Ari Ne'eman, President of ASAN, as an example of how to address negative Aspie press:

From: Ari Ne'eman
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 2:53 PM
Subject: ESPN Surfing Gets it wrong about Asperger's and Empathy
To: espnsurfing@...

Dear ESPN Surfing:

In a recent article on the ESPN Surfing Blog, contributor Jon Coen applauded surfer Clay Marzo's recent win in the Quiksilver Pro Puerto Escondido, adding the following:

"What may have been most interesting is that he was adamant about dedicating his victory to Honolua Bay artist/surfer Ron Cassidy who died at Puerto last year. It's striking because if there was one thing we learned about Marzo in "JAW" and the string of press he got following it, was that his mind doesn't work socially the way ours works. Sure, the win is remarkable, but does this point to some growth in his character as well? Is he developing a sense of empathy uncommon in Asperger's patients?"

While we join Mr. Coen in applauding Clay Marzo's win, we'd like to express concern about the characterization of empathy as uncommon amongst adults and youth diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Autistic people face difficulty perceiving and expressing neurotypical social communication. This communication gap is often misunderstood as a lack of empathy on the part of Autistic people. It is understandable why Mr. Coen repeated this common stereotype, reflecting an outdated understanding of the autism spectrum still frequently cited in media and the medical literature. It has been only relatively recently that the medical community has begun to catch up to what Autistic adults already know - that there is a world of difference between the lack of empathy ascribed to us and the difficulty in communication that we actually experience (Rogers, Dziobek, Hassenstab, Wolf & Convit). However, it is nonetheless important that the record be corrected. This stereotype and similar mischaracterizations of the nature of the autism spectrum is the basis for much of the fear, stigma and prejudice faced by Autistic adults in society today. We encourage ESPN Surfing to correct the record by posting this letter and an accurate explanation of social communication issues faced by Autistic adults on its website.

Regards,
Ari Ne'eman
President
The Autistic Self Advocacy Network
http://www.autisticadvocacy.org
732.763.5530

Aspie Traits: Genetic or Aquired?

2009-08-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

I've been seeing a new counselor for the last couple weeks (because I moved, not because there was something wrong with the other one), and she really blew my mind yesterday.

Basically, she said she didn't think my Aspie traits were due to neurological differences, but rather due to extreme abuse and neglect suffered when I was a kid (loooooong sob story I'll tell you in person sometime). She came to this conclusion because I have a great capacity to learn social cues when given the opportunity. Even though my social talk, eye contact, and other outward behaviors are all part of an intricate script honed over the years I've been working, she says the fact that I even have such a script shows I recognize the importance of relationship dynamics in a way others with AS can't comprehend. Since she's connected with my job, and it will be easier to keep if I don't have a "neurological condition" I'm not interested in pressing the issue, but I'm curious what you readers might think.

Are your AS traits a given, genetic part of you that cannot be changed no matter what?

Or, are they symptoms of withdrawal due to some early childhood trauma and, thus, something you're able to overcome once you a) learn "acceptable" behaviors and b) resolve and grieve for the existing trauma.

Rex Reed's Review of "Adam,"

2009-08-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

I received this notice from one of the facebook autism sites I subscribe to. I suppose the review of the movie itself is good (I haven't seen Adam yet) but I can't BELIEVE what he wrote about Aspies! Aspies get such a bad rap for being self absorbed, but NTs are just as much so! I just think they are better at playing the game and "appearing" to care about others. But really, most people are in it for #1. Hm, maybe I'm just ranting....let me stop ranting and just share with you the notice...

In Rex Reed's review of the movie "Adam," he gave an extremely derogatory description of Asperger's. Among his crimes:

--He referred to Aspies as "Sufferers" of Asperger's.

--He gave an extreme description of Asperger's, saying that it "turns outwardly normal-looking people into high-class idiot savants," and that we are "Challenged by social interactions and given to obsessive routines that revolve around a single subject of interest, they do not like to be touched, they feel incapable of explaining things and they cannot cope with people in general."

--Worst of all, he claimed that "It is lethal to get involved romantically with any person with Asperger’s syndrome, since they care nothing about other people’s feelings, needs or priorities."

(All quotations are from Rex Reed's review, available at http://www.observer.com/2009/movies/hugh-dancy-his-way-superstardom

Please comment on how inaccurate his portrayal of Asperger's is.

Jacob Lawrence Crosby of http://www.facebook.com/l/;ageofautism.com has initiated a campaign to contact the editors of the New York Observer, where the offensive article appeared. (Yes, I know it's mostly a curebie site, but Jake has enough self-respect to speak out against Rex Reed.)

To send a letter to the editor, write to editorial@observer.com

To contact New York Observer Staff and Executives, check out http://www.observer.com/contact

Am I a Glutton? Part 3

2009-08-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

From today's lesson (Day 12) of The Lord's Table:

Overeating is a sin for the following reasons:

Whether we eat or drink, or whatever we do, we are to do to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). God is not glorified when we evidence a lack of self control in our eating habits.

My body is the temple of God (1 Corinthians 3:17, 6:19). The temple of God is not to be destroyed or defiled. Overeating or other sinful eating habits defiles the temple and if continued in can lead to its early destruction.

Sinning leads to slavery (John 8:34). Overeating, like any sin, becomes addictive and can be extremely hard to overcome.

Jesus told us to take up our cross daily (Luke 9:23) and Paul told us to crucify the desires of the flesh (Romans 8:13, Colossians 3:5). To overeat is to gratify the cravings of the flesh, rather than to crucify them. This is sin. This is not to say that it's a sin to eat when hungry. The sin of gluttony is the habit of overeating. Food is not evil, and eating is not a sin.

There are many passages of Scripture which speak of the sin of gluttony; the Bible instructs us to avoid the path of the glutton (Proverbs 23:20-21) and to "put a knife to our throat" if we are given to gluttony (Proverbs 23:2). (The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines gluttony as "excess eating.")

I'm still not 100% sure I would classify my problem of eating as sin, but then again I can see that it's not pleasing to the Lord. Why? Because I comfort myself by eating rather than by running to Him. I use food to calm myself down rather than taking refuge in the shadow of His wings. And finally, when people see me, there's no hiding that I'm larger than average, and thus I am sending a clear signal that I have no self-control, no discipline, and in today's society, that is automatically NOT bringing God any glory. In fact, I don't know what the opposite of "glorifying God through our lives" would be, but when people see us and we're too heavy, our lives have the opposite effect. Rather than glorify God, we are, in effect, telling others that He is not enough so we have to placate ourselves with sin.

Wow, maybe it *is* sin after all.

And maybe I really am a glutton.

I will have to pray about that.

Love is a Choice

2009-08-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

This is the book I'm currently working through. It's actually making me feel better about the breakup of my marriage, because I'm seeing that I attracted a man who used me based on my own unhealthy state. I'm realizing that I went into the marriage uneven to begin with, and in a few years hope to be "sufficiently recovered" to attract better people into my life, whether those are potential marriage partners or just friends.. I'm working through many of the issues (I think) so I expect this whole experience will make me stronger than ever. You might like to check it out:

There's a newer version, but I'm using the old yellow one I bought off Thrift Books for one cent plus shipping.

Kissing My Baby's Face Off (Guilt and Envy)

2009-08-11T15:23:00.001-07:00

In today's video blog, Dr Laura answers a question from a lady who was criticized for kissing her baby too much in public.

I'll be the first to admit I don't like the way Dr. Laura treats most of her radio-show callers, but I really liked this entry. She said in this case it was most likely that the criticism came because of guilt and envy.

I think that applies a lot to all situations, not just the baby kissing.

When people criticize us, why are they doing it?
Do they really have our best interest at heart and are trying to help us?
I think this is rare.

Or (more likely)

Are they guilty they didn't put as much effort into their lives?
Are they envious because we have something they don't?
Are they envious because we are providing something to others (but not them)?
Are they envious of some skill, intelligence, even the Aspie ability to not really "care" about social norms and fashions (and yes, this CAN be a gift)?

I still don't know why people go out of their way to criticize my weight, but 3 years ago someone sat me down and explained to me that most of the criticism I receive is REALLY is out of jealousy. It really helped me to feel better about myself and carry myself with confidence, knowing that I'm not "bad" but that the other person is just envious. I suspect NTs probably pick up on this, but if you have an Aspie relative who seems to be the brunt of outside criticism, you might want to share these questions and get them thinking.

Am I a Glutton? Part 2

2009-08-06T11:06:00.001-07:00

While I'm still quite resistant to the idea that my stress-induced eating is Sin (described as such in The Lord's Table online course I'm taking), I certainly am more aware of it now. I see now that I'm eating out of stress, anxiety, rather than taking it before the Lord, and because my eyes have been opened, I am more often taking it before the Lord rather than soothing myself with something to eat.

It hinders our spiritual development, our relationship with God, to put anything before God and stress eating is certainly putting the comfort derived from food before the comfort of the Spirit.

When I think of the scriptures on gluttony, I don't feel it's describing me. But then, when I did some online research and my eyes were opened that gluttonly isn't just eating. It encompases a variety of excesses, including some that we, as Aspies, really struggle with:
White Stone Journal says there are at least three forms of Gluttony:

1) Wanting more pleasure from something than it was made for.
2) Wanting it exactly our way (delicacy).
3) Demanding too much from people (excessive desire for other people's time or presence).

Yikes and double yikes! I am definitely on that list:

1. I get angry when things/people don't provide the amount of pleasure I (usually unreasonably or illogically) expect it to
2. It has taken a looooooong time for me to realize that it's not all about me- that everything doesn't have to be my way, and that other people can have ideas that are just as good, even of those ideas are nothing like mine.
3. I have long since resigned myself to having an "intense" personality and try hard to realize that other people aren't as intense- so they aren't going to write as long an email, and they aren't going to spend as much time with me (or with my special interest). I've had to reign in myself, stop wanting too much of people. In the process of doing so, I've been able to form more "quality" friendships.

So when I take another look at the idea of gluttony (excess), I realize there are many, many areas of my life that have spiraled out of control.

I guess that's a tough thing about being an Aspie: You can pull it all together for awhile, but if you're not careful, one swoop of life can knock you off your feet and cause it all to unravel.

I'm going to rebuild my life, and in doing so, I hope to fortify myself so that the next circumstance that takes a punch at me knocks me down, but not out. Hope you'll join me.

Am I a Glutton? Part 1

2009-08-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

For those who don't know me, I'm going through a very stressful life change right now. Although things are looking up, I'm having to deal with the consequences of some of my coping mechanisms.

I've tried to:

Give myself space to cry, grieve, and just exist without external pressures
Pull myself out of the aspie trance that often overtakes me around others
Resolve the issues that make me angry, rather than just pushing them under the rug
Remember that most people are unreliable, so I'm not too disappointed in them when they fail to keep their promises
Stop daydreaming so much that I neglect handling necessary business
Pretend I've got it all together when I'm feeling really anxious and on edge (and then rushing home ASAP to de-compress!
Constantly remind myself that looks matter, and no matter how bad I feel, I MUST take care of my grooming and present myself professionally
Remind myself that it's ok to feel a little down considering what I'm going through

I really think I've done a great job in handling all this. But there's one area that looms over me, one tell-tale sign that things are not ok, no matter how good a front I put up when I'm outside the security of my house:

My Weight. It's growing. And the visible expansion of my waistline in such a short period of time tells the world (or at least the people who see me every day) that I'm using food as a crutch, eating uncontrollably, and not taking good care of myself. That statement may not be true (I don't think I'm as bad as I look), but that's how they see me, and I have to acknowledge that.

I've gained 12 pounds in the last 3 months. I know my problem: Stress eating. I have been really, really, stressed trying to adapt to life as a single mom and taking care of all the details that must be wrapped up so I can proceed to make a future for me and my son.

I've always fought a weight problem, but this is just out of control. I started an online course called "The Lord's Table" which seeks to help us break free for the sin of gluttony. I had not considered my eating a sin, and I'm still not sure about that, but the premise of the course seems valid: Acknowledge that overeating is sinful/displeasing in the sight of God, that Jesus Christ died to set us free form the power of sin and that we,walking in newness of life upon salvation, can be free from all such bondage as gluttony, and then drawing nearer (prayer, Bible study) to the Lord when the urge to overeat arises.

We'll see how it goes. I'm going to be gentle with myself, though. I'm quite pleased with how well I've gotten through the last couple months, but I need to end this weight problem asap! I'm bursting out of my work clothes (even my BIG work clothes!!). Keep me in prayer :-)

Evy's Video (Autistic Boy)

2009-08-04T11:57:00.000-07:00

Evy's video- video made as an introduction to an Autistic boy's new teachers so they would understand him. Really poignant how one of his biggest frustrations is that other kids won't play with him.

I wish more would acknowledge the power of God in our heart to fight the monsters within and help us regain control over our lives! This is the secret!

Moving

2009-07-31T04:02:00.001-07:00

Hey all, I'm still in the process of moving. I finally got my internet up and running, but it will still be awhile before I can resume blog posting. Please pray for me and my son as we open this new chapter in our lives.

Listen Up Ladies

2009-07-21T06:56:00.000-07:00

I love this post from Miss Dominique's Blog this is GREAT stuff on taking care of yourself and presenting yourself well. I know it's bad blog-etiquette to simply cut and paste someone else's stuff, but it was so true (and funny) I didn't know what to cut!

Listen Up Ladies!!!

Listen up Ladies!!! Your time has come!! Be Finer than Fine in 2009! You may have had a rough year in 2008… letting ya hair be rough; oops, forgot to smooth the perm? What’s up with the blemishes on the skin? Had your skin looking dry and dull in color, neglecting the pores; and God forbid if you deserted your poor nails, both fingers and toes! Let us not mention how many times we overate, trying to satisfy the voracious appetite we have in our MINDS! OMG… should I go here? Yes, I’m the one to take you there… How about the many times we overspent ourselves, buying too many clothes and not saving ANY money in the pay check!!! Well, that was all 2008. This year, shall we try turning over a new leaf? We shall. Shall I help you? I shall! Listen to Anyana-Dominique, children. It’s never too late to start good habits.

As young women, we believe “Beauty” is just the way you look; but this is not true. Beauty is not having long hair; what if your hair begins to break? Are you no longer beautiful? Beauty is not having a beaming white smile; what if the “yellow” begins to show with age? Are you no longer beautiful? Beauty is not just having a perfect complexion; you know adults get acne too?! Are you no longer beautiful? Beauty is not being skinny; what if you begin having a problem with your thyroid and you gain a little here and there? Are you no longer beautiful? Beauty is not having “colored eyes”; my eyes are dark brown. Am I not beautiful? While all these aforementioned instances play a part in beauty, there is so much more to beauty! Beauty is who you are. Beauty is what you are. Beauty is what you are trying to become. Beautiful is the woman that can manager her money! Beautiful is the woman is secure and self-sufficient! Beautiful is the woman who works hard for the things she has! Beautiful is the woman who learns from her mistakes! Beautiful is the woman who finds joy in the hard times! Beautiful is you; Beautiful is me! Above all, BEAUTIFUL IS THE WOMAN WHO KNOW THE LORD; THERE, HER TRUST, FAITH and HOPE LIES!

Are you feeling empowered? If not, allow me to help you further. I heard from a wise woman that Beauty does not lie in the eyes of the beholder. Look at the cover of the 2005 magazines; you see skinny, light skinned women EVERYWHERE. While nothing is wrong with them or their size, everybody aint skinny or light! I’m a healthy ebony goddess myself. That was “beauty” 2005. Come 2008/2009, it’s all about the curves, the booties and the full-n-plump pouts, and my lord… BREAST IMPLANTS EVERYWHERE! Beauty, if you say, lies in the eye of the beholder, changes like a fad. Beauty, my lovelies, lies in the eye of our creator. The way God sees things differs from what man sees. God sees beauty as how he made you. Whether you be an Ivory, Carmel or Ebony Goddess, God sees you as being beautiful because you are his “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” creation. Yes, God created you. Of course, it helps to have an ideal X and supreme Y chromosome; nevertheless, God sees beauty in each of us. Remember as the times change, God remains the same and the potential he sees in you today, if you keep up the good work, he’ll see in you tomorrow.

***NOTE*** you must understand the analogies below… get it? Got it? GOOD!

If you are an Ivory Queen (light skinned/Caucasian), you are beautiful! Know ye not that in times past, Greek, Chinese and even Roman civilizations used ivory to create beautiful religious objects, precious ornaments and such. You, my Ivory Lovely, bring class and honor to the scene. Ivory is prized and in high demand! If you are a Caramel Delight (brown skinned/international), you are beautiful too! Know ye not that caramel is confectionery! Caramel is used to sweeten and fill the finest desserts! You, my Caramel Lovely, bring taste and pizazz to the scene. Caramel is popular and insanely sweet! If you are an Ebony Goddess (dark skinned), you know you are beautiful! Know ye not that Ebony is the most intensely used black woods known today! Ebony wood polishes smoothly, is high in density and fine in texture. You, my Ebony Lovely, bring strength to the scene. Ebony is ornamental and valuable.

If you are down on your beauty luck, GIRD yourself up and get ready to become BEAUTY in your own expression! Allow me to give you some pointers 101! You know I can’t just have a talk about beauty and not teach you a trick or two! Listen Up.

1. Do your hair!!!!! EVERYDAY. Take good care of your hair. Hair is the glory of a woman. Once you get your hair done, keep it conditioned, trimmed, scalp greased (if needed), and my goodness, WASH YOUR HAIR! Don’t let the person standing behind you smell the funk of your dirty hair! This is unacceptable my lovelies! Do not forget about your deep conditioners (15 minutes under a hooded dryer. Don’t have one? A nice hot towel straight from the dryer will suffice). Try anything with Protein, Cholesterol and peppermint for the tingling sensation that also encourages hair growth! Before you rinse your conditioner out, give your scalp a deeeeeeeeep tissue massage! You will feel great and your scalp will be stimulated, thus, supporting growth. Wrap you hair every night if your style permits; if not, be sure to cover your style in a way that will maintain the style and control. In the AM, unwrap and style as desired. How hard is that! Try Pantene, Crème of Nature or Garnier Frutics products if you are on a budget… However, if you are like me and do not mind spending your dimes for the sake of your hair, try Mizani or Design Essentials (my FAV) Shampoos & Conditioners. Now, if you have a special scalp (dandruff), some remedies never work and you just have to work with your hair and see a dermatologist (more so recommended); however, try moisturizing shampoos that have the pearlescent affect… this means they are conditioning shampoos; you'll love the result! If you decide to use a dandruff shampoo (Head & Shoulders) you MUST follow-up with a moisturizing/conditioning shampoo. Dandruff shampoos are high in acids like Salicylic and Sulfur. While they loosen and remove flakes, they may dry your scalp and strip it of all the natural oils. Thus, you must follow-up with a nice conditioning shampoo and even a good deep conditioner to infuse the moisture back in your scalp and hair. Try not to use shampoos containing tar as they may stunt your hair growth, clogging the pores of your scalp. Also, note that there are two type of dandruff: oily dandruff that does not fall to your shoulders (you have to scratch it off the scalp), yellowish in color and has an odiferous odor. This may simply stem from over-active sebaceous (oil) glands. Treatment: stop using so much daggon grease! You may not need grease on you scalp. IN ADDITION, change your diet; instead of fast food, try a good home cooked meal from Mama! The other, dry dandruff that is flaky, falls to the shoulders, VERY EMBARRASSING and is white and ashy looking in color. This may stem from a lack of water, under-active sebaceous glands, and a faulty diet. Treatment: change your diet and perhaps use light grease with Tea Tree Oil (weird smell… great fungi killer) try Black-N-Sassy Triple Grow grease... it tingle too! Lastly, because the epithelial layer (epidermis or outermost layer) is constantly shedding, allowing new cells to form, your “flakes” may be caused by the rapid shedding of the epithelial layer! Be anxious for nothing my lovely, this is a good thing. Your hair probably grows faster than others.

2. Cleanse your skin (face)! Twice a day, once in the morning and once before bed. This will help those fighting acne. Do not use bar SOAPS as they dry the skin; use a foaming or lathering cream facial wash, perhaps a scrub light enough to use daily. Try clean and clear products for acne prone skin. For normal skin, try Oil of Olay or L’Oreal. Make sure that after every cleansing session you follow-up with a moisturizer. Burt Bee’s makes an excellent Carrot Cream for the daytime (I use it in the evening because it is heavy); Clean and clear Dual Moisturizer makes an amazing moisturizer for the day! Proceed with caution around those eyes! Your skin is thinnest all around the eyelid so be light and gentle when you remove make-up or even rub your eyes. Try using your ring and middle fingers, as they are light to the touch naturally. Keep being rough around those precious eyes little lady and you will have those infamous BAGS! When you cleanse, use upward, circular strokes. If you keep washing your face downward, your skin will soon begin to sag! If you wear Make-up, you especially need to remember to cleanse your skin. Sleeping with make-up on clogs the pores, raising the risk for acne! Just take the time to wash your face; you will be grateful later! If you have acne, please do not pick the pimple… for they do not like to be picked; they have to run their course so they don’t leave an ugly scar. Use a little Witch Hazel every day/night/whenever to help dry the bump. Acne is a disease that forms under the skin and will come through the pores as a pustule (puss-filled pimple) which is contagious. MEANING that if you pop your pimple and the puss oozes and gets everywhere, another pimple may grow around the area. Change your diet my dear! Stop eating the fast food ALL the time. Not too much grease ok? Ok.

3. Brush your teeth! TWICE. Sweet breath is always a winner in any event! Remember, the breath lieth in the tongue, SO brush your tongue! Brush the bridge of your mouth too! GET ALL UP IN YA MOUTH AND BRUSH! For pearly whites, use any toothpaste with baking soda, peroxide, and even throw in some fluoride! Listerine or Crest your mouth out, in the AM and PM! Make your breath sweet when you sleep; it counts too! Chew gum if your jaws permit! Trident White is wonderful! And go to the dentist! I’ll digress from that; I know yawl scared of the dentist!

4. Put some make up on! I know, I know, you want your natural beauty to show! BLAZZAY, BLAZZAY!! Ok, wanna be natural, everyday, a rosy blush on the balls of your cheeks! That’s right. Smile and apply! Not too much now. No matter your color, Maybelline makes a lovely array of rosy colors. You’ll love it; look like a doll! Now, for those (any complexion) like me who like to accentuate the eyes – apply a golden-shimmer to your lids and smooth in; next, apply a matte brownish-red color to the crease; lastly, apply a little bit of a beige color to the brow bone! You’ll love it!! Maybelline make lovely combos! They are ready to apply! NOW, for the best part… EYELASHES!!! If you don’t wear anything out the house… make sure you have on your lashes! Girl, use some of the Turbo Boost, Volume 7x, VERY BLACK mascara from Maybelline. Apply the brush as close to the base of the eyelash as possible! Smooth even strokes will grant the Snuffleupagus (beautiful, full, long curly) affect. NEVER forget the smoothness of your pout!! At night use a nice soft gloss for your lips to ensure they don’t chap overnight. During the day, Victoria’s Secret has a wonderful collection of “Beauty Rush” lip-glosses, very soft in color, more shimmer than anything; but they smell and TASTE great! They are nice and shiny; not quite the chicken grease shine, but enough to make a man melt at the sight of your perfect pout.

5. Care for and cleanse your skin and body! Use cocoa butter emollients that are thick and rich a night or after you shower and in the day time use your smell goods! Men love soft skin! Get your skin to glow! Perfect skin stems from a HIGH intake of water! To wash at night with lathering cream soaps like Dove. Soft Soap makes a beautiful line of body wash! They smell great! Please, don’t use the same towel ALL over. Use the little bath scrunchy for your body AND for those special places; instead you may want to use a towel so you can make sure your hygiene is on point! Let us not forget those under arms. Don’t go the whole day sweating and forget to wash. This causes the onion smell... Oh, now now little sistah, don’t act like you don’t know that smell! You smell it first; you're the closest one to your body! Your nostrils are pointing down, God made the nose like that so no one will have to tell us that we smell! Out with the onion! In with the Roses! Add some exfoliating cream soaps as well! These peel back the layers over skin, revealing a clear complexion, even tone, and skin is soft to the touch! In the daytime, use your smell goods: Bath and Body Works (Cherry Blossom, personal fav) and Victoria’s Secret (High in alcohol – dries the skin, but smells fab!). MAKE sure you always smell good… I love to smell a man when he walks past me… that lingering cologne is sooo beautiful to me; I can’t help but think men like the same. Spray your neck, shoulders, outer wrists, ankles and up your dress (you know what I mean??) SPRAY EVERYWHERE!! My sister, before you go to spraying, wash! NOTE: When the vampire comes to take your blood every month, you have to be cleaner than usual. You must, MUST change your pad/tampon every couple of hours. God forbid if you bleed heavy; you’ll have to take extra care of your lovely lady. There are so many feminine antiperspirant sprays. They smell good and kept odor away. Try it! You’ll love it! They are purse friendly. Also, take advantage of the Always pads with the feminine wipe attached! They make you feel so clean. Try to incorporate a workout regiment! Maybe three times a week at your local gym! You don’t need a personal trainer… just do 1.5 miles/35 minutes on the treadmill. If you’re like me and can’t run, walk briskly at 3.5 MPH with an incline of 10%. It is double the work of running because of the incline; besides, you’ll see results quicker. I began working out every day after work! I absolutely love the way I feel; More energy, my skin glows, metabolism if faster (serious BMs man). You will sleep better, speed up your metabolism and you will begin looking great! Eat the right foods! Its okay to splurge once in a while; but be a good girl and eat what’s healthy and you’ll love the end result!

6. Look great! Buy clothes that accentuate, not take away. Here is a good idea I spread to my girls: every paycheck, buy you a little outfit (new dress, professional attire or “kick it” gear)! Try not to exceed $55.00. This will help you maintain a healthy budget while you get more and more clothes! You will love it! You have to have a budget and stick to it (we will talk about this next) however, you also have to treat yourself! You have to love to dress yourself! You’ll feel better and people will respond to you differently! The long flowing dresses are hot! They are extremely romantic and the guys dig it! You’ll love the way you feel in professional wear! People respond to you as if you are some HIGH-LEVEL executive! I mean the whole nine; slacks (not tight ones… hence, the word slacks) with a beautifully tailored blouse and some pumps! The men race to open doors for you, the women want what you have on, your boss will take you everywhere he/she goes because you represent them well! When you walk, hold your head up and keep your back straight; when you talk, talk clean and proper… no one has to know that you come from the ghetto; and when you enter a room, act as if you know all eyes are on you! I’m not saying be snobby, but you just want to enter a room and let people know you are here and it’s ok to look at you! Always look your best, be your best and do your best! Be an over-achiever! Don’t settle for satisfactory; this gets you nowhere.

How about a break from the physical aspect of beauty; let us go to the mental, spiritual and emotional aspect of beauty. A Beautiful woman is frugal and prudent! Be sure to save your money! A lady in our church shared a wonderful breakdown of an easy budget: when you get your paycheck, obligate 10% of the gross to the Church House for tithes, 40% is yours, and the remaining 50% goes into the savings account that you don’t touch. Now, I have split that last 50% in half because you need a savings account for emergent situations. Therefore, 25% goes to savings and 25% goes into savings that is UNTOUCHABLE! There you have it! Don’t spend too much money eating out; you’ll be surprised how much you save by getting a bowl of noodles of one of those “ready made” frozen meals. You’ll watch your weight and save money! A Beautiful woman also knows the power of prayer! Maintain a healthy prayer life! Be sure to talk to your father; as He knows you better than ANYONE! He loves to hear from his children! He loves to share of grief. He loves to bear our burdens! Be sure you talk to God daily! Before you go to bed, tell God Good Night! I do! I know, God neither slumbers nor sleeps; but you do and you should be polite and tell God, Good Night! You can tell ya lil’ beady head monkey boyfriend Good Night! Don’t get me started! A Beautiful woman is seen rather than heard. I know, I’m not one to talk to much on this; I KNOW I’M LOUD! However, I am Studying to be Quiet. It takes a lot of learning, separating from friends and humility! A Beautiful woman shows herself friendly! You want friends. Be friendly and they will come! A Beautiful woman does not hang in the “IN” crowd though she may be popular! It’s ok to have friends, just don’t go getting mixed up in the wrong company. If you know that you are impressionable, you may want to find a different crowd! It’s ok to separate from your “friends” who careless about their reputation… You know, Association Begets Participation – If you have CLOSE friends (those you hang with) that are doing all manner of evil under the shinning sun, they must go! * Reputation never fades. A good name is more desirable than great wealth.* Never forget that! A Beautiful woman is Patient. Learn how to wait on Jesus. Your strength will be renewed when you begin feeling weak in waiting. Waiting for a man? Gurl, we all are! Waiting for a job? It will come! Waiting for anything? The Lord will supply your needs in due time, I promise! Patience is a virtue that few people have; but they that have it find favor with the Lord. Whatever you are searching for, just know, that “He will make all things beautiful in His time.” A Beautiful woman has Class. A Beautiful woman has Pizzazz. A Beautiful Woman has Virtue. A Beautiful Woman has Standards. She has Goals. She Lives her Dream. A Beautiful woman is like a duck; she lets the little things roll off her back like water! She does not fight. A Beautiful Woman has Love for her fellow sisters. She does not loose sleep over stress. She Smiles. She Laughs. She makes the Sun Rise. She makes the Moon Glow. A Beautiful Woman is a Peacemaker. A Beautiful Woman is Beautiful inside and out

The Aspie Macrobiologist

2009-07-14T15:55:00.000-07:00

Here is a story from Healing is a Choice
by Steve Arterburn. I've entitled the story, The Aspie Macrobiologist, because (while Dr Arterburn does not say so) I think many Aspies can identify with him.

This man has a very high IQ and is a microbiologist and nuclear physicist -or at least he has the degree and the experience to be one. He is, however, a postal worker who drives his route alone in a truck, comes home to an empty house without even a pet, watches television, goes to bed, and starts the whole process all over again the next day.

He suffers from social anxiety. People drive him away or up the wall. He is uncomfortable every moment he is around others. This discomfort often leads to inappropriate interactions, which have caused him to lose job after job. Following his last job fiasco, he saw a newspaper ad about joining the postal workforce and has been able to hold down a job as a traveling postal worker for a few years. He has been able to earn a consistent paycheck, but he is miserable.

It is difficult to show up day after day and do a good job as a postal worker if you are called to be a microbiologist. Many of our listeners are postal workers...and they love their jobs...they are energized by the job. It would be a very difficult job, however, if you believe that everything in you was designed for microbiology. Postal delivery would be a very tough job if you have memories of wanting to know details about how things work and spent hours as a boy looking at leaves and seawater and anything else you could fit under your microscope.

I asked this man with an IQ far beyond mine, how has the ability to study and focus far beyond my ability, "What have you done to help yourself feel more comfortable around other people?" He had done nothing. He had never sought any help for himself. He had never Googled "anxiety" or searched the yellow pages to find a counselor...he held on to the notion that he would one day figure out the answer and help himself live the life he wanted. At his age, however, the rut he was living in was growing deeper and deeper. Perhaps talking to me was the first step toward helping his life.

If this sounds like you- and a few years ago, this guy sounded like me- please seek out help. You CAN learn to interact in the social world. You CAN overcome the obstacles to living the life you dream of. I know my posts have been a little down lately, but that's because I'm going through a sad family situation, and after awhile the sun will shine on both me and my family. It will for you, too, if you work on it.

Interested in the book? Read the Amazon reviews (you'll learn a lot just from the reviews), then get it from the library!

Sure, It Gives Your Life Meaning, But it DOES NOT Pay the Bills

2009-07-14T07:23:00.001-07:00

This is what I just told myself after spending an hour or so reading and responding to emails, blog comments, and facebook. Inner conversation went like this:

Oh my goodness, I can't believe I spent an hour on this! I was supposed to do the find the budget worksheet and get back to work.

Well, there's no harm in losing an hour- these people {the people I was responding to} give my life meaning, make me feel better about myself, and let me know I'm making a difference.

Sure, it gives your life meaning, but that DOES NOT pay the bills!!

Interacting with my Aspie friends out there gives my life meaning- I love the connections I've made, and it puts a perspective to my life (making the sorrows seem less threatening and giving me opportunities to share my joyous moments). The feelings of belonging are so addictive, that I am tempted to spend more than just my lunch period home working on it. But if I do that too often, my production at work will fall off. And eventually, while they can't fire me, they'll find someone more productive to give all the juicy, lucrative assignments. And then I won't be able to maintain my lifestyle and pay my bills.

So, if you're like me, wasting time on the computer that should be better put to use whether it's performing at your job, taking care of the house, "loving on" your kids, or spending quality time with the Lord, STOP RIGHT NOW and GO DO IT for at least ten minutes.

Then come back and comment on my blog LOL!!!

A Better Day

2009-07-10T03:55:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me last night that I hadn't cried myself to sleep in almost a week.

For two months after receiving some bad family news, I pretty much cried myself to sleep every night.

And now, though I'm still kinda down, I'm realizing that when one door closes, another opens. One chapter of my life- that I wasn't ready to end- has closed on me and now I need to look forward to the door that's about to open.

Thanks everyone for your support through this tough time- for carrying me until I could stop crying and see "A Better Day."

Fat, Dumb, and Happy

2009-07-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

The phrase, "Fat, Dumb, and Happy" is stuck in my mind because I've been wondering what life would be like if I never realized I was "different."

There was a time, back in high school, when I was blissfully unaware of my differences. Sure, I didn't have a lot of friends, but that's because I was focused on grades to get free college ride. And I was a nerd. Lack of friendship was expected. But when I went to college, my eyes were opened. I saw that others -even nerds- experienced a depth in relationships I had never known. I saw that people treat me worse when I presented myself as "me," and learned how to project a confidence I don't really feel. I lost about 60 pounds, became part of the "normal weight club" and discovered just how horribly others thought of "fatties" LIKE ME. Even now I can hardly purchase groceries without worrying over whether people are judging me for what I throw in the basket, for I've regained a few of those pounds.

I know I should be thankful. These revelations have allowed me to ascend to a higher professional status than I deserve. To make more money than I deserve. To be more than the Goodwill Janitor prescribed by my psych eval no offense to my Goodwill brethren intended- I'm just saying I should be where you are, but praise God, am able to hold a better job. I also have more social interaction, participate in networking events, and are routinely invited to events with coworkers (though none are as fulfilling as my friendships with a handful of other intense Aspies).

But on the other hand, my days are shadowed by a growing dislike of my natural self and seething anger of the injustice of having to conform. Before I knew I was different, I was happy. Happy with who I was and what I could accomplish.

What if I still believed that everyone else out there processes information like I do, or that they all have the same level of social interaction as I do. To not know how they belittle me when my weight creeps up. To not know how they make fun of my strange behaviors (before I learned to control and hide them). I wonder what it would be like to go back to not caring what anyone thinks of me. And one day, when I secure my retirement, and buy my house in the middle of nowhere, I intend to do just that. But it won't be the same for me.

It takes every ounce of energy I have to put up the proper front during the day, leaving me collapsed in a heap at the end of the day, with little time or energy for the things that truly give me joy. Why do I continue? Because I want to keep my job til I can retire, and I want people to take good care of my son while he's under my care. Those two goals inflict a requirement to get along with others, play "the game," be mindful of what they think about my appearance, behavior, life, etc. I tell myself it will be worth it 10 years from now when I have a "check for life" coming in and my son is a confident, productive member of society. I also tell myself that one day I will accept myself for who I am, embrace the good and the bad, and stop holding myself to someone else's standards of who I should be.

But until then, I'll sludge along and try not to look back wistfully at the days when I was "Fat, Dumb, and Happy."

Angry Aspies (another rant on friendship)

2009-06-20T15:41:00.000-07:00

I've got an anger management problem. Do you? I'm working on it, and getting a LOT better. I'm discovering a LOT of my life is faling into place as I address the things that built up this intense anger I carry within me.

I think many Aspies are wired to get angry with less provocation and in a more violent manner than NTs, and I think a lot of it has to deal with not understanding what happened but not being pleased about it on the subconscious level. I wonder if being different sets up a cycle of anger: be different, get treated bad, find yourself unable to process or express feelings, get angry and act our (different, weird) b/c you can't understand the rage you're feeling and just want it to stop, get treated bad because you're different, and on it goes.

We don't even realize it, but our tendencey to "hijack conversations" or "share" or lecture may be driven by our deep-seated inner desire to prove our selves. We may not even be aware of it- or even aware that we ARE trying to prove ourselves. But deep down, we're trying to prove that we're just as good as anyone else. That we deserve to be treated just as good as anyone else. When I discovered this about myself (almost a year ago) it knocked the wind out of me. All of my accomplishments up to that point meant nothing, because they could never fill the void by parents treating me bad (just leave her in the corner- she'll never be normal) and kids treating me bad (she's so stooooo-pid).

I see a lot of Aspies who are angry because life hasn't treated us fair, and we see people who are less smart, less perfect, and less fill-in-the-blank getting ahead when all we get is shunned. They're jerks, and everyone likes them. We're amazing, and no one likes us. We get angrier, and insist upon those areas in which we can prove our worth by being right.

Problem is, to the outside observer, we're not as cool and perfect as we think we are. And until we are humbled, that attitude of "always right" will turn people off (and against us) before we can get close enough to say hi. I'm not sure how NTs pick up on it, but they do. Normal people have normal faults. Normal people forget about stuff pretty quickly (even commitments, unfortunately). Normal people don't know about or know how to do everything. When I run off the long list of businesses and community boards on which I serve, people think I'm making it up because Normal People can't do all of that at one time. Normal people only go on ad-infinitum about their special interest (if they have one) with others who share that interest. Normal people have the discretion not to share too much personal history too soon.

When we show ourselves to be outside the range of "normal" we are sending a clear signal to "normal people" that they should stay away from us. We're going to take up a lot of their time. We're going to want to talk a loooooong time, mostly about us and how right we are, and other things they aren't interested in. We're going to send loooooooong emails that their minds can't follow. We're going to use, abuse, embarrass, or just plain inconvenience them, and unless they have issues, they are going to move on and be friends with someone else.

What's left? We end up scraping the bottom of the barrel and find people who use, abuse, embarrass, and inconvenience us. We're not happy with the relationship, but we don't dare end it because we don't have a lot of friends to choose from.

I learned this the hard way. I'm telling you, so you can avoid making my mistakes, and maybe have good friends in your teens and twenties, instead of waiting til your late thirties and forties to figure this stuff out. If you have an anger problem, get some help on getting in touch with your feelings and what's causing them. Once you know what's making you angry, you can fix it. Learning how to identify and fix anger causing situations will help you end toxic relationships, which will help you respect yourself more, and that in turn will help you attract better people. Not sure why that works, but it does.

Hope it helps.

How To Lose A Friendship Before It Starts

2009-06-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

Let me share with you an excerpt from my list of “No-Nos,” things I used to do that kept me from making friends with "quality" people. I've come a long way in my behavior over the last 10-12 years, so I don't mind sharing. Maybe you'll recognize yourself or someone you know in some parts of this list.

First, I'd like to mention we need to be careful of calling people "friends." I often used to consider people my friends then they were actually just being polite. Because I would never invite someone to join me if I didn't want them there, it's hard to for me to remember that people often act like they want us around when they don't. They're just being polite. We're supposed to pick up on the subtle hints and conveniently come up with other plans. Subtle hints are hard for most Aspies to catch, but I'm getting better and I'm sure you will too.

We have to remember that people won't generally tell us if these things are a problem. They will just avoid us in public and conveniently forget about us when doing things as a group, even if they like our personality and have no problem hanging out with us one-on-one in private. It is more important to MOST people to fit in than to nurture our friendship if our friendship threatens their ability to fit in with the group.

Dominating the conversation, turning every conversation to be something about ourselves or our special interest. Even when talking about "them" somehow our comments always insert *us* and our accomplishments. We think we are building a bridge by sharing what we have in common. Others take it as bragging, narcissism, or dominating the conversation. I still have to watch out for this.
Digging in eyes, ears, scratching scalp, or picking nails in public. Especially for women- you are not supposed to touch your face a lot, unless it is with a napkin or to push up glasses, etc. Good thing my mom taught me not to pick my nose, or I probably would have done that too.
Poor grooming- look disheveled, strong body scent (according to their standards), hair not done (according to their standards), visible dirt on body, clothes rumpled or dirty (remember, they don't have tactile issues and don't understand why we always want to wear that same soft outfit all the time), also, if the group is fashionable (clothing, style) and you're not- the members of the group are less likely to invite you along, even if they like hanging around with you one-on-one (in private)
Talking too loud in public
Lack of "discretion," talking about things that are not "socially acceptable" As an example: in the airport one day, an aspie friend and I were talking about her upbringing. She explained childhood physical and sexual abuse in explicit detail, and was quite loud and agitated. I noticed that other passengers were getting uncomfortable with our conversation and directed it to something less distressing for those who overheard us. I consider this a victory, because 10 years ago I wouldn't have noticed their discomfort, and even if I had, I would have thought tough- that’s their problem and been happy to shake them out of their idyllic fake reality! I wouldn't have realized that extreme abuse isn't the kind of thing you talk about loudly in the airport waiting room.
Always dropping stuff because of carrying too much or too unorganized; always fumbling to find keys wallet, etc
Always tripping, falling, stumbling, etc. This is tough to overcome because many Aspies have spatial/clumsiness problems.
Always causing "trouble" by too many special requests at the restaurant, or by asking too many questions when someone "hooks up" your group with a special deal (I always did this, because I was scared I was getting conned or they were going to charge me later)
Being too critical of others (because we're so perfect, this is easy to do, LOL)
Acting "weird," which is admittedly hard to quantify but basically most people don't like to stand out. And they don't want to be in a group with someone who sticks out like a sore thumb. Sometimes I have to be "true to myself" and stand out, but I have to accept the consequence that the people I'm with will be less likely to invite me along next time.

Like I said, most NTs won’t come out and tell you these things. And a lot of Aspies won’t either, because in most of the Aspie groups I’ve attended, much of the above doesn’t bother anyone. I guess we all carry too much stuff, and we’re all tripping and bumping into things. Or stimming in public. Or looking a little rumpled. I learned this stuff through trial and error and by overhearing what people say about me and others like me. BTW: If this looks familiar to you, it’s because I pulled it from another post I made to an anonymous aspie group I frequent. Hope it is of some use to you.

Run a Marathon With Severe Autism

2009-06-13T16:04:00.001-07:00

Since I'm training for my first-ever marathon this fall, I subscribed to Runner's World Magazine. One of my first issues, April 2009, tells (briefly) the story of Jonathan Brunot, a 19 year old from West Hempstead, NY. He's autistic, and according to the blurb, only speaks 10 words.

He ran the NYC Marathon in 4:49 with Rolling Thunder, a special-needs running program. At the finish, he clapped and waved to his parents for the first time.

Wow.

Says Brunot's trainer, Vincent Del-cid: "At the marathon, Jonathan was confused at first by the crowds as they cheered for him, but then he liked it and started to run faster. When he received his medal, he looked up at me and said, 'Malathon.'"

While Runner's World homepage no longer has the article, you can read more about autistic runners at these links:

Asia Running (blog of an autistic marathoner)
Autistic Runners (on Autism Runs Blog, by an autism dad)
Athletes with Autistic Spectrum Disorders (an article by Jennifer Copley)
Runman, blog of Autistic Runner Alex Bain (who you can see on the YouTube video below)

How to Handle "Typical" Unreliable People

2009-06-13T07:48:00.001-07:00

I wrote this response to an Anonymous commenter who asked how to deal with the fact that most "typical" people don't value being reliable and following through on their word. You can see her comment on my "If Your Friends are Just Using You, They're Not Really Friends" post, but Blogger wouldn't accept the html link for the books, so here it is as a post.

Thank you for your comment. Let me recommend two books:

That's Not What I Meant!

You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

I don't know why most people don't feel the need to be honest and reliable.

I DO know, however, that it is so "normal" to be dishonest, that when I answered a psychological eval question "I never lie" with "true of me all the time" the person who interpreted the test told me it most likely indicated I am putting up a front. I asked why that would be- I really DON'T lie. He said that everyone (of normal psychology) lies and that if one says they don't lie, they are either of abnormal neurology (such as autism) or they are trying to pretend they never lie so that they will look good to others (thus, they are putting up a front). Very weird, IMHO.

Personally, here is the way I deal with it:

1. I do not "depend" on "typical" people. I make plans but typically have a backup in mind "just in case." I enjoy their company, but don't rely on it.

2. I keep in mind that "typical" people often say they want to do something, go somewhere, make XYZ agreement, when they don't. In many cases, they are making subtle hints that we (if we were typical) would pick up on and realize that they weren't going to follow through.

3. I really don't "plan" too many things anymore, because "typical" people are too fickle, and they don't feel the same sense of obligation I do about things. If I say I'm coming, then I'm coming no matter what it takes. If I say I'll do XYZ for you, short of death and dismemberment, I'll do it. Most people aren't like that. They'll go with the best thing going, and when something better comes along, they'll forget they made plans with me.

4. If I do "plan" something, it's a common area event- by that I mean, it's something like going to a museum or a race, where I can still enjoy myself whether everyone comes or I end up by myself. My "social calender" isn't as full as it used to look, but my interactions are much more enjoyable.

5. Finally, and this has been the HARDEST part of my walk, has been realizing that people just don't like being around me too long. I'm too honest, live too clean a lifestyle, and I don't watch a whole lot of junk. In other works, I'm pretty boring, and my lifestyle condemns others (especially other Christians). Even though I'm learning to season my words with grace, and I'm getting better at social interaction, I've accepted the fact that until I make people feel good about themselves when they're around me, and until I squelch any embarrassing habits I have, I'm going to be alone more than I want. The good news is, I don't want to be alone forever, and that has inspired me to change over the past few years. I'm still rough around the edges, but ask those who have known me- they'll tell you I've come a loooooong way.

Hating Yourself Will NOT Solve the Problem

2009-06-12T03:50:00.001-07:00

I will expound on this more when I get home from work, but right now I have been constantly re-playing the following conversation in my mind:

Thought #1: Argh! I can't believe I am so stupid (fat, ugly, insert whatever). I HATE myself!

Thought #2: Wait now, hating myself will not solve the problem. I've been working out, taking better care of my grooming, trying to get more organized (etc). These things are solving the problem. But hating myself will not solve the problem.

I feel a small sense of victory, because a couple weeks ago, thought #2 wouldn't have entered into my process. It was just a constant string of, "I hate myself," mostly in reaction to some bad news I received two months ago. I guess the moral of the story is, if you know anyone who is really hating themselves right now, encourage them to look at what they can actively do to make their lives better. This will help them combat the depression that comes with self-hatred. At least, it's helping me.

If Your Friends are Just Using You, They're Not Really Friends

2009-06-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight I posted a response to someone whose "friends" didn't seem to really care about xem. While the message board itself is anonymous, so I won't post the original message or details, I thought my response might help some of my fellow Aspies and autistic children of my NT readers. Here it is:

Hi XXXXXX,

You are not alone.

Unfortunately, I don't have the answer for you, but I can tell you a little about my experience... warning, this is very long...

It was heartbreaking for me to realize, toward the end of my senior year of college, that my friendships were shallow and one-sided. Every once in a blue moon I'd find someone who just liked hanging around me- watching the same things I watch, going to bookstores, going hiking, but for the most part my "friends" had specific agendas:

They didn't have anyone else to hang around with at the moment
If they wanted to talk and whine about their problems and all their other friends were tired of listening to it
They wanted to use me/take advantage of me

Some examples of "3" include:

In school I was one of few students who had a car, so I would get offers to go places if I drove. I often got "friends" who needed help on their homework (I was an honor roll student) and "liked me" long enough to get the homework or project done. Sometimes the Christian and Mormon girls would need a "chaperone" and invite me to tag along with them hiking with a guy.

Even though it's in my nature to want to help everyone and do things for people, I try really hard to resist now. People that are just using others do not care about the people they are using. In fact, I've worked with a lot of people that think those of us who are willing to help were put here to be taken advantage of. Basically, they subscribe to the belief that some people were made to be used, and it's ok to take advantage of someone if they deserve it. Of course I don't believe this, myself, but since I know most of my coworkers do I try to keep myself from doing things for them so I don't establish a cycle of being used.

After realizing most of my friendships were not really friendships at all, I made a concerted effort to minimize my involvement with those who are only out to use me. So I saw that someone didn't really care for me (because they never wanted to do what I want, and when we did stuff I always gave, never received, or they never cared how I was, only about themselves), I stopped doing things for them and I stop talking to them. Not completely, but mostly. It hurt to lose my friends. But they weren't really friends. And the funny thing is, I opened myself up to finding new friends (at church, the bookstore) now that I wasn't wasting all my time trying to please people who didn't really care about me.

Nowadays, when I meet someone, I am very careful not to do things for them or to tell too many of my stories. It's hard because I always want to help. Early on, I let others to talk more about themselves because the more you let others talk, the more they will enjoy being around you. But I keep an eye out for clues that this friendship will be one-sided, abusive, or just plain depressing, and if so, then I minimize my time spent with that person.

Some main results of this are:

(good result) I feel much better about myself. I don't feel like a doormat anymore. Sometimes I will accommodate someone who is just trying to use me, but usually only if it's in line with my own personal goals to do so.
(good result) I have a lower percentage of "superficial friendships." When I stopped letting people use me all the time, they moved on to other targets, er, I mean, more accommodating people. And it seems like when I started treating myself better by getting rid of people who were toxic for me, I started attracting better people into my life. Not MORE people, but BETTER people.
(sometimes depressing result) of course, that unfortunately means I have less friends overall. I go more places by myself and do more things by myself. I'm not completely happy about that, but now when I do go out with people, I have more meaningful interaction so when I get down about being alone more than I like, I tell myself "choose quality over quantity."
(really caught me by surprise) Finally, I want to note a side-effect of this change in my life is that, over time, I stopped really trusting people who come in to my life. meetings notwithstanding, I find if someone new is really friendly to me, or really seems interested in me, I get wary and start looking for "what do they want? what are they trying to butter me up for? what are they trying to get out of me?" 99% of the time they are, indeed, trying to take advantage of me. But I try to keep an open mind because every so often someone comes along who is just happy to meet someone like me (who is just like them).

Two big caveats I need to add to my advice are:

I, like most Aspies, have the problem of driving away "quality people" by expecting them to be like us. They're not. Even another Aspie isn’t going to be just like me. We can't always gauge someone's friendship potential by what we want or by whether or not our needs are always met because we may have unique needs other people are unable to meet. For example, I am a very "intense" person. Most people are not as intense, and will never be able to satisfy my need for that "intensity" in friendships. For example, I'm sure you couldn't tell by the length of this post, LOL, but I love long detailed descriptions. Most people (especially NTs) like to keep emails and posts to one or two paragraphs at most, and get overwhelmed when I send something this long. I can't allow myself to feel like they don't care about me if I write them a book and they just send one or two lines back. MOST people send short emails. That's NORMAL. They don't LIKE long emails. So I have to accept that. I have a few friends who like to write the way I do, and I always have to encourage them to ramble on and express themselves, otherwise they have been so conditioned by everyone else that they will automatically shorten what they say to me. I can't judge others by my own personal conduct because my conduct is not "normal."
Many people are, as XXXXXXXXX2 mentioned, narcissistic and only friends with us to feed their own egos and meet their own goals. It's good to stay away from those folks (because they drain us, and make us depressed) but we need to be honest with ourselves and realize that most of us are a little like that- we want friends that like US, make US feel good about ourselves, listen to US, and are interested in US. Since I know this is true for me, I don't cut off interaction with everyone who is just out for themselves, but I keep my expectations realistic. For example, a coworker often arranges events (dinners, trips, museums, etc). She has the personality that always finds special deals and gets people to make special concessions for her. We have spent a good portion of free time together, but I have no false expectations that she cares deeply about me. She simply does not like to be alone, and since I'm adventurous but unable to come up with the cool events she does, the "relationship" works for both of us.

Wow, that's longer than usual but I hope you are encouraged to know you are not alone and that you DON'T have to SETTLE for poor quality relationships. We still have to work with (and sometimes live with) people who are not good for us, but we don't have to spend our free time being hurt and ignored. It takes time to attract quality people into your life, but the first step is valuing yourself enough to put aside the people who are causing you pain.

Social Graces, or Lack Therof

2009-05-23T06:53:00.001-07:00

My friends and I have been discussing how for us learning to be sociable is like cataloging experiences. We learn through discovery (whether ours or someone else's) and then catalog the right and wrong responses as we discover them. When the next situation comes up, we run through our catalogs and find the best matching response to throw out. For example, asking how are you (something I hate because usually no one really wants to know):

She asked "How are you today?"
Do I know her- > No. So the answer is "Fine," even though I'm really bummed b/c it looks like my weekend plans are falling through.

She asked "How are you today?"
Do I know her- > Yes. So the answer is "Doin' Alright," even though I'm really bummed b/c it looks like my weekend plans are falling through.
She's started rambling about her day -> Ok. She's not really interested in me right now. Let her talk. Don't mention my bad news.

She asked "How are you today?"
Do I know her- > Yes. So the answer is "Doin' Alright," even though I'm really bummed b/c it looks like my weekend plans are falling through.
She now asks, "How are your plans for the weekend going?" I say, "progressing" (and wonder if she is really interested or just being polite).
She asks, really, what are you trying to do? She asked the question, so I can tell her, but just a little, to guage her interest.

She asked "How are you today?"
Do I know her- > Yes. So the answer is "Doin' Alright," even though I'm really bummed b/c it looks like my weekend plans are falling through.
She now asks, "How are your plans for the weekend going?" I say, "progressing" (and wonder if she is really interested or just being polite).
Silence. Oh, yeah. This is where I'm supposed to ask her how her weekend is going, because in reality she's not very concerned about my weekend, she only asked me about it so she could open the door to telling me about her great new plans. So, I say, "What about you? Got plans?"

Well, I got another lesson in social graces today: The organizer of my running group offered me a free shirt (a standard cotton T-Shirt). I already have a ton of cotton shirts (some purchased through this running group) and T-Shirts don't flatter my figure.

So I said, "oh, I don't need another cotton shirt. But thanks for thinking of me." My thought was: he's offering me this shirt, but he normally sells them and since I don't need or want it why take it out of stock? He can either sell it or give it to someone who can use it. That's what I would want him to do if it were the other way around (I would be angry if you told me you wanted something and I gave it to you but later found it on the Goodwill racks).

He looked at me funny and then walked away. The girl I was with shook her heed and said, "You should have took the shirt. The right answer was, 'Thank You' and you take the shirt. You could have given it to your sister or something." I explained to her that I hate waste (which my taking the shirt would be) but she explained all the more that the right answer was to smile sweetly and take the shirt that he was obviously (to her, not to me) trying to get rid of.

What's sad is, I know she's right NT-wise, but I still hate the thought of wasting an item I don't need just to be polite. It never occurred to me I was hurting his feelings. I thought I was doing him a favor.

So, the first lesson from today is: sometimes it's better to be polite than to be "right."

The second lesson from todayis : sometimes as Aspies, we really CAN'T do others as we'd have them do unto us. We have to do unto them as THEY'D have us do.

And the final lesson from today is: When someone offers you something, the polite thing to do is take it, even if you don't want it.
Unless, of course, your friend is an Aspie who hates waste ;-)

Why Are People So MEAN About My Weight?

2009-05-22T07:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went into a burger joint. I was scared to death. It's been years since I've walked in this place, because my husband always did it for me. And it's not just walking in. When I'm in a town where people know me (and my car) I HATE going through drive-throughs too. I even hate buying "junk food" in the store. The anxiety is almost paralyzing.

Why?

Because people are so MEAN to me when I do!

I get disapproving stares. I get people look at what I'm buying, then at my figure and shake their heads. Occasionally I get some lady who will say something like, "you know that's not good for you?" or, "That's not for YOU is it?" I wonder if they're really wanting to say "what an ugly, sloppy fatty- you shouldn't eat that. You should duct tape your mouth shut and then maybe you'll lose some weight."

I hate how I feel when people look at me that way. I don't eat a lot of junk food. But I do like to treat myself after a good workout week. I've lost about 60 pounds over the last three years, and I'm really making an effort to keep the weight off. But even at Size 14, I still get the remarks:

Just last month, I was on a business trip and the hotel offered free dinner. I heaped a ton of pasta on my plate- intending to save some money by eating half and saving the rest for lunch. I step into the elevator with an older couple, and the wife proceeds to ask me, "Are you actually going to EAT all that??" I was angry that she would ask that (it's none of her business) but I was happy for once that I had the "right answer," and politely told her, "No I'm saving half for lunch tomorrow." Her response? "Yeah, right. You're going to eat it all." I was SO glad we reached her floor at that point. But SO stunned that she would say that to me. And even worse, upset at my inability to respond in a way that affirmed myself.

Another example:

I was about to end a month long series of three day religious fasts (one each week). I decided to add my favorite snacks to the celebration menu, and ran downstairs to the store to buy them. As I stood in the check out lane, the woman behind me asked, "You're not going to eat those, are you? Oh, of course you are. You're probably just going to have a few, right?" I looked at her and said, "Ma'am, I haven't eaten in three days, and I intend to eat the whole thing." I paid and left. But I wanted to cry.

So when I went to the burger joint, I tried hard not to look at anyone. I didn't want to see their disapproving stares, and I didn't want to deal with the shame of someone like me eating what was obviously not good for me. Why is it OK for them to eat it, but not me? All these feelings of anger came out, because I'm in good shape: run 8-12 miles every Saturday, can out kickbox, step, or power-pump most of the other people in the gym. But I'm bigger, so people can't look at me and tell I just ran a half-marathon with my friend last weekend. They can't tell the Dr is always impressed at how healthy I am at my checkups. All they see is somene a little larger than normal with low self esteem and for some reason they feel driven to attack.

Why do they DO this?
And how shoud I RESPOND?

Castration Drug For Autism?

2009-05-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

I am ALL for anything that will improve the quality of life of our autistic children, and I know that sometimes this means using drastic medication, but this makes me SO mad! How can someone get away with marketing this treatment when proper trials and such haven't been done? It would be different if he were giving it to adults (who can make that decision) but to children???

The article is VERY long, so I've posted only excerpts. You can read the whole thing here:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/chi-autism-lupron-may21,0,242705.story

'Miracle drug' called junk science: Powerful castration drug pushed for autistic children, but medical experts denounce unproven claims, By Trine Tsouderos | Tribune reporter May 21, 2009

Desperate to help their autistic children, hundreds of parents nationwide are turning to an unproven and potentially damaging treatment: multiple high doses of a drug sometimes used to chemically castrate sex offenders.

The therapy is based on a theory, unsupported by mainstream medicine, that autism is caused by a harmful link between mercury and testosterone. Children with autism have too much of the hormone, according to the theory, and a drug called Lupron can fix that.

"Lupron is the miracle drug," Dr. Mark Geier of Maryland said after meeting with an autistic patient in suburban Chicago.

Geier and his son developed the "Lupron protocol" for autism and are marketing it across the country, opening clinics in states from Washington to New Jersey. In the Chicago area, the treatment is available through Dr. Mayer Eisenstein, a family practitioner in Rolling Meadows.

But experts say the idea that Lupron can work miracles for children with autism is not grounded in scientific evidence.

Four of the world's top pediatric endocrinologists told the Tribune that the Lupron protocol is baseless, supported only by junk science. More than two dozen prominent endocrinologists dismissed the treatment earlier this year in a paper published online by the journal Pediatrics.

Simon Baron-Cohen, a professor of developmental psychopathology at the University of Cambridge in England and director of the Autism Research Center in Cambridge, said it is irresponsible to treat autistic children with Lupron.

"The idea of using it with vulnerable children with autism, who do not have a life-threatening disease and pose no danger to anyone, without a careful trial to determine the unwanted side effects or indeed any benefits, fills me with horror," he said.

Experts in childhood hormones warn that Lupron can disrupt normal development, interfering with natural puberty and potentially putting children's heart and bones at risk. The treatment also means subjecting children to daily injections, including painful shots deep into muscle every other week.

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The Geiers say they have probably treated 300 autistic children and a handful of adults with Lupron, and an additional 200 people are being tested.

In February, when the Geiers visited his office, Eisenstein was effusively enthusiastic about Lupron. "It is awesome, just awesome," he told doctors in his practice after the Geiers spoke about their therapy.

But three days after his May interview with the Tribune, Eisenstein called to say he was having second thoughts about the autism clinic, citing issues with insurance companies and less-than-spectacular results.

"It's highly unlikely that we're going to be part of the autism program much longer," Eisenstein said. "I'm not pleased enough with it. It's not where I want to put my energy."

Several parents whose children are on Lupron told the Tribune that it works, saying their children are better-behaved and show cognitive improvement. "It was an obvious, undeniable result," said Julie Duffield of Carpentersville, whose 11-year-old son has autism. "I wish you could see what he was like before."

Experts said such beliefs are common among parents who try alternative autism treatments. It's easy, they say, to attribute normal developmental leaps to whatever treatment is being tried at the time.

"It has become a cottage industry of false hope, and false hope is no gift to parents," said Autism Science Foundation President Alison Singer, whose daughter has autism. "A lot of these therapies have no science behind them. You are using your child as a guinea pig."

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The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved Lupron to treat precocious puberty, an extremely rare disorder that involves finding signs of puberty in very young girls and boys.

Lupron is also used to treat prostate cancer in men, to treat endometriosis in women, and to chemically castrate sex offenders.

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By lowering testosterone, the Geiers said, the drug eliminates unwanted testosterone-related behaviors, such as aggression and masturbation. They recommend starting kids on Lupron as young as possible and say some may need the drug through the age of puberty and into adulthood.

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Specialists in autism, hormones and pharmacology who are familiar with the Geiers' protocol said it cannot work as they suggest.

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Looking at the tests, Kaplowitz said he asks himself: "Is Dr. Geier just misinformed and he hasn't studied endocrinology, or is he trying to mislead?"

Mark Geier responded that these are "opinions by people who don't know what they are talking about," saying the pediatric endocrinologists interviewed by the Tribune don't treat autistic children and have not tried the Lupron treatment. David Geier said prominent scientists support their work and gave as an example Baron-Cohen, the autism expert who told the Tribune that the Geiers' Lupron treatment filled him with horror.

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Neither Eisenstein nor the Geiers dispute that what they are doing amounts to chemical castration.

Speaking about one teen he put on the drug, Mark Geier said: "I wasn't worried about whether he would have children when he is 25 years old. If you want to call it a nasty name, call it chemical castration. If you want to call it something nice, say you are lowering testosterone."

Eisenstein said the choices to treat severely autistic children are few --psychiatric drugs that will turn them into "a zombie," or Lupron.

"Will they be chemically castrated?" he said. "Yeah, it's a possibility."

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The effects of children taking Lupron in high doses indefinitely are unknown, but endocrinologists said the drug would deprive takers of puberty's beneficial effects.

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ttsouderos@tribune.com Tribune reporters Steve Mills, Patricia Callahan and Tim Jones contributed to this report.

Finding "Safe People"

2009-05-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

Today, while driving back, I heard a snippet of New Life Live, a Christian Counseling radio show, in which the host of the show told the caller how he slowly built new relationships. I didn't hear the caller's question, and not sure I understood him right but what he said blew my mind. Granted, it's not hard to blow my mind when it comes to relationships... but still... I thought I'd share his wisdom with you.

He told this caller (my words, not his) not to share too much information too soon, and that he (the host) often tests new friends over time to see whether they can be trusted to closer friends. He starts off with small confidences, see how this new person handles it, how they handle being told no, and whether they express concern about areas he's struggling with. He said the process often takes about two years to fully vet a new friend and determine that they are close enough to be considered "safe."

This resonates with me for two reasons:

My first thought when he said that was, "2 years???" that's SO long!! I want a good friend NOW! Being a military brat, and having a mobile adult career, I've often moved so much that it's never occurred to me to take so long in making friends. I'm usually gone in 3-5 years, so I try and form friendships very quickly. I need to work on this.
It's only recently occurred to me that one could vet people, make sure they're actually safe. Yet here was this man suggesting that very thing, as if it was ancient wisdom we should all have in our hip pockets. This year I've really been working on preventing myself from growing close to another person who wants to be close to me (because they are not safe). I'm realizing that most of the people I've associated with over the years don't validate me, or care about me. Most reinforce negativity in my life, use and/or abuse me, or simply associate with me when they can't find anyone else. While I hate being alone, I'm discovering that the time I do spend with people who are more safe is much more enjoyable and that helps balance out the alone time.

One of the people visiting the show was Dr John Townsend, who has written some books on determining whether someone is safe or not and how to set appropriate boundaries. I have not read them yet, but tonight added to my library search list. I learned a lot just from reading the Amazon comments, so I've pasted links to them below for you:

Dr. John Townsend

Don't Fight the Autism

2009-05-04T17:50:00.000-07:00

Thought for the day:

'Don't fight the autism; you will NEVER win. Know what the problem is and find a way around it.'

This tidbit of wisdom comes from Mama On The Edge, a blog done by a mom of teens with Autism. I could write volumes about this quote, but it will have to be another day.

Stop Daydreaming. Experience the Here and Now.

2009-05-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm stressed.

I know I'm stressed because I'm daydreaming lately. Daydreaming a lot. Daydreaming so much that I start acting out the dream. I start talking my part. I start making facial expressions (in real life) that the daydream "me" is making. Other people don't know I am daydreaming. They think I am talking to myself, acting crazy. This is something I do when stressed. It sneaks up on me, and all the sudden I realize I'm doing it. Once I realize it, I know I need to reduce my stress level, and confine my daydreaming to "at home" until I can do so.

This daydreaming is not healthy: It sucks up massive amounts of brainpower, which then leaves me useless for work or errands. It keeps me from getting proper rest, because these aren't "regular daydreams" or even "dreams." My mind is exhausted when I finish. And, finally, it makes me look crazy, thus opposing my goal of assimilating into the NT world until I can retire. I've often wondered if these daydreams are what professionals call "delusions," but I'm afraid to ask.

The daydreams entice me, though, because in them I'm beautiful, loved, desirable, and wealthy. In real life, I'm none of those things. And the daydreams feel so good.

A daydream snuck into my morning run. I joined a running group not long ago, and I have been forcing myself to interact with others, listening to them chat because it keeps me grounded. It keeps me experiencing the "Here and Now" instead of drifting off into a fake dream-world. But today I arrived late, and was on my own for 8 of the 10 miles. The daydreaming was so intense that at one point I ducked an imaginary fry thrown at me by a friend in the dream. And almost fell into members of my group who had hit the turn-around point and were running back towards me.

This is when I realized I need to stop daydreaming. I need to reduce the stress level. I need to figure out what I'm unhappy about and take steps to fix it, so that I won't be stressed.

I ran hard to catch up to a group of runners, and pushed it the last two miles, listening intently to their stories. I resisted the urge to drop back (and be "alone") so that I could daydream, but focused on remembering the details of their week's events- picturing them in my mind as vividly as the daydreams. It's not huge progress, but it's a step forward.

The "Here and Now" is not as much fun as the daydreams, but it's REAL. It's REAL people, REALLY running with me, REALLY inviting me to eat with them afterward, REALLY inviting me to XYZ event next week. The daydream world is more intense, more fun, more exciting- and there's no pain, no tears, and no one screaming at me "Why can't you just be normal?" But at the end of the day it's not REAL.

I'm curious as to whether anyone else out there has had experiences like this, and what you've done to overcome them?

Pretend, Don't Annoy

2009-04-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

On Asperger Syndrome ~ Blazing The Aspie Trail, a facebook group for Aspies, there is a discussion about annoying people. One of the commenters noted that he has to pretend in order to keep from annoying people. Here's my contribution to the discussion, maybe it will help you cope with being an Aspie:

Pretending is over-rated, but it helps us not annoy people so bad. Things I find it useful to pretend:

Pretend I'm not nervous: People don't like being around anxious, nervous people. I pretend I'm not nervous by trying hard not jitter, stim, or other nervous movements, and by trying to move slowly and not drop things. I speak slower to avoid stammering.
Pretend I don't know they're wrong or dumb: People are SO OFTEN wrong, have poor logic, and make poor decisions, but for some reason, no one likes me to tell them. This is not just me. People don't like for YOU to tell them how dumb they are, either. So stop doing it.
Pretend I've got a particular fault: This one's tricky, and sometimes feels dishonest. For example, if we're in church, and everyone messes up saying the weekly verse, I will intentionally mess up mine- even though I can say it flawlessly. I will not be the only one who gets it right, because for some reason many groups of people, even church folk, get mad at you when you're the only one who always gets things right.
Pretend to lose games: I used to always play to win- and I almost always won! But just like people don't like a know-it-all, people don't like someone who always wins. So I started learning how to lose on purpose. Not all the time, but often enough. Sounds dumb, but I get to play more. Usually, I'm only playing to "hang out" with the other player(s), so it does not matter to me if I win. Occasionally, I am playing to impress someone, and those times I do not play to lose :-)
Pretend I understand what they're saying even though I can't make out their words: If it's social conversation, sometimes I don't understand the words. I hear them, but my mind hears a jumble. I've found that it usually causes more trouble to ask them to explain, and it doesn't matter if I really understand. The words of the discussion themselves are of no real consequence- they're just talking to hear themselves talk or be "friendly" and I am doing my part simply by listening, nodding my head, and chiming in when I can (if I can). I do NOT pretend I understand if it's work related, however, because the consequences of doing my job incorrectly are too dire.
Pretend I know when I'm going when I'm really lost and very, very, scared: When I look lost and scared, the wrong kind of people always seem to approach me. Now when I get lost somewhere, I keep my head up, shoulders back, try hard to hold back the tears until I get to the first "safe place" I can find, like a gas station, bookstore, bank, etc.

Indirect Apologies

2009-04-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

The other day I said something offensive to a colleague about his appearance. I didn't mean for it to be offensive, and in fact, I lumped both of us into the same category. Basically, we both work hard on our appearance and diet, neither of us has much to show for it. You should have seen his face! While I could tell he felt I was right about *me,* he certainly didn't appreciate my noting he had a similar problem.

As I went back to my desk, I wondered if the best way to handle it and avoid future office tension would be to go up to him and apologize. So I did. I started off with "hey, I'm not the best with people, but I'm learning, and it occurred to me that what I said was not exactly polite. I'm sorry."

Despite his earlier look of shock and anger, he insisted he didn't know what I was talking about. I wanted to keep re-hashing it, when I remembered something my husband said a long time ago:

Not everyone is as direct with you. Sometimes people apologize indirectly, and expect you to respond indirectly.

I realized he was accepting my apology indirectly, even though I was rather upfront about it. By pretending nothing bad happened, he was accepting my apology without rehashing it. This is considered polite in some social circles, and always used to throw me off. If a guy kept insisting he didn't know what I was talking about, how could he accept my apology? This used to confuse me, because I would never tell someone I didn't know what they were talking about unless that was the truth.

So I laughed, said, "hey, if you don't remember, I'm not going to incriminate myself," and went back to my cube. I spent the next hour or so pondering the different ways people apologize-often indirectly. My apologies are fairly simple: "I'm sorry, I was wrong, and I'll try really hard not to do that again," and I think that many Aspies are the same.

So, below I give some examples of indirect apologies and hope this short list will help fellow Aspies. Many of us learn best by cataloging experiences, so feel free to add to this list by leaving a comment. You'll be doing future readers a favor!

Examples of indirect ways people apologize

They might go out of their way to do something nice or extra special for you. Buying flowers, chocolate, offering to do one of your chores or errands. Things like that.
They might start being friendly to you again (after they've done something to upset you) without ever mentioning it. This is hard for me, because I don't like unresolved issues, and want to get things out on the table. But for some people, getting it out on the table is too direct, too rude. We must be careful not to confuse this with trying to USE us (ie do us wrong, then come back and do us wrong again). If the person is not just trying to take advantage of us (to use our car, money, body, etc) then the expected "I forgave you" response is to be friendly in return. There is no need to mention the problem.
They might tell you they've forgiven you for something you did, but really they were wrong. I've had this happen several times, but did not recognize it because from my point of view the other person was clearly in the wrong. I would make a big stink out of pointing out they were wrong, not me, and totally missing the opportunity to repair the friendship. For example, I moved into a house that came with a dryer, but preferred to keep my own. I told a friend she could have the old dryer, but needed to pick it up by a certain date because I wanted the house clean to accept my first born child. She never picked it up. I gave her an extra month, and then told her I would sell the set. Two months later, she still hadn't come. So I sold it. My son came 3 weeks later, so I'm glad I did. Out of the blue, 4 months later, she told me she forgave me for not giving her the dryer. I was blown away. Forgive me? I gave her 3 extra months and many gentle reminders. This is when my husband explained to me that it was her way of apologizing. She knew she was wrong, but people just don't like to say they're wrong. It's too hard.

An indirect way to try and get you to apologize

They apologize to you, even though you're the one at fault. This opens communication and is an excellent time to say, "You know, I've been thinking about it, and I'm really the one who is wrong. I'm so sorry." This is also used as a technique to smooth over relationships, especially at work,though it might not solve the problem of who is to blame. I have used this technique even though it sometimes makes me look wrong when I'm not. The work environment is more important than my pride.

General notes about apologizing:

Try not to use the word "but," as in "I'm sorry, BUT..." or, "I didn't meant to hurt you BUT..." because most people interpret the word "but" as negating whatever you just said before you said "but."
Be sincere. This can be hard for Apies, because we often aren't sorry for the action- just the consequence- and we sometimes feel dishonest when we have to apologize for something we don't think is wrong. If you're apologizing just to keep the peace, find something that you can really feel sorry for. You may not tell the other person this, but it will help you for being sincere. For example, you told Aunt Martha her quiche was nasty. You're not sorry for telling her, because it REALLY was nasty, and maybe now she'll stop making it for you every time you come over. And you're not even really sorry for hurting her feelings, because she obviously didn't care about YOUR feelings, or she would have asked you what you wanted to eat :-) But you DO care that your mother has grounded you for being rude, and you're very sorry that you are grounded. You might tell Aunt Martha, "I'm sorry about what I said (which is true because of the consequences of saying it). I didn't mean to offend you about the quiche- I just wanted to experience all those other dishes our family members keep talking about." Of course, if Aunt Martha is a horrible cook, you'll have to come up with your own second sentence or just cut it off at "I'm very sorry about what I said."
Here's a great book on apology, which will help us understand that everyone is different- even when it comes to apologizing! The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships

Now it's your turn- please add your thoughts to the list, preferably backed up with real-world examples.

The Cure Debate Continues

2009-04-07T18:45:00.000-07:00

I was about to comment on this post at Life on the Spectrum, but it grew so long, I figured I'd better post it here instead... after all, I don't want to be accused of hijacking another blog.
If you haven't read it, basically she succinctly outlines several sides on the cure debate, culminating with her viewpoint as the mother of an autistic child. You can view her blog for what I actually commented, but let me share with you what I originally wrote:

Well said...

The autism spectrum covers such a wide range of behaviors. I've worked with two main groupings:

When I am invited to speak at aspie groups I find many adults who wish there was a "cure pill" but it's becoming more common to see "advocates" who are like your example of the guy with the broken leg. "We're fine, leave us alone," they say, yet ignoring the condition of the other who can't speak for himself and though he's in a coma, we might expect he would very much like medical intervention for his par paralysis, should he awaken.

On the flip side, there are those children I've worked with who are at the far extreme- spending of their days in restraints/padding, unable to communicate, and where the parents have placed their child in an institution (sometimes works out sometimes doesn't), or in some sad cases, resigned themselves to a life of drudgery.

I don't know if there's a right answer. On one hand, those who are high "enough" functioning could chose to eschew a cure, but what if that decision is made by parents less dedicated to their child than you [the original poster] are? You work really hard to help your son be the best he can be in spite of Autism being a part of his life.

I had one parent tell me she wished her son could take a normal pill because all he cared about was technology, and she just knew she would never have grandkids. She wanted him on the football team, lamented that he wasn't interested in going to prom, and would never be “normal.”

I wanted to shake her and yell, don’t you realize there are parents who can’t even COMMUNICATE to their autistic child, and you’re whining about the PROM? A LOT of people don’t go to the prom. A LOT of people are more interested in technology than dating. A LOT of people aren’t on the football team.

I declined to do so because a) I really wanted to help her son and b) my experience might be skewed by working in the sciences where many of the people I’m surrounded by would probably be diagnosed with AS. So I gave her some ideas to help him see the value of being more "normal" (a core foundation of all advice I give to parents) and went on my way. I've never spoken to her or her son again.

What I'd ultimately like to see is a world where all of the factors underlying autism are understood to the point where we can shred out the condition and determine who can "get by" with non-invasive, non-medical interventions and provide those options, while at the same time offering medical miracles for more severe cases.

So that's what her post evoked in me.

In the short term, what I'd really like to see is more understanding. Understanding from those who HFAs who are self sufficient toward those who need medical (and other) intervention. And understanding from those who struggle with the staggering (and, often horrid) world of parenting a child with autism toward those HFAs who just want to be left alone.

A Disabled God

2009-04-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying I do not agree with many of the late Nancy Eiesland's views, however, I do think that the part that I've bolded and highlighted below bears consideration.

Nancy Eiesland Is Dead at 44; Wrote of The Disabled God

By DOUGLAS MARTIN
March 21, 2009

By the time the theologian and sociologist Nancy Eiesland was 13 years old, she had had 11 operations for the congenital bone defect in her hips and realized pain was her lot in life. So why did she say she hoped that when she went to heaven she would still be disabled?

Nancy Eiesland specialized in the theology of disability.

The reason, which seems clear enough to many disabled people, was that her identity and character were formed by the mental, physical and societal challenges of her disability. She felt that without her disability, she would “be absolutely unknown to myself and perhaps to God.”

By the time of her death at 44 on March 10, Ms. Eiesland had come to believe that God was in fact disabled, a view she articulated in her influential 1994 book, “The Disabled God: Toward a Liberatory Theology of Disability.” She pointed to the scene described in Luke 24:36-39 in which the risen Jesus invites his disciples to touch his wounds.

“In presenting his impaired body to his startled friends, the resurrected Jesus is revealed as the disabled God,” she wrote. God remains a God the disabled can identify with, she argued — he is not cured and made whole; his injury is part of him, neither a divine punishment nor an opportunity for healing. [emphasis mine]

Ms. Eiesland (pronounced EES-lund), who was an associate professor at the Candler School of Theology at Emory University in Atlanta, died not of her congenital bone condition, nor of the spinal scoliosis that necessitated still more surgery in 2002, but of a possibly genetic lung cancer, said her husband, Terry.

Ms. Eiesland’s insights added a religious angle to a new consciousness among the disabled that emerged in the 1960s in the fight for access to public facilities later guaranteed by the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990. The movement progressed into cultural realms as disabled poets, writers and dramatists embraced disability as both cause and identity.

Pointing out that anyone can become disabled at any time, the disabled called those without disabilities “the temporarily able-bodied.” They ventured into humor, calling nondisabled people bowling pins because they were easy prey for wheelchairs.

Ms. Eiesland’s contribution was to articulate a coherent theology of disability. Deborah Beth Creamer, in her book “Disability and Christian Theology” (2009), called Ms. Eiesland’s work the “most powerful discussion of God to arise from disability studies.”

In an e-mail message, Rebecca S. Chopp, the president of Colgate University, who is known for her feminist theological interpretations, characterized Ms. Eiesland as “a, if not the, leader of disability studies and Christianity and disability studies in religion.”

In four books and scores of articles, Ms. Eiesland’s scholarship also included a much-cited book on the dynamics of churches in an Atlanta suburb. Groups like the World Council of Churches asked her to speak on disability.

For 10 years, she consulted with the United Nations, helping develop its Convention on the Rights and Dignity of Persons with Disabilities, which was enacted last year. The convention describes the disabled as “subjects” with rights, rather than “objects” of charity. It explicitly endorses spiritual rights for the disabled.

Nancy Lynn Arnold was born in Cando, N.D., and grew up on a farm nearby. Operations to remedy her birth defect began when she was a toddler. Her parents also took her to faith healers. She wrote that she was a poster child for the March of Dimes, a charity that some advocates for the disabled criticize for its appeals to pity.

After she was fitted with a full-leg brace at age 7, her father told her: “You’re going to need to get a job that keeps you off your feet. You’ll never be a checkout clerk.”

In high school, she won a national contest with an essay on the inaccessibility of rural courthouses in North Dakota. She organized a letter-writing campaign on the issue.

She enrolled at the University of North Dakota, where she campaigned for ramps into the library and accessible parking spots. She dropped out after her beloved older sister was killed in an automobile accident.

Nancy and her stricken family joined the Assemblies of God and moved to Springfield, Mo., where the church has its headquarters. She enrolled in Central Bible College, which trained ministers, and graduated as valedictorian in 1986. She became an Assemblies of God minister, but gradually drifted away from the denomination.

She became a student at Candler, where she studied theology under Ms. Chopp. Ms. Chopp remembered Ms. Eiesland’s complaining that for all Christianity’s professed concern for the poor and oppressed, the disabled were ignored.

“I looked at her and said, ‘That is your work,’ ” Ms. Chopp said.

After a stunned silence, Ms. Eiesland accepted the challenge as fodder for a master’s thesis, which evolved into “The Disabled God.” She earned her master’s degree in 1991 and her Ph.D. in 1995, both from Emory.

Ms. Eiesland is survived by her husband; their daughter, Marie; her parents, Dean and Carol Arnold; two brothers, Neal and Victor Arnold; and two sisters, Katherine Arnold and Jocelyn Gracza.

As she strove to define new religious symbols, Ms. Eiesland’s metaphors were startlingly incisive. She envisioned God puttering about in a “puff” wheelchair, the kind quadriplegics drive with their breath.

A version of this article appeared in print on March 22, 2009, on page A29 of the New York edition

Books By Ms Eiesland:

The Disabled God

A Particular Place: Urban Restructuring and Religious Ecology in a Southern Exurb

The Disabled God: Toward a Liberatory Theology of Disability

Human Disability and the Service of God

Space to be Himself

2009-03-24T07:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm in the midst of business conferences and such, and haven't really had much time to blog. Even now I should be doing something else, but had this epiphany on the subway and thought I'd share. Good thing too, because I was treated to a heartwarming comment on this post (My First Hug).

Anyways, I was thinking about how I just needed to hold myself up a little longer and make it back to my room. Slap on my happy face so no one will think nothing is wrong with me. Inside I'm pretty upset about things going on in life but none of my business associates care about that.

As I exited the subway toward my hotel, I got angry at having to pretend to be someone else all the time. Pretend to be someone else on the job, pretend to be someone else at church, pretend to be someone else at home (well, actually, I've just recently started doing that b/c I realized that I don't treat my wonderful husband very well and ought to start being as nice to him as I am to the people I work with).

Then I chided myself for putting on a pity party, since NTs have to do the same thing. They're putting up a front all the time- to get your business, to get your acquaintance, have a decent working relationship, etc. They do it easier than we do. And they (usually) don't have that hard-wired sense of honesty-to-a-fault that makes it hard for (some of) us to be "polite." But they're still being "fake" much of the time.

Then it hit me.

My poor little boy- from sunup to sundown is being told who to be, how to act, what to say, etc. Unlike his mom, he can't go home and retreat into his private space because right now (temporarily) he doesn't even have his own room. He can't retreat into his home office to decompress. I don't suppose it ever occured to me that he even NEEDED space and time to decompress and be himself. I thought that came with a job, bills, and responsibilities :-) No wonder he's so angry and frustrated and never at peace. Not saying a little downtime would solve all his behavioural problems, but if it helps me I can't help but wonder if it will help him.

I'm going to discuss this with my husband and look at what changes we can make in this area. In the meantime, feel free to let me know what you think.

Early Diagnosis a Blessing or a Curse?

2009-03-09T17:14:00.000-07:00

This post was inspired by blog hopping which ultimately ended up here at Autistic Aphorisms discussion of whether early diagnoses is a good thing. As one who has testified before my state government on issues related to autism, I have seen both sides of the coin. I think this is a discussion worth having.

You know, I remember what it's like to bang my head against the wall, both calling out for attention and trying to dull the pain. Well into my teens. Over time, I also discovered how such behaviors are interpreted by "normal people" and have learned better ways of getting my needs met. I've learned these things painfully and slowly, and with the advantage of moving faily often (a traumatic experience which I only endured because it allowed me mulitple opportunities to "start over," each time reapplying what I've learned). So it would have been better to be diagnosed with autism rather than awkward affect or whatever it was they told my mother because then someone might have helped me. Someone might have determined whether diet or environment has any effect on my processing, anxiety, and behaviour (it does) and whether behaviour modification and social skills lessons would be of use (they were). But those were things I discovered on my own.

And all aren't so able. If fact, I'm thinking specifically about the sunday school student I wrote about in the contact page of MarylandAutism.org. Everyone could look at her and tell that something was wrong. She headbanged, communicated in grunts, needed a strict routine and endlesss repetition to calm her. Yet no diagnosis of any kind for years. When she was diagnosed- I forget what it was exactly, PDD NOS I think, but that was a year or two before she passed away. After that, she made fantastic progress in a excellent school for "such children." 16 years of pain- some of which could have been eased with an early diagnosis.

But would that have really helped me and others like me? I doubt it. Had I been diagnosed as a child, there wouldn't have been much done to help me. I would not have been provided much in the way of "accommodation" (and rightly so, because there are children who can't even communicate- and I'd rather scarce resources be directed to them, not someone like me). And the bottom line is, the key thing for me was someone breaking through into my imagioned world and making me realize that there was more to life out there if I was willing to work through the anxiety, pain, and accept that others exist outside of (and independent of) me.

Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn't have the job I have if I had been diagnosed so maybe I'm not qualified to even speak on this question!

Indeed, my life would not be where it is now if I had been able to hide behind a cloak of diagnosis, or been allowed develop the sense of entitlement that I'm noticing with some of the younger adults I work with. Its the feeling of "you have to deal with me- and accept me as I am- because I have a condition..." Unfortunately, the world doesn't work that way, and I think we do these young folks a disservice by perpetuating that feeling... yikes, I'm going to get flamed when I show up at the next aspie adults meeting...

Anyway, I've pondered the diagnosis thing mainly because of my son. I know from my work and study that he would be diagnosed as having Aspergers, if not Autism. But I'm hoping that with diet modification, expectation management, and a little patience on my end, that I can mold him into a productive young man without drugs, craziness, or diagnosis. I don't know if that's possible (we're slowly approaching a tipping point, but we've stepped up our game and things are holding steady for now).

I'm curious what others think- those of you who have been diagnosed how has it helped/hurt you. Those of you with aspie or autie children, how has it help/hurt them?

My First Hug

2009-03-06T15:29:00.001-08:00

I was reading some mom websites today- moms of autistic kids... kinda started out with one from one of my commenters and (as usual) one mom blog led to another. As I read about their struggles, I reflected back on the first time my son gave me a hug. I'm not talking about the first time he ever snuggled with me, or the first time he held me (he was always a snuggler when sleepy or nursing). But the first time he purposely threw his little arms around me and gave me a big hug.

I was sitting in church, few years back, thinking how unfair it was. Someone up ahead had just been kissed by their six month old. Kissed. I didn't even know six month olds could kiss. I'd never been kissed my son. Never been hugged by him. I looked at my friend trying to restrain her 16 year old autistic son. Is that what the future holds for me?

As if on cue, my son perked up, wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled into my neck. He was almost two years old. I cried for the rest of the service. And about a year later I would hear "I love you." Even though it was simply a mimicked response it was still sweet music to my ears.

How I cherish the little victories...

A Cure?

2009-03-05T17:52:00.000-08:00

Today in Austism Bites, there I read a post called "Autism Opinions and Noses, Everybody Has One which discussed autism research and where the bulk of the money should be spent. Should we spend more on research to uncover the cause behind autism or spend the bulk on research to help people deal with the "hear and now."

Here is my comment to their post:

This is a tough one for me. Tough because I look at my life and what I've done for myself and I know that I like who I am. Yes, I process things differently from others, and no, some of the "social neurons" don't exist. But I've learned enough "social graces" to mimic what I wasn't born with, and have found ways to work around certain aspie traits that trip others up. Also, I have a wonderful spouse and kid and a rich scientific career. I doubt I'd have either were I like my NT sisters and brothers (all 7 of them) because I'm the only one who is doing well for myself. And I'm truly happy. So the thought of "curing" me scares me. The thought of not being "me" because society found away to prevent autism (to prevent "another generation lost to this disorder" as another commenter put it) scares me.

BUT... then I go to meetings for autistic/aspie adults and see those who cannot take care of themselves like I can. Or interact with the autistic child of my friend who can't speak and has twice endangered the lives of his parents.

Then I'm not so sure. Not sure what is the right answer, and not sure IF there's a right answer.

Do I Look Fat? The Aspie Answer...

2009-03-02T13:22:00.000-08:00

I was reading Jeffrey Deutsch's blog today and one of his commenters provided a vivid example of how things Aspies say can cause damage when they weren' t meaning to:

Such as how an Aspie may answer the question, "Do I look fat?" Responding, "Only in the butt area, but nowhere else."

If I ask you, does this make me look fat, *I* would appreciate that honesty, because I don't want to think an outfit makes me cuter than it does. And I certainly don't want to buy it if it doesn't flatter my figbure any better than what's already in my closet. I'd rather save my money. But many people would not like that answer. They already know the outfit makes them look fat. Or, more acdurately, their fat makes them look fat and they look even worse with an outfit not cut to flatter their particular body shape.

Honesty was one actually of my downfalls in retail sales. A client would ask me if something looked good. I'd tell her no, offer to help her find something more flattering, but she would get mad and not buy anything. I tried little tactics to be honest without making the clients mad, but they didn't really work. For example, I might have said, well, it's not your best color- maybe we can find another shade (knowing there wasn't another shade so she'd have to get a whole new dress). A LOT of women go into the store and buy things that do not flatter their complexion or are not cut for their figure. I thought being honest and trying to help someone find what's better would bring the customers back, but only a few ever got to the point where they would allow me to help them. And once I got there, I was good and my regulars knew they could trust me to make them look fabulous. More often than not, most customers would just decide not to buy. My coworkers encouraged me to let them spend their money. It wasn't about the clothes, but rather the "shopping experience." They wouldn't really wear most of those clothes anyway. They'd just sit in the closet until years later when they were donated to Goodwill or something.

Wow. What a tangent I'm on. W

ell, I said all that to say we, as Aspies, really have to pay attention to what we say and realize that not everyone appreciates "honesty" the way we do.

Looks Matter

2009-03-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

Someone on a private email list I belong to mentioned something about how you look is very important, that people really judge you on appearance, clothing (style, cleanliness,
condition), body odor, hair, etc.

I forget the exact topic but we talked about personal appearance and cleanliness- things such as washing your hands after using the bathroom- the very first time I want to an aspie support group. While it was all stuff I had already learned by trial and experience, I remember thinking it would have been nice to have paid better attention to that stuff when I was a younger adult.

My mom tried to teach me proper grooming and etiquette, but I didn't see how connected that stuff was to my lack of friends. It was just extra work, and stiff scratchy clothes (instead of my favorite soft cozy smelly (to others, not me) sweatshirt). And since, in my mind, taking better care of my physical body wasn't connected to any other goals I had, I couldn't be bothered to do it. It wasn't until I got out into the workplace that I learned the importance of presenting yourself in a good way.

As I began to take better care of myself, I discovered that opportunities to interact with others (friendship and employment) have opened up more. And I've also noticed that being clean-cut (well groomed, smell clean, clothes professional looking and ironed) really helps me get the assistance I need when I go somewhere. I'm sure there's more to it than just appearance, but I think appearance really helps.

Hope that helps someone...

Friends- Do You Want 'Em?

2009-03-02T07:07:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about friendship today. My friendship landscape is much different now than when it was when I first discovered about Aspergers Syndrome. Someone in a private forum I subscribe to mentioned it was important to discuss setting realistic and manageable goals. I'm not sure what he/she meant, but I'm debating hat for mysef at the present.

For example, I'm discovering that I have to decide what balance I want: A lot of "ok" friendships or a handful of quality friendships. If I want to have a lot of friends, I have to accept the fact that very few people live up to my high standards. And people don't like being around those who make them feel bad about themselves, which folks with high standards tend to do (even without trying).

So I have to choose between just having the rare few close friends (all of whom are Aspie, incidentally) and spending time with people who may be fun in other aspects, but whose conversation isn't always not 100% meaningful. The few close friends I have almost always provide quality, thought-provoking, and meaningful interaction but (like me) can only tolerate so much interaction so there's less of it. And we don't go and "do" very much. We do things where we are existing together, talk on the computer or while walking or go to a bookstore. That's comforting and calming.

Whereas on the other hand, I sometimes hang out with the more shallow group (until I reach MY limit of personal interaction) but doing that means accepting that part of the conversation will be about "stupid stuff" and part will be shallow vanity girl stuff that's not important to me. The advantage to this is learning more about style and shopping, and just having more opportunities to hang out with someone. If I get in a people mood, I have someone to call if my favorite people are in their usual solitary mood.

The thing is, until I acquired a family, I had very little use for the shallow friendships, because I have so many social funcitons as part of my job and church that I rarely get in a people mood without people around. But another dimension has surfaced, now that I'm learning to develop these type of relationships: I see that such things really are the glue that makes the rest of society run. Coworkers, people who teach/care for my son, neighbors, a LOT of life goes smoother when you take the time to be "shallow" with people.

And I don't understand it. It's just that I don't operate that way. See, if a neighbor needs help, I'll help just because I'm a neighbor and that's what neighbors do. But someone else may not help me because, even though I'm a neighbor, I never chat with them like the other neighbors do. Similarly, on my job, if someone needs me to do XYZ for them, I'll do it whether I like them or not-it's part of my job. But I finally noticed that most of the time I need something done, it usually only gets done when I approach the people with whom I've started a "chit-chat" kind of relationship. Or, of me, a relationship isn't built on one or two-line emails back and forth. I want meat, I want rambling. I want to understand what you think and why you think it. But others are scared off by that sort of thing, so in order to forge relationships I must be short and sweet. I don't understand it, but that's how it seems to work... Maybe someone can explain it to me.

In the meantime, I'll keep working at it.

Telling Your Child About His/Her Aspergers Diagnosis

2009-02-26T17:32:00.000-08:00

In my search of other autism blogs, I came across "Life With Aspergers" which discussed the topic, "When should I tell my son about his diagnosis of Aspergers?" This question really resonates with me, and I'll tell you why:

I think it's important to tell children when they're old enough to understand, but I also agree with the concern that we dont' leave the child subsequently feeling "defective." In the case of the original article, the question was asked by the parent of a 7 year old. At 7, the child probalby doesn't feel too different from other children. I didn't at 7. In fact, though I felt sometimes lonely in high school, it wasn't til my senior year in high school that I realized something was "wrong" with me. This feeling was greatly enhanced in college, because I went to a rather homogenous school and REALLY didn't fit in. Not knowing anything about Aspergers (or not even realizing that people think differently!) I had no way to pin down what, exactly, was "wrong." I couldn't figure it out, and until I discovered about Aspergers I really did feel bad about myself. Frustrated with myself. At times, disgusted even.

Before senior year, I thought everyone was like me. Thought and felt the same way. I was lonely at times, but had my one or two quirky friends (depending on the year) and so I didn't feel too left out. Besides, I knew that the other kids had money and I didn't. There's only so much you can do with other girls (who like to shop) when you're broke and even less you can do with the guys (when you're waiting for marriage).

But college was tough. And I think knowing about Aspergers would have helped. Had anyone known about it back then.

When I look back now at what I have accomplished, I am thankful to be so far ahead of where I should be professionally, socially, and in my family life. Most people I've met in Aspergers/Autism groups aren't doing as well as I am doing. They haven't learned to cope as well (that sounds weird given how FAR I have yet to go) and they haven't learned how to survive in my type of job (again, I still have FAR to go!). I'm not trying to brag or anything because (trust me) I still need a LOT of work. But I've been blessed and rather than being so upset that I'm not like everyone else, I am learning to appreciate my differneces and praise Him for how far He's brought me.

So, I said allthat to say: If I had a 7 year old, I may not tell him "you've got Asperger's" but I might start pointing out ways in which he things, processes, communicates, settles himself, differently than others. If he has anger problems like I did, I would begin to point that out and tell him how very much like his mother he is. I suspect as he ages, I would give him more information, but allow him to take it at a pace he can handle.

Of course, I can say this- I don't have a 7 year old. Anyone out there care to share your thougths on why you did/didn't tell your child about his/her diagnosis?

75 of Us

2009-02-25T16:55:00.000-08:00

I am enjoying this new blog thing, but was having trouble finding other autism blogs. I did some searches on autism, and searched for people on blogger whose profiles reflected an interest in autism. But most of those were parents. I was looking for Aspies or Auties themselves. Not their NT parents. Well, I searched on "Neurodiversity" and guess what?

There are 75 bloggers (on blogger) whose profiles include the word "Neurodiversity" in their interests. I love it when the numbers work out to "even groupings" of 5 like that. ;-)

Unfortunately, I've only visited 10 so far, and most have blogspot (not blogger), so I'm at a loss as to how to get their blogs in my "blogs I follow" list so I can easily see all the recent posts. No matter. I am sure I will enjoy working my way down the list as time progresses.

Just thought you'd like to know, in case you, too, are having trouble locating blogs writen by "us."

Aspie Trance

2009-02-23T18:46:00.000-08:00

Came across the concept of an "Aspie Trance" the other day, and I'm wondering if that's the answer to my latest problem. You see, I've been pondering a strange, trance-like aspect of my personality. Kinda difficult to explain, but I shall give it a try:

Often when I'm in class, meetings, church people tell me I'm sleeping. Yet I take pages and pages of notes, learn the material, and if asked to give a review often do such a through replay that it puts others to shame. Folks often comment with amazement, "how did you get all that, sitting there asleep?"

Over the past few weeks, I've been paying better attention to how I appear in meetings, and have discovered I do indeed seem very drowsy. And I actually am drowsy sometimes. Most of the time I'm just bored. But, in my own way, I'm paying attention. Problem is, paying attention doesn't help my professional standing if my colleagues think I'm asleep.

So I've been looking for ways to keep myself more alert- caffeine, getting more sleep, finding other things to do that keep me awake (such as writing or drawing). Unfortunately, while each helps a little bit, each has it's drawbacks: One soda or cup of tea "perks me up" but then I have a headache that night. When I get more sleep, I'm not as trance-ey, but then I have less time for my family (already minimal). And if I draw or write articles (or outlines for the many books I need to stop writing and just publish) I am more alert and interested-looking, but then I'm not paying attention to the speaker(s).

From the discussion on Wrong Planet, I don't think this is the exact thing meant by "Aspie Trance" the way most people use it, but then I read descriptions about "living in a haze" and feeling like one's consciousness "never fully developed," and I wonder if this isn't part of an altered state brought on by some of the below suggestions from Creative Minds:

Besides occurring spontaneously, different types of altered states may be induced by flickering light (e.g. from TV & computer monitors, fluorescent lights), electromagnetic stimulation of the brain, music, repetitive movements (e.g. rocking back-&-forth), drugs, air-born chemicals, pain, shock, fear, sex, stress, sensory overload, allergic reaction, fatigue, precipitation, deep concentration, meditation, prayer, contemplation and hypnosis.

I can definately vouch for the alergic reaction contribution: A couple of years ago, I discovered that after eating certain types of fish I would get exteremely drowsy- as if I was drugged. I've not had it proved medically, but I think that's possibly an allergic reaction to the fish. So I don't eat certain fish when I know I need to be alert later in the day. I shall pay more attention to this (what conditions cause me to appear sleepy or trance-ey) and let you all know what I come up with.

PS: I'm playing around with the date and time options, to see if I can "prepare" some posts ahead of time. I suspect I will have little time for blogging during the week, but (for symmetry's sake- don't ask why that's important to me, I don't know) I would prefer the posts to spread out evenly rather than make 5-6 over the weekend. :-)

Let Him Be Happy

2009-02-22T18:34:00.000-08:00

I saw this post on another Aspie blog, and really liked the response:

Post from
Asperger's Disorder Homepage Blogger
My son is soon to be 25 years old. We are just now realizing that he fits all the criteria for having Asperger's syndrome. He has not been formally diagnosed by a psychologist or doctor, although he did receive speciall educational services as a youngster. No one knew of Asperger's them. Currently his life is going very well. He is graduating from college and has a good job lined up. He is very capable and has developed lots of good coping skills.

However, some "remnants" of Asperger's still remain: disorganization, inappropriate reaction to frustration, extremely sensitive hearing, some other things. He has never had a girlfriend and has never dated.

I have spoken with him about getting a formal diagnosis, but since his life is going well, he doesn't feel the need. Can you tel me what he/we can expect for a high functioning young adult with Asperger's? Is it very important for him to get a diagnosis to be sure? Should we expect relationship problems, problems at work?

Before I post the response, let me jsut say the reason I liked it, is because the responder considered the feelings of the young man in question. Too often I hear parents lament that their child will not have a normal life, never stopping to consider for a second that the child is perfectly happy with his/her life the way it is. Different isn't always bad.

Dr. Laurie Dietzel said...
Hi Nancy -
It is so nice to hear that your son is doing well. Although everyone is different, many folks with Asperger's have some difficulty with relationships, particularly intimate ones. Does he want to have closer friends or a "significant other" or is he satisfied with his life as is? I guess in my experience this is the crucial factor in adjustment and happiness. A diagnosis is only needed if he is requesting workplace or educational accommodations or if he is interested in learning more about himself in order to make desired changes.

Sure, it's considered a "normal" human function to want intimate relationships, to get married, and have a family. And if the young man feels left out, or if he wants such relationships, then by all means I would encourage his mother to help him seek ways to effect that outcome (including therapy, research, etc). But if he's happy, let him be happy.

I forgot I had a blog!

2009-02-21T16:16:00.000-08:00

Wow. I forgot I had a blog. I re-discovered it by accident while learning how to "follow" someone else's blog. And so here it is. With some posts. And one really good post. So I guess I should start using this blog. Well, I'm in a bit of a bad mood right now, so maybe right now is not the time to start.

Then again, maybe someone else would be comforted by knowing they aren't alone in feeling down. If you're feeling down right now, you're not alone. I am too.

I just came from a revival. It was a very good service, but afterward I watched everyone chit-chatting with each other and felt very left out. I know the Lord has brought me a long way in developing socially, but this Aspie just wasn't in the social spirit today. I could tell I was making people uncomfortable, and so removed my presence. I suppose I should celebrate that I could tell people were getting uncomfortable (fidgeting, changing the subject or talking to someone else as soon as I gave them an opening). After all, 2-3 years ago, I wouldn't have noticed.

That's part of the rub, though. I remember a time not caring what others thought and not realizing what they thought. I don't remember how I discovered I was different and that no, everyone else DIDN'T think, feel, and act the way I did. All I know is now I feel bad, and a few years ago I wouldn't have felt bad because I wouldn't have noticed.

But all things work to the good of those who love the Lord. I truly love the Lord, and I'm sure He will reveal to me His purpose in all this. And I'm also sure that tomorrow I'll be in a better mood, and will have something much better to write.

SA

Daddy, Do You Love Me?

2008-09-07T15:01:00.001-07:00

I saw a video of my niece today. She’s not autistic, but I felt compelled to write about her just the same. She was dancing seductively. Her parents had made a video and posted it on myspace, quite proud of their 10 year old.

What a shame.

It’s a shame that any father would be proud of setting his little girl up for lasciviousness and promiscuity. Yet I see it everywhere:

Several coworkers display pictures of their teenage daughters in “model poses” wearing bikinis. What do you want male coworkers to think of your little girl? What do *YOU* think when you see her seductive pose?
Even worse- the “strongly religious” parents (including some pastors), who push their daughters toward cheerleading and the whole homecoming/prom queen thing. I may be an Aspie, but even *I* know that cheerleadering goes hand-in-hand with being sexually used (and in some cases abused) by the football team. WHY would you want your holy little girls involved in this activity?
Or the ones who say they want their daughters to be “good girls” but then let them wear “come hither” clothing out on a date. Come on! Boys under 20 rarely are looking for anything but a good time. Do you really want your little girl to BE that good time?

Don’t they love their daughters? Don’t they care that they are setting their daughters up for pain and heartache? Doesn’t it bother them that young men are leering at their little princesses? Don’t they want to save their baby girls from being used and abused by 18 year olds who haven’t controlled their hormones yet?

Or did they use and abuse so many girls before they finally “settled down” that it’s really no big deal? Maybe they, like Lot (and several others in the Bible who offered up their daughters for sexual abuse by raving mobs), really don’t care about their little girls. I don’t think they do. And if they do care, I don’t think its love. No, I don’t think many of these daddies love their little girls.

I can see if it was just the mother. It’s not an excuse, but let’s be real: A daughter’s beauty is an extension of her mother’s. Many women attempt to recapture their youth through that of their daughter. Try to get their groove back, so to speak. I may not agree with it, but that’s how it appears to be.

Sigh. I don’t get it. Or, maybe I do get it, but I don’t understand how rational thinking people could be that way. How they throw their babies to the wolves. You know, people are always telling me I can see through “bad math.” Discovering AS has opened up my eyes to the fact that other people’s worlds aren’t black and white, but varying shades of gray.

But I just don’t operate that way. My “yea is yea” and my “nay is nay.” I wouldn’t tell my little girl it’s best to “wait for marriage” and then dress her in a way that suggests otherwise. And I certainly wouldn’t be proud of her for choosing to display herself in a lascivious manner.

Perhaps some of you men out there can enlighten me… savedaspie at gmail dot com

Great Quote

2008-09-05T12:37:00.000-07:00

This was someone's sig on an Aspie group I belong to:

It's too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only
person who I have to be better than is myself. ~Colonel Potter M*A*S*H
4077

The Saved Aspie Has a Blog

2008-09-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

Hello World.

I'm looking forward to this blog, but scared at the same time. I wonder if anyone will read it. I wonder if it will be of use to other Saved Aspies. I wonder if it will help anyone. I wonder if I'll keep it going, or if it will fall by the wayside like so many "social" projects Aspies begin.

We'll see.